Title: Just a suggestion
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 21, 2005 13:17 CST
Comment/Review:
This is a very nice piece, good descriptions and action, and I could get a very good feel for all the major characters. However, I believe that you need better transitions between the segments that are flashbacks and the segments that are present-time. I would suggest reframing the entire piece as an extended conversation between Lykken and another person. Bring the reader back to the present time by having the other person interject a comment now and then. This piece already sounds like Lykken telling his story to someone; a small tweak in POV would allow you to see Lykken do things like drink or gesticulate and, more importantly, it would allow you to transition easily between past and present.
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