Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Men Are from MArs, Women Are From the Glacier ❯ Men Are from Mars.... ( One-Shot )
Men are From Mars, Women are from the Glacier
A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by SirPsychoSexy
A/N: Just some random weirdness on my part. Beware of ecchi jokes, philosophies that may clash with your way of thinking, and some yaoi and yuri references.
Oh, and for those who don't know, June (pronounced "joo-nay") is a boys'-love manga magazine that's very popular in Japan.
Thanks for your continued support and toleration. -S.P.S.
****
Ba-dum.
Ba-dum.
Kuwabara Kazuma's heart pounded loud in his ears, blood buzzing about his head, as he knelt down before his beloved ice-maiden Yukina, his hand in his jeans pocket ready to pull out a rather expensive engagement ring for her. One that shone magnificent in the light like her eyes, and was as clear and as pure as one of her tear gems.
Yukina, in turn, was looking down and smiling, completely clueless as to why Kazuma was on one knee like this, but happy in his company, nonetheless.
"My…beloved…Yukina-chan…" Kuwabara choked out, his voice sounding more forced and hoarse than usual as he pulled out the ring, "Will…you…marry me?"
"Aa, kirê na no! (Oh, it's pretty!)" exclaimed Yukina, her face clearly shifting from happiness into slight bewilderment. "Now…why are you giving me it, Kazuma-san? What's 'marry'?"
Oh brother, thought the carrot-topped young man, struggling with all of his brain-power to explain the human concept of "marriage" to the most innocent creature (or so Kuwabara thought) in the three realms. "It means…It's a human thing. It's where a man and a woman promise to live together for the rest of their life." With that, he grinned sheepishly.
"The rest of their life? And what do they do? And why is it a man and a woman? What's the difference between the two?" The ice-maiden smiled.
Shit, she must be kidding! She doesn't know? Kuwabara gulped. Then he reminded himself that Kôrime were all female…
"Umm…uhhh…they have children together! And for that to happen…" He remembered some of the "juicy" stuff from the health classes he hadn't skipped out of with Urameshi, but held back when he saw his Yukina-chan's innocent, charming smile.
"Kazuma-san, I know there's a difference, and I have to know what it is. I know you're a boy, and…umm…" She started to blush furiously.
"What, my sweet?"
"I love you and all, but it doesn't make sense! I should be with another girl! So I have to find out the difference!"
Kuwabara gulped HARD and glanced upward in shock for a bit, his mind at work on a solution to the problem getting in the way of his "happily-ever-after". "Why don't you ask Kurama? He's good at these sort of things." He took out a pad of paper and a pen and gave directions to Kurama's apartment, which Yukina dutifully followed.
"Arigatô, Kazuma-san!" she cheered as she walked out the door.
***
"Come on, Hiei. Do it for me. You won't regret it…" Kurama held the cylindrical object in front of Hiei's face.
"I told you, it tastes bad! I'm not doing it!" The fire demon scowled.
"Aw, come on. People do this all the time." Kurama grinned with one of those commanding "looks" in his eyes, one that almost turned his green irises to their yôko-form gold. "Now suck on it before I make you do it."
Hiei just glared at him, looking as if he were to draw his katana on Kurama's throat in any given instant.
"Hn. The stupid humans who came up with the idea of yogurt-in-a-squeeze-tube should be put out of their misery." Hiei's eyes narrowed.
"Ano…hai." Kurama sweatdropped.
Then they heard the doorbell of Kurama's apartment ring.
"Wait here, Hiei, I'll get it. Enjoy your yogurt!"
"Hn. Stupid fox," muttered Hiei under his breath as Kurama hastily rounded the corner towards the door.
"Ah, Yukina. A surprise to see you here." Kurama grinned as the Kôrime made her way into the apartment. "Please, sit down."
"Ano…Kurama-san?"
"Yes?"
"I have a question to ask you…" Yukina blushed and looked down at the floor in absolute embarrassment.
"Come on, now. It can't be that bad." Kurama smiled reassuringly. "Go ahead."
"Ummm…what's the difference between boys and girls? I want to know because Kazuma-san asked me to marry him and I said yes, and I'm really confused…about…the boy thing." Her eyes dropped downwards, staring at the carpet, looking as if she were not only trying to avoid the subject, but escape it all together.
Kurama blushed. The only difference he could think of, in all honesty, was where a very lecherous male (such as himself) puts a certain part of his anatomy…otherwise they were all the same…or so he remembered from his days in Makai. That, and the fact that he himself, as Shûichi, got mistaken for a girl quite often…
After a while of deep thought, the best Kurama could come up with that both represented his opinions and wouldn't startle the seemingly innocent ice maiden was, "There's a difference?"
A long silence forced itself on the living room.
"Maybe I should ask Hiei-san…he's somewhere around here, right?"
Kurama thought of Hiei's situation and said, "No, no, you really wouldn't want to ask Hiei-san. Really, you shouldn't ask him."
"Why not?" Yukina appeared worried.
"Ano…he'd get violently angry if you did. Now, maybe you could ask Keiko and Yûsuke. They'd know!" An awkward grin plastered Kurama's face as he wrote down the directions to the Yukimura noodle house and gave them to Yukina.
"Ja matta! I hope you find the directions to the noodle house okay!"
"I will!" Yukina waved as she left.
A booming, angry voice came from the bedroom.
"Oi, fox, was that my sister?"
"Hai."
"What did she want?"
"She wanted to know the difference between males and females."
"What for? Does she plan to mate with the Fool?" Hiei spat.
"…As a matter of fact, yes."
"DAMMIT! I'll kill him!" Hiei rose to his feet and clenched his fists, eager for a fight with the carrot-topped idiot.
"Hiei…don't! Don't you want her to be happy?" Kurama stretched his arms out towards hie in a mock attempt to stop him.
"Hn." Hiei sulked and turned his back towards Kurama.
"And she wanted to ask you what the difference was. What would you have told her, out of curiosity?"
"I don't want to talk about it," said Hiei, obviously meaning (to Kurama at least) "Males are left on the sides of cliffs to die and get royally fucked over by society" in Hiei-ese.
Kurama sat and sulked.
----
Yukina was trying her very hardest to follow the directions Kurama gave her, but…his handwriting was scribbly at best, since he had written in haste. As the Kôrime squinted and tried to make out a very unusually written kanji, another blue-haired girl passed overhead on an oar.
"Hey Yukina!" Botan waved down to Yukina, as cheery as ever.
"Nan desu ka?" questioned Yukina, her head looking up at Botan.
"I was just going about some business, you know, bringing in souls for judgement and whatnot, and I see you here. You look awfully confused." The ferry girl brought her purple eyes downwards and her right hand upwards in a pensive gesture.
"Ummm…yeah…" Yukina blushed. "I'm going to see Yûsuke and Keiko about something, and Kurama gave me directions. I can't read his handwriting though…"
"Well, you could always ask me," Botan smiled. "I do have the 'inside scoop' on a lot of things, you know…" With that she winked.
"Umm…okay." Yukina smiled. "What's the difference between boys and girls? I need to know since Kazuma-san asked me to marry him, and I don't know…why…I should like a boy…it makes no sense…" The Kôrime began chewing on her knuckles.
"Well," said Botan, her brain clearly beginning to go into Hentai Mode, "Girls have…some parts…and boys…have…other parts. And…"
"I think I know that," blushed Yukina.
"Gomen!" beamed Botan. "But sometimes, you can't tell the difference with their clothes on. Some girls look like boys, and some boys are extraordinarily pretty like girls…" The ferry girl sighed longingly as her brain started to go further into the Hentai Zone…
She imagined it, after a long days' work gathering souls and guiding them across the Sanzu… Koenma-sama, the pretty boy she had in mind when she had made her last comment, was busy stamping paperwork, for some reason in his handsome teenaged form. She would surprise him by ripping off her customary pink kimono to reveal a tiger-striped bikini underneath, complete with matching knee-high boots.
"Oh Darling… come and catch me!" she'd coo seductively as she got Koenma to start chasing her.
Koenma would get up and scurry after her, not minding one iota that her outfit was terribly skimpy and improper for office decorum…
"Oho, so we're impersonating an oni, are we?" he'd ask with a certain gleam in his eye. "That would offend George terribly, and should get you a spanking…"
Botan would blush and mock-protest… "But Koenma-sama…"
"You need a spanking, Botan. End of story." Then he would wink and resume chasing Botan around his desk…
"Oh Darling! Catch me and spank me!" she'd giggle. "But only on one condition…"
"What?"
"I've heard that Yûsuke and Kurama have been naughty too. Could you spank them both, bare-bottom, for me? They've been really naughty…" the ferry-girl would coo seductively.
"Usually I'd ask you to do it," said Koenma assertively, "but since I know you've been reading too many issues of June to help yourself…I will…" And then he smirked in such a cute little manner that would send Botan flying and landing right in his lap…
"Ano…Botan-san…?" queried Yukina, looking upwards at the blushing, squirming-like-she-was-thinking-of-something-she-wasn't-supposed-to girl on the oar.
Botan was startled, so much that she nearly lost her balance. "OH! Yukina! Yes…Boys and girls…where was I…" When she started to think of Koenma-sama again, she clenched her fists in front of her face, blushed, and started humming to herself, off in her own perverted little mind.
"Ah, Botan-san, I guess you're busy. Sayônara!" Yukina waved and started towards the Yukimura noodle house as best she could, following Kurama's hastily scribbled directions.
*****
"Oi, Yûsuke-kun!" yelled an irate Keiko. "We've got some orders to fill here, and here you sit, looking at 'tô-san's Sukebe collection, you perv!"
"Honest, Keiko, I'm readin' the articles…" Yûsuke grinned wide, checking out the "article" spread out across page 54 and 55. Boy, was she hot…nice tits, nice round ass…boy, he'd like to at least pinch them…
His eyes widened in the telltale manner of an ecchi fellow getting aroused. Keiko wasn't fooled by his "just reading the articles" claim.
"Yûsuke-kun! I can tell you're not reading the articles!" Keiko accented her complaint with a hard slap across the boy's face.
Then, a knock at the door.
"I'll get it," said Yûsuke wearily. It was times like this that the Rêkai Tantê wished he had nabbed Botan or Kurama instead of his childhood friend…
Hell, Kurama would just want to sit around and watch dirty movies on the weekends with him, that lusty fox, and then they'd go up to his room and…
Wait a minute here…! thought Yûsuke. I like CHICKS! Why am I thinkin' of him?
His train of thought was stopped by his hand reaching out for the door and giving the knob a turn.
"Hi Yukina! I thought you were stayin' with Kuwabara this weekend!" Yûsuke grinned wearily, fakely, putting his hand behind his head.
"I was." Yukina's voice was quiet…oddly quiet. And she didn't bother to look up at Yûsuke.
Keiko advanced towards the door. "So, what's the problem, Yukina-san?"
"Well…" Her voice resumed its usual bouncy quality. "Kazuma-san asked me to marry him, and I'm not sure of the exact difference between boys and girls, and I've asked everybody else…so…I'm here."
"Well," said Keiko matter-of-factly, "boys like to sit around and read magazines with really bad pictures of naked women in them…"
"KEIKO!" Yûsuke interrupted. "I told ya, I was readin' the fuckin' articles! Why don't'cha trust me?"
Keiko ignored him and went on. "And boys like to fight for senseless reasons, even if it means endangering the lives of innocents…Oi, Yûsuke-kun, you know how worried I was about poor Puu-chan when you went off at the tournament! You didn't even CARE about him! How sick he was! And you could've died again, and you didn't even care about ME, leaving ME behind like that if you DID die, you ungrateful bastard!" Keiko began crying.
Yukina watched in horror at the scene before her. A girl, crying, by some force of a boy doing nothing.
The ice-maiden fled back to the Kuwabara residence.
Meanwhile, Yûsuke was still wondering what life would have been like had he nabbed Kurama instead of Keiko…
Pancake breakfasts…inari-zushi lunches…really hot sex that would make him cancel his subscriptions to girlie mags…some respect…
Dammit, I like CHICKS! Yûsuke mentally pinched himself as he went to assist the wailing Keiko…
But she would not listen to the "I love you"'s and the "it's going to be okay, honey"'s. She just slapped him into the corner and ran off to the customer's area.
Maybe he should find Kurama…
----
Shizuru was laying on the couch, reading a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, her hand in her bangs, cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. She was trying to figure out her brother's behavior as of late, why he liked Yukina so much and basically wanted to own her, or so thought Shizuru.
Suddenly, a knock at the door.
"Oi, come in. Kazu? You done getting me another carton of cigs?"
"Iie, Yukina desu." (No, it's Yukina.)
"Oh, come in, then. Wasn't expecting you back." Yukina politely shut the door, smiling sadly and sweetly, catching Shizuru's attention for a second, and then she went back to her book.
"Shizuru-san, what are you reading?"
"Oh, it's about the differences between men and women. I need it to understand my brother, 'cause I don't know a goddamned thing he's thinking since he fell for you. It's like he has a one-track mind."
"Oh? So you have answers for me then?"
"What do ya mean?"
"You know Kazuma-san proposed to me…?"
"Yeah. He was awfully boisterous downstairs. Crazy about you." Shizuru took another drag off of her cigarette.
"Well…I don't know the difference between boys and girls…and…I've been asking everyone, and no one agrees with anybody else. I'm supposed to fall in love with a girl…and…I'm confused…" Yukina started to cry, hiruseki slowly forming on her cheeks.
She's so cute when she cries…thought Shizuru. Screw the book, Kazu can find out for himself why she doesn't quite get that he's in love with her, or why!
"Don't worry," Shizuru said as she hugged the kôrime tightly. "You're pretty…if Kazu doesn't get why you're confused, there's always other people."
"Thank you very much for the compliment, Shizuru-san."
A slight pause…Shizuru knew what the ice-maiden needed. She proceeded to kiss her on the lips…
They spent about five minutes like that, both enjoying it very much…until…
"Oi, 'nê-chan, I'm ho- HOLY SHIT!" Kuwabara Kazuma jumped out of his skin when she saw his fiancée and his sister…making out. Here was most definitely an instance of Every Man's Fantasy turned into Every Man's Worst Nightmare…
"Oi, Kazu!" Shizuru waved at her brother as she broke the kiss. "What's the matter?"
"You and…my Yukina-chan…were…thiscloseto…" Kuwabara was at a loss for words, as his heart had been broken in two.
"Yep." Shizuru didn't deny it. "But you should have known…she told you she was a little uncomfortable with guys, and, besides, taste in women is genetic."
Kuwabara fainted on the porch step, and Shizuru just lifted her cigarettes out of the bag he was holding.
Sometimes you needed a good smoke when the world was closing in on you…
-FIN
var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001089&l=NE&b=1& amp;t=1058891864';yviR='us';yfiEA(0); geovisit();