Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Thoughts ❯ Ichi ( One-Shot )
Why?
Why does Fate torture me so?
I searched my whole life for you
I endured the pain
The sorrow
The…
Everything.
And then I found you.
And what did I do?
What did I say to you?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
It wasn't my choice
Believe me
If it was, I would've told you
The moment I met you
But I couldn't.
I can't…
Ever…
I can never tell you
What you want to hear
I can only strive
To make you happy…
I know no happiness.
Happiness for me
Exists only within you.
But…
That look in your eyes…
If only I could erase
That awful look in your eyes
When you talk
About him…
Him.
Your brother.
Your brother…
If only you knew.
If only I could tell you…
If only…
Hn.
That seems to be a recurring theme.
"If only."
But my life
Is one disastrous recurring theme
After another
Isn't it?
I lose the people
I care most about
In some cases, even before
I have a chance
To care about them…
And when I do get a chance
To say what I feel
What do I say?
"Hn."
And the one exception…
The one person
I wish I could actually talk to
Is beyond my grasp…
Now and forever…
What I would give
To make you happy
To see you smile
And call me "brother…"
But you can't.
I can't…
I wish I could tell you
What you want to hear
That I'm your brother
That you're my sister
But I can't.
Not now, not ever
And it pains me to see you
Searching for him.
Him…
If only you knew that he is me
That you can stop searching
That you can stop wondering…
Worrying…
I know.
I don't have
To keep searching for you
Because I've already found you
But…
I can never tell you.
I wish that I could
Oh, I wish
I wish…
I wish I may…
I wish I mi-
Hn.
Stupid ningen song.
I never used to know
Why I kept coming back
To this stupid world.
And then I realized…
It was you.
You were the only reason
I returned
Time and time again
To this stupid world of stupid humans.
Noisy humans…
Noisy, red-haired humans…
Noisy, stupid, red-haired-
Hn.
Him again.
He can't even leave my thoughts alone
He lives to torment me, I swear
But he might not…
If even he knew…
But he doesn't.
Case in point:
He is stupid.
But not to you…
You like him (though I can't see why)
And he likes you…
Being with him makes you happy
You know how I feel when you're happy…
No.
You don't know.
You can't…
If only you did…
You would stop torturing yourself
With horrible questions
Like "Does my brother even care?"
"Does it matter to him that we were separated?"
"Does he know about me?"
"Has he found me, and just doesn't care?"
"Is he even alive?"
Yes! I want to say
Yes, I'm alive, and I care about you!
But I can't say it
Because I can't tell you…
I can never tell you
Not now, not ever
And it pains me to see you
Searching for him.
Him…
If you only knew that he is me
That you-
Hn.
Great.
My thoughts are going in circles.
A sure sign that I should start thinking about something else.
But it's not so easy…
When you're so close to me…
And still so far away.
I get the feeling
That Fate
Has a very warped and sadistic
Sense of humor…
Ah.
We're back to her, are we?
Fate.
Fate
The Tormentor…
Fate
The Comedian…
Fate…
The Bitch.
You can't escape Fate
Someone once told me
For when you try to escape Fate
It is Fate.
I don't know about him, but I choose my path in life
Not some sadistic bitch
With an acute taste for irony
Who never wants me to tell you
The one thing
You wish to hear…
The one thing
That would make you so happy…
That would make your eyes light up…
But I can't tell you.
Because of one little promise…
Oh, yes.
The promise.
That stupid little promise
In which I skewered all hope
Of you finding your brother
Of you finding me…
Of me finding you…
It was an ingenious plan.
I would be able to find you
But not to tell you
Which defeated the purpose
Of me searching for you
In the first place.
Almost…
It almost defeated the purpose…
But…
I could still find you
Even if I couldn't tell you
I had found you
I could at least know where you were
And if you were safe
And I could watch over you
From the shadows.
From the shadows…
Always the shadows.
I am always in the shadows.
Always moving
Always running
But from what?
You?
No, not you
Never you
You are so innocent…
And I am…
The exact opposite.
That's why I keep running.
I run from myself
Or try to, at least
I don't deserve you
I don't deserve
To have a sister like you
Who's so kind
And caring
And so opposite
Of me…
So, I keep running.
But I watch over you
While I run
I'll always watch over you
Like the brother I should be
Like the brother
I should have been
All along
But wasn't.
You are so kind to me
And I am so undeserving
"Have you found him yet?" you ask
"Have you found my brother?"
No, I have to say
I haven't found him
But I'll keep looking
And each time you ask
You look up at me with those trusting eyes
And I have to lie
I have to look you in the eyes
And lie to you
You wouldn't believe
How much that hurts…
Every time you ask me that question
It's a knife in my heart
And each time I say no
You look so sad…
And inadvertently
You twist the knife…
Don't get me wrong
I don't blame you
For the pain I cause myself.
I wish I could tell you
That I've found your brother
That I am your brother
But I can't
Because if I tell you
I break my promise
And the consequences
Of breaking that promise
Are far too great.
For if I die now
While I'm not your brother
Just me
You can still hope
To find him.
But if I tell you…
And the repercussions
Of that twisted promise
Come back for me…
Then you will never have a brother
And I can't let that happen.
So no matter how much it pains me
I have to keep lying…
But I'll never let anything happen to you
I'll always keep watch over you
And protect you
Even if it has to be
From the shadows.
Keep in mind
That whenever you feel lonely
Or scared…
Your brother loves you
And will always protect you.
Keep this in mind, also…
Your brother
Is much closer
Than you may have thought,
Yukina…
Owari