Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Memory Prime ❯ Memory Prime: Chapter Eight ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight
Kurama sighed and shoved his textbook away from him, opting instead to look out his kitchen window. There was no way he could concentrate on work--not when he was this worried. Speaking of worry . . . He vaguely wondered when Hiei was going to come for his nightly visit, then sighed again. It had been over a month since the Kadyou incident, and Hiei was not doing well.

The fire demon had not uttered a word since the incident, remaining silent at all times--no "hn," and not a sound during battle. Kurama winced. Battle . . . They had been forced to go on several missions since they'd returned, and Hiei had silently accompanied them on all but one of them. They had wanted to leave their emotionally-bleeding comrade in the Ningenkai, perhaps in Yukina's care, but they couldn't bring themselves to tell Hiei--the one time they had left him behind, he had stared at them with a betrayed look in his eyes when they had returned. They hadn't left him behind since. If we leave him behind again, he'll feel useless . . . That could make things worse . . . Kurama sighed again. His eyes were exactly what had been bothering them. During battle, Hiei's face and eyes had emptied of everything, and he looked like a marionette, fighting with a disturbing mechanical grace. He had slain any of the demons that had attacked him, even those Koenma had wanted alive. It had also taken him several hours to come out of his robotic stupor after the battle, during which time they had all been careful not to get too close to him for fear of provoking an automatic defensive response.

When not in battle, Hiei's eyes were not masked, as they had been before. Instead, they were dark and filled with an inner, muted agony that tore at Kurama's soul. The fire demon refused to go near anyone, for the most part, opting to stay as far away from the group as possible, never letting anyone, not even Yukina, touch him. However, Yuusuke and Kuwabara had both been visited by him several times, to their surprise, and Hiei came to Kurama's apartment every night, staying anywhere from ten minutes to several hours, always silent--listening if talked to, but never responding. Not only that, but Kurama had felt the little youkai following him on several occasions, and Yuusuke and Kuwabara had reported similarly. He's afraid to be alone, yet uncomfortable near us . . .

That wasn't the only thing that was bothering Kurama. The fire demon also looked as though he wasn't sleeping much, and he had dark circles under his sunken eyes to show for it. In addition, Hiei wasn't eating much, if his recent, drastic weight loss was any indication. He looked fragile and ill, as one on the verge of collapse. If only I had killed Kadyou before . . . or protected Hiei better . . . But there was no way for Kurama to go back and change what had happened. He could only try to make things better, though he had no idea how to go about doing it.

Kurama stretched, glancing at the clock. Hiei could show up in two minutes or two hours, depending on his whim. The fox rose and strode to the refrigerator, deciding to cook dinner while he waited--enough for two. His mission for tonight was to try to get Hiei to eat something--anything would do. The only question left was would he succeed or fail? Kurama led his mind from that query. I refuse to fail. I don't care if he eats just one bite, as long as he eats something.

Kurama had just strained the spaghetti noodles when he felt Hiei's presence behind him. "Konban wa, Hiei. I'll be finished in a moment. Go ahead and take a seat at the table." He smiled slightly as he heard the distinct sound of a chair sliding across linoleum, then poured the noodles into a bowl and added the sauce, mixing it until the noodles were completely covered. He turned and set the bowl on the table, smiling at Hiei. The fire demon didn't react, not even looking at him. Kurama turned back to the cabinet, pulling out two plates, two glasses, and two sets of silverware. He set Hiei's place, then his own, directly across from the motionless fire demon.

Hiei's eyes had a faraway look to them, and Kurama sighed inwardly, the kind smile frozen to his face, though he knew Hiei could probably see right through it to the worry beneath if he cared. The fox served his friend, placing a small mound of spaghetti on the fire demon's plate. That seemed to bring the fire demon to himself, and he stared up at Kurama for a brief moment before an unrecognizable look passed through his eyes and he averted them, not looking at the plate or Kurama. The redhead served himself and began eating, aware that he was being somewhat cruel by tantalizing his friend. But the food was there for the taking, being offered freely. If Hiei chose not to take it, Kurama would merely have to find another tactic. "Why don't you try some, Hiei?"

Hiei looked up and stared at him for a few seconds, a strange painful look in his eyes, then looked away again, his eyes never straying to the plate in front of him as if he were afraid of the temptation. Kurama set his fork down on the plate with an unintentional clatter, watching as Hiei flinched and looked up at him in surprise. "Hiei, please eat something. I'm worried about you. Just one bite?"

Hiei's piercing red eyes locked with Kurama's for nearly thirty seconds, his gaze searching. Finally, the fire demon turned his stare to the quickly-cooling plate of spaghetti, scrutinizing it for several seconds before slowly reaching forward and picking up his fork. Kurama watched as the fire demon rotated the fork, capturing the sauce-covered noodles around the utensil. Kurama frowned slightly as Hiei looked at the fork for nearly a full minute, his hand shaking very slightly. The boy finally moved, placing the fork in his mouth, then removing it, free of the spaghetti. The fire demon paused, looking for a moment as if he were fighting the urge to spit the food out, then chewed slowly and swallowed, putting the fork down carefully as he did so. Hiei didn't look up, but Kurama could see his closed-off, somewhat pained expression.

The youko immediately disregarded dinner. Hiei's well-being was much more important than either the food or the dishes. Kurama rose and walked around the table, kneeling beside Hiei, who didn't seem to realize he was there. "Hiei . . ." The fire demon flinched and looked up at him, surprised by his proximity. "Hiei, please talk to me. I know you're hurting, and I want to help you, if you'll let me." The fire demon looked away from him, refusing to answer and betraying nothing of his thoughts with his facial expression. Kurama sighed and sat on his knees. "It's my fault. If I'd only stopped them from taking you, or killed Kadyou before . . . none of this would have happened to you, and you'd be okay."

Hiei looked up at him, but Kurama refused to meet his eyes, knowing he would only see the look of melancholy forgiveness that would make him feel worse. Even thinking about the look hurt. His inaction and lack of attentiveness had cost Hiei a lot, and it didn't seem like his friend was ever going to recover. "No." Kurama's head snapped up, his eyes filled with surprise. Hiei repeated the word, and the youko was filled with sudden relief. Hiei had spoken. Perhaps he would recover after all. He waited for more words to follow, but it was in vain.

Maybe if I talk . . . "I know it's hard for you, Hiei, but please remember that I'm here for you. I'll be here for you until I die because I'm your friend." The fire demon watched him silently, his eyes containing a strange emotion that Kurama failed to place before it was gone, hidden in the darkness that shadowed the crimson. "If you're hungry, I'll cook for you. If you're tired and need a place to stay, I have this entire apartment, and you can stay here when you want to. I want you to, because healing your spirit is the most important thing to me right now. Do you understand?"

Hiei looked away and nodded slowly, but Kurama could tell that he didn't quite understand. He will, given time. All that's important right now is him knowing that he can count on me for anything. "You look tired. Would you like to stay here tonight?"

Hiei's face registered surprise as he looked up at the redhead. The look quickly changed back to the one Kurama had been unable to place before. It disappeared, but not before the fox realized what it was. Gratitude. The youko smiled. "Alright, then. You can take the bed, and I'll set up an air mattress for myself." He smiled inwardly as Hiei's eyes widened at that statement. "You are my guest, after all. It's proper etiquette to give the guest the bed. Besides . . . You look like you haven't been sleeping well, and the bed might help you."

The fire demon flushed slightly, evidently not having realized that anyone had noticed his lack of sleep. Kurama continued. "And you've lost a lot of weight . . . I'm worried about you, Hiei, and so are the others . . ." The fox flinched as his friend fixed him with a stare filled with guilt and regret. He's blaming himself for worrying us . . .? That was just like Hiei--to blame himself for everything. Kurama resisted the urge to hug Hiei, knowing that the fire demon was shy of physical contact after what had happened. "Don't blame yourself, Hiei. It's not your fault." The youkai shifted in the chair, bringing his knees to his chest and resting the side of his face on them. Kurama winced at his friend's body language. Hiei was in need of comfort, but he was closing himself off. Slower . . . I'm going to have to take this slower . . . But as long as he could help Hiei, the time spent helping him was negligible.

Kurama stood and pulled Hiei's chair from the table slightly. "Come on. Let's get you to bed. You're exhausted." Hiei stared at him for a moment, then rose and followed him to the bedroom. He watched as the youko searched through his drawers for something, blinking as he was handed a few articles of clothing--the same clothing he had worn to sleep when he had lost his memory. Kurama frowned slightly as Hiei fingered the cloth, evidently remembering. "I'll leave the room while you change, Hiei. This way I can wash your clothes for you, okay?" Hiei evidently realized that the statement required some sort of answer, so he nodded, somewhat flabbergasted. Kurama smiled at him, then left the room, closing the door behind him and heading toward the hall closet to get a few extra blankets down for himself.

He had just gotten them down when the bedroom door opened. "That was fast. But that's normal for you." He smiled at his friend, then handed him the blankets, taking his clothing as he did so. "Put those on the bed while I get the air mattress out for myself." The redhead removed it from the top shelf, then followed Hiei into the bedroom. Hiei perched on the edge of the bed, watching with dark curiosity as Kurama spread the deflated mattress out and hooked up the pump. The fox smiled slightly as Hiei jumped when he turned the air pump on. The mattress was quickly filled and capped, and Kurama spread the sheets and blankets Hiei had carried over it. He took his extra pillow from the bed and placed it on the mattress, then grinned. "There we go."

The youko turned to Hiei, still smiling. "Go ahead and get in bed, Hiei. I'm going to stay up a bit longer and run your clothes through the wash." He watched as the fire demon scooted to the headboard, then moved forward and tucked the his friend in properly, wincing inwardly as Hiei flinched at his proximity. "Good night, Hiei." He grabbed his friend's clothing from the floor and left the room, turning off the light and closing the door as he did so.

Then he deflated, sighing. Hiei was staying the night, at least, and he would hopefully sleep well. Inari, I wish none of this had happened. I wish Hiei were okay. He headed down the hall, running a shaky hand through his hair. He couldn't change the past--no one could. All he could do was deal with the repercussions. A saying popped into his head suddenly, which he quickly attributed to Herman Melville. The Past is dead, and has no resurrection; but the Future is endowed with such a life, that it lives to us even in anticipation . . . In the Past is no hope; The Future is both hope and fruition. It was true. What had happened, had happened. All he could do was try to help Hiei put the past behind him. He's strong . . . He survived the heartbreak of being thrown away at birth, and he can survive this--especially with the help of a friend. His worried appeased for the moment, the redhead headed off to wash Hiei's clothing and clean up the mess from dinner.

Kurama opened his eyes to darkness and sat up, wondering what had woken him. He sat still for a while, listening to his own breathing and that of Hiei. Then he frowned. Hiei's breathing sounded erratic. The redhead rose and glanced at the bed, where his friend was sleeping fitfully. A nightmare . . .? The fire demon let out a strange noise--a strangled whimper--and Kurama hurried to his side. "Hiei . . . Hiei, wake up!" The words were not enough and the fox reluctantly shook Hiei, not wanting to touch him for fear of terrifying him further. The youkai cried out softly, sitting up rapidly, missing breaking Kurama's nose only because the redhead drew back. "Hiei . . ." The fire demon turned frightened, panic-filled eyes on him, and the fox flinched. "It was a nightmare, Hiei."

Hiei stared at him for a moment, his breathing harsh and ragged, before looking away, his face flushing with shame. Kurama frowned. "Hiei . . ." He sighed. This was going to get him nowhere. "Come on. Get up." Kurama headed toward the door, turning as he reached it to see Hiei still sitting there, looking at his hands. "Come on, Hiei." The fire demon looked up and slid off the bed, padding after the fox. Kurama led his friend to the kitchen and put a pan on the stove, filling it with enough milk for two and turning the burner on. He got out sugar and cocoa and slowly prepared hot cocoa, watching Hiei with no small amount of concern. Even being comfortable did nothing to alleviate the nightmares . . . The fire demon was seated at the table, his legs drawn to his chest and his crimson eyes staring ahead, the pain in their recesses slightly drawn out.

When the cocoa was finally finished, Kurama drained the pan into two cups, bringing them both to the table and seating himself next to Hiei. The fire demon snapped to awareness as Kurama set the cup of cocoa down in front of him, and he picked it up and sipped at it. Kurama watched with concern as the fire demon set the cup down and swallowed with a bit of difficulty, as if there were some sort of obstruction in his throat. "Hiei . . .?"

His eyes widened as Hiei hid his face in his knees, shaking silently. The fox set down his mug and moved from his chair, kneeling in front of Hiei. "Hiei . . ." He blinked as the shaking became more violent, then threw away his hesitation. He needs someone . . . to hold him . . . to tell him everything is going to be okay . . . The redhead wrapped his arms around the shuddering Forbidden Child, gathering him against his chest and frowning when Hiei didn't bother struggling. He frowned as something hit the floor, and he glanced at it and gasped. A tear gem . . . He's crying . . .? He hugged his friend tightly, allowing him to bury his face in his pajama shirt, murmuring soothingly at him as he rocked back and forth with Hiei in his arms.

He's letting it out . . .? It was unexpected. Hiei was much more likely to hold his emotions in. He continued to hold Hiei gently, petting his hair and making the soothing shushing noises his mother had made when he was a child and upset. After an unknown amount of time, Hiei's shaking subsided, and he lay against Kurama, his breathing catching and hiccupy. "Hiei . . ."

"I want them to go away . . ." Kurama's eyes widened at the hoarse whisper. "They won't let me sleep . . ." The fire demon looked up at Kurama, his eyes bloodshot and desperate. "I can't . . . I can't deal with them anymore, Kurama. I want them to go away . . ." There was a frightening hysterical quality to Hiei's deep voice. "I feel so weak . . . I don't know what to do . . . I tried drinking. It didn't help--it only made them worse . . . I tried taking a sleeping potion, but the they came anyway . . . I-I even tried knocking myself out . . ." The fire demon was talking very fast, his voice rising in pitch slightly with every word, his eyes far away and panicked.

Nightmares . . . "Hiei . . ." The youkai blinked, sense returning to the crimson. "I can give you something that will let you sleep, but take away the dreams." He winced as Hiei's eyes turned hungry and hopeful. "But you have to take it with food." Hiei nodded, the hopeful look a spark in the darkness--a spark that, if fostered, could turn into a flame to drive the darkness away. Kurama smiled kindly at his friend and stood, gently depositing him back into the chair. "What would you like."

"Don't care. Something fast." Hiei's voice reflected his desire. He was desperate for sleep--the lack of it was driving him further into the darkness. And, from the look of it, the fire demon was terrified of that darkness.

I don't blame him . . . That darkness leads to madness . . . Kurama pulled out the makings for a sandwich and quickly slapped a couple of them together, putting them on a plate and pouring a glass of milk for his friend. "Go ahead and eat. I'm going to go get it." He left the room and padded quickly to a bureau, opening a drawer and riffling through it until he found the seed he was looking for. He headed back for the kitchen to see that Hiei had already finished the sandwiches, and was waiting for him, the desperate look in his eyes added to by a new hunger. He hasn't been eating well either . . . But that can wait for morning. Kurama remembered. He sat across from Hiei and showed him the seed. "I'm going to grow this, and you're going to eat one leaf--chew it well. Then I will revert it back to a seed. I don't want you to try to use this without me around. It's extremely dangerous if the wrong dosage is taken." Hiei's gaze was piercing as Kurama coaxed the seed to grow into a small plant and plucked a leaf, handing it to the fire demon, who stuffed it in his mouth and began chewing with a desperate fervor. The fox watched, reverting the plant into a seed.

He smiled as Hiei swallowed and made a face. "Water?" His friend nodded, and Kurama retrieved a glass of the liquid for him, which the fire demon practically inhaled. "Good." He rose and walked around the table. "Come on." He led Hiei back to the room and tucked him in. He was turning to go to the air mattress when the youkai grabbed his arm. Kurama glanced at him with a frown, his eyes widening as he saw the fear in Hiei's eyes, mingled with trust. Afraid that the dreams will come, and trust in . . . me . . .? "Hiei . . .?"

The fire demon swallowed hard. "Kurama . . . I . . . I'm scared . . ." His crimson eyes shone slightly in the moonlight streaming from the window. "Could . . . could you . . ."

"Sleep with you . . .?" Kurama finished. Hiei nodded, and the youko smiled at him tenderly, as if he were a parent. "Of course, Hiei. Whatever you need." The redhead slipped under the covers and lay down, blinking in surprise as his friend curled close to him, obviously feeling the need for contact for some reason. He shifted positions so he was holding Hiei, cradling the fire demon to his chest and listening as the boy's breathing became soft and even with sleep. He needs me right now . . . to be a parent to him. I can live with that. Whatever he needs, whatever makes him happy, makes me happy too . . . "Goodnight, Hiei . . ." he whispered, running a gentle hand through spikey black tresses. Then he let sleep claim him, and fell into the world of dreams.

I said I wasn't going to finish this fic. I actually decided to give it up. Let's just say the muses had different plans. -.-;; So you all have this chapter. And I know where I'm going with it. Chances are, the last chapter will be a lemon, meaning it will not be posted here, but linked to. I could be evil and end the fic here, but I won't. There will be at least one more chapter, if not two. See, I got a fic idea a loooong time ago that I wasn't going to carry out because I didn't want to start any more projects. Turns out, I can finish this fic with that idea, so I'm happy and the muses are . . . well . . . satisfied for the moment is the most accurate term.

Therefore, this fic will be finished as well . . . as soon as I get around to writing it. This chapter took over a week to write because I've been so busy with college and work. But I am working on fanfiction, so don't worry--it will get out as I can get it out. I hope to use some of Thanksgiving break--what I can spare away from relatives--writing, and most of Christmas break will be devoted to it too (though I want to catch up on reading then too). So I haven't abandoned you guys. Just don't have much time to write anymore.

I should actually be in bed right now. -.-;; Ah, well. I hope you guys like it.

And kokodragon~ To my knowledge, Hiei never eats or drinks anything but coffee throughout the series. The "sweet snow" deal was entirely fanmade, and I don't know exactly where it originated. I've read so many fics with that in it that I thought it was canon at first, but it's not. Honestly, I think it's somewhat out of character, but I use it anyway. Yukina would be much more likely to call it sweet snow. Hiei would probably be anal about it and call it by its proper name. But I use it as a sort of tradition, which I'm unwilling to let go of yet.