Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: September 23, 2005 20:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
There were a few grammatical errors, such as forgetting to put commas for direct address. One of the errors was this: I'll going to need to replace the wires on that com set. which can be found somewhere near the beginning of the chapter. You should also be careful to make Lillian, as an original character, likable. I think you did a decent job of that though, describing her appearance and miraculously not mentioning something cliche about how gorgeous she is. At some point, it read that she had a heavy Middle Eastern accent; however, her Japanese was flawless. That statement is a little bit of a contradiction in my opinion. Overall, a good first chapter; interesting, especially the last, cliffhanger of a line. Watch out for sounding like a broken record when it comes to adjectives. You mentioned how oversized a particular chair was twice or thrice, I think. Best wishes and thank you very much for submitting to FFARG!
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