Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ If the Roses Die ❯ Where Everything Is ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.

Part III of the Silver Obsidian series

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Where Everything Is

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~Kurama~

His response was instantaneous and reflexive. "Anything."

Hiei gazed at him with a sort of hesitant admiration, thankfulness buried under startled awe. He sat up slowly and blinked, looking away, but just slightly. It was as if he wanted nothing more than to gaze upon the fox, but could not. Kurama smiled warmly.

Gently resting two fingers under Hiei's chin, he lifted his friend's gaze to meet his own. "It's alright, Hiei. I can take whatever it is you need to do. I'll be all right." Hiei averted his gaze with half-lidded eyes and Kurama knelt slightly, catching the youkai's gaze again. "You can't worry about hurting me, Hiei. If this is something you need to do, then I accept that, and I'm ready. Promise me you'll do whatever it is you need to."

Hiei blinked and looked up at Kurama. "…I promise." He took a breath and smiled, just slightly, the barest hint of a grin on his lips. Kurama saw it, and Kurama leaned in, pressing his forehead to Hiei's.

"Do whatever you need to, Hiei. I want you to feel secure around me, alright?"

"…Alright."

Kurama took one of Hiei's hands in his. "This has to do with the Jagan, doesn't it?"

Hiei nodded against Kurama's forehead, his eyes closed again. "It does. Are you sure you still want to do it?" Prolonged exposure to the probing of the Jagan could be mentally damaging for life, Kurama knew, but if Hiei felt he needed to know something he could only know with the Jagan, then Kurama would accept that.

"I am."

Hiei reached up and tore away his bandana, revealing the glowing purple eye. He cradled one hand against Kurama's face and Kurama leaned into the touch, barely noticing when Hiei activated his third eye and they both slipped into unconsciousness.

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~Hiei~

The familiar wave of unreality and confusion brought on by the Jagan swept over him, and he swam down towards what his perspective told him would be ground. Of course, no such thing awaited him; the Jagan had no up or down, and there was no ground to stand upon.

He floated for some time, but the Jagan had no time, either, and so he simply floated in nothingness in some cross-dimensional pocket. Everything was black and created of swirls, but as he registered this, it was suddenly no longer black, but pulsing, fiery red. Each time he noticed the color of the Void, it changed, and as he looked about, the colors flickered from green to blue to orange to white to something indiscernible, indescribable.

He landed with a weightless thump on the ground that suddenly was.

He spun in a slow circle, looking up as he turned. Image after image looped around him, from Kurama sitting in a tree as a child to Youko watching Kuronue meet his bloody demise.

He walked towards a deep ravine, a dip in the flat planes of Kurama's otherwise overflowing mind. Kneeling and peering into it, he saw nothing for miles in either direction.

Then he saw Kurama.

He was sitting on the ground, knees drawn up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, one hand supporting his chin. Bloodred hair blew in the wind from nowhere, and as Hiei watched, the red began to fade. Streaks lightened to silver, and Kurama lay flat on his back on the ground and sighed. Two furry silver ears slowly poked through the top of his hair, flicking to catch the sounds surrounding him, and a long, silky tail draped itself over his waist.

Hiei carefully climbed down the ravine, so as not to startle Kurama upon his arrival. He padded over to his friend softly and noticed that, while Kurama appeared to be caught in the process of transforming into Youko, he still had Kurama's lesser height and sparkling green eyes.

"…Kurama?"

Emerald eyes didn't turn from their gazing, locked on nothing, as Kurama responded. "Konbanwa, Hiei."

Hiei paused at the answer, startled by Kurama's tone. It was not the soft alto he had come to expect from his friend, but a flat, monotonous drone, meant purely to communicate a point. He sat by Kurama's head, making sure not to touch the interlacing bloodred and glittering silver strands, and keeping well clear of the soft silver triangles.

"What's wrong with you, Kurama?"

Kurama still didn't look at him as he responded. "What's wrong? Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Bullshit," Hiei snapped. "Tell me, Kurama. Tell me what's wrong so we can fix it. I don't want you this way - this isn't the way you were meant to be. Tell me."

"What's wrong?" Kurama whispered. "Everything's wrong."

Hiei stopped, his expression freezing somewhere between extraordinary pity and impatient anger. "Hontouni," he retorted.

"Hontouni…"

"Well then, you'd better begin talking."

Kurama looked to the side again, a foolish sort of smile on his face and a strange glitter in his eyes. Gold began to blend with emerald and Hiei shivered.

"Mother is getting married soon…" he whispered.

"Yes, Kurama, I know," Hiei replied, making sure to keep his voice soft and inviting. "I know she is."

"He has a son named Shuuichi…"

"I know," Hiei lied smoothly. "I know he does, it's alright. It's alright, Kurama."

"My life is going to change again…"

Again.

"Kurama, don't you want your mother to be happy? To get married again? To start a new life, to have someone to care for and to care for her when you leave?"

Tears glittered at the corners of Kurama's gold-speckled green eyes, threatening to spill. "I don't want a new life… Not again… Youko can't handle another one…"

Hiei tentatively laid a hand on Kurama's arm and lightly rubbed up and down. "Youko can handle anything you throw at him, Kurama, because Youko is you, and I know you can do it all. Youko can leave when he has to, when he wants to, and Youko will be okay."

Tears trailed down his cheek and he curled into a ball, turned towards Hiei. A sob wracked his body, and he lowered his head. "I don't want to, not again… She can't take me this way and I don't have anywhere else to put it… These feelings, I've got nothing else to do with them…"

"You don't have to bear this alone, Kurama. You don't have to be the stoic one. That's my job," Hiei murmured. "I'm the one with no one, not you. You've got Yuusuke and Kuwabara, and Shiori, and a life. You've got all of that."

You've got me.

"Do I? Really, do I?"

The question caught Hiei off guard, but then he realized that in Kurama's mind, Kurama was in control, and if he wanted to see Hiei's thoughts before him, he would. Hiei nodded.

"Yes, Kurama, you've got me too. I'm here for you and I can forget I love you when you need me." He laughed hollowly. "Maybe, later on, I won't even love you anymore, and it won't be a problem."

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~Kurama~

No…I don't want that… You don't understand…

"I want her to be happy…"

"Kurama," Hiei murmured warmly, "she can't be happy with her precious, perfect son brooding around the house being a sulky little punk who won't even tell her what's wrong. But you can't tell her what's wrong until you know, can you? And do you know? Kurama?"

He closed his eyes and curled in on himself even tighter. "I do…"

"Kurama…tell me… Tell me, and we can make it… Together, we can get you out of this madness… Because I know that's what it is, Kurama - it's madness. You aren't like this, not really, but you can't get yourself back to…yourself, the real you, until you figure out what's wrong and get beyond it." Hiei brushed back a lock of red hair, and it turned silver at his touch. "Tell me, Kurama, tell me what's wrong."

"…I can't… Hiei, this isn't you talking to me…and I can't tell someone I don't know what's tearing me up inside…"

"What do you mean, Kurama?" Hiei asked, sounding genuinely confused. "This is me. This is as real as I get."

"No, it isn't… This is some warped variation of you, turning yourself into someone who can talk to me and understand my pain, but Hiei, you aren't really this… You aren't this talkative, you aren't this sweet on a whim, aren't this…perfect. You're hurting, Hiei, operating under the influence of broken dreams. I don't want that. I don't want that for you."

Hiei paused, the silver-red lock of hair between his fingers, and Kurama suddenly leapt out of his stillness to wrap Hiei in a fierce hug. Burrowing his face into Hiei's neck, Kurama whispered softly to him, suddenly reversing the roles.

"Can't you be you, Hiei? Can't you do that for me? For Yukina? For the rest of the team? For you? This isn't real, Hiei, this is just some façade you've put on to make me feel better, but Hiei, I can't feel better until I know you're being you. Please, Hiei, this isn't the you I know so well. Please, go back to before…"

Hiei balked, frozen in place, his arms raised as if to set a defensive stance, body poised to leap up and run. Kurama nuzzled his hair and choked back a sob.

Not myself…?

"No, Hiei, you're not yourself and I can't live with myself until I know you're being you. Not some faked-up illusion to make me feel better. You deserve to be happy and that means you have to be who you are, not who I need."

"But…"

"But what, Hiei?" he asked, perhaps more harshly than he'd intended.

"But you'll - I can't-"

What if - what if you betray me?

Kurama leaned back and looked Hiei in the eye, his expression firm and stoic.

"Is that what this is about, Hiei? The Jagan? This delving into my mind to find 'something?' Is that what this is?"

"I - I don't - I didn't mean it to turn out-"

"But that's what this is, Hiei," Kurama whispered, his voice low and nearly silent, his expression defeated. "Hiei…I understand why you might think that, but… I don't know how to tell you this any other way… I won't betray anything that's mine…"

Hiei looked away, glaring at nothing. Is that what this will be? "You'll 'own' me, is that it?" he asked sharply, remembering that the confines of his mind were no longer safe.

"No! Hiei - I don't think anyone could ever own you, I wouldn't dream of it - I just - I would… Hiei…"

More tears fell from Kurama's eyes and he, too, looked to the ground.

"Hiei, I want to wake up…"

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Hontouni: Really