Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Intangible ❯ The Imperfect Ending ( Chapter 18 )

Yeah, much faster this round, right? Well…this is how the story goes. Epilogue will come shortly. Don't…er…kill me?

 

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.Eighteen.

 

So now I was back here again…at the party. Celebrating New Year's Eve at Genkai's temple. It was Kuwabara would planned the entire thing but it was at her place we would do it. Shizuru had disallowed any more parties to occur at their home after Kuwabara's birthday bash. She said we were too wild. And if it was New Year's Eve then we most certainly had to do it somewhere else. It was a miracle we even managed to convince Genkai to have us. Old age must have been making her soft.

 

I had forgotten Genkai kept a greenhouse at the back, though. The temperature in here was warm and mild—like spring. But it wouldn't be spring for another four months. I leaned back in the bench and looked away from the rose that held my attention for so long. Sitting here by myself on New Year's Eve—reminiscing of all things. What has happened to the old Urameshi indeed. I fingered a button on my shirt and looked up at the glass ceiling. It had started to snow. A small smile made its way onto my face. It was beautiful here.

 

“Yusuke?”

 

Blinking, I turned my head and saw Keiko standing at the greenhouse's entrance. I smiled and waved her over in my direction. She walked towards me and I could see the glitter of melting snowflakes on her hair and clothes as she sat down beside me.

 

“What's up?” I greeted.

 

She looked at me with a smile and I could just see the worry in her eyes. “Are you…all right? You've been kind of distant the entire time,” she asked.

 

I shrugged. “Just not in the party mood I guess. I never really celebrated New Year's like this. I always just sat at home and watched the night sky alone,” I said.

 

Keiko threw me an amused smile. “Somehow I can't imagine you doing that,” she pointed out jokingly.

 

I pretended to be hurt. “I'm not that incapable of being serious!” I exclaimed.

 

She laughed for a moment before settling her gaze on the same rose I had been staring at for the past hour. “What happened between you and him?” she finally prompted—slowly, carefully.

 

It had been two weeks since our fateful breakup. And during that time I had been plagued by nonstop questions from Kuwabara and Botan on what in the world had happened. Both were convinced that we were indeed a mismatched couple, Kurama and I, but a workable one anyway. So they were stunned when I told them we were off. Keiko had been more subtle about her surprise and had left me alone for the entire time. But I knew now that she wouldn't let me escape her this time.

 

“I guess…it just didn't work out. Our emotions and interests just moved on to something else we couldn't share,” I said after a long pause. I couldn't tell her the truth. No, that was between Kurama, Hiei, and I. No one else would have to know.

 

Keiko frowned. “But Yusuke…I didn't get to see you guys that often but I remember at Kuwabara's birthday party—even though I was a bit tipsy—you guys just looked…right,” she said, looking at me seriously.

 

I smiled at the memory of the party. “I think that was the height of our relationship,” I commented idly.

 

I had originally suggested that we end it there. But Kurama was still unsure of Hiei's feelings—would he fight for him? I laughed derisively to myself. Yeah, he sure would, Kurama. In fact, he fought with his own teammate for you. I narrowed my eyes when I remembered seeing those two together in the room where I left them. They were probably professing their love to one another now.

 

“I think you're hiding something from me,” came Keiko's voice.

 

Glancing at her I could spot the annoyance in her eyes and that tone of hers brought me back to our childhood years where I would be trying to hide something from her but somehow she always knew and would pry it out of me. Of course now, though…now she could no longer do that to me. We had far outgrown our childish tendencies and she knew when to let an issue go.

 

“Maybe I am. But it's for me to hide,” I replied nonchalantly before grinning at her. “But let's forget this for now. It's New Year's Eve! We have to party!”

 

I grabbed her hand and dragged her off the bench and into the snowy world outside. I had forgotten to bring my coat and was struck by the coldness in the air. But the sight was stunning. Genkai's temple was in an isolated region and when the snow fell—nothing obscured its beauty. I stood still for a moment, just staring at the trees and the dark silhouettes of the mountains in the horizon. The sky was cloudy grey but the snow made everything glow with a sparkle of light that shone like diamonds on anything it touched.

 

I found peace in this moment—a peace I hadn't experienced since my whole ordeal began with Kurama. I forgot about Keiko and everything else. Just letting it slip away from me like the way the snow fell from the sky so effortlessly. If only I could be so carefree, though.

 

“Yusuke, you're going to freeze to death!”

 

Keiko's voice drove me out of my reverie and I turned around to see her standing at the doorway to the temple, wrapping her coat around her body more tightly. “Come on in!” she shouted.

 

I smiled softly. “I'm fine, Keiko. Really. Just let me stand here for a bit,” I called back.

 

She stared at me in surprise and though I half expected her to start chastising me about my health, she didn't. She only nodded and smiled at me before slipping back into the warm, music-filled temple.

 

I was anywhere but cold. The Makai had its various landscapes and being exposed to them had made me immune to a lot of different types of weather. I tilted my head back and stuck out my tongue to catch some of those small water droplets. I chuckled to myself for a while. It seemed I had found my second childhood. The snow fell strong and heavily, but slowly and peacefully. It had only started about half an hour ago and already there was at least two inches covering the ground. I placed my hands in my pockets and began walking away from Genkai's temple.

 

“This entire area belongs to me.”

 

“We're on top of a mountain, you oaf. Don't think anyone can hear you even if you scream out your lungs.”

 

“I've only traveled some distance around my temple. But I do know of a secluded cliff on the other side of this temple. It overlooks the entire city. It can be quite the sight.”

 

Suddenly those words of a time long past filled my mind. I remembered now. Genkai had spoken of that area a few times. She always intended to show it to us but something always sidetracked us. Well…maybe it was time for me to do my own investigation then. I smiled to myself and clapped my hands together before I started running—running through the steady storm of soft, white flakes.

 

Absentmindedly, I wondered if I should have told anyone where I was going. Keiko would probably grow worried. But then again her boyfriend was with her. He was a nice guy. Hiro, his name was. He was kind of shy but definitely had a sense of humor. He cracked all of us up. I knew when Keiko was holding his hand and looking at him with those laughing eyes that he was good for her. I sighed to myself. Everyone seemed to be hooking up. Keiko and Hiro. Kuwabara and Yukina. Hiei and Kurama…

 

I shook my head to clear that image.

 

“Let's not get too distracted, Urameshi,” I muttered to myself.

 

I slowed my pace down to a silent walk and looked behind me. My tracks had been completely refilled by the snow. I bit my lip nervously for a moment. Well, if they really needed to find me they could always track down my youki. I shrugged and continued walking, embracing the darkness. There was no light around Genkai's temple but the grey sky and glittering snow provided all the light I would need. It was always brighter when it snowed for some reason. Almost blindingly so.

 

I had steadily ignored Kurama since last week. He probably thought I was mad with him. In reality, I just needed some time to myself. I mean…everything was done. He had accomplished his goal and I needed to erase him from myself. And seeing him every day wouldn't help that process. But that plan had backfired on me. I found myself thinking more about him than ever before. What was that proverb? Distance makes the heart grow fonder? Well, it couldn't be any more true in my case. Damn that kitsune. And damn myself for ever agreeing! If I could only change the past…

 

But I'm not a god am I?

 

No, I'm just a mere human with youkai blood running through his veins. Sometimes, though…sometimes, when I think back on the past two months, I can almost count the times in which Kurama looked at me with some sort of foreign emotion. And then there were times where his actions seemed truly genuine—as if it was not a show, but real. I shook my head again. There goes that wishful thinking again. I cursed under my breath. I didn't used to be this pathetic.

 

“Fuck!”

 

I suddenly found myself lying facedown in the snow after tripping over an upturned root as I passed by a tall bare tree. I lifted my head and wiped away my face irritably. I was cursed.

 

Then I caught sight of the scene before me—

 

And decided maybe I wasn't.

 

I was standing in front of a world of snowy paradise. I came from the city—but to see the city like this…in this completely mind bottling scale was something else altogether. From on top of this mountain all the lights glimmered like small stars in the distance and with the snow falling steadily upon the shining paradise, it made it seem even more surreal. I gazed hard at the scene as if it was something that would vanish in the blink of an eye—or worse, that it was a hallucination caused by my fall to Shizuru's spiked juice.

 

But Yusuke, you're the utterly tolerable drinker aren't you?

 

Oh, right.

 

I sighed deeply and cocked my head to the side as I walked to the edge. It was dangerous, but nothing that could kill me if I fell. I survived through a lot more than to just die falling down a mountain. It was almost comical to even think about it. The infamous Urameshi Yusuke meets his fall at the bottom of a snowy mountain cliff! The culprit? Why, his own stupidity for even walking so far! I snickered at the idea.

 

A light beeping sound snapped me out of my reverie and I glanced at my watch to see that it was currently half past eleven. Only another half hour to go before we rang in the new year. I stared at the snow some more. Ah, Urameshi, you're just moping now. You brought this upon yourself—now get yourself out of it. I frowned. If only it was that easy. I almost wish I could be mad at Kurama—for going up to me that day, for convincing me to play the act, and for totally ruining my plans on being the “free-spirited Urameshi Yusuke” that I had so painstakingly come up with. I wanted to be mad at him for making me care again.

 

But the only direction I could point my anger in was at myself.

 

“Fuck you!” I shouted at the top of my lungs to the entire snowy world around me. “You're so goddamn weak! This is all your fault—you got that? I HATE YOU!”

 

You, you, you…me, me, me. After that little outburst I collapsed to the ground and panted lightly from the exertion of screaming one's head off. That felt…satisfying. At this I couldn't help but start laughing to myself. What a fool I must look right now…

 

Or else an insane psychopath—which isn't too far from the truth I suppose.

 

Standing up again I curled my fists to my side and gathered all the air into my chest to let out one final message into the night.

 

“LOVE STINGS LIKE A FUCKING BEE!”

 

What words of advice to give, Urameshi. They should write a book on your philosophy. I leaned back and fell into the snow. With a soft plop I felt the immediate cold biting down my back and began moving my arms and legs in a lazy attempt at a snow angel.

 

“You seem to be having fun.”

 

Snapping upright I turned around to see—shock of all shocks—Kurama watching me like I was some kind of spectacle. Then again…I guess I was. I stood up very slowly as to not screw up my immaculate snow angel before facing him warily.

 

“What's up?”

 

“Keiko was worried.”

 

“She's always worried.”

 

“She suggested one of us go look for you.”

 

“And you got picked for the job.”

 

“I volunteered.”

 

“Oh…that's nice of you.”

 

A one-sentenced conversation with Kurama—it was like we were back to the beginning when we were still unsure of the other's motive. I shrugged carelessly and gestured to my back. “Nice view, right?” I inquired.

 

For a moment Kurama's gaze fell away from my face to scope out the scenery behind me. A look of surprise and awe filled his eyes. I grinned.

 

“So this is what distracted you,” he commented idly.

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

Suddenly…

 

“You didn't by any chance…hear any random screaming before did you?”

 

Kurama suddenly looked at me again. His voice was carefully neutral but I could see the mirth in his eyes. “No, I can't say I did,” he replied.

 

I scowled at him. “Liar,” I shot back immediately. He blinked twice at me as if stung by my words. I stared at him placidly. “You can go back you know. I'm safe and sound. You can tell Keiko to stop worrying her ass off—and say that to her in those exact words.”

 

I tried to keep the bitterness out my voice but somehow I think some of it slipped through as I watched Kurama look away for a second at my words.

 

“I don't want us to be at odds, Yusuke.”

 

“We're not at fucking odds with each other.”

 

Okay, so I was failing at hiding my sourness. Oh well. I blinked at my harshness and waved my hand before Kurama could say anything else. “All right, all right, so maybe we are at odds,” I admitted finally, turning around to face the city landscape.

 

“I'm sorry. I know I put you through a lot these past two months.”

 

“Stop apologizing already. It's getting on my nerves. And besides…it's not like I didn't know the risks.”

 

What the hell are you saying? I blinked in surprise. What did I just say? And catching that bewildered expression on Kurama's face, I knew I completely blew it. Way to go, Urameshi. Just pour some more salt on your wounds, will you? I cringed.

 

“Uh…I mean…well…”

 

“Yusuke…I'm so sorry.”

 

Oh, that was relieving. Really. All I needed now was to see that look of sympathy I knew Kurama was directing towards me. I turned away and tightened my fists. “It's not your fault, Kurama. I'm the one who fell for you—despite knowing how you felt,” I said dully.

 

I felt his hand on my shoulder and resisted the urge to look at him. This masochism was unbecoming.

 

“Yusuke…I'm not the person you think I am.”

 

This time I looked at him. And I this time he was the one looking down. I narrowed my eyes at him. “What do you mean?” I asked.

 

“Being with me…it would be dangerous.”

 

I almost laughed. “You're telling me that? Kurama, you know as well as everyone else, that I practically invite danger with my arms wide open. And do you honestly think I can't defend myself or you?” I exclaimed.

 

Kurama eyed me darkly. “It's not my enemies that I worry about. It's me,” he stated tonelessly.

 

“You mean your other self?”

 

He turned away from me and looked out over the edge to the starry wonderland below. “I'm not always so calm and collected. I do have a darker side. And I don't want you to get hurt by it.”

 

I scoffed at him. “So you're telling me you would put Hiei at risk instead?” I demanded angrily.

 

What the hell was going on here? First, I was worried about never being able to face Kurama again and now I was lecturing him? What did it mean? And why was he revealing all of this now? Did this mean that maybe…he really did care about me? I gave a deprecating chuckle. Dare I dream?

 

“You're young, Yusuke. You have so much to live for. Both Hiei and I, though…we understand loneliness and despair. He knows my pain and I know his. You…you are a light that I cannot bear.”

 

“Kurama…”

 

I didn't know what to say anymore. One look at his face was enough to tell me what he was feeling.

 

He smiled at me—a familiar, warm smile—that was tainted by sadness. “You are beautiful, Yusuke. And I won't risk marring your pure spirit—it was the very thing that drew me to you. But I can't hold onto you anymore. I was selfish. I used you so I could experience your glow for a short while…but I knew that I had to stop. So I told myself… Just one more time—let me see that happiness and purity that I had lost long ago—and then I will never go back. I lived in a dream during the time I was with you. I was happy. Hiei knew it and that was why he helped me. I think he believed you would be able to save me—at least that's what I assumed considering what he told you when the two of you fought. He didn't want to see me fall I suppose,” he said slowly.

 

I was shaking. “What…the fuck are you talking about?! Kurama, I know you! You're not dark or lost—you're…you're you! And me…pure? What the hell are you thinking? I used to kill youkai—your people—as a living not long ago!” I shouted. I didn't know why I was shouting. Kurama was listening to me, I knew, but somehow…I felt that shouting was the only way to get my message across.

 

But Kurama kept smiling that damn smile of his—the one I knew he used when he didn't want to reveal anything. And I hated him for that.

 

“No, Yusuke. You'll never know the evils of this world as I do—and I won't let you.”

 

“Goddamn you!”

 

In a maniacal impulse I grabbed Kurama and kissed him—releasing all of my fury, my inhibitions, my love, my despair. It was not soft and tender like the first one I shared with Kurama, but passionate and hard. He didn't resist me—but he didn't react either. I pulled away only far enough to look at him in the eye while my hands were placed on both sides of his head to keep his gaze solely on me.

 

“And I thought I was the masochist,” I murmured.

 

He blinked slowly. “Your vision of us is nothing but a dream, Yusuke.”

 

He then pulled away from me and started walking towards the edge of the cliff while I watched him take the rest of my heart with him. He stopped for a second and gave me a sidelong glance. Suddenly, I felt a breeze brush up by my side and looked down to see Hiei. His face was inscrutable as he looked at Kurama.

 

“It's time for you to wake up and see what the world is really like. I wish I could have done this without you being here but…I have no choice now.”

 

My eyes widened in alarm and instinctively. I began to move before Hiei's hand wrapped around my wrist—preventing me from leaving my spot.

 

“Watch,” he ordered tightly and I could see the distinct outlining of tears at the corners of his eyes as he spoke.

 

I shook my head in horror and looked at Kurama again. He smiled once more—a genuinely happy one—and took out a small vial from his pocket. I watched as he downed its contents in one gulp.

 

“Hiei…take care of him.”

 

And without further smiles or words, he disappeared into the snowy abyss below.

 

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TBC