Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part VIII ( Chapter 26 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Okay, only a couple of days later, and I've got a 20-page chapter for you all! Celebrate! I'll also explain why I took so long previously, as last time I was rushing out the door for work right before I posted it. After the whole hurricane-that-passed-us-by incident (thank goodness for that luck) my grandfather had a heart attack and was in the hospital and my grandmother went a little loopy. Basically, my whole family was in an uproar and it was confusing as…well, a biology test for me (though I'm pretty good at guessing and usually aced them, it didn't mean I knew what I was doing.). Added to that is the fact that the stubborn old man has talked himself out of the hospital and insists that he can be up and walking. I'm keeping his car hostage at the moment to insure that the patient doesn't decide to run off one day when he's alone, which I wouldn't put past him. It's a miracle right now that my grandmother is slightly saner at the moment due to the fact that she isn't drinking more than one beer a day if that. Hopefully it will stay at that. I don't need two crazy grandparents cavorting around town. Heaven have mercy!

Anyway, that's my explanation! I'm two thirds finished with chapter five of TtRDtF and I'm going to try and push the rest out tomorrow, and HCAGOM is solidifying itself in my head and absolutely screaming to get out, so, maybe Thursday? Don't hold me to it, though, something might come up and I can't make any promises.

Now, please enjoy this chapter! It's double length, so have fun! :)

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Chapter 26

Rewind:

Everyone: (thankful the punishment is over) My what a guy, Hiei!!!

Hiei: (finally satisfied) Hn.

Play:

Kurama: (dry) Why don't we move on before his ego expands any more?

Yusuke: (smirking) I don't know, that song did a pretty good job trampling it as well.

Kuwabara: (indignant) It's my daffodil of sunshine's turn to sparkle!

Koenma: Uh…right. Onis! (claps hands)

Once again, in low spirits, the set changing onis come pounding out on stage, looking thoroughly disgusted with their job. They quickly push the tavern away, knocking over a keg in the process and spilling root beer all over the floor, to replace it with the sheet covered castle, which is once again revealed, this time ripping the stuck teddy bear sheet, much to the dismay of Koenma. Thus, a lone "interestingly decorated" flag waves from the ramparts as the cast takes up their positions in the room, Keiko quickly rushing out from backstage looking…worse for the trip.

Yukina: (sitting calmly in her "room") I wonder how long goldfish live?

Goldfish: (blub) [an: In my house, that would be less than a week]

A knocking comes from the door and she moves away from Touya's fish bowl.

Yukina: Who is it? (opens door)

Botan: (looking harried and holding onto a uncooperative Yusuke) Botan, dear. I thought you might like a spot of tea.

Yusuke: (grumbling) Find your own thermos, you don't need me.

Botan: Tomoyo gave you the last one, so be quiet!

Yukina: (confused) Why would I want spots of tea? I don't want to ruin my outfit.

Botan: -.-u Another expression, dear. Don't worry about it.

Yukina: (acting surprised) Oh, but you're a-!

She backs up and pretends to bump into a wardrobe, which suspiciously enough has feet, tapping lightly in irritation. With a grumble, the costume shifts and suddenly a face can be seen in a cut out hole, revealing Keiko. On the floor, Yusuke looks up with amazement, then his composure promptly dissolves into giggling fits. Watching near by, Touya sympathizes while Jin compares the quality of his costume with the maple like finish on the "closet", Hiei remains bored, Kurama succumbs and chuckles quietly, and Chu and Rinku ignore the new addition in favor of their increasingly "rule free" brawl.

Keiko: (veins popping) Yusuke!! Stop that!!

Yusuke: (snickering) And I thought my costume was bad! (singing mockingly) You don't have to wear that dress tonight! Keiko! Don't have to put on the red ligh-! (receives hard slap…too hard, as he's now currently seeing stars, and fish, and all manner of things) [an: actually, I like that song…]

Kurama: (quietly) Truly a matching pair in hideous outfits.

Youko: (internally; snorts and wakes up) A matching pair? Of what, silver or gold? Where? (suspicious) Are you hiding something from me, Shuichi?

Kurama: (internally) …go back to sleep. -.-u

Keiko: Yusuke, if you ever, EVER, start insinuating that I'm a hooker again-!

Botan: (noting the murderous intent and deciding for once, Yusuke definitely needs some help) Whoa, Keiko, lesson learned! Let's move on, okay?

Keiko: (grumbling)

Yukina: (happily oblivious) This is impossible!

Keiko: (muttering) This is an everyday occurrence. (sighs) I know it is, but here we are!

Yusuke: (dazed) Since when did we get birds in here? And pink…elephants?

Botan: (sighs) Did you have to hit him that hard, Keiko?

Keiko: n.nu Whoops!

Botan: Never mind. (gently) Give Yukina some tea, Yusuke.

Yusuke: (weakly points finger in acknowledgement while everyone nervously dodges) Gotcha. (pulls out thermos) Here ya go, Yukina. (passes out)

Yukina: (smiling) Thank you.

Keiko: -.-u Ah, I guess I did hit him pretty bad. Come on, Yusuke, up you get. (shaking Yusuke)

Botan: (rolls eyes) That was a very brave thing you did, my dear.

Keiko: (nodding as she shakes Yusuke) We all think so.

Yukina: (sad) But I've lost my father, my dreams, everything.

Kuwabara: (realizing clear and present danger) Ah, crap! Please, my most magnificent magpie, no crying!

Botan: (stepping in front of Hiei's line of angry vision) Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end. You'll see. (chatters happily) Oops! Look at me, jabbering on, when there's a supper to get on the table. Come on, Yusuke, off we go!

Yusuke: (coming around) Food?

Botan: Um, yep! Let's go get some! …Yusuke?

Keiko: (looking down at empty hands) He's already gone.

Botan: Eh, heh…Right, see you later, Keiko, Yukina! (walks out of room)

Keiko: (clapping hands) Okay, after that, I've completely forgotten where I am! Do you have a script, Yukina?

Yukina: (smiling, hands one over) Here you go!

Keiko: Thanks. Now, let's see… (absently reads lines) what shall we dress you in for dinner? Let's see what I've got in my drawers.

Yusuke: (suddenly back) We're looking down your underwear?!! O.O

Keiko: O.O …(flames) YUSUKE!!

Botan: (grabbing food) Wow, Yusuke, look, cake!! (slams it into his face) Now, isn't that good? (mutters) At this rate, you're going to die before you're twenty, and it's not going to be the missions that do you in.

Hiei: (critical) Are all humans this dense?

Kurama: (sighs) One wonders if Yusuke is suicidal.

Yusuke: Mummphf umff guhaf Keimumph.

Keiko pauses as she tries to figure out if that was something she should reprimand or not and Botan takes the opportunity to unceremoniously shove Yusuke backstage again in an effort to save his life. Unfortunately, he is still in shock over Keiko's previous announcement and falls right into Toguro, who seems to be reading a book titled "Whirlwinds of Passion" over Jin's shoulder. Genkai rolls her eyes as she goes back to improving her solitaire skills.

Yukina: (smiling) Are you still looking for a dress?

Keiko: (recovering and back to horribly bad acting) Oh! How embarrassing. Here we are. (Searches desperately around room before finally grabbing a random dress from Tomoyo's collection) Ah! There, you'll look ravishing in…this…one…

The dress seems to be an elaborate display of poofyness that explodes on the senses, and indeed, carries the trademark Tomoyo charm. It is a myriad of pink chiffon and ribbons, and has so many layers that even an expensive wedding cake couldn't rival the amount.

Yukina: (still smiling) That's very kind of you, but I'm not going to dinner.

Keiko: (dazed) Uh, yeah. I'm not sure if you should eat in this thing…

Touya: (knocking politely on the door) Ahem, dinner is served.

Koenma: Okay, STOP! (claps hands) I'm hungry! All this talk about food is really sparking my appetite, so this is now becoming a dinner show! George!

George: Yes, sir.

The blue oni rushes off stage and the cast wait in confused silence for several minutes before a fleet of onis can return, carrying various dishes. They are set down in front of Koenma, who rubs his hands together in anticipation, and revealed to be plates of snacks, like cereals, graham crackers, and Melba toast, and various fruit chopped up into tiny pieces. Botan just sighs to herself as Yusuke squawks in indignation.

Yusuke: THAT'S your dinner?!!

Koenma: (calm) What did you expect? (pops back into toddler form) I've barely gotten into the solid food stage. (turns to George) Is my milk heating up?

George: (sweatdrop) Yes, sir, it's already on the stove. -.-

Kuwabara: Hey, when do we get fed?!

Koenma: …(shrugs)

Botan: (sighs) I'll talk to the kitchens after this scene. Maybe they'll cook us up something nice.

Jin: Ooo! Do they know any Makai dishes?

Botan: (nods) Yep! Reikai's culinary expertise is world renown!

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Ba da bing. [an: Oh my goodness, was that corny!]

Jin: Ah, I've been wantin' some Yale hooves for months now, meself.

Botan: Okay, any other requests?

Touya: (politely) Manticore tails, please.

Chu: (yelling) Fosters!!

Rinku: (hitting Chu) Forget that, get some real food, like calamari!

Hiei: (thoughtful) Juniper roots in pigeon sauce.

Kurama: (eyebrow up) What restaurants have you been visiting lately, Hiei?

Kuwabara: (looking sick) Uh, actually, I don't think I'm hungry anymore. u.u%

Koenma: (munching happily on teddy grahams) Okay, I'm ready, where's the next scene?

The cast jumps up and assembles itself in another room of the castle, this one containing a large "fireplace", which is really just a cardboard box with crayon flames, and a long table, again, boxes. Kuwabara stands, nervously tapping his fingers together in front of another box, which one must assume is a chair.

Kuwabara: (tense) What's taking so long? I told her to come down. Why isn't she here yet? Oh no! Maybe my butterfly of forgiveness is lost!

Botan: (calm) Oh, try to be patient, sir. The girl has lost her father and her freedom all in one day.

Kuwabara: (frowns) What's this, "freedom"? Yukina's just visiting for a while!

Yusuke: (dry) And you expect that choice to be made freely?

Jin: Oo! Master, master! Have ya thought that this lass might break tha spell?

Kuwabara: Uh… Of course I have. I'm not a fool!

Hiei: (snorts)

Jin: Great! Ya fall in love with tha lass, she falls in love with ya, and POOF! we'll be human - wait, demon! - no that doesn't work either…Oh! normal again by midnight!

Touya: …have you ever been normal, Jin?

Jin: (thoughtful) Well, I'm not often irregular in tha bathroom.

Touya: (turning sharply away) Too much information!

Flyr: (just as thoughtful) Have you tried Metamucil?

Touya: Move on. Please. O.o

Botan: (back to the point) Oh, it's not that easy, Jin. These things take time.

Jin: Aye, but tha rose is already wiltin'.

Flyr: (clicking her tongue) Your roses are cheap, Kurama. What's it been, like two hours and already it's dying?

Kurama: (ticked) Nobody put it in water. Am I the only one who knows how to care for plants around here?!

Everyone: …

Genkai: (calmly) Yep.

Kurama: (internally; sighs) At least you know.

Youko: (internally) …actually, I just worked on instinct. Half my plants died on me. They don't call it the Death Tree for nothing.

Kurama: (veins popping)

Kuwabara: (actually tearing) It's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm so...well, look at me!

Yusuke: (rubbing chin) Man! I see what you mean, butt ugly.

Botan: (pushing Yusuke quickly away) Oh, you must help her to see past all that.

Kuwabara: (close to sobbing) I don't know how.

Botan: Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. (brisk) Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman.

Kuwabara: A…what?

Botan: …Kurama. Try to act like Kurama.

Kurama: (sighs)

Jin: (getting into it) Yeah! And when tha lass enters, smile really big! See? (points to his own grinning face)

Kuwabara: (slowly) Right…

Botan: (quickly) But don't frighten the poor girl.

Jin: And crack jokes!

Botan: But make sure they're not dirty!

Jin: Compliment tha lass!

Botan: …actually, I think you've got that one down.

Jin: And above all-

Everyone (at various loudness): Don't act stupid!

Kuwabara: (wincing) I'm not that bad, am I?

Nobody chooses to respond to this comment as Touya enters through the "door". Really, he just walks into the poorly designed set, ignoring the flimsy door, but that's beside the point.

Jin: (happily) Here she is!

Touya: (annoyed) I'm not a girl! [an: …actually, I thought he was for the longest time…whoops. -.-u]

Kuwabara: (staring) Well…where is she?

Touya: (point blank) She's not coming.

Kuwabara: (looking terribly depressed) Really? (gasps) Oh! Is she sick? Oh no! My comprehensive dictionary of the soul, my lowing lamb of the farm! I'll come bring your dinner to you!

The teen rushes off, not listening to the belated pleas of Botan to "stop this nonsense!" Touya looks slightly undone by this last affectionate term, but after staring around at each other for a full minute, the cast assembled in the room comes to the conclusion that to best restrain mistakes, they'd better chase after Kuwabara.

Jin: Ah, lad, hold up!

Touya: I doubt that we can really stop him from saying the wrong thing.

Botan: Kuwabara, WAIT!

Kuwabara: Hang on, baby, Kuwabara Kazuma's on his - oophf!

It seems Hiei has stepped out of role for a minute to instead assume some kind of speed bump for the castle, as he has just purposely tripped Kuwabara. Unfortunately, the large teenager was close enough to Yukina's room that she emerges to heal him.

Botan: (panting as she catches up) There you are. Now please, PLEASE, follow your lines.

Kuwabara: (catching Yukina's hands) Oh, my highlighter of every day, my post-it note of emotion! Why didn't you come to dinner?

Kurama: (disturbed) Has Kuwabara been going to school lately?

Jin: Ah, lass, I don't think he heard ya.

Botan: (slaps herself in the head) Why do I even bother?

Yukina: (smiling and yelling at the same time [an: personally, I'm a little freaked out by the thought.]) I'm not hungry!

Kuwabara: But, Yukina! We've got anything you could want! Botan says the kitchens can make all sorts of things even (pauses significantly and tries to hold onto stomach) Ma-makai food if you want it!

Jin: (sweatdrop) Somehow, I don't tink food is tha way ta tha lassie's heart. She said she wasn't hungry.

Touya: (stoic) Could you attempt to be a gentleman?

Botan: Yes, remember Kurama!

Kurama: (double sigh) -.-

Kuwabara: (squares shoulders) Yukina, my starling of the morning, will you please come down to dinner?

Yukina: (happily) No.

Kuwabara: (watery eyes) But, you can't stay in there forever!

Yukina: (nodding emphatically) Yes I can!

Kuwabara: (depressed) O-okay…

Yukina: (pats Kuwabara on the head then gets up to leave) See you later, Kazuma!

Kuwabara: (suddenly revitalized) Okay! (marches happily off)

Botan: (sweatdrop) That didn't go very well at all, did it?

Touya: (shrugs) It'll do. Now, to keep other people out of trouble…Jin, you stand watch at the door and tell me if there are any changes.

Jin: Aye, aye! (begins marching back and forth happily, with big swinging arms)

Touya: (sighs) Come on, Botan, we've got clean up to do.

Keiko: (reading script) I don't get it. After this, Kuwabara's supposed to get really depressed, but he just walked off almost cheerful…

Yusuke: Ah, we'll just skip it! See? (starts singing) Do de do do, do de do do, Time Change. (stops) That easy!

Hiei: …can we do that with songs?

Botan: NO!

Hiei: (grumpy) Hn.

Flyr: (claps hands and is suddenly happy) Okay! Let's go!

Keiko rolls her eyes but she and the rest of the cast move off, leaving only an unsuspecting Jin guarding Yukina's door. Flyr looks especially pleased by this and does an inappropriate amount of - well, let's just call it flirting, much to the amusement of Chu and Rinku, who have paused mid battle to watch the scene, making cat calls. Keiko and Touya have chosen to turn their backs, and Kuwabara is off in his own little world, but Toguro watches stoically and Genkai can't suppress a smirk. Kurama is watching Hiei with curiosity, as he is currently growling at the offenders and covering Botan's eyes, who is trying vainly to see just what the heck is so interesting.

Kurama: Why are you doing that, Hiei?

Hiei: (growling) Didn't any one teach them to be less…provocative in…that?!! (mutters) Good thing Yukina's in her room.

Kurama: (finishes boredly) Or otherwise they'd be dead. Yes, yes, I know.

Botan: (tugging at hand) Come on, Hiei, let me see! It can't be that bad!

Kurama: (sympathetic) Botan's right. It's surely nothing worse than the two of you do - (eyes gleam) - and maybe she could start taking notes.

Hiei: (startled) O.O WHAT?!!

Botan: O.O Whoa! (yanks hand back up, blushing furiously) Never mind!

Hiei: (grumbling) Who said she needs to take notes? (dodges elbow jab)

Back to the, um, entertaining scene, in which nothing TOO inappropriate is occurring. Well…no, it's not that bad.

Flyr: (running around) Oh no! (laughs her head off)

Jin: (earnest) `Tis true! And then-! (grabs her and whispers something else)

Flyr: (actually blushing now) Wow! I didn't know that was possible!

Jin: (nodding happily) Yep!

Flyr: (pauses) Oh, hang on, I've been whirled around by you before, how do I know you aren't lying?

Jin: (grins suddenly and spins Flyr around into a low dip) Because -

Yukina at this point emerges from the room after sticking her head out for a moment to glance around. She ignores the wise instinct of furtivity and strolls calmly down the hallway.

Jin: (surprised) Heaven's mercy!

Flyr: (falls to the ground) Ooophf! (jumps up) Hey, you looking for a fight?!!

Chu: Yeah, you get `em sheila!

Rinku: (whistles) Go for the jugular!

Flyr: (thrown off) Uh…

Jin: Ai! The lass, she's come out!

While Jin is suffering panic attacks and a quick strangulation hold by Flyr, the rest of the cast is using the opportunity to move on in the script, going back to the kitchen scene where Yusuke suffered the bath before, and joining with some newly outfitted characters. Botan starts shoving Yusuke towards a box with an intent look.

Botan: Come on, Yusuke, into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters.

Yusuke: Cupboard?! Child abuse!! I don't sleep in cupboards! And that looks suspiciously like a cardboard box to me!

Botan: (annoyed) You're hardly a child, Yusuke, with that mind. Get into the cupboard!

Yusuke: (suspicious) Why?

Botan: (yelling) To go to bed!!

Yusuke: I knew it! What mother puts her children into a cardboard box at night?! Ones that go to jail, that's what!

Botan: (veins popping) …. (summons her oar and whacks Yusuke over the head) Humphf! I don't want to imagine what your real mother went through!

Yusuke: (shaking head stubbornly) Man, does everyone want to clobber me today?!

Botan takes advantage of his currently dazed state and shoves him inside the box, kicking it away quickly. She dusts her hands off as she turns to the other person in the room, who is examining his black cardboard box outfit with dislike.

Chu: Of all the things! Why do people think I'm good at cookin'?! I'm not, I tell ya! Give me a shot of the good stuff any day over this!

Botan: (rolls eyes) Oh, stop your grousing. It's been a long night for all of us.

Touya: (strolls calmly in) If you ask me, Yukina was entirely within her rights to refuse the dinner.

Botan: …we didn't.

Chu: And I'm talking about my stupid roles in this play thing, not what sheila yonder is doin'.

Botan: (nodding) I'm referring to Koenma myse-

Yukina at this point, strolls calmly into the kitchen, where Touya quickly takes her by the arm. Backstage, Kuwabara frowns in his daze, as if realizing that, if he were mentally present at the moment, he would not be approving of this.

Touya: (smoothly) Splendid to see you out and about, mademoiselle. I'm Touya, head of the household. (bends to kiss her hand)

Jin: (jumps in the way and shakes hands furiously) Hiya!

Touya: (slightly ticked) And this is Jin. (prying Jin's hands away) If there's anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable - let go! - please don't hesitate to ask.

Jin: (panicking) Please don't tell me girl where I am, lass, okay?

Touya: (annoyed) I doubt Flyr's going to kill you.

Jin: o.o

Flyr: (strolling in angry) I'll just beat him up a bit! Who drops the girl onto the floor when he's romancing her?!!

Kurama: (quietly) "Romancing"? I'd call that the polite term!

Touya: Jin, obviously. Now, we need to move on.

Yukina: (smiling) Well, I am a little hungry.

Botan: (claps her hands) You are? Hear that? She's hungry! Stoke the fire, break out the silver, wake the china!

Jin: (confused) Wake? Are we goin' ta a funeral now? We're gonna need a flute and maybe some bagpipes for that.

Chu: Fosters!! Don't forget the drinkin' afterwards!

Keiko: (sweatdrop) I thought he had seen this movie? The china is alive.

Rinku: (quietly) Jin has a short attention span. I doubt he got this far.

Touya: (frowning) Are you sure you can convince the kitchens to cook?

Botan: (waving it off) Oh, pish posh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry.

Touya: Oh, if that's all… (turns back to Yukina) Don't worry, Yukina, after this, I'll take you out to dinner.

Yukina: (smiling) Where to?

Kuwabara: (snapping out of his happy daze with a jolt) Feed her!! NOW!!! Forget it, Mr.-Cold-Hands!! There ain't no way you're going on a date with Yukina!!

Touya: (ignoring this) I'll pick you up at eight, okay?

Yukina: (happily oblivious) Okay! Could we go try some ningen food? I've always wanted to go to that place with the funny yellow loops.

Touya: …McDonald's?

Yusuke: (snorting) Oh man! World-class date right there, Touya! Way to go impressing the girl!

Jin: (whapping Yusuke) Ah, leave tha lad alone, I love tha chips there!

Keiko: (quietly) Your heart doesn't.

Jin: (snapping fingers) But, I'm hungry, too, so I say, feed tha girl! (holds hand out to Yukina) Right this way, lass!

Touya: (suddenly nervous) Jin…

Jin: Ah, ya worry too much, Touya! It'll be fine! A little food, some music… (exits room)

Touya: Music? …Wait!

It is too late, as Jin has already happily seated Yukina at an actual dining table, which the budget must have been big enough to cover, but not quite enough to include the chairs, which are back to the infamous cardboard box. Touya looks worried through his usually stoic façade, but nobody else seems to mind, and indeed, Botan, the likeliest supporter for his side, just shrugs and goes along with it. Touya is forced to watch with trepidation from the sidelines as Jin quickly jumps up on the table to do some sort of song and dance routine. Yukina looks delighted, which decreases his anxiety only slightly.

Jin: (excited) Dùileag, lassie, I'm afraid ya never got a proper welcome to tha castle. Cead Mile Failte! So, put up yer feet, relax, while we bring on tha dinner!

Yukina: (clapping happily)

Touya: I've got a bad feeling about this…

Botan: No, this is great! Some one actually wants to sing their song!!

Hiei: (eyebrow up) And what are they?

Touya (solemnly) and Yusuke (happily): Crazy!

Botan: Oh, stop that! I've got to go tell the kitchens to bring stuff!

Jin: (singing an obviously memorized song) Be our guest, be our guest, Put our service to tha test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, lassie, and we provide tha rest!

Yukina: (confused) Napkin?

Keiko: (sighs and holds out a scrap from the teddy bear flag/sheet thing) Here.

Jin: (enjoying himself tremendously) Lots of soup, something else! Why we only live ta serve!

Yusuke: (snorts) Yeah right.

As if on cue, the door to the stage is busted open and pouring through come the chorus onis, who have made swift recovery after their not quite confrontation with Toguro and are back, carrying plates galore. Botan watches them happily while Kurama silently wonders what the heck could be whipped up so quickly, as she was only gone for the space of about a minute. He decides, along with Kuwabara previous, that he really has no desire to test the delicacies of Reikai.

Jin: (happy) Try tha grey stuff, `tis delicious. Don't believe me? Ask tha dishes!

Yukina: (obligingly tries something grey)

Kuwabara: NOO! Poison!!

Yukina: …it's okay! What is it?

Botan: (proudly) Flambéed squid!

Everyone else: …(goes green)

Rinku: …hang on, I like squid! Hand it over!

Chu: Ay, lad, yer weird. (pushes it across the table)

Rinku shrugs and happily digs in, and, as if on cue, the chorus onis decide that it's time to go back to their original purpose of singing. Everyone promptly covers their ears in an effort to stop the hideous noise.

Oni Choir: (attempting, and failing, to harmonize) It's good!

Flyr: My ears!

Kurama: (wincing) That's terrible.

Jin: (decides to drown them out) They can sing, they can fly!

The wind master pauses as he is suddenly hit by inspiration, and sends a blast outward, picking up the oni choir, much to their dismay and quick outcry, fitting actions to words. This quick thinking stops the singing in favor of startled yells from the choir.

Jin: (happily back to singing) After all, lass, this is Reikai! And a dinner here is never second best! Go on unfold yer menu, take a glance and then you'll be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Yusuke: I think she's got the point, you don't have to say it so much.

Jin: (ignoring and having the time of his life) We've got some beef, an' some cheese! Pie and pudding and…um, flames!

Botan: (staring hard at plates) Flames?

Hiei: …(shrugs and suddenly a pie is on fire)

Kurama: Riiighht.

Jin: (making up everything now) I didn't prepare, so don't despair, ya won't be dying yet tonight!

Flyr: (nodding) Now that's definitely true. Can't cook worth beans!

Jin: (grandly) Yer alone, and yer scared!

Touya: (gently) Are you, Yukina?

Yukina: (smiling) Nope!

Jin: (ignoring them) But tha banquet's all prepared! No one's gloomy or complainin', while the flatware's entertainin'!

The chorus onis, at this point, fall to the ground, and Hiei quickly ignites them once more. Koenma, negligently, sends George out with a bucket to try and put them out.

Jin: (still singing) We tell jokes, I do tricks, and I do prefer slapstick!

Chu and Rinku: (deciding to play along) And it's all in perfect taste, that you can bet!!! (dissolve into laughter)

Everyone (minus Hiei, who refuses to participate): Come on and lift your glass, you've won your own free pass to be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Jin: (singing cheerily) If yer stressed, it's food that I suggest!

Yusuke: (eyebrow up) Are you a doctor now, because I'm definitely not visiting you!

Everyone (this time missing Yusuke as well): Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Kurama: (quietly) If Yukina hasn't gotten the main brunt of this song by now, I say she's beyond oblivious.

Jin, who has discovered that it is now his moment to show of his acting skills, which currently reside at the zero mark, quickly grabs a startled Touya, who had been quietly speaking with Yukina inquiring if she was sure a selection off the Dollar Menu would be more than enough to suit her tastes. The unfortunate shinobi is dragged onto the table, much to his dismay, as Jin begins a lament worthy of his Irish background, in which even the fast paced drinking songs are terribly depressing once you listen to them. [an: hey, I'm Irish, so I should know. Case #1 - Danny Boy - the guy's leaving his girl! Case #2 - Black Velvet Band - guy gets thrown in jail. Case #3 - Wild Rover - Ship sinks. Case #4 … You get the picture.]

Touya: (unnerved) Jin?!

Jin: (moved to tears) Life is so unnervin', for a servant who's not servin'! He's not whole without a soul to wait upon! (spins Touya around)

Yusuke: (disbelieving) I beg to differ! [an: I agree, that line is soooo wrong.]

Touya: (dizzy) Whoa! Let go of me!

Jin: (pleading to the sky) Ah, those good old days when we were useful. Suddenly, those good old days are gone.

Chu: (frowns) Jin was useful? Well, he's a good drinkin' buddy, but I don't kn-

Rinku: Oh, wait! Wasn't he the one who plowed holes through the walls at the Dark Tournament to get us out?

Chu: (suddenly thoughtful) Oh, yeah, yeah…

Everyone: ô.o

Touya: Uh… (turns to Jin) Amazingly, I'm going to ask you to continue.

Jin: Okay! (breaks down into sobs) Ten years we've been rustin', needin' so much more than dustin', needin' exercise, a chance to use our skills!

Touya: (looking down with distaste) Could you cry elsewhere than my shoulder? I'm soaked through.

Jin: (good naturedly shoves at Touya…or not so good naturedly…) Most days just lay around the castle, flabby fat and lazy, ya walked in, and oops-a-daisie!

With a final push and a startled exclamation, Touya goes spinning off the table and into the cardboard fireplace, which has been moved here for this special occasion. The rest of the cast watches for a moment, then shrugs, as Botan moves almost gleefully into her singing part, ecstatic to finally be working with someone so enthusiastic about a song.

Botan: (bustling with cups and thermoses) It's a guest, it's a guest! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed!

Yusuke: (searching rapidly) Wine? Where?!

Keiko: (frowning) There are no napkins here.

Botan: (singing happily) With dessert, she'll want tea, and my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups do their soft shoeing, I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing!

Keiko: (jabs Yusuke) Hear that, Yusuke, you're supposed to be tap dancing!

Yusuke: What?!! I don't dance!!

Keiko: (stern) Well, it won't kill you to learn! Then you could take me out more often!

Yusuke: …really?

Keiko: (suddenly shy) We'll see.

Kurama: (thoughtful) I thought Botan was always bubbly?

Flyr: (shrugs)

Botan: (ignoring the commotion) I'll get warm, piping hot!

Yukina: (worriedly) Oh, have you got a fever?

Botan: (mentally thrown off) Uh, what?

Kurama: (gently) Again, I think it's just a phrase here. Botan's not sick. It means something else.

Flyr: (laughing) What? Would it be a temper?

Hiei: (smirks) No, it's -

Botan: (cutting in quickly) I'm a teapot, Yukina.

Yukina: (smiling innocently) You don't look like one!

Tomoyo: (calling out helpfully from backstage) Technically, you're a coffee percolator!

Botan: Oh! Thanks! …whatever that is. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes! (singing once more and pulls out a thermos of tea) Heaven's sake, is that a spot? Clean it up, we want the company impressed! We've got a lot to do - Is it one lump or two? - For you our guest!

Yukina: Two, please!

Everyone: She's our guest!

Yusuke: (little ticked now) Got it!

Botan: (enthusiastically) She's our guest!

Yusuke: (angry) Shut up!

Everyone: (singing just to annoy him) She's our guest!

Yusuke: Arrrghhhh!!!

Keiko: Calm down, Yusuke.

Everyone: Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request!

Kurama: …isn't it the other way around?

Everyone: (not caring) It's ten years since we had anybody here and we're obsessed!

Yusuke: You got that right! Shesh!

Everyone: With your meal, with your ease, yes indeed, we aim to please.

Yusuke: (mutters) Yeah right.

Hiei: Hn.

Everyone: (again, not caring [an: I think they're used to it by now]) While the candlelight's still glowing, let us help you, we'll keep going-

The oni choir by this time, is back on their feet, thanks to the intervention of George, who has put out the flames by a combination of water, some of the food, and the remnants of Koenma's sheets. A few unlucky souls got alcohol poured on them by mistake, but only suffer char marks and are surprisingly okay for their ordeal. The choir stumbles around for a few moments, before Hiei uses the opportunity to surreptitiously knock down one close to him, starting a domino effect that sends the entire group sprawling once more in what appears to be a coordinated effort but is in actuality just dumb luck. No one on cast complains.

Jin: (living it up once more and dragging it out) Course…by…course, one…by…one…

Chu: Get on with it!

Jin: (sticking his tongue out) `Til ya shout, "Enough, I'm done!" Then we'll sing ya off to sleep as ya digest!

Touya: (pushing himself out of the fireplace) Uphf. Please don't.

Jin: (finishing off his grand singing moment with exultant glee) Tonight ya'll prop your feet up, but for let's eat up! Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please be our guest!!

Yusuke: (totally fed up) She gets it!!

Yukina: Oh, that was brilliant!!

Jin: Thanks!!

Touya: Uh, sure… (grabs Yukina's hand and tries to lead her away) Now, why don't you go to bed now, Yukina? (mutters) And get away from Jin's bad influence.

Yukina: Oh, I couldn't possibly go to bed now. It's my first time in an enchanted castle!

Touya: Enchanted? (quickly) Nonsense. Let's just go off to bed -

Jin: Oo! Oo! Would ya like a tour, lassie?

Touya: What?! Hold it! I'm not sure that's such a good idea-

Yukina: (smiling charmingly at Touya) Perhaps you could take me. I'm sure you know everything there is to know about the castle.

Touya: Ah…(deflates under Yukina's happy smile) Okay. I'll give you a tour. (adds almost sarcastically) No charge.