Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ L'Amoreux (My Kitsunep4) ❯ L'Amoreux ( Chapter 9 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

L'Amoreux (NYC 11-22-02)

I realized everyones attention was riveted to me.
Hiei was alarmed, he heard it too, he understood what
was happening and he felt the panic inside of me. He
never touched my mind because of The Eye but he's open
to all my emotional outbursts. The Oni who was still
clutching his hat like a crumpled shield was clueless,
he had no idea what he just did.

I knew that if I spoke too soon my voice will betray
me, I bent down and picked up the camera. I took my
time, hiding the panic that might show in my eyes and
the clot of despair lodge in my throat. I opened the
camera and pulled out the film, I crushed the film
between my fingers exposing the roll, in a low voice I
said "I don't like the way your disturbing our
privacy, I want you and your club to stay away from
us. We know you are harmless but we don't like being
stalked around by fans."

"L-like he's doing?" he asked, his finger shook as he
pointed down the alleyway at the hiding human. I
frowned at him and he cringed, I hope he knew how
close he came to being shredded to pieces.

"Hiei settle that please." I asked him to do it
because he was the one who thought that human might be
useful. I didn't look at Hiei, he understood what was
going on despite my calm facade.

I don't want to kill this oni, this innocent ogre who
just woke me from my dreams of happiness.

"Hn." Hiei moved off to do as I asked.

I deliberately sighed and gave the Oni a half smile
"Look, I appreciate your forming a fan club and all
but, it's really not a good time to be stalking us."

His eyes brightened "Oh yes... the one you called
Yoshira, we saw her in the HK dept. last, or at least
the entity that you called Yoshira who possesed that
poor Ningen, we don't know where it is now though. I
have to ask Tom-san, he has the bestiary. I missed the
last meeting so I don't know the latest news about
that demon." He was trying to be helpful, but what he
said made my vision go dim.

"How much do you know about this?" I asked I must
have suddently looked threatening because he became
uncertain of himself. It took a lot of effort to shrug
off the violence that was slowly building inside me.

"Not much sir! Only that there is this demon spirit
and that it attacked you and Hiei-sama. You killed the
body it possesed and we don't know where it is, we are
keeping an eye out for souls entering the gates
without death records. That's all I know, I left the
Reikai when we heard your papers got transffered here,
I haven't been in contact with anybody from the club
because officially I'm on stress leave. I- I just
wanted a picture of you!"

I thought about it for a few seconds "I want you to
find out more about this creature, meet me here in
three days and," I held up the film I destroyed "I'll
make it up to your club."

He bobbed his head up and down ecstatically,
"Arigatou Kurama Sama!" he said then started bowing to
his waist over and over.

"Go before I change my mind." I said.

"Yes sir Kurama-sama sir!" he put his hat back on
"Thank you Hiei-sama!" he said giving him the same low
bows, he then ran to the far corner where a dark
sliver tore itself across the asphalt ground, he leapt
into it hand over his head to keep his hat from flying
off and the tear between the worlds swallowed him.

"Daijoubu?" Hiei asked in a low voice, he was
dragging the gangster by the collar who was bugged
eyed at seeing the bowing 3-horned Oni. The human
looked up at me and the same awe and fear I've seen in
the Oni was on his face too.

He thinks were high ranking devils with lower class
demons bowing to us. I glared at the human till he
began to quake with fear.

"Kurama?" I looked at Hiei. I could feel his
frustrated anger simmering beneath his eyes, he's
holding it at bay because he worries about me.

"They know about Yoshira, I asked him to do some
reaserch for us, he'll be back 3 days from now or
sooner." I reached out to brushed his cheek with the
back of my fingers but my fingers were too stiff with
suppressed violence, they curled back into a fist and
fell by my side.

He frowned at me, "We have to go back to the hotel in
30 minuites." I said, our human 'fan' is dark skinned
but his facial bones suggested white ancestry,
naturally, he was grouped with the blacks. He was
looking up at us, begging us with his eyes.

I looked at Hiei, he was still glaring at me but he
knew what I wanted to know. "Jerry Sanders." he
whispered the boy's name without speaking, and I felt
from that small touch of thought Hiei's concern for my
psychological well -being. I brushed his concern aside
and concentrated on what must be done. Hiei's eyebrows
went up and he looked almost hurt.

"Please sir! I only wanted to serve you, please
masters!" The human said with his hands pressed
together, he must be 16 or 17 years old.

The sound of that title the human gave us pissed me
off. I picked him up with one hand and raised him so
we were eye to eye and his feet dangled "Do not call
us that!" I said in a voice that held all the pent up
rage that Oni had roused in me.

An hour ago it was Hiei who was ready to kill, now
it's my turn. "Go home, do not approach us again or
you will die, if WE need you we'll find you. You
cannot hide from us, we know everything about you. Do
you understand Jerry Sanders!" I shouted at him his
face inches from mine.

"Y-yes!! Yes s-s-ssir! I understand sir!" His voice
was a squeak forced through clenched jaws. I dropped
him and he fell on his behind his knees too weak to
support him.

"GO!" I shouted at him, I felt my youki flare with my
temper. Fear drained the blood from his face, he
crawled away backwards as fast as he could and when he
was far enough he tried standing and fell several
times as he ran.

"You scared him shitless." Hiei said softly besides
me, he looked up and his concern was still there
behind his glare.

"Like I care." I muttered as I stalked out of the
alley. A hand caught my arm and the strength behind it
pulled me to a stop. I stood with my back to him,
hands shoved deep in my coat pockets teeth clenched
with the effort to keep my rage in. We stayed like
that for what seemed hours, but only a few seconds had
passed.

"I'm sorry, I lost my temper, I..." I ground the
words out and it sounded terrible, I don't want Hiei
to worry about me, he shouldn't have to worry about
things like these. I took a deep breath, jerked my arm
away from him and leaned against the wall.

"Give me a minuite." I said as I began counting every
slow breath I took, now is not the time to be angry, I
have to be calm because anger clouds judgement. There
must be a way around this, there must be a way to make
this last.

I don't remmember half my reasons for running, dammit
I don't even remember why I hate Yomi so much!
Revenge, ch, I wonder what he did to make me hold this
grudge? Revenge is for children and the emotionally
retarded, what did he do exactly to make me act like a
retard? Dammit why does my blood boil when I think of
Yomi?

Have I been poisoned by that hate so much that I
couldn't enjoy life anymore? Is that why I gave away
the memory of that hate?

I felt a hand over my chest, and that heat I love
soothed me. I laid a hand over Hiei's small one and
closed my eyes. Then I felt his small body press
against mine, his Jagan rested near my core, his hands
flat against my chest. I sighed and put my arms around
my beloved.

We don't know when Enma will return to his kingdom,
we don't know if they have already found out about my
theft. And if they did, finding me was as simple as
asking any Oni. Hell, he can place a bet while he's at
it.

Dammit.

Hiei and I both understood that we don't have a lot
of time, our blissful days could end at any moment. It
angered me because... because when I started this, I
never dreamed I'd be happy. I thought I would be
alone, bearing this burden for decades, I never
imagine Hiei would happen to me.

I was happy, I was having fun, I laughed and my joy
came from deep within. Hiei made me forget the grudge
and the despair that had become a part of my life.

That oni woke me from my dreams, and understanding
the roots of my rage left me empty. Grudge and
despair, my old bedfellows, came home to roost.

Welcome back you bastards.

I felt Shuichi's raging against my thoughts, I sighed
heavily and took comfort in Hiei's arms. Right now, my
beloved isn't just trying to make me feel better with
his embrace, he is also seeking my comfort. I pressed
him closer to me, Hiei wants me to make him feel
better and knowing that made me feel better already.

Oh no...!

Do you understand now Youko? Our selfishness is going
to kill Hiei!

I stopped breathing, I felt my knees buckle, only the
wall and Hiei kept me standing.

Gods.... what have we done?!

I pushed him away gently to look at him and saw the
fruits of my labor to break the ice cold Koorime.
Hiei's crimson eyes were wide with surprise but full
of concern.

Inari... what have I done?

"Kurama? What is it?" he asked me puzzled by the
horror that must be showing in my face.

He dosen't have to die with us, they don't want Hiei,
they want me. And we have destroyed his capacity to
not feel his emotions, to put his feelings aside and
not care. We have disabled his survival mechanism, the
one that enabled him go on despite his painful past.
His cold Koorime heart!

If I do get killed he's not going to survive it. He
will die with me, I... I just killed the one I love!
Again!

Ah Inari! Not again!

And for once Shuichi and I were of one mind.

I let Hiei's shoulders go and tried to walk away from
him but my knees wouldn't support me. I almost
tripped, I crouched in the darkening alley and sat on
my heels.

I could have evaded him in Tokyo, I could have
knocked him out and left him in Hong Kong, he got hurt
because he was seen with me. I should have left him
there, he can take care of himself and my pursuers
will leave him alone. I could have called Yusuke and
bought Hiei a ticket back to Tokyo where he would be
safe. If I truly love Hiei I should not have been
selfish, I should have let him go! I want him to live,
it's- it's not too late I can still-

A heard a sharp crack and my head turned to one side
involuntarily, a sharp sting burned on my cheek. I
looked up and found Hiei glaring furiously at me, fist
in the air ready to hit me again. He opened his hand,
lowered it and backhanded me instead. I put a hand
over my burning cheek, I was too stunned to do
anything about the second slap. He caught my coat
collar and pulled me closer so our faces were barely
an inch from each other.

"Don't even think it Kurama!" He shouted at me.
"Don't you dare leave me behind! We are in this
together!" He let go and I fell forward on my knees.
His expression softened but his hands still shook in
white knuckled fists. "Stop being selfish, dammit
share this with me!"

"Hiei, I don't want you-" his hand went over my
mouth.

"Hhsss! You stupid son of a bitch, how many times
must I tell you!" His head decended and pressed
against my forehead "Don't you dare leave me, don't
you dare take this away from me!"

I lowered my head in defeated. I doubt I can run from
Hiei now that he knows how the world works and he has
his Jagan eye.

Hm, lets see, I'm running from the god of the
underworld because I stole something from him, a demon
spirit who I have somehow wronged because she or he
have been trying to kill me for the past 2 centuries
and an upper class S demon king who I hate so much for
a reason I can't even remmeber. No, I can't afford to
add a stubborn, frustrated Class S demon lover with a
Jagan to my list, there's no way I can hide from that,
even death can't hide me from him.

I shook my head at my own optimism, scratching my
forhead on Hiei's cashmere coat, his small warm hand
gently stroked the back of my head. So this makes 2
now? The first one I failed to protect and now my
selfishness will destroy this one as well. I knew from
the beggining that taking him along was a disaster in
the making, this little trip will destroy my Hiei.

And the gods forgive me but, I can't let him go. I
just can't, it's out of the question! I might as well
bury Shuichi.

Youko... we can't loose him, I can't go back to
that... please... Youko, I beg you, I'm not as strong
as you...

Shuichi... but how long do we have? Weeks? Hours?
Moments? Even if they plead Hiei's innocence if I get
punished he'll want to be punished with me.

"As long as I'm with you." Hiei said following my
thoughts.

Ahh, but that hurt! It hurts because he's determined
to stand by my stupidity.I put my hands over my head,
breaking Hiei's hold, trying to physically protect
myself from a wound I can't heal with my lore. I can
survive alone, if I loose Shuichi I will survive, but
that's surviving not living and there's a world of
difference between those two.

I was surviving before I arrived in the
Ningenkai, and this little bastard gave me a new lease
on life. Hiei breathed life back into me, because of
that I can't be without him, I can't stand to loose
him. Inari I don't want to be lonely again!

But dammit I don't want him to get hurt! I want him
to live and be happy.

I... I don't want to get hurt!

I shut Shuichi away from my thoughts because
his protest is making my head ache. "Hiei... you
deserve better than me, Hiei, I want you to live-"

"My soul is bound to yours there can be no one else
but you." he said softly cutting me off, "I want no
one else but you, and I will not be happy without
you." his hands touched my burning cheeks and I felt
his lips on my forhead. "Your worth it Kurama, your
worth my all." his cheek brushed against my temple
"You were right you know, '...yet sweeter than honey
is his venom on the lover's lips and fairer his
destruction in the seeker's eyes than a thousand
lives...'" he said quoting back Rume the Sufi poet.
"This will be a fitting end. What better way to test
my strength than to fight against a god?"

I buried my face in his chest and lost my battle
againts tears. I put my arms around him and clung to
him, his own arms went around my neck and his head was
a warm weight over mine. He didn't hush me, he didn't
try and make me stop, he just held me and gave me what
I needed most. Himself.

He will stand by me, no matter what happens he will
remain with me. No wonder Shuichi cried, Hiei is too
good for me, I really don't deserve him.

"I thought we discussed that already?" he said in a
chiding tone. I snorted, yes we did, but who knew this
beautiful heart lay under all that ice? All I wanted
back when I first met him was for him to acknowledge
my friendship. I didn't hope for his love, because he
seemed too ravaged inside to ever open up and be this
warm and kind.

"You found me, I have you to thank for that." his
voice rumbled in his chest, but behind his tone I
could sense his distress. I really should stop crying,
my weakness is worrying him.

"It's alright Kurama, you taught me that you don't
have to be strong all the time. And you certainly
don't have to be strong for me." I looked up at him
and he nodded at me, his blood red orbs full of
understanding and sadness. His fingers raked my hair
away from my face then he brushed his cheeks against
my damp lashes. When he pulled away his cheeks were
damp with my tears, it choked me, he blurred before my
eyes. Hiei couldn't cry because of his deeply
ingrained inhibitions so he took my tears and made it
his own.

"Our time together is short, what we have could end
anytime... Enma is strong." this galled him because he
frowned and looked away, "We could hope for his mercy
but who knows how a god's mind works. We can always
fight him, but I doubt Koenma and their lackeys would
watch idly while we pound that big monkey to
submission." He looked back at me with a strained
smile, he seemed aged somehow, worn and sad, defeated
from within... I realized I was looking at my
bedfellows in his eyes, despair and the hope for
revenge. "We might as well enjoy what time we have
left." he added with a small shrug.

I was... appalled.

I caught his cheeks and pressed my lips to his, and
his response was as hungry and as desperate as mine. I
want that expression off him, I want it back where it
came from, if there is anyone who has to bear that let
it be me. I want Hiei back to his grumpy, foul
mouthed, bratty self, I want Hiei to give me his
secret little smile, I want him to call me stupid and
glare at me while his heart smiles.

"I don't want that - that darkness in you either." he
gave my lowerlip a final squeeze before he tightened
his arms around me, "I want my gentle Youko back."

I... lost it.

"Hiei."I groaned his name and wept in his arms. I
realized that this moment and the realization that
this could end anytime had changed us forever. I clung
to him, I held him so tight I was hurting him, but he
didn't complain, he held on to me with equal force,
his own fierce need burned me from within.

That despair in his eyes came from me. Hiei never
despaired, he stood up and fought to the bitter end. I
was brave once too, but my courage was eroded by the
prospect of pain I can't heal. Losing Hiei will break
me to pieces, I've tasted that pain before and it took
me 2 centuries to overcome.

It just fucking hurts too much! Everytime I look at
the sky I am reminded of his azure eyes, the clouds
was the exact texture and color of his hair. He smells
of spring grass, clovers, and wild mountain irises.
His skin taste like fresh snow melt springs and the
frost of the moon on dew drenched leaves. I see him
everywhere during the day, and his memory tortured my
every sleeping moment! It stabs me where I can't heal
it! It's been so long and that wound have scarred,
but the memory of pain remains. Even now I cower from
it, I... I can't-

I felt the despair disssolve from Hiei, it was
replaced by that determination and courage I so admire
in him. He put his palms over my temple and pushed me
away he then wiped my cheeks dry with his fingers
"We're still alive, and really, tears don't become you
my husband."

Husband... dammit.

Hiei... my Hiei smells of warm amber, of stones
heated by a fragrant wood fire. His skin taste as
sweet as toasted marshmallows, and as creamy as fresh
warm milk. He's a bonfire in his passion hot and
consuming, the cruel summer sun in his anger and his
eyes are burning embers waiting to be stoked to life.
Every fire I will see will remind me of his eyes, the
sun his warmth, and... chocolate, his lips are almost
always sweet with chocolate. Every sweetness I taste,
everytime I feel cold, everytime the heat of passion
takes me, I will remember Hiei.

It made me smile. I sniffed and wiped my own eyes, I
was ashamed of my cowardice, I wanted to blame Shuichi
for my vulnerability but thats just plain stupid.
Besides, who says I'll survive him?

So, I doomed Hiei to die and I can't be without him.
The solution is simple really, we fight and die
together.

"Agreed," Hiei nodded at me. "and thank you."

"Hm? Your going to die because of my stupidity and
your thanking me?" I looked down at the black asphalt
floor of the alley, it's sharp stones are digging into
my knees, they hurt but right now I don't give a damn.
His fingers went behind my ear and began scratching me
gently. I sighed and leaned into his touch, pushing my
head against his belly.

"Thank you for giving me this expirience. What we
have is the most wonderful thing thats ever happened
to me. I have no regrets." he whispered.

I winced and closed my eyes.

"You sure- I can't make you change your mind?" I
asked my own voice barely above a whisper. My hope
that he'll remain colored my voice.

"Hn, no way. Don't even try."

Hm. Guess I was being selfish.

I shook my head nuzzling the silk of his vest,
then pressed my face against his chest. I wrapped my
arms loosely around his waist. Hiei cares so much
about me, the last one who cared this much was my
human mother.

"Ch." he made that annoyed sound, I felt him lift my
hair from my back and tie it into a loose heavy knot.
The ends must be touching the pavement.

Why? Goddammit why must I have Hiei now when
everything is too late? I want to spend my life with
him, I want to grow old with Hiei, I want to...

"Dammit... what am I going to do with you Hiei? Your
tearing me apart!"

He sighed with impatience "Just be glad we found each
other before it was too late. We have time, we have
each other. I've told you once, I'll tell you again,
and I'll repeat myself over and over until you get
this through that thick head of yours." He cupped my
chin and made me look at him, "Keep me here besides
you, thats all I want. I need you, I will follow you
to the ends of the world and your right, even death
can't hide you from me. If you think keeping me is
being selfish then by all means be selfish.
Don't-don't take this away from me." and his last
words were thick with his hope even if he tried to
sound like he's pissed.

His hope gave me the courage I needed to face my own
fear. Hiei has given me his all while I had
instinctively held back parts of myself so I won't get
hurt. Ch, stupidity knows no boundaries, age included.
I have fallen into my centuries old defense mechanism,
well, not anymore.

And he's right, we do have time, we have each other,
in a way knowing this can end anytime was a gift
because now we will spent every minuite to the
fullest. No time will be wasted or regretted.

I can see in his eyes and feel in his touch his
absolute devotion, it calmed me, took the edge off the
guilt that threatened to ruin what we have, and his
hope, sparked a light in the wastelands of my despair.
The hope that we can spent what time we have to the
fullest and have an honorable death fighting for each
other.

And there's no bending his will, I knew that from his
touch too. His mind is set and no matter how many
times I call him baby he's not a child, he's a man,
and he had thrown his lot with us. The only thing I
can do now is respect his decition and accept his
selfless gift.

Devotion... ch, guess I have to give that another
shot.

Okay, so we can't hide or dissapear, I had new credit
cards and debit cards made in our name so when I
orchestrate our 'deaths' there is enough evidence to
point out that we are gone. But now that scheme is
useless and I can't kill myself for real because Hiei
will die with me. My plans will go unfulfilled.

I'm sure Hiei wants to destroy Yoshira, I can't deny
him his need for revenge, and I will never forget what
she did to him either. I want Yomi to suffer for what
he did to me, whatever it was it must be something
big, because I thought it reasonable to make him
suffer for years.

So what now? What am I going to do?

"I? It's 'we' remember." my beloved chided me.

It made me realize that I've been unjust to Hiei. He
is my partner, my equal, and yet I treat him like a
little child. I make decitions without consulting him,
I've kept him in the dark concerning out finances, and
led him around without explaining why. Pampering and
spoiling him silly is one thing but matters like these
require our joint agreement.

"Sorry, what do we do now?" I said amending my
mistake, from now on I will consult with him, we will
decide what we will do together.

I felt him nod and I realized he was still following
my thoughts "Iie Itoshii, your thoughts are intruding
on mine. In your turmoil you seeked me out, I felt
everything you felt, and heard most of everything you
thought."

Damn, "I'm sorry." I made myself let go of him, we
agreed without words to not waste anymore time here.
He graced me with a small smile, and touched a wet
spot in the corner of my eye.

"For what?" He asked as he backed away and held a
hand out. I accepted it and he pulled me to my feet
then slapped the dust off my knees.

"For thinking of leaving you behind." he looked up at
me and I can see he heard I wasn't convinced yet. That
I still want to spare him, that I still want to- he
frowned. I sighed heavily because to me, his frown was
as good as a spoken reprimand, he's still hearing my
thoughts. "Stubborn, we share that trait now thanks to
you." I said.

He shook his head "Hn. I'm sad and it's thanks to
you, so we're quits."

"Che." I failed to supress a pained smile. "What now
my love? What do we do now?"

He sighed "We live the moment, that's what you taught
me, we take each moment as they come and make sure we
don't regret them."

"If it's our time, it's our time." I nodded my
agreement "You see any hope?" I asked.

He looked up at the empty alleyway "Gods are fickle,
Fate is a bitch, and Destiny is an asshole." He looked
up at me with steely eyes full of his determination to
live. "We'll find a way."

I nodded, I liked the way he described gods, fate and
destiny. We are, in a way, going to defy them. "I'm
with you."

"Good, we go as planned for now. Yoshira, then that
eye but before that, you have a show to go to.
Afterwards we are going to our rooms and we are
staying there," The hard determination in his eyes was
suddently full of intent "I want you, do you
understand?" It sounded like a command. I tried on a
smile and Hiei smirked back. He's being strong for me,
he's taking charge of the situation.

Gods, I'm so glad I saw how I was treating Hiei wrong
before it got worse. I have a strong nurturing
instinct partially because I took care of plants and
herbs as soon as I could walk and Hiei is so... I hope
he's not listening, coz I think Hiei is the cutest
most huggable little love I have ever had. He's the
smallest and he lets me carry him and baby him and he
likes snuggling and... mou! I really can't help
myself!

Inari, I hope he wasn't listening to that I'd be in
so much trouble.

So, carpe diem(1) hm? So far I have many
regrets, aside from the obvious. I regret every day,
every hour, I did not make love to him, I regret
wasting the times I could have been his uke while
Shuichi gets him ready for me. I wonder if...

"No regrets?" I asked.

He raised an eyebrow at me "Hn, stubborn, stupid,
kitsune." He turned to leave but not before I saw that
smile he reserves only for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1) Seize the moment.