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| "Consumed by the Darkness" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFRG--sort of
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: June 27, 2006 20:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
I know the FFRG submission was for Chp 3, but that was so interesting that I read the previous chapters as well. I genuinely enjoyed reading "Consumed By Darkness". If I had began the story from the intense and compelling prologue, I would definitely have continued. The plot only grew stronger as I read, so I commend your exciting, grammatically correct story-telling and wish you the best of luck with this particular writing endeavor. Thank you for submitting to FFRG! --Dee
| Title: FFRG Review
Reviewed By: Wolf in the Night [MediaMiner Member] On: January 04, 2006 19:41 CST
Comment/Review:
I really have enjoyed this story. A few things I would like to touch on are your verd tenses and emotional description. When the grandmother tells the history of their family, you use the past tense. This made me feel like you were saying that it was something their family use to do and not anymore. Also, remember that when Ayumi is talking to her grandmother, it's capitalized because it is now proper. I feel that while you were descriptive with actions, sounds, etc., you were vague about her emotions. I wasn't sure at any given time how Ayumi felt and that made her a very hard character to connect to. I like how you've left the story open to take many different directions. I want to continue reading this, so keep submitting reviews to FFRG.
| Title: FFRG Review, Ch 1 and 2
Reviewed By: MissMusicality [MediaMiner Member] On: January 03, 2006 01:17 CST
Comment/Review:
Wow, you have a wonderful story set up here. I'm already pulled into the plot. Your descriptions are avid, and lovely. You give the reader a great view of the character's emotions, and your dialogue flows very well. There were only a few very small things I noticed. You said "wear most chose to eat their lunches" when it should be "where." Or, you would just have very small little typos, forgetting a letter, or accidently adding one. All were no real big deal. Truthfully, any mistakes were quite minor. Be careful of overusage of commas, though. A few places had commas where none were needed: She had long flowing light blue locks of hair. "Standing not too far off from her, were several other young girls, all dressed in traditional high school uniforms." The comma between "her" and "were" is not neccesary, and even screws up the sentence slightly. But, like I said, these are all minor, but still fixable. Thanks again for your submission, and keep up the good work!
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