Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Orenji no Taiyou ❯ No Regrets ( Chapter 10 )

The message was short. It said that they were going to Disney Tokyo and that I had one week to get my stuff out of the house. They left a key for me under the doormat. Whatever I left would be thrown away when they got back.

 

The message was short.

 

When the phone rang, I didn't even pick it up. I saw who it was. All day, people had been calling me to see if I was alright, but no one meant anything by it. They all felt guilty for driving me off. They all just want to save me.

 

The message was short, but it was the most sincere thing I had heard all day. It wasn't the emotion I wanted, however. I wanted someone to call me being sincerely happy or sincerely concerned. The most sincere emotion depicted through that little piece of metal was hatred.

 

We're going to Disney Tokyo. Whatever isn't gone when we get back is being thrown out. You have one week. After that, we never want to see you again.

 

Sincerity is crap.

 

Out of everything in that message, the thing that bothered me the most was that they were going to Disney Tokyo. Out of everything, that trivial little piece of information hurt the most. A fire burned in my belly. I was so angry.

Mom had always promised we'd go there. I thought it was silly. Human entertainment, mice, greasy food. Pheh. It was sickening to even think about, and I always dreaded the day she would keep that promise. Well, look at me now. I was jealous. I was jealous that she was going with that man and that boy. Like a happy little perfect model family. Without me.

 

The world will turn without me there. The city lights will burn. The birds will migrate. Seasons will change, children will be born, children will grow, the cycle of life will continue. I'm just a small little speck on this earth. I'm not even worth enough to my friends for them to sincerely care. The only emotion I'm worthy of is hate.

 

That's why I ran off. Everyone was trying to save me. That's why everyone had been calling all day. They wanted me to go back to the temple and be saved.

 

Yuusuke showed up at Genkai's last night while I was sleeping off the cold. He came in and started talking slander against me. In his defense, he didn't know that I was in the next room. I woke up and listened to him. He was so angry with me. And then he began to cry. He broke down right there in Yukina's presence.

 

He wasn't mad that I was gay. He didn't like that, but he was pissed off that I had lied to him. Of course, that was the last straw for me. That night had been too stressful, so I started crying again. I cried myself back to sleep. I woke up once in the night and found Yuusuke on the futon next to me. I couldn't help myself and curled up next to him.

I won't lie. I'd had a crush on Yuusuke since I had realized that I was gay a few years ago. I would occasionally catch myself looking at Yuusuke's shirtless chest during the tournaments and whenever he sparred. He just had this muscular chest. He glistened under the noon sun, his sweat making him look rugged and handsome.

And he was always so kind and whole-heartened. Everything he did, he did with a passion. I longed to be the root of that passion. I longed for him to have that passion towards me. I used to pretend that I was Keiko, and that it was me he was kissing. I was the one he loved. Not her. He couldn't love her, because in my world, he loved men. And I was the only man he would look at.

 

Yuusuke had woken up at my movement and wrapped an arm around me. “I don't blame you for Keiko…”

”I love you.”

Yuusuke went stiff, and I knew that I had screwed up again, but I had to tell him. I had to tell him how much he meant to me. Somehow, I knew what would happen the next day. I had to do this now before I left for good and could never say that to anyone else ever again.

 

“Just go to sleep,” he said to me, relaxing a little. I knew he was giving me one last moment of peaceful bliss when he started to pet my hair. I knew that he didn't like me like that, and I knew that he would reprimand me again for being gay in the morning. And I think he knew what I subconsciously knew, what I had subconsciously planned out moments before. He was giving me one last moment of love before I left.

 

I faked sleep for a while to see if he would leave me, but he didn't. He stayed right there next to me with one arm holding me and one arm playing with my hair. Soon his motions put me to sleep, and when I woke up, he was still next to me; only, his hand was still because he was still asleep.

 

I didn't move. I stayed right there in his arms. I remember thinking that it wasn't real, that I was already dead. I remember feeling scared. I'm not sure if I was scared that the moment wouldn't end or if I was scared at the thought of what I would do that night, even though I had yet to consciously realize my choice.

 

Yuusuke came to and asked me why I was crying.

”I'm crying?” My voice was my shaky then, I realized.

Yuusuke nodded and sat up, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and a lighter from his belt loop. He lit one up and took a long drag, letting the smoke escape him slowly. He stayed silent for several moments before asking once again if I was alright.

 

I remember sitting there next to him. That morning, the smell of recently wet clothing mingled with his scent and the smell of cigarette smoke. It was an inviting smell, one that I wouldn't mind waking up to every morning. I didn't answer him. I just laid there basking in his presence and scent.

 

He was petting my head, messing up my already tangled hair. I could feel him frown down at me, and I thought that this was it. He was taking away my happiness. He knew my feelings for him and would use them against me. He would reprimand me. Nothing would ever be the same between us.

 

“What happened to your hair? It's a muddy mess.”

I swear that I sobbed harder than I had ever sobbed in my life. I was so relieved that, out of everything he could have said to me, this was the thing I wanted to hear most. I was so happy that I couldn't stop the tears.

He pulled me up into a hug, smoothing my hair down, telling me to shush. I latched onto his shirt. “I'm sorry...”

”For what?”

 

I didn't know why I was sorry; it just felt like something that needed to be said. I felt like, if nothing else, I should apologize for all the trouble he was going through for me, especially since, deep down, I knew that I was responsible for Keiko leaving him.

 

Yuusuke let go of me and messed up my hair a little. “I can't keep doing this for you, you know…”

I'd known that was coming and nodded, wiping my eyes. My voice was shaky when I responded. “I k-n-now…”

 

He sighed like he had just dealt me a low blow. “Don't be like that.” He looked at me as if silently begging me to accept reality as it was.

I honestly wasn't trying to be like that. I wasn't trying to guilt him into anything. My normally perfectly controlled posture, voice, diction, hair, everything… I had lost control long before Yuusuke had begun to treat me kindly that night. This just made it harder to regain that control.

 

“I'm sorry…” At my words, Yuusuke shook his head.

 

“I know you are.” He came over and pulled me into a strong embrace, rubbing his hands down my arm and back up, creating some friction heat in an attempt to comfort me.

 

The raven-haired boy that I had chased after for so long finally gave himself to me, not in the way I had imagined over the last few years, but in a much more profound one. He had acquired a deeper understanding of me over the last twenty-four hours, no, less than twenty-four hours. He had turned my life around by coming over while I washed clothes. He knew it. He didn't know the details, but he knew that if he had stayed away that night, I wouldn't be at Genkai's.

 

And I wouldn't have spent that night in his arms, or gotten the weight of my secret off my chest, or stopped all the hurt. It was all his doing, as much as it was mine. I had set the stage and he had lit the fuse.

 

Yuusuke had given me a reason to escape it all and had gained the understanding of my thought process; I had gained insight into his mind. We would be together in mind for eternity. I could look at his face and know what he was thinking of at any one time. That was an ability that no telepath could acquire with all the training in the world: to submerge themselves in the depths of the mind of Urameshi Yuusuke.

 

He left, and I basked on the used futon for a while, soaking in the heat that it held in the indent made by Yuusuke's body. I almost fell back asleep until my hair made me feel disgusting.

 

Pulling myself up, I found the Swiss army knife I kept in my coat pocket and cut the bulk of the red mass off of my head. I told myself that it was to get the dirt and rats' nests that would surely not heed to a brush and comb out. That's a lie, though. I didn't know it at the time, but I was just testing the blade. I had to make sure it was dull enough.

 

Hair dulls blades, you know. During the French Revolution, they cut the hair of those to have their heads chopped off. The French didn't want to have to sharpen their blade, so they made sure that all of the hair was out of the way.

 

I looked down at the red tool in my hand and was glad to see some rust on it. Admittedly, I didn't know why I was glad there was rust. My plan was still subconsciously forming. Either way, I was happy that it took several cuts for the massive chunk of muddy hair to fall from my head.

 

I shaped up my remaining hair, getting rid of my cow-licks, looking like your average teenage boy. I felt naked without the red hair I had worked so hard to grow out, but my remorse and regret was short-lived; someone knocked on the door and snapped me to my senses. I didn't respond and finished getting washed up, changing into some of the clothes I kept at the temple.

I found one of my old pairs of worn-out jeans and a white t-shirt, one of my favorite t-shirts. I liked dressing up and all, but sometimes it was nice to be average. Who needed to be above average? And of that matter, who needed to be above average all the time? I knew mother liked me to dress up and it made me feel pretty. I would never feel pretty again with my hair short, and I wouldn't have the time to grow it out again. It was time to stop being the perfect Minamino Shuuichi or the tough Kurama. It was time to set down my past life as Youko as well. I was an average human with a broken spirit.

 

I emerged from my bedroom, or really the bedroom Genkai let me use whenever I stayed over, but nonetheless, it was in a numb state of mind. I came face-to-face with Kuwabara, Yukina, and Keiko. Yuusuke was in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his eyes downcast. Hiei wasn't anywhere to be seen, but that was expected. He didn't care about these petty things. There was someone else there too…

Dai was laying on the low deck-like structure surrounding the temple. I was at a complete loss as to why she would be there, automatically wondering if they wanted to persuade her to get back with me in an attempt to force me straight. It didn't even occur to me that she was a lesbian at that moment in time.

 

Turning my attention back to the three in front of me, I noticed Keiko, Kuwabara, and Yukina had shocked looks on their faces. I'm not sure if it was because they were realizing that I was gay, if my new hair style was inspiring awe and wonder in them, or maybe that I was trying to “better” myself and become straight, starting with my hair style. Either way, their looks were comical. My laugh snapped them out of their gazes.

”Kurama…”

”Shuuichi,” ; I corrected them. This made Yuusuke look over confused.

 

“Kurama…”

”No, Shuuichi. Shuu-i-chi. Say it with me now. Shuuichi. Not Kurama. Kurama is a nickname. To use a nickname would to say you are on friendly terms with a person. You guys are holding an intervention over something I have no control over. We are not on friendly terms.” I detested all three of them right now. If Keiko hadn't broken up with Yuusuke, I would have never have told him and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be homeless. I wouldn't be friendless.

 

“But you DO have control over it,” Kuwabara insisted.

 

“No I DON'T! I have NO control over the situation. I like guys. Guys are sexually appealing to me. I think men are hot. You're not,” Kuwabara got an offended look in his eye, “but other guys like Yuusuke are. I have no control over who I like. I have no control over you all. I have no control over this intervention. I have no control over being homeless. I have no control over everyone I know hating me. I have NO control.”

 

Kuwabara's offended look melted away into astonishment, and Kieko's look turned from sour to worry. Yukina's soft voice floated through the air. “You were kicked out?”

I nodded, feeling a little light-headed at missing five pounds of hair on my head. I had been kicked out by my stepdad and my mother. I could only go to Genkai's, where everyone wanted to save me. What a life.

 

Life. Pheh.

 

Keiko came forward, wanting to put a hand over me, but I pulled away and left the room. I was hungry. I had a sudden craving for apples.

I stood outside, eating my apple, trying to ignore everyone. Kuwabara and Yukina were still in the other room, talking strategy. Yuusuke was nowhere to be seen, really. Genkai, well, who knew at this point...? Though, wherever she was, Hiei was probably there as well.

 

Dai and Keiko, however, were right around the corner.

”What are you doing?!” Dai's voice was harsh, reminding me of a mother scolding a small child. “We used him to get what we wanted and now he's being…interrogated for it! And you're one of the prosecutors!”

 

Keiko's eye adopted a frightened look, afraid of Dai's harsh tone and scolding. She seemed to recoil within her chestnut hair. “Kuwabara came to me…” Her voice was small, almost like a mouse's squeak, but it was low. “If I had said no, he would have been suspicious…and then Yukina came to me. Have you seen her eyes? You can't say no to them…”

Dai shook her head. “That's no fucking excuse! He's homeless now, because we used him. Do you honestly think Yuusuke would have found out if you hadn't accused him with those panties?! You know DAMN well that Shuuichi liked him and had given him those. He said so when he was drunk and he probably doesn't even remember.”

I didn't remember that. I guessed they had been at that club opening together in Tokyo when Yuukou, Mell, and I got drunk and wound up in Yuukou's bed together. Honestly, though, I cannot say it surprised me that I had said something in such a state. Nor would it be truthful to say Keiko didn't seem like a lesbian to me. She looked good there, standing next to Dai. They worked well together. I couldn't blame them for using me like they did. I would have done the same thing to either of them to be with Yuusuke.

 

Looking up at Kieko, I saw her eyes tear up. “I know! OKAY!? I KNOW! I know what we did was wrong, and I know what I'm doing is wrong, and I know it's our fault he was found out and and and…” Dai took Keiko into her arms. Keiko buried her face in Dai's breasts, and Dai put her chin in the crook of Keiko's neck, shushing her and smoothing her hair down while rubbing a hand along her back in a soothing manner. Keiko cried for a moment into Dai, holding onto her tightly.

Women, so emotional. Granted, I was the same way last night and early this morning, but now I was calm. I was… so calm that it was creepy. I scared myself with how calmly I looked at the scene of those two hugging and how calmly I dealt with the fact that they had catalyzed this messed-up chemical reaction called life. They had helped shape my life, no matter how misshapen it had become. They had molded me like a piece of clay, even if they hadn't meant to.

 

Had they meant to? They certainly couldn't have before that night in Tokyo, but they had started this before then, I guessed. Why else would Dai have gone out with me prior to that night? That one magical night...

 

I remember that night. It wasn't so cold. I had gone out in a skirt and hadn't needed a jacket. The seasons had begun to change. The snow had almost completely melted. It was warm out. I was happy.

The snow started up again a few weeks later, when Keiko broke up with Yuusuke. When Yuusuke came to me in rage. When I had been found out.

 

Dai kissed Keiko's cheek and pulled away, wiping a tear or two away. “Calm down. Regardless of our wrongs, we don't need to be caught as well in penance. Pull yourself together and we'll leave soon. We'll travel to Tokyo again and go dancing.”

I figured that would be the solution. They would run away from their problems, like I wanted to. I did agree with one thing though. They really didn't deserve to be caught because of their guilt. No matter how much they deserved to be ousted, I wouldn't do it. I'd let them keep their dirty little secret, and hopefully they would guard it more carefully than I had. After all, in the end, wasn't I the one who chose to confide in Yuusuke that I liked men? That I liked him?

That I love him?

I turned away from the scene and went to tuck some hair behind my ear, only to realize the red mass was gone. Only now did I realize how warm my hair kept me as the snow picked up. What little green was on the vast expanse of land around me was completely covered in a foot of snow.

 

I turned and went to walk back inside, wanting cocoa. The girls were gone, Keiko back inside with Kuwabara and Yukina, keeping her cover until they could make an excuse to leave.

 

I poured some milk into a kettle and put it on a high heat, hoping it would boil sooner rather than later. As it did, I turned a blind eye to the pot to look for the chocolate.

 

The aroma of melting chocolate and warm milk drifted through the air, attracting more company. My raven-haired Adonis entered the room, looking around. His eyes landed on me and the fresh snow in my short choppy hair and then to the pot. “I want some.”

Wordlessly, I pulled out a cup and tipped the pot just enough to pour the perfect cup of cocoa. The hot porcelain warmed my hands, and I almost drank the chocolate liquid myself before forfeiting the cup.

 

Yuusuke looked down at the cup for a moment before taking a sip, burning his tongue. “Mother—“ He sighed and set the cup down, looking for water. I giggled a little and he looked up at me smiling. “What? Is my pain that funny?”

I nodded and looked away, pouring my own cup of hot chocolate. “Why do you smile?” Asking that felt like a dream. I couldn't remember moving my lips and forming those words, or flexing the tone of my voice to form a question. I knew I had asked it though. I had been wanting to since the night before.

The other looked me over for a moment. “Why do I what? Why don't you tell me why you cut your hair?”

A picture of a Marie Antoinette's rolling head entered my mind and I smiled a little. “No reason.” I sipped my cup without pain. “What changed your mind?”

”About what?” The water hadn't helped, it was clear, as Yuusuke was halfway outside to get some snow for his tongue.

 

“About how you felt towards me? I mean, I told you and you stomped off in anger, then last night…” I trailed off. Nothing had happened in that short night, but a wonderful sleep in the arms of the man I loved. We didn't make love. We didn't kiss. We just laid there all night…

”Well…” he looked at my arm. “You haven't taken the bandage from your tattoo off yet.” So that was it. He had revealed his tattoo. He had remembered more good times than bad. We had gotten it only last night, the same night he had found out and thrown a fit. Hell, we weren't even supposed to take those bandages off yet, but he had and it had meant something to him.

I think, just as I subconsciously knew what was coming, he did too. He knew what I was planning and was giving me that one last peaceful moment of bliss to bask in. My blaze of glory. My best-seller.

 

He was just making me comfortable. Maybe it was a futile attempt to stop me, or maybe it was his genuine feelings toward me.

It wasn't genuine though. I was fooling myself into thinking that, but I knew it wasn't. He didn't love me as I loved him. Yuusuke still loved Keiko, who loved Dai, but Yuusuke didn't know that. Yuusuke didn't know Dai's roll in the grand scheme of things. She was the cause and I was the effect and Yuusuke was just a stop along the way to the climax. And Keiko was just an accessory.

 

I shook my head no, the lightheaded feeling returning and making me feel a little ill. “No, I'm not supposed to take the bandage off for another day or two. You should know that, you little cheater.”

Shrugging, Yuusuke put some snow into his cocoa to cool it, as to not abuse his tongue further. He drank the cup in one big gulp and set it down on the counter. “That was good cocoa." I thanked him, and he left the room, going out through Kuwabara's lair and back out front to lean on the railing around the deck.

 

I was slow to finish my cocoa, prolonging my return to the other room where more shouts awaited me. What would they pull on me next? That it wasn't ethical?

Well, here is the question I pose. Is anything truly ethical, or do we make it so? Are things right because society tells us they are right? Are things bad because they are not accepted among the masses? Does it depend on your culture, your surroundings, or the stage on which the act is preformed? What makes one thing right and another wrong?

A man could be rich, but, depending on society, he could be a thief or merely lucky. Or, if he gives back to the community, he could be considered a philanthropist. However, doesn't that mean that society decides what it right and wrong based solely on their gain or lack there of from the situation?

 

Who are we to decide what is moral and what is amoral? Maybe I like other men because I chose to, or maybe I like them for reasons beyond my control. However, does that make me broken? And if I'm not broken, why fix me? To improve me? What if I don't want to be improved?

 

And why does it matter if it doesn't affect society as a whole? If I were to marry another man, would that cause the apocalypse? Would anyone other than my life and the life of my partner be affected? Maybe it would change the lives of my close family, but doesn't the same thing happen when a man marries a woman?

 

With these thoughts running through my head, I walked back out into the main room. Kuwabara decided I needed to be saved. When that didn't work, the orange-haired lug decided I was just pulling an elaborate prank of some sort. I had to hand it to him, though. He tried. He was trying his best to do for me what he thought was best, but what was best for him was bad for me.

Yukina joined in again. She decided that I was sick and needed to be cured. Being as fast working and efficient as she was, Yukina was already half done with what she called a miracle cure. The smell made me sick to my stomach. She too, however, was just trying to help. They were both trying to be friends to me. They were both trying to do what they thought was best for me, only what they thought was best wasn't best. It was worst.

 

Keiko ended up excusing herself for a need to help in her family's ramen shop, and Dai went with her, saying that she had been hired as a part-time employee. Nobody paid much attention as they left. They were all too focused on me.

 

This was the first time in my life that I wasn't enjoying attention. Kuwabara's scratchy voice and Yukina's potion's weird smell made me sick, so I turned and ran. I just couldn't take it anymore! It was just too much to handle for the moment.

The emotion began to come back to me as the phone rang. Genkai's temple number flashed on my phone several times before Kuwabara's cell phone number began to appear, and then Yuusuke's. I doubted Yuusuke was actually calling me, though.

As the annoying ring tone rang through the air, my emotion grew to hatred. Why wouldn't they just leave me alone!? It wasn't like I could turn my phone off. I needed to go get my stuff from home.

I sat in the park, in the snow, and looked over the frozen lake. It was a beautiful sight, the city skyline in the distance and a few ice skaters doing tricks on the frozen water. The sky was cloudy and gloom, however. The sun refused to shine.

That's when my mom's number flashed on the annoying phone in my hand. I stared at it, dreading answering it. I wanted so much to go home to my mother's loving arms and warm embrace. I wanted her words to comfort me and for her to hold me in her lap like when I was a boy. But most of all I wanted her to tell me to come home. I wanted for her to ask me to come home to her safely and live there and stay there.

 

I didn't feel like being let down and losing it, however. I knew if I had picked up the phone I would have sobbed. Maybe sobbing would have provoked feelings of pity in my mother, but instead I let it ring and I let my voicemail pick it up.

 

The message was short. I was to go in and out, getting my stuff within the week. The key would be hidden under the mat for me. Whatever I didn't take would be thrown out, and if I came back, the police would be called for my trespassing.

They were going to Disney Tokyo.

I was supposed to go to Disney Tokyo. I was supposed to be the object of my mother's affection. I was supposed to be the perfect human child.

 

I was supposed to be a ruthless demon thief. I had the reputation of a killer. I was a thief that could pick any lock and conquer any spell to get the treasure inside. I had been the Youko Kurama. I could solve any puzzle and work my way out of any trap.

So why couldn't I pick my way out of this lock, why couldn't I solve this puzzle, why couldn't I work my way out of this trap? I was caged. My family was succeeding where that hunter had failed. My mother's words killed me. They killed me. I was human. I was supposed to be a demon. I wasn't even worth my mother's affection.

 

The message was short.

I wasn't even worth the time to be properly disposed of!

 

My anger was short-lived, as was my rest in the park. I heard a familiar scratchy voice calling my name. Kuwabara was searching. My spiteful attitude returned and all I could think of was that he was actively trying to save me now.

 

Before Kuwabara could get near me, I ran out of site, instinctively running towards home. As I ran, a classmate stopped me. It was a brunette in the year under me.

 

“Shuuichi, do you want to go to the movies with me?” Her voice was soft and sincere. I stared at her in awe for a moment, unsure of how to react to someone actually giving me the time of day. It wasn't normal, or at least it wasn't normal anymore.

I heard Kuwabara call my name again, and I ran.

 

As I said before, sincerity was, is, and ever shall be crap. No one will ever be sincere about anything. That girl, for instance, just wants a boyfriend. Every girl in that school wanted a boyfriend and my long hair was their envy, as Yuusuke was my envy.

I look back on that scene with the classmate now and I realize something. She asked me to go with her after I had disposed of my massive red mane. I wish I had realized that before, but I didn't. Maybe things would have turned out different if I had.

But still, all she really wanted was a nice piece of ass.

 

I ran and could feel Kuwabara closing the gap between us. I picked up my cell and dialed Yuukou's number, but there was no answer. I took a shortcut around a building and Kuwabara followed me, but he slipped on a large sheet of ice that I merely glided across.

 

I tried Yuukou's number on the phone again, but there was no answer.

 

Things seemed to blur around me as I leapt over a bush, through the snow-covered yard of my former home, and to the back door. I found the key and went in.

The house was eerie-sounding. No one was home. Everything was clean. Nothing was out of place. It almost seemed like a ghost world, like it hadn't been lived in.

 

I took a moment to catch my breath, and I closed the back door. I put on my house slippers, only to take them off again. They smelled of garbage. They had probably thrown them away only to realize I needed my stuff.

Man, that was considerate of them.

 

I heard an ambulance go past and the lights lit up my face in the window for a second. I was hideous without my hair. It was short and choppy now, a straight line across the bottom from where the knife had slid across with ease.

 

When the ambulance passed and I could no longer look at my reflection, I started a pot of tea, as I had done everyday upon arriving home from school for the past several years. The smell of the fresh green tea leaves seemed to bring the house to life, creating the atmosphere I had come to know and love as a child. The only things that were missing were the smells and sounds that resulted as the product of Mother starting dinner.

 

One of my first memories in this human body, after dying as the Youko, was cooking with Mother. It was the sort of activity that had a calming effect on me after sitting still in school all day.

 

I kneeled at the table and turned the heater on under the blanket, sipping the tea and letting it warm me. I wiped my runny nose and I could feel my cheeks turning red as the heat from the room contrasted with the cold snow and ice on my clothing and skin. Absentmindedly, I called Yuukou again, but once again there was no answer.

 

After finishing my tea, I washed the pot and cup before putting it away and going upstairs to my room. I noticed that pictures had been taken down and replaced. They really wasted no time, erasing me from existence in their home. The only thing left with any evidence that I had ever been a part of the family was my room.

 

I opened the door and demolition met my eyes. They had overturned everything, probably looking to see what else I had been hiding. I noticed my dairy laying face down on the floor. They had read it.

I picked it up, and started:

Journal,

 

Everything went wrong. Everything went wrong and there is nothing I can do to take control of my life. I can't get a hold of Yuukou. I have no money to go to Tokyo. All of my friends are trying to save me.

This is what lying gets me, I suppose. I have no regrets.

 

Shuuichi

 

I closed it and made my bed, before placing the dairy under the pillow just as I had always done.

 

I'm not sure why, maybe it was out of habit, but I cleaned my room, putting everything in its place. I put all of my cloths away, folding them and placing them into the dresser neatly. I found my girl cloths, folded them all neatly, and put them into the hidden drawer with my curling iron, my straightening iron, and my other toys. I put my shoes in the closet and I folded a stack of towels, putting them on a shelf in my dresser. I even alphabetized my book collection.

 

When everything was nice and neat and clean, I lounged on my bed and pulled out my knife, pushing the blade in and out, in and out, in and out.

It was hypnotic.

A cut across my finger drew the smallest amount of blood possible. It barely beaded before dripping into the groove next to my fingernail, trapping itself between the nail and skin on my left index finger. My acute sense of smell picked up the metallic scent

I squeezed my finger a bit to get the bead of blood out of the groove so that it would run down the side of my finger. It did, and I watched it go down my arm and stain my shirt.

 

I looked at my knife, flipping it in and out and in and out, watching the little bit of blood on the blade smear.

 

I cut down my palm, tracing the lines on my left hand. They were shallow cuts, and the blood flowed at a controlled, resisting pace. It was almost like the blood was afraid to come out of its refuge. Its home was my body and I was forcing it out, forcing it to find a new place of residence.

 

I looked up at myself in the mirror hanging on the back of my door. I was a mess. My clothes were wet and stained, and my face was dirty. I got up, ignoring the dripping blood coming from my left palm. I got up and went to wash my face in the bathroom before going back into my room and changing clothes. I put on my favorite green button-up shirt and a pair of brown slacks. I put on some warm, woolen socks because it was so cold outside. I've always hated the cold.

 

I sat back down. My hand had stopped bleeding by this point, and my new clothes were clean of any crimson stains.

 

Picking my knife back up, I looked at my pillow where my journal had been hidden. No regrets. Did I have any regrets? If I could have told Yuusuke earlier, would I have? I don't think I would have. I glanced at my shoulder, where right under the green fabric laid my tattoo.

 

If, in fact, I really did have no regrets, did I have a reason to stay? I had no family. I loved my mother still, as I always would, but I no longer had the luxury to call her mom. Besides, it wasn't like I had to worry about her anymore. She had a husband and another son to take care of her and make sure she was happy and healthy, not that I hadn't already ensured that with the Mirror of Forlorn Hope years before.

 

And my friends…my friends. Yuusuke seemed to have had made his peace with my last night, but what about the others?

Kuwabara was blindly trying to save me from my own sexuality. He was trying so hard to save me that he was pushing me away. A little space and maybe someone to understand and things would have been okay, but that's not what he gave me.

Keiko was in the closet and directly contradicting her beliefs while helping Kuwabara save me. What peeved me most about her was that she was trying to save face for Yuusuke and Kuwabara about her relationship with Dai. She wasn't strong enough to say to Yuusuke, “Hey look we can't date anymore. I'm a lesbian.” But then again, I had never been man enough to come out of the closet either. I was forced out.

Yukina had been trying to heal me. She was so unlike her brother in every way, and this was the biggest. She tried to help everyone, even people who didn't want or need to be helped. Like me. It was an insult, more than anything. Homosexuality is not an ailment. I could not be healed.

 

Dai wasn't really my friend, just my fake ex-girlfriend and Kieko's lover. I still don't understand why she was never straightforward with me. She never told me she was chasing a girl. She had just said that if she ever decided to date someone, we'd end the ruse.

 

Genkai didn't give a fuck. That was probably the biggest comfort to me throughout this whole ordeal. Even more so than Yuusuke's acceptance, to Genkai I didn't change at all. She never got angry with me about anything; I was just there, same as I always was.

Hiei was nowhere to be seen. This puzzled me the most. Did he even know what was going on? Or did he abandon me?

 

And Yuukou, my best friend, the one who had helped me out when I was in turmoil about my sexual identity, I couldn't get a hold of him. He was nowhere to be found.

 

So no, I had no reason to stay, and I had no regrets.

There was one thing that bothered me, that I would have liked to stick around and find out, but it wasn't a big enough reason to stop the proceedings.

 

I was curious about whether or not Yuukou was ignoring me. This was my last resort, the knife. I would have gone to him, but I had no money and I couldn't just stick around here and wait for the others to save me. So where was Yuukou? I had never had a hard time getting a hold of him before. Wherever he was, I was sure he was safe. And I was sure he wouldn't miss me too much. We hadn't gotten the chance to spend a lot of time together, after all.

I leaned against the wall opposite the door, staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes had lost color, as had my skin. The once emerald-green had dulled into a hazy, dark, limp pine tree green. My skin had acquired a grey hue to it over a reddening tint, displaying the start of a cold brought about by my prolonged time in the snow.

 

I hate the snow.

 

I reached up and scratched my head with both hands rapidly, aiming to mess up my hair and let it go a little wild. Once I was satisfied, I smoothed it out and took my knife, deciding to shape it up.

 

After several minutes my hair had smoothed. It was short and I had added layers, taking away wisps of my reaming red locks with the edge of the blade. I left it longer in the front with one piece the curled around my chin. I flattened out my bangs and wisped them. Finally, when I was satisfied, I picked up the hair and threw it away. I was satisfied with how smooth the choppy mass had become. It looked almost good. Short, but good.

I sat back down and looked at my face. It seemed I had acquired some new lines around my face, aging me several years. I no longer looked like the schoolboy I was, but rather a salary man, about to go to work in his good cloths.

 

I stared down at my half-healed hand. When I stretched it out, it began to bleed a little bit again.

 

I grasped the knife with my left hand, smearing blood over the handle.

 

It didn't hurt.

It didn't hurt but the smell that reached my nostrils brought tears to my eyes, how overwhelmingly strong that metallic scent was. I looked back across the room into the mirror. I leaned my head back against the wall lazily. I had no energy.

My legs straightened out and spread, allowing the small of my back to sag down onto the floor a little. I starred at my reflection hard, as if I was trying to see something that would only appear in a split second of time, never to be seen again.

I concentrated hard, blankly.

My chest rose and fell steadily. My intake of breath was shaky coming in, but smooth and willing to escape. It was ready to escape. I was ready to escape.

My toes curled under my feet in the wool socks and cracked. I relaxed them back, glad to release the carbon from my joints.

 

I was warm. The house was warming. There was a trail of warm liquid from my chest to my hips, like I was bathing in a hot spring. I was warm.

I closed my eyes lightly, not wanting this feeling of warmth to end. I didn't want to be cold anymore. I wanted the snow to melt and create spring. I wanted the suffocating plants to have their air, letting their snow captors melt and provide water for their thirsty roots. I wanted the warmth. The warmth of a fire, or a blanket, of a family, of Yuusuke; I wanted it all. I wanted every night to be as warm as it had been last night. Warmth made me feel good and happy. It brought about new life and new chances.

 

I wanted the snow to melt.

I opened my eyes again; tears were washing down the sides of my face as I realized something. Warmth was just too much to ask for. Warmth was something that only deserving people got and I certainly wasn't one of them.

 

What made a person deserving? Society? The nation? The government?

 

Whatever it was, I didn't deserve it. The heat was disappearing. The heat from my face, from my feet, from my chest, from my belly, from my hips, it was all gone.

The soothing feeling of that cascading liquid was fading. The warmth of my blood was leaving. Inside it brought lasting relief from the cold, a constant warm temperature. Outside, it brought temporary relief from the bitter snow.

 

I looked down at it; I could feel my lip fall open dumbly. “Why…is the blood gone?”

Staring at it, for the life of me, I couldn't realize that I was running out of blood to flow out and warm me.

 

After a moment or two, I laid my head back against the wall and sobbed silently. I was so cold. I just wanted some warmth.

 

The door opened and I could barely hear it. My hearing was going. It was hard to focus or concentrate on anything, really. Discerning the door from a creak in the old floors of this old house was hard.

”KURAMA!” Yuusuke's voice yelled. “You home!? Kuwabara called me from the hospital. He was chasing you and slipped on some ice. The buffoon broke his ankle. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

As Yuusuke spoke, his voice got closer and closer, but it was harder and harder to hear. When he was finally at the door, I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, my voice failed me.

I resolved to just wait for him to enter so that I could see that he had come for me and that he cared for me. Maybe it wasn't his voice and I was being misled. Maybe it was Kuwabara, trying to coax me out of hiding.

 

I stared at the door as the brass handle turned, my eyes shifting in and out of focus. It took all I had just to not up and close them completely. It was like keeping them open drained my energy too much to do anything else.

 

Yuusuke came in and was speechless at the sight of me. I'm not sure why though. Was he speechless because of my hair, possibly? I mean, I had styled it pretty nicely and maybe it was more his thing than my long locks.

 

He ran to my side and grasped the knife, but did not pull at the last second. “I'm afraid I'll do more damage…”

I stared at him, not sure what he was talking about. “More…damage?” I managed to say. I could barely hear my own voice. Apparently, he didn't either, because he looked at me with a `what did you say' look.

 

Yuusuke stared at me for a moment. “You have a knife in your chest!”

”I do?” I didn't know that. I let my head lull down and looked at the red handle of my army knife. “Oh, I do have a knife in my chest…” How had that gotten there? I don't remember taking it out of my pocket. Had someone stabbed me? That wasn't good. I probably had blood on my favorite shirt by now. Pooh.

When I looked back up, Yuusuke was on his cell phone, calling an ambulance. When he hung up, he leaned back down and I reached up, wrapping my arms around his neck. My eyes were blurred with tears. “I want to be warm…”

Yuusuke knelt down and hugged me close. “Okay, okay you will be. I promise. I won't let you get cold again. Just hold on for a little while, okay?”

 

He rocked me gently, and I closed my eyes, tired. I wanted to fall asleep. I was numb; the feeling of Yuusuke holding me barely registered.

 

I felt his gaze on me. He shook me gently. “Don't close your eyes,” he pleaded. There was fear in his voice. I didn't want him to be scared. There was no reason to be scared. People closed their eyes all the time and he knew that perfectly well, but I didn't want to let him down.

I looked at him, trying to do as he said, wanting to please Yuusuke. Maybe if I did what he said, he'd love me. I opened my eyes as wide as I could, but Yuusuke just kept telling me to open them more. I starred at him, wanting to do what he said, trying to, but they were slipping slowly.

 

I closed them and leaned on Yuusuke, blanketed by his arms. I loved the feeling of him holding me, and I would do anything to have him do that for me every night from now as long as I lived. He would hold me in our home while I fell asleep. We'd be happy together, always. From now until the day I die.

 

When I opened my eyes again there were men in my room, lifting me onto a stretcher. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Yuusuke didn't go with them when they carried me down the stairs and to the ambulance. I was scarred, shouting for the man I longed for, screaming for him. Apparently my voice had returned because the men were trying to silence me as they walked me out to the big white ambulance.

 

I had stopped calling. Yuusuke was at the door of my house, saying something. I strained to hear what he said. I thought I heard him say that he loved me, but the words didn't match his lips. His lips mouthed that he'd follow the ambulance. I closed my eyes again, feeling them strap a mask across my face.

 

I opened them. Someone was yelling for the traffic to move. He was out of sight, probably the driver. It wasn't a voice I recognized. We weren't moving and I didn't understand why. I tried to look at one of the men but they were two busy hooking giving me an IV.

 

I closed my eyes again, the sirens blaring in my ears.

I opened them. Two men were arguing about whether it would help or hurt me to take the knife out. One was saying that if they took it out, I'd loose more blood, but the other said that if we did take it out, they could bandage me, however the first man said that pulling it out could cause internal damage and start internal bleeding.

 

We still weren't moving.

I closed my eyes again; no one was touching me or my knife.

I opened them. A wave of panic swept through me. Where was Yuusuke!? He had been holding me not minutes before, and now he was gone. Where was I!? What was I doing here? Why did it hurt so much!?

 

Unable to take the pain, I closed my eyes again.

 

I opened them. Someone was shouting on a phone that the traffic wouldn't move. Someone said my blood type, demanding that some be waiting for an infusion upon my arrival.

 

I closed my eyes again; we began to move. Slowly, the traffic horns honking obnoxiously around the ambulance were barely audible above the blaring siren, but they were letting up nonetheless.

 

I opened my eyes again; someone had shouted that I'd stopped breathing and someone else was performing CPR, and there was a tube down my throat with someone pumping a plastic cylinder, forcing my chest up and down.

 

I stared up at the ceiling; there was a break in the pure white tile as we moved, going through two big white double doors. I recognized that we were in the local hospital. I was being pushed on a bed. Someone was desperately trying to hook up a bag of blood to my IV. There was a heart monitor.

 

Beep...beep…beep…beep...

 

The smell of blood made me sick. I felt like gagging, but the tube was down my throat. Someone told me to calm down and relax, to breath through my nose.

I had a cold and my nose was stuffed. I stared blankly at the ceiling, wanting to breath, wanting to let the oxygen to fill my lungs and bring relief.

 

Beep…beep…beep…beep...

 

My vision was going. My eyes felt dry, like there was no fluid in my body to moisten them. I closed my eyes, wondering why they were dry. I couldn't have cried, even if I had wanted to. There was nothing left to cry out.

 

Beep…beep…beep…beep...

 

What the hell was that beeping!? It was noisy, deafening, and so loud. I felt like a bomb was going off every time I heard a beep. I wanted the beeping to stop. It killed me to hear it.

 

“His pulse is going! We're losing him!”

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

 

It was getting faster, louder, more sickening to listen to. I couldn't stand it. I just wanted it to stop. I prayed for it to stop. Stop it, Yuusuke. Come to my rescue. Make it stop. I'll do anything for it to stop.

 

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 

AH, THAT WAS THE WORST OF ALL! Just make it stop. Please…just make it stop! I'll stop being gay. I'll try my hardest to be who you want me to be! Just please, make it stop. Make it stop make it stop make it stop.

 

“The cuts are too deep! The knife is in too deep!” The doctor was trying, sincerely trying to help me.

Where's my knife? I want my knife. That knife is the only thing I have to remember my father by! He wouldn't have kicked me out for being who I am. He would have embraced it. He would have accepted me. He would have made Mother hundreds of times happier than what that new guy could ever do.

 

I hadn't known him for very long, my father, and I barely had any memory of him, but somehow I just knew he'd have been better. This would have never happened if my mother's eyes hadn't been blinded by her new husband's beliefs. He tainted her mind.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 

FUCKING BEEPS! I just want them to stop! MAKE THEM STOP! Every single one of them is like a miniature Nagasaki or Hiroshima. Every single one of them killed me. It was just painful. It made my eardrums burst. It was like nails on a chalkboard. Like hands on cellophane.

 

“Clear.”

What?

”Clear.”

What?

”Clear.”

What?

 

“Stop.”

Stop? Stop what? Stop that man with the bag of blood? Stop him from trying to open it? If he gets any on my favorite shirt, I'll kill him. I love this shirt and I'd die if anything happened to it, especially a blood stain. Those were hardest to get out.

 

What happened to `clear' anyway? Why `clear' in the first place? Clear what? Clear water? Clear soda? All clear ahead?

 

“We've lost him.”

My eyes went out of focus. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. The beeping stopped, thankfully. I couldn't hear anything. The smells of blood and the smells of the hospital disappeared from under my nose. The taste of blood in my mouth disappeared; the sweet metal taste was gone. The feeling and taste of the plastic tube slipped away. Everything slipped into darkness.

 

I have no regrets.