Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Let me Know or let me GO ❯ Let me know or let me go ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Kurama or Hiei Both Great Boy Toys

What happens when you have the perfect life? Good Husband two kids and no worries, but what happens when old memories and thoughts cross your mind and reck your life. Your Forced to tell your most precious secret to your lover. Would he stand by you or would he leave forever?

Anime/Manga: Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Romance | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.01.2005 | Pages: 12 | Words: 12.0K | Visits: 569 | Status: Completed

Disclaimer: I do not own yu yu. But I do own the story and the plot you take I sue

Oh and um bye the way for all my readers who check ratings and everything. This has a dry lemon. With a hint o rape. Basically no details in lemon for my reasons ( cause she's telling the story she wouldn't want to tell all the detail stuff that's why there's no detail but for all my other lemons which are coming up soon will have great detail)

Oh the saying I used in the story “if you love me...” blah blah I saw it in my French class I think it was a song but regardless I don't own.

When this story is in this type of print it means current it's happening now. But when in this type of type means remembering or in the past.

Let me Know... Or let me go

Shime sat in her spot in their room. Well not in her spot in his spot. She picked up the letter Kurama had handed her earlier in the day. She knew what it was she could smell the pine needle on it.

She read aloud: “You and your family are invited to an Engagement / Reunion Party. To celebrate our ten year friendship mark. Time: 6:00- I don't care. Where: Genkai's temple. R.S.V.P. to Keiko and Yusuke.

She balled the letter up and through it across the room; hoping it would make it into the fire. And hoping Kurama would forget.

Shime sighed as she looked at the white snow fall.

“It shouldn't be like this. I love Kurama but...I can't help but wonder.”

Kurama knocked on the door. She turned around fast hoping he did not hear her comment.

“You look great today.”

“Kurama you say that everyday.”

“Yes but I mean it more and more everyday.”

A small chuckle came from Shime's lips.

“It's been a long time since you've laughed.”

Her smile went away. Kurama pushed Shime over so he could sit next to her. She moved quickly to the other side of the window.

“Shime, what's the matter”

She just stared out the window. Kurama grabbed her hands and pulled her onto his lap. She fought him scratching and screaming.

“Shime tell me”

“Kurama let me go ....Please”

“Shime, I'm not hurting you. I'm not letting you go.”

She stopped fighting him and cried into his chest.

“Are you going to tell me?”

He wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Him... I can't face him again.”

“That's been twelve years ago Shime, you have two beautiful children. You have me. You have a house.”

“It still hurts Kurama It still hurts”

“I know Shime. But you have to respect his chose.”

“Kurama” she started to cry again.

Kurama just sighed.

“Shime why? Don't you love me?”

“Yes, I love you very much so.”

“So tell me why you still care for him.”

“I don't know I just know it still hurts.”

Shime looked up, back at the falling snow.

“Shime tell me why you can't let go....Tell me why... how. Start from the beginning. Tell me the story even though I know it. Tell me now from start to finish... Then we will speak of it no more. We will move on with our lives, we will be happy with our children. So, Shime tell me now or drop it and, we'll leave”

“I don't remember it... not all of it ...just parts.”

“Then tell me what you do know or drop it.”

“It's hard Kurama”

“Then drop it and come on”

Kurama started to push Shime off his lap tiring of this conversation. He thought she had gotten over it and left it behind. It had been twelve years so why would she bring this up again.

“He was about 5'9 and he was 18”

“What Shime” Kurama stopped pushing her off and looked at her

“Please don't go”

“Shime tell me why you're so attached. You were just friends not lovers. And you couldn't stand him anyway. Right?”

Shime turned her head and looked out the window.

“Shime... you were just friends right... Shime what did you do”

“It was winter. Cold snow fell to the ground. I was playing in the yard in front of my house. I was only 16. I was planning to make a snowman. Keiko and I had been friends for years. How was I supposed to know?”

“Shime” Kurama shook Shime out of her daze. “Tell me what you have been hiding all these years.”

“Keiko”

“Shime I know you knew Keiko tell me how you meet him.”

Keiko had taken me to Genkai's temple, to meet Yusuke. She had successfully kept me from meeting him. We waited in Genkai's temple for him ...But he never did show up. Keiko was heart broken. Genkai had informed us that everyone was out on another mission. But I couldn't do anything for her, so I left to walk the snow covered land. It was beautiful; I walked for what seemed like hours. But soon I became lost. The temp had dropped and it became dark outside. No one knew I had left, so I was left alone there. I tried to keep walking, I tried to keep moving but I couldn't I had to rest. So I sat down under a tree hoping someone would find me. I had given up all hope; but then I saw it those eyes. Those eyes filled with love and hate; Anger and despair; light and dark; pain and suffering. Those eyes. I felt his hot breath on my neck. I waited for him to take advantage of me, to hurt me. He licked his lips and pulled me into his warm body. It felt so good. He smelled like Pine. Then that was it I woke-up in a bed at Genkai's temple. I jumped out of the bed. But Genkai quickly pushed me down.

“You've been through a lot you almost died if he hadn't found you.”

I looked over to were she pointed. She was pointing to the window sill

“This spot.” She took a deep breath and continued her life sobbing story.

Over the next couple of days I was made to lie in that bed. But he was there always watching me always pushing me back down with great force if I tried to get up. If I did manage to get out of the room to the living room he would be behind me so fast to carry me back to the bed.

“I didn't know his name I just knew that I felt safe around him.”

He stared at me with those eyes and said nothing. After 3 days had passed I was aloud to walk around the house again. He was always there. His arms were strong and muscular. I wanted to know more about him, but I didn't know how to ask. Genkai was never around after the first five days. So he fed me.... Well I fed myself. There was just food on the counter. I slowly tried to test his limits asking him if he was hungry, dressing in nice clothes, talking to him and even singing. He never showed any interest. It was like he was just watching me, but he never moved from his spot and I had to test him I had to test his limits. I walked over to him slowly and carefully crawled into his lap. I kept my head down low to show that he had power just incase he didn't like what I was doing. He pulled me into him making my back touch his chest and my...

She stopped and looked at Kurama.

“Shime go on”

I felt everything his chest his body the heat from between his legs, I felt myself become wet.

She sighed “May be I should stop Kurama.”

“No I need to know why, you have feelings for him. All I hear now is that you had feelings for him right? Now all I hear is that he saved you, made sure you survived that's all no go on”

She nodded. Kurama was so understanding but she didn't know for how long.

We sat there for... I don't know how long. My second week he let me go out side. I was aloud to play in the snow under close observation, by him. Soon after that he started to sleep in my bed. He would pull me close I could never leave without him knowing. He would let his fangs rake against my skin. Especially on my neck. Two weeks later he started to let his hands wonder over my body, I didn't stop him because....in my eyes there was no reason to push him away. After that he started to answer my questions. I asked him his age. What he liked to do. Where was Genkai? That was a big one and he never answered that one. Why was he not with her? Why did he stay with me? Why was he staying with me? Because all truth told I could have walked out of there and back home in less than an hour. He only nodded, didn't answer or said Hn. He never bothered to learn my name. Shortly after that he started to call me ONNA.

Shime shook. She hated that term ONNA. It meant girl, women, that word referred to ownership, obeisance, master of all the meaning of onna the one she hated the most was Master and slave.

He called me onna; he would make me come to him. He would grab me out me over his shoulder and carry me. We fought strike that I fought and he won. When he went to bed I had to follow. He just had to look at me with those red eyes those crimson blood red ruby eyes. They told his emotion his feelings everything. The funny thing is even though I acted like I hated him, I couldn't stand him. I loved it I loved the fear I loved the pain. And through all of it he never touched me. He implied, but never did anything. He had all those chances all that time that power.

Satron started to feel herself get excited in Kuramas' arms. Kurama just looked down at her and kissed her hand.

“Tell me what happened”

The forth week that I was there with him I woke up when he woke, I sat in his lap or on the floor by his leg. I still did not know his name

Satron stopped again and swallowed, she just stared out the window. She felt Kurama hand rub her leg. She took a deep breath and sighed.

The last night that I remember with him was something else. I felt his breath on my neck. His hands rubbing my thigh. His warm tongue entered my mouth. He rubbed it over mine in a fight for control. I quickly lost... and gave into his scent. The next thing I knew he had me in my bed, his bed, our bed. He was so ruff and fears he knew what he wanted and how he wanted it done. He ripped my clothes off. I lay there naked and he fully clothed. His hands roamed my body freely. While he did things with his tongue I could never image. He through his cape to the side, letting me fill him from between my legs. He was ready and so was I. He untied his pants and slowly entered. I cried out in small huffs of pain. He enjoyed making me scream. I clawed my nails into his back as I came. His breath on my neck was great. He licked it. I felt his fangs pressed light to my neck. Small pools of blood flowed down my neck. He licked it. Light scratches on my neck and we slept side by side in that bed. That's when he whispered.

“My name is Hiei”

Satron quickly came out of her thoughts she had meant to stop. Not tell in detail what he did to her. She slowly turned her head to Kurama; he just looked at her squeezed her hand and said “continue”

The next morning I awoke. And he wasn't there. I thought it was a dream. But I was naked... something I would never do in the dead of winter and my neck hurt. I got dressed and looked for him. He wasn't in his spot he was no where to be found. I ran to my room and cried into the pillow he had used me and then left me how could he, how could I. But then I looked upon the table there was his necklace. The necklace that if I touched he would slap my hand away. I'd get those cursed eyes. It was there lying on the table. I took it as a sign that he had left it for me. That it was meant for me. So I put it on. I hid it in my shirt. I didn't know if he wanted others to see it or not. Later that day Genkai returned. To my surprise Keiko and her boyfriend Yusuke were there Kuwabara and you Kurama. But Hiei was no where to be found. Genkai asked where Hiei was but all I could tell her was that I don't know. Soon I started to stay around the temple more. It was a month and he still was gone. I walked around looking out the window for him. I sat in his spot. I didn't sleep and kept my eyes open for his ruby ones. There was still no sign. And I didn't know what to do. I decided to go and play in the snow again kind of hoping that I would get lost so he could find me and we would be together again. No matter how lost I got, in my mind or real life I was always left lost in my heart. It had been two months and he still wasn't back and everyone got to be happy but me. Everyone got to enjoy life but me. I walked into the kitchen and pulled a sharp knife. I walked to my room slowly. Thinking about what I was doing. I made it back to my room with no one seeing me. I opened the window in his spot. I let the cold wind blow over my skin numbing it. I swag my legs over the ledge. I looked at the Knife looking at my reflection in it. Wondering if I was to stab myself would it hurt was he worth killing me over. Did I have other guys besides him? All the answers that I thought of were no, no, no. So stood and I took the knife and pressed it to my skin the blood started it gush it was a pretty color. It didn't hurt as much as I thought. I leaned forward and I fell out the window. And fell and fell, but I was saved. I saw red the color red that terrified me and loved me. It felt so warm I was carried into the house and fixed up. I awoke in Genkai's temple again. In my bed.

“What did you do Shime?”

I looked away trying to forget.

“You would have died again if I wasn't for him.”

I looked up to the window sill hoping to see hiei. But sadly he was not. You walked over to me and kissed my hand

“I'm kurama”

I started to scream crying why- was he there. But you Kurama stayed by my side. Like Hiei. I was under your observation and not his. When Genkai said it was ok I was aloud to walk around the house. But you were there, every time I turned around you were there slowly I let go of Hiei I never spoke of him I never told you about him or anyone. I still wore his necklace hidden and I came closer to you we walked and you.

Kurama reached behind his ear and pulled out a small seed. It turned into a blue Rose. He pushed it behind her ear. She turned her head from the window.

“I think I should stop kurama”

“I know... you should continue”

“Why, why do you want to hear my heart brake?”

“So I can help you heal”

I started looking for you when I slept. My heart beat fast when you were gone. I loved your eyes. Your green eyes and that red hair, your voice sounded like music and your smile we started going out and everything was fine. You read poetry to me. I sang for you. We even sat and watched the snow fall. I was in heaven in till that day. We all got together; I sat in your lap in the window. And I saw it I saw him. Those red eyes I can never forget. He looked up right at me. I lost my breath. You asked me what the matter was. I couldn't tell you. You put me to bed early that night and left me alone. I left the window open, Regardless of the cold. I waited and waited he never came. I felt heart broken. I moped around all day twisting his necklace in my hand. Then I heard his voice.

“Onna”

My heart beat fast and I turned to him. He stood tall. With his red eyes staring onto my soul. I don't know what came over me I had to touch him. I had to make him take me. But I didn't jump to him I looked out the window and ignore him. He wasn't to pleased. He jumped on me. His hand holding mine above my head. His eyes searching mine. I didn't fear him but the passion in me grew. He kissed me my clothes were ripped off and he was on top of me. His hot body his breath. My legs wrapped around his waist. I scram. When I got a hold of my self it was…

Shime stopped and pulled her knees in close to her.

“I'm sorry Kurama I'll stop” She noticed that tears where forming in his eyes along with anger.

“He raped you. He ...”

Satron saw that Kurama was getting mad very quickly. She shook her head.

“No, I let him”

“But you fought back, you told him no”

“Kurama I'm not done”

“I don't need to know”

She whispered “Yes you do.”

I was enjoying his touch, but it didn't feel right his breath on my neck then I saw it. I saw your blue Rose. I started to scream and told him to get off. He sat on top of me. Angry that I stopped him. I felt him grow.

Tears fell from her eyes.

I climbed down from the window sill, picked up my torn shirt and started to walk off. He grabbed my arm.

“Onna”

I yelled at him don't call me that. He jumped off his spot and tackled me to the ground. My hands above my head and his hand in my bra, I gave up all hope. I closed my eyes and was ready for what ever happened. The weight of him was gone and so was his necklace. After that I avoided you and all people. But I could not hide for long because you came for me and pulled me out of my dark place. My hiding. I let you hold me, talk to me. But then again I found we had a gathering. We had to meet him ...everyone. I did not tell you. I put on my best face and pretended everything was ok. In truth it wasn't. I put on a good face at the reunion. We ate drank and stayed close to you with my blue rose. Close to my heart. He wasn't there and no one had seen him. I thought I could go the whole night with out seeing him. He walked over and sat in his spot. With her, that bandaged covered from head to toe Bitch. She sat next to him, and showed off the necklace of his. I couldn't stand it, I held on to you tighter. Then he said it in a tone I will never forget. He said her name Mukuro. I shuddered. She took pride in watching me. But then it came; she took the bandages from around her head. She flipped her red hair making her eye shine. The mark on her neck. I wanted to claw her eyes out. I wanted to hurt her him. After what he did to me he went off and marked her. I didn't know why it bothered me so. Everyone babied her so. Everyone just praised her; she was a beauty a goddess. Luckily it was over. Or so I thought you all let me go to bed early because of my early problems. I left and went to bed early trying to ignore and hide from all my problems. His eyes shining, in the dark, that red glow was ghostly. I hid under my covers and waited for him to go away.

Shime stopped she had her hands wrapped in Kurama's hair and her head buried in his chest.

“I can't Kurama I”

“Shime I'm here”

I felt his weight on the bed. He pulled the cover off my head. And sat on my chest. His blade pressed to my neck. I couldn't scream or move, I just saw a blinding light. My heart pounded. He just stared at me. He stood above me. The sword still pressed to my neck. His voice cold and loud like thunder.

“Pull the cover down, take your shirt off, take your shorts off, and undo your bra.”

I shed tears whimpering hoping he would just kill me and let me go. He sat back down on top of me. His hand sliding down my stomach and to the rim of my.

She stopped again Kurama hugged her tight to let her know he was there for her.

His fingers found his way in me. It felt bad. I just fought him off the week before. My legs got tight and my mouth dry. I couldn't scream-even though you were outside the door and down the hall. I just kept thinking about how he should go and be with Mukuro. I didn't need to be with him. My underwear was gone. He undid his pants. I felt him inside. I clawed at the sheets hoping he would leave soon. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't see and all I heard was him panting, his hot breath in my ear his sweat on my body. Him ramming into me and his sword stabbing me in the throat. I thought why didn't anyone come why didn't anyone know he wasn't there. Didn't Mukuro know? Overtime I just gave up hope. I let my body relax and waited for him to finish. Soon he pulled out, pulled up his pants. He enjoyed torturing me so. He licked his lips put his sword back looked at me with those red eyes of his: the blood thirst eyes that I used to love , that I used to want, that I used to need. But now I knew who he was and what he wanted. The sad thing was that I had to learn the hard way. He walked to the door and smiled.

“Thanks for the fuck ONNA.”

He slipped out the door and I cried all night into my pillow. I hid it I didn't tell anyone. I told myself it didn't happen even though I could smell him on my body. I could taste him in my month. I could see him in my dreams no not dreams nightmares when I was awake or sleep. I felt him watching me everyday, every moment after that. Even though I did not see him. I came to you, I needed you. I didn't talk much but you still did know something was wrong. I hid it all away in the back of my mind.”

“Then I married you. Let you mark me. We had two kids with interesting powers, and after that night I never saw him or her again. I still feel his eyes on me”

“Shime how could you not speak out. Tell me anything.”

“I don't know I just his it. I don't know.”

“He raped you twice, he tormented you...”

He dropped off. Sensing that there was something else.

“Is that it Shime.”

She shook her head.

“Shime tell me, so we can drop it.”

She looked back out the window.

“If it told you it would break your heart”

Kurama sighed and hugged her tighter.

“There is noting you can tell me to make my heat break anymore than it already is.”

Kurama knew what she was still hiding. He knew parts of the story but had no idea what Hiei had really done to her.

“Shime why did you marry me”

“Because you marked me.”

“Shime I asked did you want to be marked. Shime why'd you have kids with me.”

“Because you married me.”

“Shime my mate do you sleep with me because we have kids? Shime do you have feeling for me.”

Shime sighed

“Why did you come to me. Shi”

“Because I trusted you.”

“So why can't you be open to me.”

“It's not you; it's just that after Hiei got to me my heart became cold.”

“Did you ever love me?”

“Yes I did and I was happy. That's why I came to you. I knew you would protect me and you have.”

She still stared out the window.

“Look at me Shime”

She couldn't.

“What is it?”

“His watching me now, his always looking waiting for his chance.”

“Shime drop it. It's over I'm here now I'm here to protect you.”

“I can't I'm sorry:

“You held it in for twelve years, now you tell me this that you did love me that you were happy. Tell me this, are we going to drop this.”

She didn't say anything.

“I'll drop it. I do feel somewhat better.” She said in a lying tone.

“Shime what are you hiding.”

“Nothing”

“Shime I've been with you for twelve years. I should know your emotions by now.”

She sighed and untwisted her hands from his hair.

“I'm sorry I opened old wounds, but you have to let go you have to.”

“I know I know and I have “

“We won't go to the party.”

“Thank you my mate.”

Some months pass and Shime and Kurama have not spoken more than a few words. Kurama held Shime in the window sill every night after that. Kurama had been fed up and couldn't take it.

“Shime”

“Yes”

“Tell me what you're hiding”

“Hiding, what am I hiding?”

“Shime even though you told me the truth there is something you left out.”

Shime walked around him and hid in her window sill.

“Shime, what are you not telling me.”

“You said we where going to drop it”

“Not if it's eating at you like this.”

She rolled her eyes

“I love you Shime.”

“Stop using my name every time you talk to me”

“Shime what is it. I love you”

“If I tell you I'm afraid of what you might do.”

“I'm listening”

He walked over to her and placed her in his lap.

“Do you remember when I left for those eight months the party when we all saw Mukuro?”

“Yes you told me you had to...”

“Forget what I told you” She let her eyes drop down “I left because I was...Pregnant.” she said in a hushed whisper.

“Pregnant... Shime you”

“I'm sorry I” She started to cry

I was pregnant I went into hiding in till I had him he was beautiful. Short black hair and those fire red eyes. But he reminded me about him so much. I couldn't take it. He had to know. Even if Mukuro disapproved. Even if the Demon law was upheld with the baby.

“The demon law.” Kurama whispered

I didn't know how to find him so...I let him find me. I went into the forest that I first met him. I allowed myself to get lost, with the baby. Hiei found me and saw the baby. He knew it was his. We just stared. He leaned against the tree. I placed his baby in the middle and backed away. I got on my knees and bowed my head waiting for him to do it. I heard him walk to his baby. I heard him take out his sword.

Satron squeezed Kuramas hand.

His baby started to cry. I heard his sword ring out, a thug and his baby silenced. I cried but knew the law was up held. He told me.

“Stand ONNA”

I wiped my eyes. His baby was still there. He stood in front of me the blade of his sword pressed to my stomach. His mate Mukuro behind him. She looked at him his baby.

“A half breed, no power, worthless.”

She put her foot on his baby ever so gently applying more and more pressure.

“Mukuro, the demon law will be up held, but -it will not happen by the hands of a demon.”

She lifted her foot and they vanished His son still living.

“Shime what did you do”

I took his son to the river to be washed I was going to bring him to you and tell you what had happened. As I bathed his son I zoned out ignoring all around me the only thing was Hiei's Last words to me 'the demon law will be up held but it will not happen by the hands of a demon.' His baby was crying his head bobbing up and down in the water. His Baby was suffering and I didn't know it. All that I had given Hiei my heart, mind, soul, body, and he gave me nothing but pain and suffering. And his child. I came out of it his baby limp in my arms. He wasn't warm and there was no color. I took the only thing he had ever giving me away. His word came true not at the hands of a demon but the hands of me. I let the baby go down river singing let me know...or...let me go...let me go so I can know. I knew something would happen to his baby. That's why I didn't name him. His son was three months old. I walked back to you. I came back and hid everything from you.

“Shime”

“I swear kurama that's it, I'm sorry kurama”

“Shime I have a question. Do you trust me?”

“Yes”

“Do you have respect for me “

“Yes”

“Kurama are you leaving me.”

“Not if you answer my question.”

“What is it my mate”

“I love you Shime but if you can't be truthful with me I don't know where we stand.”

“What does that means Kurama?”

“If you love me let me know, if you don't let me go.”

She said nothing and just stared out the window. He got up form the window sill put his Jacket on, kissed his kids good-bye and walked out. Kurama didn't look back. Shime sat in her window sill and watched him walk away.

“Kurama my mate I don't love you anymore so I have to let you go.”

Satron was eighty-three and still sat in their spot. The window sill.

“My kids are grown and gone. Hiei Hasn't watched me since Kurama Left. And my love has never come back. “

He never came back and his last words rang in her head every night and everyday for the rest of her life.

If you love me let me know

If you don't let me go....

Hope you liked the end.Nomore sorry but you know that's what happenswhen you hide secretsform the peopleyou love. Bad things happen well in tillmenextfic which will be soon

I ifyou love it let me know

If you don'tlet it go(still review)

Oh and sending air hugs to all the people if any besides my friend Kurama gurl needs them