Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Red ❯ I'm Still Here ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

DISCLAIMER: I am throwing out the negative and looking to the positive. The plot is mine.

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I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard,
Or a moment
That's held in your arms.

* * *

Hiei woke in a sea of red, but he didn't think it was the blood he was used to. It fell across his face, and it was soft, and it tickled. He smiled, and brushed the hair away, clearing the face beneath.

Kurama slept still, blissfully unaware of how closely he was being watched. His lips curved upward in a little smile, and his chest rose and fell gently with each breath. Hiei realized that he was curled up in the kitsune's arms as if seeking protection where none needed to be found.

Hiei tightened his arms around his fox. His fox. He liked that. It made him feel good inside, and that was certainly something to cherish, just like the memory of the night before…

He had, at first, been able to understand what Kurama's kiss meant. That Kurama really loved him—that something so wonderful could exist in this eternal darkness—was unthinkable. But as the night wore on, things became more and more real. All of his hurt, his dark thoughts, all of his doubt and even the pain of death, it was all swept away for a while…

And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway.
You don't know me,
And I'll never be what you want me to be.

It had been very late—or rather, extremely early—when they had fallen asleep, and Hiei, for the first time in a long while, had not dreamed at all.

And now it was day, and he was still there, and shockingly enough, Kurama was, too. Hiei would have liked to just lie there and hold him, but a nagging worry kept tugging at his thoughts, one that he had not been able to forget about all night.

After Kurama had fallen asleep, Hiei had lain awake for a long time, trying to sort out his thoughts. The thought that Kurama really just felt sorry for him only crossed his mind for about a second; he knew the fox too well to ever really think so. No, that wasn't the problem. Hiei himself was the problem.

He had never been in a real relationship. It was…exhilarating, and frightening, and wonderful, all at once. But now that the first part was over, he was beginning to realize how little he had to bring to a relationship of any kind. He had made no accomplishments in his long life, except to be continually beaten up and/or kidnapped. He had managed to lose his only remaining family not long after finding her again, and he was generally unaccepted in most of the worlds. He had never thought of self-pity—it had always been just…the truth.

But he had already had this conversation with himself, and he reached the same conclusion now that he had the night before. He would simply wait until Kurama brought it up—which was inevitable—and then he would work through these issues.

Until then, he would just be happy.

He was determined to be.

* * *

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man.
You can't take me
And throw me away.

* * *

Hiei didn't know for sure when he fell asleep, but when he woke again, Kurama was gone. The mattress was still warm where he had been, so it hadn't been too long, but that didn't stop Hiei from worrying and wondering where he had gone.

The clock on the bedside table read 11:45, Hiei managed to conclude after contemplating it for several moments. Next to the clock, a new cup sat, still steaming. Hiei, grimacing—the pain that had left the night before had returned at full strength—reached over and picked it up, sniffing it. It looked and smelled like the stuff Kurama had given him last night, so he drank it, slowly, letting it dull the pain, listening for any sound that could tell him that Kurama was in the house. There was nothing.

So, when he finished the whole cup, Hiei moved the blankets aside and swung his legs over the side of the bed, pushing himself to his feet. For a moment the room spun, then fell into place. Once it did, he made his way carefully to the door and opened it, looking out into the empty hall, trying to figure out where to go. To his right, he saw a flight of steps leading downward, and after a moment's hesitation, he dragged himself to the stairs.

* * *

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me,
Cause I'm not here.

* * *

Going down was difficult. That drink dulled the pain, but he was still weaker that he had ever been in his life. Loss of blood made his bones all noodley (to preserve his dignity, those are my words, not Hiei's) and every once in a while his legs would begin to shake and suddenly everything in front of him would double. But he finally made it down, and there he stopped, leaning against the banister, trying to decide, again, where to go.

He listened carefully. There was hardly any sound at all, in the whole house. But after a few moments, he heard soft noises to his left, behind a door. There was a strange, echoing drip, drip, drip, and then the clink that he would come to recognize as glass on the counter or table. Even more importantly, he heard very soft, almost silent footsteps.

Hiei shoved himself away from the banister and walked unsteadily to the door. Once there, he forced his knees to stop shaking, his vision to return to normal, and his bones to hold his frame. He would not allow Kurama to see his weakness.

Lifting his unbandaged hand, he pushed the door open.

* * *

And I want a moment to be real.
Wanna touch things I don't feel.
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
They don't know me,
Cause I'm not here.

* * *

Kurama was standing with his back to Hiei, at the counter, watching something odd—some kind of brown liquid dripping into a large, round, clear pot from a white thing. Next to the device sat a cup similar to the one in Kurama's bedroom upstairs.

“That's a weird contraption…” Hiei muttered, not even realizing he had spoken aloud until Kurama jumped and turned quickly.

The kitsune's eyes widened when he saw Hiei standing at the door, watching him. “Hiei, what are you doing down here?” he asked, sounding surprised but far from angry.

“I woke up and you were gone…” Hiei said rather stupidly, half of his mind being focused on staying up. “I came down to find you…” He pitched forward, fought to keep his balance, lost the battle, and fell into the table.

“Hiei, you shouldn't even be out of bed!” the fox scolded, but he was gently as he rushed over and helped Hiei into a chair.

“I'm fine,” Hiei snapped, forgetting who he was talking to.

* * *

And you see the things they never see.
All you wanted I could be.
Now you know me,
And I'm not afraid.

* * *

The hands on his shoulders left suddenly, and Hiei glanced up to see Kurama looking at him, hurt in his eyes. Hiei felt a sweep of guilt; it seemed that all he had been doing lately was hurting the one he loved. He wanted to apologize, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, he asked, very softly, “What are you making?” He hoped Kurama would be able to sense his feelings.

Evidently he did, because he smiled, though his eyes were still slightly pained, and said, “Coffee. Have you ever had it?”

“It's a ningen drink,” Hiei said simply.

Kurama shrugged. “Well, all the same, I think you'd like it,” he said, going back to the counter and picking up the pot. As he poured some of its contents into the cup, he said, “I was going to watch some TV. Do you want to join me?”

It was then that the thought that something was a little off crossed Hiei's mind. “What's TV?” he asked absently, trying to put his finger on the problem, so that he only half-heard the reply.

“It's kind of hard to explain, but it's something else I think you'll like. My favorite American show is coming on soon, and it's one I think you'll find rather amusing.”

“Well…all right.” I'd like to lie down, anyway…

It was as Kurama was helping him to the living room that Hiei realized what was up.

* * *

And I want to tell you who I am.
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me,
As long as I know who I am.

* * *

Kurama was being perfectly friendly, but…that was all it was. He was giving Hiei the sort of formality that he gave everyone…but didn't last night mean that Hiei wasn't just like everyone else?

The nagging doubt resurfaced, but Hiei put it from his mind and let Kurama settle him on the couch. Once he was comfortable, Kurama sat down next to him, and quieted his thoughts by pulling him close and holding him, flicking on the TV with the remote.

Hiei stared at the black square inside the gray box across the room suddenly flashed and showed…people. Sound burst forth from it, too. “What the…”

Kurama chuckled. “It's all right, Hiei, it's supposed to do that. Look, it's starting.”

So Hiei watched the moving pictures with Kurama, and soon he got the general idea of “television,” with some help. The story of this particular “show,” as Kurama called it, was about demons and humans, and how the demons attacked the humans a lot, but were stopped by a girl named “Buffy” who apparently died a lot while she saved the world, with the help of a strange group that Kurama referred to as the “Scooby gang.”

Now, there was a lot that Hiei found undeniably false in that show.

But Angel and Spike were hot.

* * *

About halfway through the episode, Kurama looked down and realized that Hiei was sound asleep, and it didn't look like he would be waking for a while. Carefully, Kurama slid off the couch, and crept into the kitchen to the phone. Picking it up, he hesitated for a moment, then dialed a number.

After a couple of rings, a sleepy voice mumbled, “Hello?”

“Kuwabara, were you still asleep? It's 12:30!”

“K'rama? Hi…”

“What were you doing in bed this late in the day?” Kurama whispered.

“Up all night…watching a Buffy marathon…why're you whispering?”

“There was a Buffy marathon? How come I didn't know there was a Buffy marathon?”

“I dunno…I repeat, why're you whispering?”

“Hiei's asleep in the next room.”

“What? Hiei's there?” Kuwabara yelped.

Kurama sighed, and sat down at the table. “Yes, he's here…”

“And from your tone he isn't too good.”

“He's been here for five days.”

Kuwabara yelped again. “And you've been letting us worry all this time? Why didn't you tell us?” he asked, a bit of anger creeping into his voice.

“It's not that simple.”

“And just what is so complicated about it, Kurama? He's our friend, too, you know!”

“Kuwabara, listen to me before you fly off the handle. Yes, I kept this from you, but…not deliberately! Honestly! I just…I was too busy trying to take care of him. He slept for three days, you know. He woke up yesterday. But…”

“He's depressed, isn't he?”

“Well…yes, but…that isn't all. He…”

“He's been cutting.”

It was not a question, and Kurama was taken aback. “Well…yes…but how…?”

“And when you found him, he had cut too deep and then gotten himself attacked.”

“Yes, and…”

“And you actually didn't want to call because you didn't know what to say?”

“How can you possibly know all that?” Kurama asked, amazed.

“Kurama, it doesn't take a genius. If it did I would be in the dark. His sister is dead.” Kuwabara's voice shook. “She was the last person he had, and he thought she died not even knowing it. It must have been horrible. And the day before he left, I noticed him favoring his arm a little. Then when he went `missing' my suspicions were confirmed.”

“Oh…and does…?”

“Yusuke doesn't know. I didn't want to tell anyone until I knew for sure it was the right thing. So…is it?”

“Is it what?”

“The right thing.”

Kurama sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face and through his hair, then dropped his arm back to the table. “I don't know,” he said, his voice cracking a little.

“Are you all right?” Kuwabara asked, and the question was voiced to gently, with such concern, that all thoughts Kurama may have had of lying flew out the window.

“I don't know. I…I don't think so.”

“Do you want to tell me what's wrong?”

“It's just…how could he do this?” Kurama asked, not even noticing his volume. “How could he try to kill himself? I can't understand how he could want to leave us so badly!” How he could want to leave me… “I feel so sorry for him, but…but I'm also…”

“Angry?”

“Yes! I'm furious with him!”

* * *

They can't tell me who to be,
Cause I'm not what they see.
Yeah, the world is still sleeping,

While I keep on dreaming for me.
And their words are just whispers and lies

That I'll never believe.

* * *

“I wasn't at all angry last night. I was just so glad he was all right. But…I spent all night dreaming about him dying, and I woke up so angry that I could barely see straight. What is wrong with me? I don't understand!”

“Well, do you know what you're angry about?” Kuwabara asked calmly.

“No! That's what I don't understand!”

“Well, when you woke up this morning, what was the first angry thought that came to your mind?”

Hiei listened carefully from the living room. Kurama had, apparently, forgotten that he was asleep, because he was using normal tones now, and it was easy to head him.

“I thought that…he was selfish,” Kurama said. “To take someone else away from us. To make us go through that pain again. I thought it was selfish and cruel and…and I keep wondering…was saving him even the right thing to do?”

* * *

I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here.
I'm the one
Cause I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.

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Sorry this took so long! I haven't had time to write a word in weeks! I'll try to get the next chapter up faster, I promise! But I also have my original to write, so this could take a while…

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Reviewers' comments:

Youko-Rose: Thanks for the review! Nice people always have me walking on air…and yes, there will be two more chapters after this one, maybe more but probably not. If you like shounen eye, could you please read and review my Fluff series? Please please please?

maliks-dragon: Thanks for the review and I should be thanking the readers, not the other way around!

Firedemonlover: Thanks for the review! I know, poor Hiei is going to snap under the weight of the world…

SitDog-Boy: Yeah, sure I'll kill Kuwabara…WHEN IT SNOWS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY IN FLORIDA! I'm sure you can kill him yourself…and while you're at it, why don't you just take the heart and soul out of the whole show? I WON'T KILL KUWA-CHAN! Other than that, thanks for the review!

inuyashapup: Thanks for the review! And I'll read your fic the second I have a free minute, but they don't come along often…cries

darknesspirals: Thanks for the review! And like I say a lot, my people NEVER stay in character…that's the best you can hope for…

KyoHana: Thanks for the review! And of course there's more to come! I love longer fics…

Kristin398: Thanks for the review! But it's not over yet…

Evene: It's all right, just thanks for taking the time to review this chapter! And…THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PUBLISHING COMMENT! My biggest dream is to publish a story…and it doesn't matter to me, I love to get anyone's opinion, but most of all NON-professional people.

Jessica: Thanks for the review!