Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Codependency ❯ Chapter Five ( Chapter 5 )

Codependency

Chapter Five

Shuuichi didn't like alcohol. The very idea was repulsive, especially since he'd probably become addicted to it if he ever drank it. So, when he felt the need to get away from it all, he stormed off to a nice little café.

The bell tinkled as he entered. It was quite late to be going to a café, but thankfully this one was open twenty-four hours. The girl behind the counter smiled at him and stood. "The usual?" she asked.

He nodded, plopping down in one of the high-backed chairs. He drummed his fingers on the tabletop distractedly. A few moments later, she placed the cup in front of him. He stared at the steam swirling from its depths.

"You OK?" she asked.

"Fine," he said shortly, taking a sip of his coffee. It scalded on the way down, but he didn't care that much at the moment.

"You and your lover have another fight?"

"You could say that."

"You fight a lot."

"I know. It's because we hate each other's guts."

"Oh. Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Talk about it anyway; I'm bored."

"Leave me alone."

"Why? It's not like there are any other customers here. Most people don't want coffee at ten."

"It's ten?"

"Yeah."

"Wow… I didn't realize… I guess I'd better find somewhere to stay, then…"

The girl shrugged. "You can stay here if you like. Nowhere to sleep, but you won't need sleep if you drink enough coffee."

Shuuichi's eyes narrowed. "This is just a ploy to get me to buy more coffee."

"So. Is it working?"

He sighed tiredly, rolling his eyes. "Sure."

She hurried back over to the coffee machine to make another cup. "Decaf OK?"

Shuuichi nearly spit out the coffee he had been drinking. "This isn't decaf?"

"You've never drank decaf under my watch!"

"You evil coffee people…" Shuuichi whined, sinking down in his chair.

"SHUUICHI!" came a voice; a bell tinkled as the front door burst open.

"…mother?" he asked, trying not to sound horrified.

"Oh, Shuuichi, I've missed you so much!" she cried, wrapping unwanted arms around Shuuichi. He immediately tensed-he couldn't relax, no matter how hard he tried. He didn't want it… not any of it. She finally let go when she realized he wouldn't hug her back; she plopped down in the chair opposite his.

The waitress finally placed his new cup of coffee on the table. His fingers wrapped around its edges tightly. "Would you like anything, miss?" she asked, nodding to Shiori.

"A regular coffee, please," Shiori answered politely.

She plans on staying…? Kami-sama… "What brings you here so late at night?"

"Oh, I was coming home from work and I saw you through the window-it was such a surprise to see you here, Shuuichi! I thought you lived with that Karasu fellow… I suppose that's why you didn't return my call?"

The redhead tried to decide what to say. It would feel so good to tell her how he really felt, but… then she'd guilt him and then…eurgh. The thoughts made him sick to his stomach. "I haven't had the time," he finally replied. "I've been very busy with work and school lately."

Shiori smiled slightly. Ding ding, we have a winner! "You work so hard, Shuuichi… you always have."

It was one of those awkward, smile-and-nod moments. A cup banged down on the table and the waitress returned to whatever she had been doing before he'd gotten there.

"But why are you here, then?"

"I needed a break." It was mostly true. After all, he needed a break from Karasu and emotions and relationships… and Shiori could only catch him if he was telling a complete lie. Yes, yes.

"Is something troubling you?"

You mean besides you… and everything else in the world?! Shuuichi's angry thoughts made him feel bad, certainly-to be so utterly pissed off about everything… a casual observer would think he was a spoiled brat-and maybe it was true. Maybe he was a delusional fool and… gah! He shook his head distractedly. "No, nothing's troubling me."

"Don't lie."

"You're one to tell me not to lie," Shuuichi said conversationally, as if he was talking about the weather. Shiori stared at the tablecloth; apparently she could find no answer, nothing that would soothe the ache of the millions of untruths…

Shuuichi continued, "Besides, it's nothing to be concerned about." He coughed into his fist. "So, how have you been?" Shuuichi wondered how much longer this had to go on. It grated on his nerves… he had to consider his every action carefully; otherwise, he'd end up even more unstable than before due to the emotions of the manipulative woman he called his mother.

"Oh, I've been just fine. Like I said in my message, I'm all good now… no more drugs, no more lies."

Shuuichi fought the urge to vomit. It was sick… so much deceit hidden in her unassuming visage… no one else knew what she was like, they'd never guess. But he remembered so clearly the days of his youth, when he was still tangled in her web of lies. He had been brainwashed when he was younger-he was just as happy as he could be, even though he shouldn't have been. He should have been depressed and suicidal because his mother didn't care enough about him to be there and take care of him, but back then he had faced the world with a bright, unfaltering smile… always so joyful… he ground his teeth together.

He had been so damn naïve… to believe in her even after everything… every time she'd lied, or painted him a picture of the way things would be once she was better before snatching it painfully away… The all too familiar mix of anger and self-loathing welled up inside; he forcefully swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Is it real this time?" Shuuichi asked. After all, he was her son-if she could guilt him, then he could just as easily make her squirm with regret. The apple never fell far from the tree, especially not when the tree is poisoned by disease. "It's not like those… oh, thirty times before?"

"…you're angry?"

"How do you expect me to feel?" he asked; his voice was calm, but his hands were clutching his mug so hard he was worried he might break it. "Do you want me to act like it doesn't hurt? Like you haven't betrayed me time and time again?"

"Shuu… Shuuichi…" she stared at the floor, tears spilling into her eyes.

"It hurts, all right! And I can't handle the ache anymore! Every time I see you or hear from you, it causes me so much pain! I can't be the way you want me to be-I won't let you control me anymore!" Shuuichi said, voice choked with emotion; meanwhile, Shiori was busy sobbing her eyes out.

"I've been trying, Shuuichi! I never meant to hurt you and yes, you have every right to be angry! But… I want to have a relationship with you, Shuuichi! I want to make up for all the pain I've caused you!"

Damn it all, not the tears. The tears got him every single time. No. He blinked, trying to force them away. "You can never make up for all the pain you've caused me!" he yelled, little drops of anger and sadness rolling down his cheeks.

"But can't I at least try?!"

Shuuichi took a ragged breath, blowing it out through his clenched teeth. "You've tried to do a lot of things, mother. You tried to be a better mother, tried to make me happy, tried to control me… all you do is try, mother! Try, try, try! That's all I hear from you! Nothing is ever certain with you! You said you'd try to save enough money so that I could go to a good school-you bought beer instead! You said you'd try to get better-you only got worse! I'm sick and tired of hearing about all the things you're going to try to do!"

"That's so mean, Shuuichi," she sniffled, wiping her eyes on a handkerchief. "Don't I deserve a second chance?"

Fury welled up inside. "It's too late for a second chance, mother," he choked out through his rage. "I've given you millions of `second' chances…" He stood abruptly from the table, placing some money on it. Then the door banged open and he left. Shiori listened to the tinkling of the bell, staring into the depths of her cup. She bit her lip.

"You OK?" the waitress asked, sauntering back over.

"No."

"Wanna talk about it?"

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He hadn't slept at all last night. He should be so tired, but he wasn't. Meanwhile, the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach persisted.

"Oi, shrimp! Can I have your breakfast?"

Hiei pushed his plate over to Kuwabara; he was being awfully nice, but then again, he wasn't going to eat it anyway.

"You OK, Hiei?" Yuusuke asked, concerned.

Hiei shook his head. "Stomachache…"

"Got food poisoning?" Yuusuke asked, excited. "You can sue the government!"

"No… haven't eaten much lately…"

"Well, sue the government anyway," Yuusuke said, sounding a little put out. Hiei rolled his eyes. "Maybe you're hungry."

Hiei sighed, exasperated. "If I were hungry, I'd be eating. I don't have an appetite."

Yuusuke smirked. "Are your hands clammy?"

"…a little."

"Does your skin feel all tingly?"

"…yes," Hiei admitted. "I don't see what that has to do with anything, though."

"Head hurt?"

"Yes."

Yuusuke cackled evilly, pointing at Hiei.

"What?"

"You're in loooooove!" Yuusuke declared, pinching Hiei's cheek.

"No I'm not! I'm just feeling under the weather!" Hiei yelled emphatically.

"You have the symptoms of lovesickness!"

"There are a billion symptoms of lovesickness! Just because I have a couple common ailments doesn't mean I'm in love!"

"It's Shuuichi, isn't it?" Yuusuke asked, patting Hiei's shoulder sympathetically. "You poor thing, I thought you just had a crush on him! You know he's already attached…"

"He doesn't seem too happy with his boyfriend lately," Hiei pointed out.

Yuusuke shrugged. "They've been at each other's throats for a while."

"…so, you think I love Shuuichi…?"

"I'm positive."

"How do you know so much about love?" Hiei asked, eyeing Yuusuke skeptically.

"Because I am in love. I've got a girl back home waiting for me. She visits sometimes."

Hiei stared at Yuusuke. "I never would have guessed that an idiot like you could get a girlfriend."

"She's got a nice butt, too," Yuusuke said, grinning.

Hiei rolled his eyes.

"So, you going to tell Minamino you love him?"

"I'm still not sure I do."

"Then you're the one who's the idiot."

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"Hello, Hiei," Shuuichi mumbled, opening the door. There were dark circles under his eyes; apparently he hadn't gotten any sleep either. Hiei was glad to know that at least he wasn't suffering alone. Hiei noticed that Shuuichi wasn't wearing his lab coat today-in fact, he was actually dressed like a normal person, in jeans and a T-shirt.

"Why the change of attire?" Hiei asked, confused.

Shuuichi kneaded his forehead distractedly. "All my other clothes were dirty," he finally said, pasting a smile on his face.

Hiei's expression faltered. It hurt somewhere inside to see Shuuichi faking a smile like that. "I wish you could be happy… I wish you didn't always have to pretend."

Shuuichi stared at Hiei in surprise. "Hiei…?"

The black-haired boy looked away. "Just be yourself, Shuuichi. You don't have to put on a mask for my sake."

"Well, it's just…"

"Just what?"

"Nothing," Shuuichi said with finality. By his tone Hiei guessed that the matter wasn't open for discussion, but that wouldn't stop him. Oh no.

"Have you and… Karasu been having problems?"

"We're always having problems," Shuuichi said, sighing. "We used to love each other… I don't know when or how things changed, but… now it's over. All over."

Hiei stared into the emerald depths of Shuuichi's eyes-there was sorrow buried there, beneath the layers of apathy and anger. Hiei was about to speak, but Shuuichi continued.

"I wanted it to work out… I really did. But…my relationships always end badly, I'm afraid." A sad exhalation escaped his lips-now that he had begun telling his tale, he wasn't planning on stopping for a while. "I mean, I didn't expect them to last forever-love rarely does-but… I was hoping for something, you know?" He slumped in his chair. "I've had plenty of boyfriends and girlfriends. There was Yomi, and then Maya, and this guy named Youko… but there were countless others. Every single relationship ended in a row…"

"I've loved so many people over the years… and they all ended up hating me for one reason or another. Then Karasu came along and I thought he was something better-he was rich and attractive and he was so sweet… but he's changed over the times. I can't blame him, though-I've changed too, and certainly not for the better." Shuuichi's gaze was fixed on his bright pink sneakers.

"It's just… I've been trying to make this work… and I have a bad week, lose my temper a couple times… and he shoves my past in my face. All my mistakes and shortcomings… I trusted him with my past, my heart, my mind, because I loved him… but… I don't love him anymore," Shuuichi finally said, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. "I've tried, but I just can't force myself to fall in love again. And he doesn't love me anymore either…"

"…Shuuichi…" Hiei murmured, feeling something inside him shatter; he didn't want to see Shuuichi upset and crying… he needed for Shuuichi to be happy… why couldn't he have fallen in love with Jin?! Jin was always happy!

"But I don't see why it has to be over… I don't want things to change… I was happy once, why can't I be happy again?" Shuuichi stood shakily, stumbling over to the window. He stared out of it-at the asphalt, steel, and concrete. "…This is a prison to you… but to me, it's a sanctuary. Here, I can be around all the screwed up little kids I want… I can take care of them, make them better…"

Hiei could tell that Shuuichi was rambling now, saying anything that came to mind. It was all the redhead could do to keep from going insane, he figured.

"I'm beginning to have my doubts, though. You've told me over and over, Hiei… I'm bad at what I do. Maybe I'm just hurting people. I don't want to hurt people…"

Hiei stood, walking over to Shuuichi. He grasped a delicate hand in his own, giving it a tug as he led Shuuichi to the couch. He pulled the redhead onto it. "It's OK, Shuu… it's going to be all right," he whispered, in what he hoped was a soothing manner. "You don't have to worry about all that right now…"

Hiei had only understood about half of the other's ramblings, but he could tell that the things contained in them were a source of great discomfort for Shuuichi.

"Oh, Kami… I'm just like my mother…" he muttered, remembering his yells from earlier. "I'm such a damn hypocrite! I can't do anything but try either!" His shoulders shook as if he was sobbing, but no tears would come. He had used them all… now he could only manage dry sobs.

"Shuuichi… don't blame yourself," Hiei whispered, rubbing circles into the redhead's back.

"I don't see why I shouldn't," Shuuichi rasped. "It must be my fault."

"If you believe that, then you're an even worse shrink than I thought."

"Maybe I am."

Hiei sighed. "I'm trying to help."

"I'm sorry… but shouldn't I be the one helping you?"

Hiei smiled. "I'm not the one with problems. I'm just a good kid with a little bad luck," he said, wrapping his arms around Shuuichi's shoulders. "You, on the other hand, either need counseling or a lot of medication."

"Why, Hiei? Why are you helping me?" Shuuichi asked. "You have no reason to… I mean, you don't even like me…"

"I never said that."

"Well, I don't see why you would like me. I'm unstable… hard to get along with… cynical…"

"And self-deprecating, you forgot that one."

"It's just… I don't understand…"

"You don't understand anything, Shuuichi. That's your problem."

"…mouuuuuuu…" Shuuichi exhaled sadly. "You're right…"

"Do you feel at least slightly better now?"

"I guess so… but I got such good grades on all the tests! How can I be a failure as a psychologist?!"

Hiei sweat-dropped. "Well, you haven't even gotten your master's yet… and you need a PhD to practice on your own."

"How do you know that?"

Hiei shrugged. "The Collective Unconscious?"

Shuuichi grumbled a little, then realized the position they were in. "Why are you holding me?" he asked.

"Um… you were having a disorder. I thought it was the best thing to do at the time."

"Well, can you let go?"

"Yes," Hiei said, although he made no move to.

"…"

Hiei didn't know why he did it. It was completely out of the blue, really. But… staring at Shuuichi's face, his pale skin and red-rimmed eyes… the tangled crimson locks thrown over his shoulder… he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Shuuichi's lips. It was short-Shuuichi wouldn't respond to him, but then, what had he been expecting?

"Before, you were asking about why I wanted to help you… and it's because…" Hiei struggled with the words for a moment, but soon gained confidence. "It's because I love you." He licked his chapped lips, still able to taste the cherry-flavored lip balm Shuuichi had been wearing.

…I'm an idiot. The realization hit Hiei like a ton of bricks. He finally got Shuuichi semi-cheered up and then he had to go and tell about his feelings… he was fairly sure that Shuuichi wouldn't want to see him again.

Fine. I think I've done enough. Gods, I'm an idiot… He stood. "I'm sorry; I know I shouldn't have," he said, even though he doubted the numb Shuuichi heard him. "Sayonara, Minamino-san."

He opened the door and walked down the hall, listening hopefully for Shuuichi's footsteps. But he never heard them.

Finished 10/16/04

Beta-ed by the voices in my head

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AN: Wow! This story is out of control! …mou. This story refuses to turn out the way I planned it… but what can I do? The characters are being difficult…

Queen of the Paperclips: …hey, I like your name. Yeah. But anyway, I don't think Keiko will show up… although as you can see, I mentioned her in this chapter. Just a little. As for Yuki and Kuwa… erm, maybe? I'm not exactly sure if they end up together in the fic itself, but the do end up together sometime. Yeah.

What2CallMyself: hmm… well, other than the fact that everyone in this fic is shallow… like I said in this chapter (or at least I think I said it…), they used to love each other and Karasu used to be nice. Heh heh. Meanwhile, I'd love to hear Hiei say, "I'M IN LOVE WITH A GOLD DIGGER?!" … but anyway.

AMK: I wish I had an army of thumbtacks…

Mou! And now I must go read the Iliad… evil lit teachers… *grumblegrumble* All comments and reviews and… other stuff are appreciated!