Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ The Newlywed's Game: Special Edition One ❯ Episode One ( Chapter 1 )

Author's notes: Well, here it is, the obligatory newlyweds fic. I think there's a law that you can't call yourself a real fanfic writer until you do one of these. Or maybe these define the people who aren't good enough to write things that have a point. Itai. Hopefully this will manage to be original periodically. And, as a warning, this is about the spiciest thing I've ever written, so go easy on me. There may be references to characters from my War fic, but it won't be anything too essential. This is the yaoi edition, but I'd consider making a yuri or mixed one, if some suggestions for pairings were tossed out. YYH belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi/Shueisha, Studio Pierrot, and so on.

Warnings: Shonen ai, yaoi, spice. Pretty much cinnamon fluff. That's what they should have! Cinnamon flavor cotton candy! Erm. Anyway.

The Newlywed's Game: Special Edition
A Yu Yu Hakusho Fluff Fic by Kitsuneko

[The stage is decorated in a spring theme, with lots of pastel and flowers. There are two sofas in the center, with about two feet between them. One is pink and the other is blue, both pastel. Off-white pillows litter both. Off to the audience's left is a podium where the host can see both audience and contestants. Cheerful theme music blares and an announcer introduces the host.]

Announcer: Coming to you from sunny California, this is the Newlywed's Game! And here's your host, Kitsuneko!

[Kitsuneko walks on-stage to her podium. She's wearing a fitted, button down shirt in pale pink, with darker pink, purple, and gray pinstripes, and a pair of gray slacks. Her hair is tied back with a long pink ribbon.]

Kitsuneko [waving cheerfully]: Welcome, everyone! This is our special edition of the game, so get ready for a riot! Let's introduce our first couple. Coming to us from Japan are Urameshi Yusuke and Kuwabara Kazuma!

[Both boys walk on, grinning like lunatics. Yusuke is wearing a black tee shirt and jeans and Kuwabara has on a white tee and white slacks. They suddenly stop and look around the stage for a minute.]

Yusuke: Why's it so.... girlie in here?

Kitsu: Yeah, well, I think someone got the wrong week's design plan. Oh well! Please take a seat!

[Both look from one couch to the other, and simultaneously plop down on the blue one. Yusuke pokes at one of the pillows, which has tassel fringe around the edges.]

Kitsu: Right. Now lets meet our second couple, which came all the way from the Makai! Kurama and Hiei, come on out!

[Kurama comes out, with Hiei following reluctantly. Kurama is wearing his Chinese robes, white with the top in dark green and gold. Hiei is wearing... the only thing he ever wears: black tank top and pants, minus the cloak.]

Kitsu: Welcome to the show, you two! I hope your trip here was relaxing.

Hiei [disbelieving look]: It's the Makai.

Kurama: They have laws against relaxing trips.

Kitsu: Good point. Well, why don't you all tell us something about yourselves? Yusuke?

Yu: Right. I'm a spirit detective and the toughest guy in town, so don't mess with me.

Kitsu [half whispering]: Yusuke, don't threaten the audience. [at normal volume] Great. Kuwabara?

Kuwa: I am Kuwabara Kazuma, the ultimate man!

Kitsu [amidst assorted snickering]: Right. Kurama, a few words?

Kura: Certainly. I am Kurama, the former demon fox.

Kitsu: And Hiei?

Hiei: Hn.

Kitsu [sweatdropping]: Well, that was expressive. And audience, both couples have been married for three months. They had a joint ceremony together in December. Now, are you boys ready to get started? [general nodding] Okay, we just need the wives to go back stage now.

[Each member of the couple looks at their partner. Awkward silence follows.]

Hiei: Fox, don't make me hurt you.

Kura [quietly]: But Hiei, I don't think it's really honest to claim that I'm the nice, submissive, vocal wife...

Hiei: Baka fox! Be quiet and get back there!

Kura [pouting]: Oh, fine. Hmph. [stalks off]

Kuwa and Yu [staring each other down]: No way!

Yu: Kuwa, I can still beat you up. Now get your ass back there.

Kuwa: The great Kuwabara is *not* a woman! Besides, you're the one with longer hair.

Yu: What?!

Kitsu: Your demon form. It's true, you know.

Yu: That is not a good enough reason! [Notices Hiei snickering] Oh, you think this is funny?

Hiei: Of course, you fool.

Kitsu: Okay, that's enough of this fun and games. Kuwabara, just be nice and go back there. For my sake, okay?

Kuwa: Damn... Fine, to respect the wishes of the lady, I will. [exits]

Kitsu [waiting until he's gone]: Ha! Gets him every time!

Yu: You're really evil, you know that?

Kitsu [sounding amused and strangely dreamy]: Yeah... Onward! To our first question. ....I have no idea what it is.... [hunts around] Where's the question sheet?!

[Ippi, Kitsuneko's pet baby youkai comes skipping out, peacock tail trailing. She gleefully hands Kitsuneko a small pile of papers, then runs off.]

Kitsu: Ano... thank you. [shouts] And someone get Ippi backstage! I don't need her hearing this stuff!

Hiei: That bad?

Kitsu [deadpan]: Probably. Okay, first question. Yusuke, what would you say first attracted Kuwabara to you?

Yu: Uh... my astounding ability to beat him up time after time?

Kitsu: I think this is an abusive relationship... Hiei? What about you?

Hiei:... Kurama always says he loves my eyes, so that'll be my answer.

Kitsu: A safe way to guess. Next, your partner has just adopted a puppy. What will he name it? Hiei?

Hiei: Is it male or female?

Kitsu: Uh.... I don't know. Female, I guess.

Hiei: Probably some flower name. Something in Latin, that no one else can say.

Kitsu: Sounds like him. Yusuke?

Yu: Kuwa doesn't really like dogs that much. But if it's female, he'll probably come up with some weird, really girlie name.

Kitsu: And I'm sure he'll love the way you described it. What was the subject of your last conversation in bed?

Yu: What? That's a stupid question.

Kitsu: Well, I don't care. Answer it anyway.

Yu: Fine. [thinks] Probably something about our jobs.

Hiei: Ch'. That stupid fox gets to talking about gardening all the time.

Kitsu: I think it's a valid topic... Anyway. Complete this sentence: Your partner is the only one who can...

Yu: [whistles] We're skating on thin ice, lady. You're asking for dirty answers now.

Kitsu [evil eye]: No, hun, you'll know when we start asking for it.

Yu [scared]: Right... I guess he's the only one who can make orange hair look good.

Hiei: If that's what you call good.

Yu: Hey, shut it! What can fox boy do that's so great?

Hiei [snorts]: Did the idiot ever turn a daisy into a man-eating guard plant to keep the neighborhood dogs from digging up his garden?

Kitsu: Moving on! [looks at the question] Good, something that can't possibly be offensive! Does your lover sleep on his front, back, right side, or left side?

Hiei [with a lingering growl directed at Yusuke]: Left side.

Yu [with death glare]: Front.

Kitsu: This is going to be a long episode... Yusuke, finish this statement: "Since we got married, my lover doesn't blank like he used to."

Yu: He doesn't... try to fight me like he used to? At least, not quite as often.

Kitsu: Yep, definitely physically abusive. Hiei?

Hiei [confused]: He hasn't really changed. [counts on his fingers] He still teases me, he still cooks for me, he still harasses me... Oh! Got it. He doesn't leave the window open for me anymore.

Kitsu: Which could be attributed to the fact that you now live together officially.

Hiei: You want answers from me or not?

Kitsu [waving her hand at him in a Botan gesture]: Oh, calm down, honey. Hm, this is too much like the last one. Oh well, we'll go with it. What have you lost since you were married that your partner wishes you hadn't?

Hiei: Same answer as last time. Nothing's changed.

Kitsu: You people are boring. Yusuke, give me something good!

Yu [whispering nervously]: Does it count if you didn't exactly lose them accidentally?

Kitsu [blink]: Uh.... I guess.

Yu: His kitty slippers. [furtive glancing] I hid them.

Kitsu [trying really hard to not laugh]: He has... he... has kitty... [falls over laughing] Bwaaahahaa! I love this group! You're all nuttier than fruitcakes!

Hiei: Don't include me.

Kitsu: Oh, sure. As soon as we start talking to Kurama, we'll know the truth about you Hiei!

Hiei [grumbling]: Why did I agree to this?

Kitsu: No idea, but really glad you did. Moving on. What two things can he not do at the same time? Wow, we're really harping on the negative here. That shouldn't last too long.

Yu: Easy. He can't act cool and mellow.

Kitsu: That's one thing.

Yu: Fine, he can't be alive and act mellow.

Kitsu: I don't think I like you, Yusuke. Hiei, something nicer?

Hiei: Kurama can't cook and have the TV on at the same time. He forgets that the food is burning.

Kitsu: Well, I for one wasn't expecting that answer. Now then. Which comment has your partner heard least often in his life: you're so interesting, you're so funny, or you're such a good lover? Yusuke?

[Assorted sputtering]

Yu: Uh... you're so interesting, I guess, if you mean it in a nice sort of way.

Kitsu: Yes, well, I can only image how often other tones are used when calling him interesting. Hiei?

Hiei [completely serious]: Which lifetime?

Kitsu: Huh? Oh. Either one.

Hiei: Funny, then. His classmates tell him all the time he's interesting, and in his past life, half the Makai probably told him how good he was, so that's my answer.

Kitsu: Brilliant deduction. I'm impressed. [looks at the card, then does a double take] Oh.... this is gonna get ugly. You, uh, have to fill the blanks. "His ex-boyfriend's blank is bigger than mine, but my blank is bigger than his." [turning back to look at the audience and backstage] Anyone got a riot shield around?

Hiei: I guess Kuronue's... entire self is bigger than me and my weapon is bigger than his.

Kitsu [suggestively raising an eyebrow]: Is that so?

Hiei [flustered]: The sword, the sword, you stupid woman!

Kitsu: Uh-huh, sure. Yusuke?

Yu: He... doesn't have an ex-boyfriend. I don't think...

Hiei: Of course you don't.

Kitsu [cutting Yusuke off before he can object]: Okay, girlfriend then.

Yu: He doesn't have one of those either.

Kitsu: Okaaay.... fine. We'll just ignore that. Oi, this should get some interesting responses. What is the maximum number of people your lover has been naked with at the same time?

Yu [coughing]: Better be one!

Hiei: Like I said before, considering his past life, I don't want to think about it.

Kitsu: That might be a good call. Last question for you boys. What was the last thing your lover did that left you speechless?

Yu: Heh. He cooked this really big, fancy dinner for the two of us.

Kitsu: Aww... that's so sweet. I didn't know he could cook. How about you, Hiei?

Hiei [blushing]: I refuse to answer that question.

Kitsu: Ohoho! I see! Well, that's it for this section. After our commercial break, we'll bring out the um... wives and see how their answers match up!

[Small brussels sprouts with faces dance across the screen in rows, sashaying from side to side.]

Voice-over: Brussels sprouts! They're edible. [display bowl of cheerful sprouts with butter melting over them] They're an excellent cleaning product. [sprout is rubbed vigorously against a stain on a shirt] They even help with math homework! [sprout stands in front of a chalkboard with a pointer, complicated math problems are scrawled across it] Brussels sprouts! How can you live without them?

Kitsu: And we're back with The Newlywed's Game Special! Our two lovely... spouses, Kurama and Kuwabara, have joined us and are ready to compare their answers to their husbands'. Now, all these questions are worth three points each. Our first question was what they believe first attracted you to them? Kurama, what caught your attention?

Kura: Ah, easy. His gorgeous, ruby eyes.

Kitsu: Right-o! Kuwabara?

Kuwa: That look of fierce determination in his eyes.

Yu: My what?

Kitsu: Well, he said his ability to beat you up, and I'm going to say that's not a match.

Kuwa: Oh. That too.

Kitsu: Next, we asked what you would name your new pet puppy. We also determined that it would be female. Kuwabara?

Kuwa: Hm... don't like dogs that much but... well, something pretty.

Kitsu: That's a match, more or less.

Kuwa: Whaddaya mean, more or less?

Kitsu: Oh, well he said something weird and girlie.

Kuwa [smacks Yusuke upside the head]: Baka!

Yu [grinning]: Yeah, well, it happens.

Kitsu: Okay, Kurama?

Kura: Nepeta. It's the scientific name for the family catnip is in, you know.

Kitsu: Weird Latin is correct!

Kura [confused look]: Weird Latin?

Kitsu [ignoring him]: What was the subject of the last conversation you had in bed?

Kura: Our plans to go to the shrine sometime next week.

Hiei: What? All you ever talk about is plants!

Kura: That's not true! You obviously haven't been listening to me. [pouts]

Kitsu: Mo... Kuwabara?

Kuwa: Work, I guess.

Kitsu: Correct! We asked the boys to complete this sentence: Your partner is the only one who can...

Kuwa [turning red]: Ah! No hentai questions!

Kitsu: This isn't dirty! Yet... If you think it is, you're so on the wrong show. But come on, what's your answer?

Kuwa: I can... [flails] I don't know!

Hiei: Make a complete fool of yourself in two words or less?

Kuwa: Hey, shrimp, just lay off me!

Kitsu: Well, the answer was-

Yu: Don't say it!

Kitsu: Huh? Really, Yu-chan, you should have known better than to expect me to keep this quiet. He said you're the only one to make orange hair look good.

Kuwa: Oh. [long pause] I think I should be insulted somehow.

Kitsu: Don't worry, love. I feel like that all the time. Kurama, what's your talent?

Kura: Turning every plant I meet into a demon?

Kitsu: Yeah, that was pretty much it. I feel sorry for the dogs in your neighborhood. Now here's a nice, safe question. Do you sleep on your front, back, left side, or right side?

Kura: Left.

Kuwa: Back.

Yu: What? You sleep on your stomach all the time!

Kuwa: I do not! Who have you been sleeping with?

Yu: Erk. Never mind.

Kitsu: Well, that's three points for the demons... And I thought this was a dead giveaway. And it's just going to get worse. How would your lovers finish this statement about you: since we got married, my partner doesn't blank like he used to?

Kuwa: I don't... hm. I don't seem to get bumps and bruises like before.

Kitsu [flailing her arms]: This is just plain sad, you two! But I'm going to call it a match.

Yu: Well, you still get some. [suggestive smirk]

Kuwa [bright red]: Ah! She's gotten to you! No dirty thoughts!

Kura [leaning forward to look at Yusuke past a flailing Kuwabara]: How did you *ever* get him in bed?

Kitsu: Hey! Leave the questions to me! I'm sure we'll cover that eventually. Kurama, what's your answer?

Kura: Oh. Well, I can't really think of anything. But I don't think I tease him as much now.

Hiei [indignant]: What?! You tease me even more!

Kura: Well, what did you say?

Hiei: You don't leave the window open.

Kura [baffled]: We live together!

Kitsu: He was stuck for answers. But the questions just keep coming. Next one. What has your partner lost since you married that you wish he hadn't?

Kura [pissy]: Let me guess, my ability to open windows?

Hiei: Great, now you've got him in a huff.

Kitsu: It doesn't take much, does it? Actually, he said nothing had changed. [starting to snicker] But Yusuke had something to say. Kuwa, care to venture a guess?

Kuwa: I don't know. Some of his bad ass attitude of his.

Yu: You miss that?

Kuwa [shyly]: Sometimes...

Kitsu: I sense there will be a party tonight. But no, that wasn't his answer.

Yu: For the love of GOD, don't say it!

Kitsu [cat mouth]: Are your feet getting cold, Kuwabara?

Kuwa [blank look]: Are my.... MY SLIPPERS! I knew it! How could you, Yusuke?

Yu [cowering]: Ano... sorry, man. I'll, um, get them back to you!

Kuwa: You mean you know where they are?!

Yu: I'm gonna stop talking now.

Kitsu: Fat chance, around here. What two things can you not do at the same time? Kuwa-kun?

Kuwa: I can't laugh and breathe?

Kitsu: I can't tell if you thought these out ahead of time or if strange answers just come naturally to you. He said you can't act mellow.

Kuwa: While doing what?

Kitsu: Clever boy, that's what I asked. The answer is live.

Kuwa [punches Yusuke on the top of the head]: Jerk.

Kitsu: And Yusuke, I feel no pity for you at all. Kurama?

Kurama [embarrassed]: Cook while paying attention to something else.

Kitsu: Aw, it's okay, love. I do the same thing all the time. And it's correct. Which comment have you heard *least* often in your life: you're so interesting, you're so funny, or you're such a good lover?Kura [smiling]: Oh, you're going to get me in trouble. My answer is funny.

Kitsu: Aren't they all. Kuwabara?

Kuwa [blushing again]: The last one.

Hiei [muttering]: Good question.

Kura: What question?

Hiei: How'd he get him in bed.

Kura and Kitsu: Oh.

Kitsu: But it's not a match. He said interesting.

Kuwa: I'm not talking to you ever again.

Yu: What? It's not my fault! Who tells you that?

Kuwa: Yukina always said nice things to me...

Kitsu: Uh-oh. Looks like we'll actually have an answer for this next question. Your ex's blank is bigger than your spouse's, but his blank is bigger than your ex's.

Kuwa: Ha! Her heart is evidently much bigger than Urameshi's, and his mouth is certainly bigger than hers!

Yu [groaning]: Now he's back to using my family name. Damn, he's really pissed.

Kitsu: You deserve it! First the physical abuse, now emotional neglect! You're terrible! I swear, Yusuke-

Kura: Um, can I answer this question now?

Kitsu: Oh, right. Sorry, love.

Kura: Well, I'm assuming Hiei was thinking of Kuronue, so... Kuro, in general, is bigger then Hiei, but Hiei's sword is bigger.

Kitsu [feral grin]: In what sense?

Kura [returning the look, with a wink]: In every sense.

Hiei [flailing at Kurama, who's holding him back with a hand to his chest]: Stupid fox, be quiet!

Kitsu: Are you both completely abusive boyfriends?

Kuwa: No, they're abusive husbands.

Kitsu: Worse, ne? Well, we have another loaded question for you two. What is the maximum number of people you've been naked with at one time? Kurama?

Kura: Oh dear... give me a minute. [starts counting on his fingers]

Kitsu: Ano... this may take a while. Kuwabara, in the meantime, what's your answer?

Kuwa: *blushing* One, thank you very much.

[Kurama has now moved past both his own hands and Hiei's and is currently forcing audience members to help him.]

Kura: Just a minute more!

Kitsu: Kurama, honey, an estimate would do.

Kura: Well, I'm up to thirty-four, at the moment, but that's only counting the one's I can name.

Hiei [seething]: I told you I didn't want to know.

Kitsu: Um, for the sake of Hiei sanity and my stage's flammability, we're going to call this a match. I don't think *any* of us really wanted to hear this one.

Yu: Hey, I think you're giving them freebie points!

Kitsu: Oh, well, I'd give some to you, but I don't LIKE you right now!

Yu [muttering darkly]: This whole game is rigged, I know it.

Kitsu: Well, it doesn't matter: we're on our last question. What was the last thing you did that left your husband speechless?

Kuwa: Hmph! I fixed a really nice dinner for us, with music and candles and everything. It's a wonder he even managed to thank me, he was so speechless. [grumbles to himself]

Kitsu: Well, if it makes you feel better, that was indeed his answer. Kurama, dare I ask what you did?

Kura: You know, I can't even think of anything.

Hiei [boggling]: Fox, don't you remember [leans over to whisper in his ear, occasionally counting things off on his fingers and making expansive hand gestures]

[The audience boo's them and makes general, dissatisfied noises.]

Kitsu [to audience]: Ya lemon-hungry weasels.

Kura [blushing faintly]: Oh, that. I don't think we need to tell them about *that* experience.

Kitsu: And neither did Hiei, so it's a match.

Yu: What?! Just because Hiei won't ever give real answers, you take it as an invitation to mess with the scores! I hate this!

Kuwa: Good, then we're going to stay here.

Yu: What?

Kuwa: If you don't like it, I want to stay.

Yu: I hate you all.

Kitsu: We know. The feeling's mutual. Silly boy. Lets see. The scores are... [Ippi skips out again, handing her another card.] Okay, the scores are Yusuke and Kuwabara with... oh maya. Fifteen. And Hiei and Kurama have forty-five.

Yu: What?! That can't be right! We must of gotten more than that right!

Kuwa: Maybe if you weren't so mean all the time and actually knew something about me...

Yu: I know plenty about you!

Kitsu: Evidently not. But you still have a chance to catch up tomorrow.

Yu: Fine. Tonight, I'm finding out everything there is to know about you.

Kura: Oh well, this leaves us free to have some fun.

Kitsu: Right! Well, tomorrow we continue our special edition of the Newlywed's Game and see if Kuwabara and Yusuke can catch up, despite the demons' astounding lead. Until then, this is Kitsuneko, wishing you love and foxes! Oyasumi nasai, everyone!

Author's Notes II: Yep, it's two part-er. Gomen nasai! It was either split it up or never ever get it finished. It's surprisingly daunting, trying to write this thing. Hopefully, it won't take me two long to write the second part. It took me a full month of writing just to get this one out. Bad me. Oh, and if anyone has suggestions for other pairs to use in a second edition, please tell me!