Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ The Shadows That Haunt Us... ❯ The Shadows That Haunt Us... ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Kiru

Kiru's memories of torture are driving her insane. Can Hiei save his lover before it's too late? Rated for adult themes and language. Songfic to "With You" by Linkin Park. Part of the Relations Series.

Anime/Manga: Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 06.15.2004 | Pages: 11 | Words: 6.6K | Visits: 399 | Status: Completed

The Shadows That Haunt Us…

A songfic on Linkin Park's `With You'

If you want to hear the song, it is track 11 on Linkin Park's Reanimation CD. The original song is track 3 on Hybrid Theory

Note: This takes place between the events of Unpaid Vengeance and "Don't Catch Me."

Song lyrics are in - sections --

Thoughts are in these thingies <…>

Come on…!

The alarm clock next to the bed rings in a call for Kiru to awaken. Hitting the snooze button for her sleeping husband, she slides out of bed and lazily stretches the stiffness from her arms. Then she draws her arms back in and shivered. <It's cold in here!! >

She hops off the bed and quickly runs for her slippers, the floor is freezing!!

I woke up in a dream today, to the cold of the static, and put my cold feet on the floor.

<Damn, the floor was never this cold at home…>

Kiru pauses in front of the thermostat in the hallway as she remembers that she has to act as if nothing ever happened. She sighs and shoves the little plastic thing to a higher temperature to warm up the wing of Mukuro's palace.

After that day three weeks ago, when she regained her memories of what had happened to her prior to when Ryudo had stolen her memories with the dragon's bind, she didn't think she could ever be the same. She pushes those memories to the back of her head, and desperately wishes them away. What she needs is a day totally free of reminders of her past- either that or a long trip to a bar. She knows crying didn't help- she had tried that for the last few night before she went to sleep.

Forgot all about yesterday, remembering I'm pretending to be who I'm not anymore.

Hiei groans and shifts in bed, glaring at that damned alarm clock on the side of the bed.

`Kiru!' he calls, causing her to pop her head into the room and blink questioningly, `Why the hell didn't you remember to turn this thing off?! I would think you would want to sleep late considering the headache that overdose of memories probably gave you!'

Kiru's brow wrinkles and she lowers her eyelashes. She mumbles an apology before a sniffle slips out and she hurries away, closing the bedroom door behind her.

Just then, Hiei remembers Kiru's `condition.' He closes his eyes, `Shit,' and sighs, pushing the button to turn the infernal thing off before bashing the back of his idiot head on the headboard. <Idiot, idiot, idiot! > That was the third time he had made her cry in as many days, yet she still acted as if nothing happened. `Damn it…'

A little taste of hypocrisy, and I'm left of the wake of the mistake, slow to react.

Hiei slips out of the bed and walks over to the closed door, pulling it open and walking down the hall to see Kiru curled on the couch, her face buried in her arms.

`Kiru…' he says, approaching slowly, as one would a frightened deer, `I'm sorry.' Her head snaps up to stare at him and he holds out his arms as if to beckon her into them. Her tear-stained face gazes up at him for a moment, her gaze untrusting and hesitant. Then she sniffles and gets up, quickly blurring past him and into the bathroom.

He follows her to the closed door and hears her turn on the water. Then he hears her crying over the rush of water, `Kiru…'

Hiei felt horrible, not even he- who was supposed to be her other half- could sense what she needed anymore. Not only that but he was the cause of most of her tears recently. He silently curses himself as he leans against the door.

Kiru was so close to him, he could hug and comfort her with his words- if she let him- but somehow he knew he might as well not be there, for all the good and ill effect it was having on his lover.

Hiei knows he needs to bring her back to him, gain her trust again, but nothing he tries works. All everything he tried did was make it worse.

Even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant, and I can't bring you back…

Kiru controls her sobs as she stops the water pouring into the porcelain bathtub. She pulls off her robe and sinks into the deep tub up to her neck, leaning her head back on the rim.

She closes her eyes in an attempt to control her breathing, but all that brought her was another flood of tears. For every time she closes her eyes, Ryudo is there. His voice, his face, his bearing…all of them permanently etched into her mind's eye. And as much as she didn't want to admit it, she wasn't strong enough not to be affected by them.

It's true the way I feel, was promised by your face.

The sound of your voice, painted on my memories…

Kiru knows that she will never rid herself of the feeling of being tortured and tricked by that scumbag, no matter how much time passes. She feels a slight twinge of pain from her arm and looks at it, seeing the scars fading there thanks to Yukina's memory of healing techniques. <Too bad memories can't fade like these scars…>

She is grateful to her sister-and-law for all she is doing to eliminate those scars; it was one more way to rid herself of him.

Extending her ki around gently, she feels Hiei's ki outside the door. She knows he wants to help her deal with her new memories and help her put them behind her. What he doesn't realize though, is that she needs to deal with a more pressing problem before confronting her new ones…

She needs to rid herself of the invisible `filth' left on her from Ryudo.

Even if you're not with me, I'm with you…

You, now I see, keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

With you…

You, now I see keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

Later that day, Kiru takes a walk out in the gardens. For a reason she now knows, the flowers that grow there- black Makai roses- always comfort her. She picks one, and holds it to her nose, breathing in its scent as she remembers a new memory- a happy one.

Her father had grown black roses, and had loved to fill her room with them. She smiles and laughs happily as she remembers the time he had filled the pool with petals.

`Guess you're feeling better,' Hiei says, surprising her as he walks up behind her.

`Hiei!' she cries, `Don't sneak up on me like that!!'

`Why not, do you meet a lover here or something? Nice spot for it, I think.' At Kiru's shocked and betrayed look, he adds with a licentious grin, `How about a threesome?'

She slaps him in a very Keiko-like fashion. `Hentai!' she growls.

But Hiei doesn't take it like Yusuke does, he rubs his cheek lightly then returns the favor with a backhanded slap, sending Kiru to the ground with a cry.

`You jerk that hurt!!' she pushes herself up and glares at him, hand on her cheek, fire burning in her teary eyes.

He pounces on her and growls, `And you think that little slap didn't hurt, honey?' He grabs one of her hanging locks and pulls on it, pulling her face close to his, `Maybe we just need to kiss those boo-boos away…'

Hiei captures her lips in a fierce kiss, then picks her up and brings her back to their bedroom.

Hit you and you hit me back, and we fall to the floor; the rest of the day stands still.

They continue their kiss throughout the walk, then Hiei breaks it to dump her on the bed.

He smiles, seeing Kiru's grin flash as she opens her arms to him. He growls again and slowly covers her with his body. He kisses her again, drugging Kiru in a sensual haze.

But when Hiei settles himself between her legs and pulls her wrists up to be held captive above her head, Kiru's mind immediately snaps back to the past and reminds her of Yoh's rape. Her breathing becomes erratic and her eyes widen in fear.

Hiei senses this and pulls back, `Kiru…what?' He immediately lets go of her wrists and eases himself off of her. <What happened to her? Why did she panic? >

`N-nothing!' she denies, searching for a way around telling her husband about her rape. Her breathing accelerated again after the word `rape' ran through her mind. She could feel it, Yoh over her…forcing himself into her… `No…!' she whispered, drawing Hiei's confused gaze. <It didn't happen, it was just a bad dream…I must put it behind me…> If she told Hiei, she would have to admit to herself that it did happen.

`I…I just…remembered I… promised to have tea with Yukina, that's all!!' She quickly excuses herself, and runs out of the room, leaving Hiei to work out his confusion on her odd behavior.

Fine line between this and that, but when things go wrong, I pretend the past isn't real.

Hiei groans and buries his hands in his spiky hair. <What did I do this time…? >

He wracks his brain for anything relating to the happenings immediately before his lover freaked out. < Let's see… she was okay with the kissing, and the physical contact…> Then it hit him, <The position! But that would have to mean…>

Hiei clenches his fist as he remembers how both his sister and Mukuro hinted around the fact that Kiru was raped during her time with Ryudo, but his dense head hadn't been able to process that until he connected it with other facts. Yoh's face flashed in his mind and he instantly knew it had been him that gave his lover that shameful torture.

Hiei groans again and falls back onto his pillows. <I must have reminded her of the rape…>

`ARRGH!'

Now we're trapped in this memory, and I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react.

Even though you're close to me, you're still so distant, and I can't bring you back…

Kiru runs back to the garden, running past Yukina and Mukuro, who were heading to see her with their afternoon tea.

`Oh!' Yukina quickly rebalances the tray after almost dropping it. `Was that a bruise on Kiru-chan's face?' Yukina asks Mukuro as they stare after the fleeing demoness.

`I don't know…' Mukuro says, looking worriedly after her, `Let's go see Hiei, chances are he's around here somewhere…'

Kiru locks the doors leading from the interior of the palace to the garden, needing to be alone. <No one can help me…they don't understand…> She knows she needs to rid herself of these memories before she goes insane.

She can hear him in her head, laughing. She can see him, pointing at her and waving around his accursed dagger… `You thought you could escape me…but I'll always be here…'

She feels dizzy, her heart is pounding in her ears and she feels clammy. Her breathing erratic and too rapid, she walks a few steps before falling to her knees and clutching her hair in hands.

`Get out of my head!!!'

`…And she just ran past,' Yukina recounts their encounter with Kiru.

`What happened?' Mukuro asks, eyeing the fading red mark on Hiei's face, `You two have a fight or something?'

`Sort of,' Hiei says, staring out the window. `It's my fault, I didn't get your hint about how she was…raped…and I guess I reminded her of it.' He tells them about how he had held her in a position similar to the one the straps on the table she had been imprisoned on were placed- hands above her head and legs apart.

Mukuro looks at the ground, `I'm afraid of what she might do next…'

Yukina looks at her friend, and at her brother staring out the window, `Maybe…she needs professional help. Kazuma told me about some special hospitals before he left…'

`No!' Hiei hisses, scaring Yukina slightly. `I don't want her penned up again, that'll hurt more than it'll help.' He bows his head into his hands, groaning, `I just don't know what to do anymore…'

`Maybe she just needs time,' Mukuro offers, `Maybe she'll be fine-'

Just then, they hear her cry from outside, `Get out of my head!!!'

It's true the way I feel, was promised by your face.

The sound of your voice, painted on my memories…

Even if you're not with me, I'm with you…

You, now I see, keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

With you…

You, now I see keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

Rushing out to the courtyard where the cry had originated, Hiei grabs the handle to the sliding door, intending to pull it open, but finds it to be locked tightly. `K'so! Kiru!'

When he gets no response, he blurs to the opposite side and tries that door, meeting the same results. `Fuck…' <Now what…? >

`The roof!' Mukuro calls, after seeing the doors were locked.

He dashes out a window and jumps onto the roof, aiming to jump down into the courtyard, but is stopped by the scene in front of him.

Kiru is clutching her head in her hands, seemingly in pain or disturbed by something.

She screams, `Get out!! I won't let you rule my life anymore!!'

Kiru can see them, all of them in her head- Taki, Yoh, Ryudo, all of them laughing.

`Look, it's the little slut,' Yoh taunts, `How about another round?' He pats his bulging groin.

`Beg him for a good time, little whore, ' Taki commands, `Now kneel down and obey like the good little bitch you are!'

`You can't forget us,' Ryudo sneers, `Forgetting us means confronting your past. You can't do it, and you know it, you little coward. We'll rule you for the rest of your life and that's the way you need it.'

`NO! Get out!! I won't let you rule my life anymore!!' Kiru screams, `You've given me one too many commands!! I won't let you get in the way of my life! I have to go on and confront what I have to, no matter how bad it may be!!'

Taki and Yoh disappear from her mind. < Two down…>

No…

I won't let you control my fate while I'm holding the weight of the world on my conscience.

`I won't let you drive me out of my mind!' Kiru screeches.

Hiei shakes himself out of his stupor and jumps down, `Kiru!'

She looks at him, `Look, you've made me look crazy! Get out of my head, Ryudo!!'

`Kiru, what's wrong!!?'

No…

I won't just sit here and wait while you wear your options; you're making a fool of me.

`Then prove it, slut. Prove you can face your past! Prove that you don't care what happens to you when you face what you forgot.'

Kiru remains silent, while Hiei continues to try and rouse her from her fixation with her mental battle.

`Prove that you won't be joining me in hell yet, coward!'

`Stop it…' Kiru whispers.

`You can't, can you? You know you can't face the unknown unafraid. You would rather die before you see what you have done!!' Ryudo's voice mocks her.

`Stop it…' she says, slightly louder this time.

No…

You didn't dare try to say that you don't care, and solemnly swear not to follow me there.

`Kiru, please!' Hiei begs his lover, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to look into his eyes, `Let me in! I won't let you face it alone!!'

`Hiei…' she whispers, her eyes wide, `I can't…'

`Kiru!' he scolds, `I won't let him take you from me again!'

`But he knows…'

No…

It ain't like me to beg on my knees; oh please, oh baby please, that's not how I'm doing things.

`I don't care what you did in the past, Kiru! I love you and I always will!'

Kiru stared on in astonishment as he elaborated, `I could never be angry at you, you make me whole Kiru. For all I care, you could have killed an entire race and I would still see you as the most wonderful thing to ever come into my life!! Fuck whatever happened to you in the past! I know about the rape Kiru, and I don't care!'

`But…I…'

`Kiru, that scum can never touch you! My love will always protect you from it! I love you so much it hurts, don't you know that!? Now listen to me, and let me help!!'

No…

No I'm not upset. No, I'm not angry. I know love is love, love, but sometimes it pains me.

`You are mine, do you hear me?!' Hiei shouts, `And whether you like it or not, I will always be there. I'll be there because I love you, not because of some sick, twisted memory! Ryudo can be forgotten because all he did was hurt you!'

`No, I'll always be here. You know that, slut!' Ryudo shouts back.

`No…' Kiru says.

`Yes!' Hiei says, `Fuck whatever the hell Ryudo wants you to do! He controlled you for a long time, and you've finally broken free! I won't let him take you, you are mine, and I intend to keep you with me for a long time!! He's dead Kiru, you killed him yourself! Once you see that, you'll see you're free!'

No…

With or without you, I'll always be with you. You'll never forget me. I'm keeping you with me.

`Hiei…' realization dawns in Kiru's mind.

`You can never let go!' Ryudo screams, `You need me!'

`No!' she screams right back, `I won't let you torture me any longer! You are dead! You always were dead as far as I cared! I won't let a scumbag like you fuck with my life! You may think you have scarred my soul, but I'm stronger than that!'

No…

I won't let you take me to the end of my rope while you're burning and torturing my soul.

`And I have Hiei to help me, to lend me what I need.'

Hiei smiles.

`You're mine Kiru! Mine to do what I please with!' Ryudo shouts.

`NO! I'm not yours to control anymore!!'

No…

No, I'm not your puppet.

`You cannot have my soul, you fucking bastard! Get the fuck outta my head!!'

`I won't let you go!!!' Ryudo shouts and throws his dagger at her.

`No!' Kiru screams before becoming silent.

And no…no…no…

I won't let you go!

Hiei looks on in astonishment. < Is it over…? Did she do it? >

`Kiru?' he asks gently as he releases her shoulders. `Kiru?' he touches her face gently. She looks up at him with a small smile.

`Thank…you…' she whispers gently before swaying and falling into unconsciousness.

`KIRU!!'

No…

Hiei catches her before she hits the ground and quickly jumps the roof, bringing her back inside to be tended by Yukina.

`She's fine Hiei,' Yukina assures her, `She's just tired.'

He releases a sigh of relief, <She was just exhausted…Thank Kami…>

`What the hell happened out there?' Mukuro asks him.

`She did it. She got him out of her head.'

The two look after him in confusion as he picks up his wife and carries her to their bed. He covers her with a sheet and kisses her forehead gently, thanking Enma that he would see another day with his love.

No matter how far we've come, I can't wait to see tomorrow.

No matter how far we've come, I…I can't wait to see tomorrow…with you…

Kiru felt Hiei gently kiss her, smiling gently.

She was wrong, keeping it to herself got her more trouble than letting it out did.

She could finally rest without seeing Ryudo's face, now she saw someone else…

She now saw Hiei- her love, her light in the darkness.

And that would be her secret to keep inside, that Hiei wasn't all the black sheep he seemed, No. In fact, he was her dark knight.

And now she could see, she could face anything with him at her side.

You, now I see, keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

With you…

You, now I see, keeping everything inside.

With you…

You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.