Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ This Is Love and I Must Put My Heart to Sleep ❯ Only Happy When it Rains ( Chapter 1 )

Lyrics: "Only Happy When it Rains," by Garbage

Characters: Hiei and Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai. That's it. No yaoi. No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners. Don't own 'em, don't own much else either so it does no good to sue.

~Hiei's POV~

I'm only happy when it rains

He had always hated the rain, before. Bad enough when you had to sleep outside that you should end up cold and wet, but the rain also washed away scents and muffled sounds, so it was easier for him to be snuck up on. He never used to sleep on rainy nights. But now, those seemed to be the only nights he did sleep soundly.

I'm only happy when it's complicated

Before he met that damned youko, his life had been simple: kill, eat, sleep, fight, kill some more. Now things were complex. But, in his old life, while he had sometimes slept, he never rested.

And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains

Rainy nights were the only nights he could just rest. So, as much as he hated the rain for forcing him to rely on anyone else, it was still one of the only times he could relax. It was the closest he'd been to being happy (not that he'd ever admit that, even to himself).

You know I love it when the news is bad

He remembered the first time he went to the kitsune's house. It had been raining, and he'd been injured enough to want to take him up on his offer of shelter. He convinced himself that his only reasons for being there were his injuries and the weather. And those were the same reasons he kept going back: either he'd been injured enough that he would have to spend the night fighting off predators, or the weather was unpleasant enough that he would tolerate company for the night. He suddenly realized that he only went to his friend with bad news.

And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

Friend? Were they friends? He thought about it. Strange as the thought was, he guessed that he was friends with the fox. Hn. Friends. While the thought of having friends may be pleasant to most, to him it was almost painful. It saddened him to think that he couldn't openly return that friendship, couldn't allow anyone to become a potential hostage against him.

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

He accepted unhappiness as his lot in life. After all, that's how it had always been.

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong

He'd started to get sloppier in his fighting. He noticed that he was becoming injured more often. Not mortal injuries, but badly enough that he would allow the youko to bandage him up. *Maybe,* a small part of his brain wondered, *you're doing it on purpose, giving yourself an excuse?*

I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

His world was not sweetness and light. He knew that his world was dominated by sadness and pain. But lately, on rainy nights, the pain diminished…practically disappeared.

I only smile in the dark

He didn't wear his emotions on his sleeve like the fox did. The only times he smiled or cried was when he knew he couldn't be seen.

My only comfort is the night gone black

In the darkness, with the rain pounding outside the window, he felt…secure. He listened to the fox's breathing in the bed, and, certain he was asleep, he said "Thanks, fox."

I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains

He couldn't say anything more. Wouldn't admit to anything beyond mild gratitude. He refused to make the kitsune any more of a target than he already was. So he kept tight control of himself and never let anything slip. He just silently rested in the kitsune's presence, a deliberate display of trust that he doubted was even noticed.

You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

"You worry too much, kitsune." "Leave it be, I'm fine." "Go to sleep, fox." He never said what was really on his mind. He always said things that would keep his friend at arm's length. His words said that he was annoyed at the attention paid to him, though lately his tone had belied his harsh words. As time passed, and he became more uncomfortable with the growing feelings he was having, his complaints got more frequent, but lost their rancor.

Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down

He deserved unhappiness. Cursed from birth, he became dark and cold to survive. He did not do the things he did because he enjoyed them, but simply because that was how he had learned to live…no, not live. He survived, but for most of his life he had not really lived. Not until he found those who were willing to trust him. In his life he had gained fear and respect for his ruthlessness…but it wasn't until the kitsune and (to a lesser extent) those fool ningens that he had found trust.

But with that trust came a new kind of pain. He had never before needed to concern himself with anyone besides his sister…and he only needed watch her from afar. He never concerned himself with others thoughts of him. But now, now he struggled against the feelings growing in him. Now thoughts of his kitsune brought a pleasant ache that he couldn't put a name to.

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care

It disturbed him on a very deep level to think that someone might care for him. The others should think of him as a fighting partner, nothing more. That way, he couldn't let them down. Yeah, and if he kept telling himself that, he might actually get to believing it.

I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession?

He found his thoughts turning to his fox with alarming frequency. At first, it was just the occasional stray reflection. But as time passed, his mind brought forth images of emerald eyes and red hair at increasingly inopportune moments. Even when he fought, there was a lingering thought of his kitsune in the back of his mind. He was lucky the distraction hadn't killed him yet.

I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)

He had tried to harden his heart. To wrap himself in the cold dark demeanor that had always protected him. But his armor was cracked, and his fox and worked his way into his soul. One part of him mourned the loss of his independence, for he realized he could no longer turn his back on his fox. He couldn't leave, couldn't disappear as he had done in the past. Even as he took comfort in the familiarity of his unhappiness, he resigned himself to enjoying rainy nights with his fox.

AN: Well, there's the first chapter. I would love reviews on this, but I'm not going to insist on them to continue. The rest of the story's begging to be told, so it will get posted anyway. Thanks for your time! - Sister Raven Dreamer