Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part III ( Chapter 21 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Ho hum. First day of college. Can't say it was particularly enlightening. All of my classes are total bores, except for government, which I'm hoping will at least be interesting because of the election, but whatever. Books are a pain and soooo expensive. I can't believe I'm paying for them. Ridiculous to spend that much on a bunch of paper. Unless it's really good, which these definitely are not.

Anyway, just thought I'd share a little something my sister found when looking up crossovers, cause she likes to read them. One story listed itself as having an unlikely pairing. They'd be very right. Can you imagine - Kuwabara and Tea (from Yu-gi-oh)?! I mean, I guess they're kind've suited, but imagine their kids!! The collected ditziness coming from them…(shudders), and the weird values! It'd be "I can't hit girls, especially if they're my friends!" or "friends don't let friends hit girls". Oh my goodness! I about died laughing! I haven't read it, so maybe it's really good, but just (dissolves into laughter again) The mental picture is too much!

Anyway, to commemorate my totally horrible first day in college (I got soaked because it was raining and I forgot to bring an umbrella) here's the next chapter of WFTA, slightly longer than usual. Enjoy!! :)

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Chapter 21

Rewind:

Hiei: (tensing)

Kurama: (grabbing rope and Hiei) Uh, Botan? I'd say it's best to continue with the songs.

Play:

Botan: (wringing her hands) But Hiei sings the next lines!

Kurama: (looking at the angry Hiei) [an: I'd say crazy Hiei, but that's a slightly more wild state.] Maybe you should skip it…

Hiei: (irate) Let me go, fox! I'm going to kill that brat!

Koenma: O.O You can't! Uh, um, uh, hum…oh! I haven't revised my will yet!

George: …sir, couldn't you just threaten him with spirit prison like you always do?

Koenma: (turning to George) Look, if your life was being threatened, you'd be a little bit panicked as well!

Yusuke: (smirking) Whatever, let's just move on, shall we?

The cast is suddenly thrown into a state of high nervousness, as Yusuke has never before encouraged a play like this. After a moment of furious reading, excluding Hiei, who has yet to retrieve a new script from the pile, realization dawns as to why Botan was so reluctant to move on with the singing. Grumbling, three people, dressed in blue, red, and lime green, line up near Hiei, who watches them with wary eyes. After a moment they begin to sing, with Yusuke stifling laughter behind them. Kurama appears to watch with an enlarging sweatdrop as the song continues.

Botan, Keiko, Flyr: (singing unwillingly) Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy.

Keiko: (gags)

Hiei: (suspicious)

BKF: (singing) Monsieur Hiei, oh he's so cute.

Hiei: O.O

Yusuke: (unable to hold it back anymore) Bwhahahahaha!

Kuwabara: (finally finished backstage) Hang on, they think the shrimp is cute?!! I'd say he's just a bit ugly…

Hiei: (glaring, yet blushing at the same time [an: that is a bit hard to do]) Look in a mirror, buffoon!

BKF: (singing) Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing.

Flyr: (muttering) From embarrassment.

Keiko: (nods and glares at Yusuke, who's dying on the floor)

Botan: (sighs) -.-

BKF: (singing final line with relief) He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute.

Hiei: O.o

Yusuke: (gasping) Oh, that's great! Hiei's a - a hea - heartthrob! Bwahahahahahaha!

Keiko: (flames spouting) YUSUKE!! Stop that!!

Kuwabara: (confused) I'm not sure they have the right person. Only two of those descriptions fit…

Botan: (confused) I thought three did?

Hiei: (growling) Only tall fits for you.

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Why would they admire a brute? That's not a good trait.

Youko: (internally) Why would ladies flock to a thief? (smirks) Because I'm hot, that's why!

Kurama: (internally; sighs) I thought we had finished this.

Koenma: (smirking evilly) [an: I didn't know he had it in him!] Serves Hiei right. Anyways, move on!

Yukina: (smiling) Come on, Touya.

Keiko: …Yukina, that sheep's not yours. You can't take it home.

Yukina: (bewildered) But, it's such a nice sheep. And Touya said he didn't mind.

Touya: (barely holding back smile from ruining his stoic façade) Baa.

Jin: (eyebrow up) Ya can speak, lad.

Touya: (calmly) I know, but Yukina says I'm supposed to be a sheep.

Kuwabara: (sputtering) But, my cream pie, my solar sensation, my pina colada creation! Why do you need a sheep?

Yusuke: …okay, now you've gone to far! You can't bring drinks into this, man! I actually like those!

Yukina: (smiling) Because it's cute.

Touya: (smirking) Baa.

Kuwabara: (popping a gasket) That's it, ice guy! You're going down!

Hiei: (finding a new target for his anger) Not before you, baka. I DEFINITELY don't approve of you going after my sister!

As the set seems about to dissolve into violence, Kurama, Keiko, and Botan come to the collective decision to continue the play to the best of their ability in order to stave off the inevitable. They start singing, slightly desperate, among very confused companions.

Kurama: (in Hiei's ear) Bonjour!

Hiei: (grabbing ear) Watch what you're doing, fox!

Botan: Good day!

Keiko: Mais oui!

Everyone: …

Botan: Um, what?

Keiko: (rolls eyes) Man! Haven't any of you taken French?

Yusuke: (happily) Nope! [an: me neither. Just Spanish. That looks like maize to me, which would be corn…Hm.]

Chu: (waking up) Ah, sheila, that was a good one. Pour me a'other, will ya?

Rinku: (eyebrow up) I think Flyr's got a good arm on her. You were out for a while there.

Chu: (dazed) Marie?

Rinku: (veins pop) Grr! (Hits Chu with another beer can) Not Marie!

Chu: (swirly eyes) Ah, sorry, um, Courtney? (dodges another can) Bernice? Whoa! That was close! (peers) Oh! I know, only Yolanda can be that short. (makes a quick dive, barely missing a well aimed shot) Hey, I need that area, thank you very much!

Keiko: …um, right. (turns sharply to the painted set) What lovely grapes!

Yukina: (smiling) Yep. Look like Van Gough.

Yusuke: O.o Just where did your sister find these things, Hiei?

Hiei: (shrugs)

Keiko: (pointing) And there's some cheese.

Botan: (singing to herself) Ten yards!

Jin: (deciding to join in) One pound!

Flyr: Of what?

Jin: (extremely happy) Sugar!!

Flyr: O.O Oh boy.

Hiei: You people are weird.

Kurama: I'll get the knife! ….(notices everybody staring) What? It's to cut the…cheese…hey! I think someone's been having some fun with this script!

Hiei: Hn. (looks pointedly at Koenma, who holds up his hands in innocence)

Keiko: (still examining still life) And some bread.

Jin: Oh! And I want fish!

Touya: (looking at painting) I think that bread's stale… -.-u

Flyr: (holding her nose) No fish in my house, thank you very much! They smell!

Yukina: (singing with a big smile) There must be more than this provincial life!

Botan: Ah, maybe…

Touya: (happily following after her) Baa.

Kuwabara: (suddenly not distracted anymore) What was I-? Oh yeah! I'll shear you!

Hiei: (dangerously quiet) Touch her and die.

Both Touya and Kuwabara freeze, though Touya looks slightly less nervous but still a little guilty. Kurama shakes his head while Botan rolls her eyes. Yukina, strangely, remains happily peaceful throughout this entire process. Maybe she needs her hearing checked?

Botan: (sighs) Hiei, I think you've got a sister complex.

Hiei: …no I haven't!

Kurama: (analytical) Delayed denial. Hm. Interesting. Are you transferring maybe a guilt of not being there into over protectiveness? Please explain.

Hiei: … (decides to ignore his friend, who seems to have suddenly taken a course in psychology [an: I loved that class!])

Botan: (clapping her hands) Right, line up everybody! Last time!

Grumbling, the entire cast moves into choir position, Rinku ignoring Botan's entreaties to stand in the front with the short Hiei in favor of bashing Chu. Eventually she gives up and just begins directing.

Everyone (minus a strangling Chu, but surprisingly not Rinku): Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special. A most peculiar mademoiselle. It's a pity and a sin, she doesn't quite fit in!

Yukina: (cheerily oblivious)

Kuwabara: (gasps) How can you say such things?!!

Yusuke: (smirking and trying to make up for his last attempt at a solo) But she really is a funny girl-

Keiko: (mitigating) A beauty but a funny girl-

Botan, fed up, plows the rest of the choir onward.

Everyone: (singing) She really is a funny girl! That Yukina!

Botan: (sighs) Finally! [an: Me too. That was long.]

Kuwabara: (close to tears) Sacrilege!

Yusuke: (yelling) You cut me off again!

Keiko: Well, you were being mean to Yukina, and she's never done anything bad to you!

Yusuke: …She doesn't care!! It was directed at Kuwabara!!

Kuwabara: How can you say such things?!! Of course my dahlia of the heart cares!

Yukina: …Is that me? (smiles) I don't care. [an: The truth comes out…]

Everyone (except Yusuke): (pratfalls)

Yusuke: (calm) See?

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Let's just move on. (hands Hiei a script) Here, go talk with Yukina.

Hiei: (looks at script with distrust but approaches Yukina) Hn.

Yukina: (smiling) Bonjour, Hiei. Would you like to see my book?

Hiei looks at the book, then shrugs. He takes the paperback almost unthinkingly, and runs an uninterested glance over the cover. As his head comes back up, he pauses, then does a second take. His mouth drops slightly open at viewing the passionately embracing couple on the cover, who seem to be missing a perilous amount of clothing.

Hiei: (shocked) You read this?! O.O

Yukina: (happy) Yep! It's a good story. No pictures, but I can just use my imagination. Tomoyo says she can lend me more if I want them.

Book: (suddenly burns up) Pwoof!

Tomoyo: Oh! The Sakura character! No!! YoY Good thing I keep extras.

Hiei: (shaking) Evil book…but…can't kill…little girls…

Botan: (quietly) Nice to know he has some boundaries.

Koenma: (just the tinsiest freaked out) Um, maybe we'd better move on…

Kurama: (slowly) Hiei, open the script.

Hiei: …(snaps back to normal) O-okay. Opening script.

The fire demon, who has recently suffered supreme shock at finding his sister just a bit more knowledgeable than predicted, flips through the pages of his new book. He scans his lines, then comes dangerously close to returning to his previous state.

Hiei: I'm supposed…to flirt with Yukina…(turns to Kurama woodenly) Care to explain?

Kurama: (uncomfortable) Not really.

Hiei: (back to Yukina) Right. Go home. Now.

Yukina: (giggling) Hiei, you are positively primeval.

Keiko: This is getting really bad.

Flyr: (grumbling) I can't believe we're supposed to be fawning over Hiei! I mean, Jin's way cuter, and everyone involved in this is already taken! Terrible!

Botan: (looking at the other to with suspicion) I know. (looks pointedly at Koenma) I wonder who came up with this?

Koenma: Eh heh? -.-u

Hiei: (looking at Yukina like she's grown a third eye) … (breaks) Oh, flirt with the sheep for all I care, just leave so I don't have to say my lines!

Touya: Baa? (politely) Baa, baa.

Yukina: (blushes) Oh, thank you! You're quite nice as well!

Kuwabara: (torn) My multi-talented teardrop! Speaking the language of sheep with Mr. Frozen Hair?! (throws chunk of costume at Touya, who dodges) Argh! Keep away from her!

Tomoyo: (gasps) Oh, the costume! Tsk, tsk. Now we'll have to redo it!

She drags the wild-eyed Kuwabara backstage once more, and screams of agony can be heard for quite a time after that. The other castmates look at each other with slightly scared faces, not sure what awaits them behind the curtains. After a moment, Yukina decides to continue.

Yukina: Well, I guess it's time to go home now.

Hiei: Hn.

Kurama: (reading script boredly) Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he needs all the help he can get…hang on, you have a father?

Yukina: (smiling) Now I do!

Hiei: (suspicious) That's not supposed to be possible…

Yukina: (moving on to her next lines) My father's not crazy! He's a genius!

Everyone: …O.o

Yusuke: Ooookay. Who do we know who's crazy?

Suddenly an explosion erupts from the postal service room. Evil, yet hauntingly familiar, cackles can be heard from outside, as two people walk into the room, one holding an empty box of matches.

Koenma: Hey! I just hired those guys! And my inbox is getting terribly full!

Genkai: (laughing) Pull the other one.

Koenma: (confused) …uh, what?

Flyr: (collapses into giggling fits) Old woman!

Genkai: Man!

Yusuke: O.o Really?!!

Flyr: Man, sorry, but from behind you looked -

Genkai: What I object to is the fact that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Flyr: Well, I am king.

Genkai: (rolls eyes) Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how did you get that, huh? By exploiting the workers, by hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society today. If there's ever going to be any progress-

Jin: (happily getting it) There's some lovely filth over here!

Rinku: (promptly bashes Jin) I've had enough of this! It's bad enough you make me sit through this movie all the time at home!!

Flyr: (throws another can of Fosters) Hands off, Yo-Yo man! Don't hit Jin! Monty Python's great!

Koenma: (terribly confused) What - the heck - just happened?

Kurama: (amazingly he's seen the movie) I'm not sure I care to explain. -.-u It's rather silly.

Flyr: (clapping hands) And now for something completely different!

Koenma: …right. Move on!

The onis, who had suddenly congregated at Genkai's long speech, slowly break apart, making secretive hand signals and nodding not quite discretely before moving to change the set. It seems as if Koenma is soon to be facing open rebellion. …Or at least just a big headache until he can cough up the worker's comp benefits and shell out money to the unions to leave him alone. They move the set in the back forward, displaying the run down house for clear view.

Yukina: Papa?

Toguro: Yo.

Everyone: … -.-u

Yusuke: Yeah…guess I do think he's crazy…

Yukina: Are you all right, Papa?

Toguro: …

Kurama: -.- That was a slightly pointless question.

Yukina: (smiling) You always say that.

Genkai: (puzzled) He didn't say anything this time.

Keiko: (sweatdrop) I think that's what she meant.

Yukina: Well, are you going to the fair tomorrow? I'm sure you'll win top prize!

Toguro: (shrugs and points at Yusuke) As long as that one doesn't come, I'll be fine.

Yusuke: …do you mean, there's a tournament at this fair?! Cool!!

Hiei: (glaring) Are you saying you'd be okay if I fought?

Toguro: … ……

Genkai: (smirks) That'd be a "yes, you idiot, now bug off!"

Toguro: … .. …

Genkai: (rolls her eyes) So I took a little liberty, so what?

Kurama: (murmuring) A little?

Toguro: (shrugs) Did you have a good time in town today?

Yukina: (smiles) Yep! I got a new book! But it got burned… But, Touya followed me home!

Touya: (being unobtrusive) Baa?

Toguro: …okay, that's fine. Is he for sweaters or mutton?

Touya: (eyes grow slightly larger) B-baa?

Yukina: (smiling) No. Touya's my friend! (changing the topic radically) Papa, do you think I'm weird?

Toguro: My daughter? Weird? ….Where would you get an idea like that?

Yusuke: (looking at him in disbelief) Could a daughter of yours even be normal?

Kuwabara: (recovering from backstage treatment) Yeah, cause it'd be half Genkai's as well. Totally strange.

Genkai: I'm not having kids! (muttering) With you lot around, who needs toddlers?

Yukina: Well, I'm not sure I fit in around here. There's no one like me.

Toguro: …what about Hiei? I'd say he's pretty similar.

Yukina: I suppose, but he's also rude and conceited and, um, he's not for me. (smiles)

Hiei: (with what appear to be daggers out of his back) Erk.

Botan: (sweatdrop) That was kind've mean, especially from Yukina.

Yusuke: (grinning) Look on the bright side, Hiei! At least your sister's sane and rejects your advances!

Hiei: I never advanced upon her in the first place! Wrong!

Toguro: Very well. I'll just win you a wish at the next tournament.

Yukina: (smiles widely) Really? Oh thanks, Papa! Well, good luck!

Toguro nods briefly and departs, leaving without a horse or any other form of transportation. His long strides quickly carry him off the stage. The cast watches, sweatdropping, as he seems to disappear backstage, where Tomoyo offers him tea and cookies, readily accepted, and another dime store novel, which all note with relief he turns down. Because not everything had gone insane. Yet.