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| "Vendetta" Reviews/Comments [ 23 ] | | Pages (2): [ « ‹ 1 2 ] | Title: Wonderful Chapter
Reviewed By: Neominitails [MediaMiner Member] On: April 25, 2006 17:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This sentence should be corrected As soon as he lay down he fell asleep, snoring lightly Maybe as: As soon as he laid down, he fell asleep, snoring lightly. This sentence also needs correction: His face was pale and he looked terrible You need a comma because it is two sentence or you could just say: His face was pale and looked terrible. On this part, I think you'll need a comma to show a pause to make it make more sense also. Next time promise me you'll just come talk to me." She laid her hand on the side of his face and made him look her in the eye. He nodded dumbly and then sprawled out on the bed. Usagi took the bottle and left him to sleep Maybe, instead: Next time, promise me, you'll just come to talke to me..." ... I loved this part: "You're so beautiful," he said softly. "Thank you." She blushed and turned away, focusing all her attention on the dishes. "We're going to go over to Vegeta's." Such a sweet and innocent part there should be no comma in this part of the sentence because that is not two sentences. Vegeta was set to leave in a few hours, but wanted to get a little training in beforehand. If you want to use a comma you should add the word 'he' after 'but' and 'wanted.' I realy liked this part... I like how you show Usagi's caring personality and Rei's personality and the part before it. It remnds me of the Stars series with that one dude who liked her. "You need to get out of there, Usagi. I know he's normally nice, but alcohol messes with people. Maybe Vegeta could help," Rei said. "Not that he'd want to help, but I could..." She blushed at the thought. If it meant keeping Usagi safe, she'd do it. Usagi seemed to read her mind. "Don't. He...he needs someone to take care of him. If he's all by himself, he'll do something really horrible. I can't just leave him like this. He's a complete mess, and I have to help him." Another misuse of the compound sentence... there needs to be two sentences in order to have the comma: Usagi didn't respond, but thought to herself that there was one reason Rei might. But it should be written like this: Usagi didn't respond, but she thought to herself that there was one reason Rei might. Or: Usagi didn't respond but thought to herself that there was one reason Rei might. On this sentence: The other creature looked like a large, tawny cat, standing higher than her knees and able to put its paws up on her shoulders like some dogs were wont to do. I think the word 'wont' is menat to be 'want' to do. I think that this part was very romantic... veyr romantic! She spent a good fifteen minutes poking around the garden, an expression of pure joy on her face. She wasn't sure why she felt so happy, but it was a wonderful feeling and she couldn't bring herself to end it. Still, she was starting to get cold, and it was starting to snow softly. She tugged her cloak closer around her and shivered slightly. Zarbon noticed and returned to her side. "Cold?" he asked, smirking slightly at her. She blushed and nodded. Instead of steering her inside, as she suspected he'd do, he pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Her blush deepened, but at the same time she felt inclined to snuggle closer to him. He was so warm and strong, and he made her feel safe. "I understand, if you can never get past what I did to your friend. But I don't think I could take it if you hated me." He removed one of his arms from around her waist and lifted it to cup her face, making her look him in the face. For that moment, she couldn't tear her eyes from his, too shocked to say anything. ... and so on. I found the chapter to be beautifully written! I loved it, absolutely. This chapter had beautiful description and Rei showed a lot of character developement in this chapter. I'm glad you saw that Rei saw more of Vegeta's personality. My longest review... WOW!~!! Wonderful! I can no longer write anymore on sites!
| Title: I love it
Reviewed By: Neominitails [MediaMiner Member] On: April 18, 2006 11:53 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I really enjoyed this chapter! This may be my shortest review, though!! LOl! there was on part where you did a misspelling and there may have been two but I forgot. Where it said something about Rei and vegeta and then: he had another think cming. well, I bahve to do homework so Bye! WUV YA! Think should be thing. Besides that< I found the chapter to be very enjoyable! Rei does seem that she had gotten closer to Vegeta whether she admitted or not but then hearing the prostitiution in the commonness of Minako, it had upset her and even angered her. 18 months, eh? Then she could be free if she didn't fall in love with her and if she he wins, she had to sleep in his bed every night until he got tired of her... hmmm... LOL! Interesting.... Interesting vision, does the Pluto part have to do with there being two different timelines like one where Serena becomes a princess while the other is where there is no Mamoru? I loved the vision... veur interesting.
| Title: Very Interesting
Reviewed By: Neominitails [MediaMiner Member] On: April 12, 2006 12:29 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well, before I go on to the compliments... I will start off with some things that need correction.... but believe me there is more good then things I found wrong. Well, first off: The building was made of a metal Hotaru could not recognize, but it was strangely pleasing to the eyes, unlike the harshness of steel skyscrapers she was accustomed to in Tokyo. On that sentence, it is a Compound-Complex sentence, so it should be worded: The building was made of a metal Hotaru could not recognize, but it was strangely pleasing to the eyes unlike the harshness of steel skyscrapers she was accustomed to in Tokyo. because complex sentences do no have comma before though they do have it after it there is a sentence after it. the sentence needn't another comma. Also: The walk to her rooms took some time, and she ached by the end of the journey, but she counted it a plus that she was still conscious and upright. By the way it is written, it comes of as a run-on. The wording could be: the walk to the room took some time, her body aching by the end of the journey, but she counted it a plus that she was still conscious and upright. Also, Serena doesn't know how to cook. Hotaru is the only scout without a past life. Why? In the past, it was Michiru and Haruka's job to keep the 'Silence' from ever awakening however when the scouts were all reorn on earth, the one whom was never born was also born along with them. Another compund-complex sentence. It was the same grammar mistake: Usagi liked this, since he always took her along and she could spend the time with Rei. It should be written something like: Usagi liked this since he always took her along, and she could spend time with Rei. the comma should've been before the and because 'she could spend the time with Rei' is a sentence on it's own. This sentence make a small punctuation mistake: He tried to ask her what was wrong, but she shook her head, told him not to worry about it, and had holed herself up in her room for the rest of the day. It should be written: He tried to ask her whats wrong, but she shook her head,told him not to worry about it then holed herself in her room for the rest of the day. Or something because there should be no comma before the 'and had holed herself' because that is not a sentence on its won and you could use the compund complex sentence rule to make it into a better sentence. Anyways, I think that was all i found wrong because i really didn't pay attention to the mistakes. Now, to the good stuff that makes the heart feel good: I love as I love your chapter and how you keep the charcters in character. I will try to hurry up with this because I got to go soon. I loved how you showed Rei's proetctivness over Serena even to Goku and also how you showed how they reacted to the part of destroying planetes just to get to Frieza. Hoataru's part was full of beautiful description and as always I loved the part. Rei and vegeta'a part was something to crack up at. I wonder what happened to Krilllin. I loved the chapter.
| Title: Amazing!
Reviewed By: Neominitails [MediaMiner Member] On: April 05, 2006 10:31 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This has to be the best chapter that you wrote though there is one part that needs to be corrected. This part: Bulma led her to a table currently empty save one woman SAVe should be except But anyways... your description was wonderful for this chapter... the way you had described Mina in the image of the way Vegeta saw her was wonderful! Anyways... I thought at the beginning the Vegeta and Mina part was hilarious... her embarrassment as she tried to explain why usagi was a princess and why she needed to protect her. I enjoyed the Ami pat, greatly and the last part after Bulma was like how did you do that and Ami responded 'Magic.' I loved that part and I knew it must've worried Ami to find that they had the outer's weapon's... did they have Saturn's glaive like weapon. I also enjoyed how she said that the weapons were used with magic not ki like most in this dimension. All of mina's part was veyr enjoyable. The description in this chapter was wonderful. Dialogue was great too. I can't wait until the next chapter!
| Title: A very good chapter
Reviewed By: Neominitails [MediaMiner Member] On: April 04, 2006 20:19 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'm so sorry I didn't review last week but i had so much homewokr and my keyboard kept messing up! Thank you for the reviews to my story, which i did update! Anyways... as always, i ahve thoroughly enjoyed your chapter... make sure on the next chapter this 'magnificent' palace is well described! Poor Hotaru had to put on so much clothing! I, actually, loved the makato and Gohan part! :) It was veyr interesting and you did well keeping them in character! I must say that for this story to be so good which I sort of think is one of the hardest crossovers because of the show being so different, you are awesome! Please Update!! :) sorry i ddin't review earlier... i feel so bad!!
| Title: A very good chapter
Reviewed By: Neominitails On: March 20, 2006 19:58 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Ahh... I'm one of those FF.net reviewers... but then again I never just say update soon... LOL. But, then again. whenever you tell people to be honest I do belive peopl are a little more honest because some people don't want people to be honest they live the saying 'If you aint got nothing nice to say, don't say nothign at all' Anyways.. I cab't give a very big review but i will give my basic though! LOL... I wish i could but i'm doing homework~~!! LOL... anyways, I loved your cahpter... the little kid had me in susense because I was wondering who'd Lita be getting. I thought the Mina part was veyr touching in a way because she no longer cared about how others would look at her if she became a prostitue because of her being a protector of Usagi as long as she could get freedom then she would do it. Reii's part was just funny because she was spening his money like it was her money!! LOL... Hotaru was somewhat a sad part to me ebcause of her trust for a man whom didn't deserve to be trusted and was tricking her into trusting him... she seems to be falling in love, eh?
| Title: Rei Michiru Goku.... Description
Reviewed By: Neominitails On: March 08, 2006 18:09 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well, I found tjis chapter to be very good compared to the last chapter... I loved it!! I would say, though, you should try practicing describing the scenery and the people of whom you are writing about. You are very good at setting the mood but description is very important which you are okay at doing. I genuinely loved the chapter but try to ad description of place and person so that it'll be easier for people to see who you are speaking about and where and what it looks liker.... it makes it more compelling. Anyways, I loved the parts of the people of whom I named on top... just loved it! I felt bad for Michiru because of how she's feeling... losing the only thinkg that kept her sane because it made her feel connected to home. I was surprised that Frieza is having someone killed... who? Well, I'll have to wait eh?
| Reviewed By: stars_infinity On: March 03, 2006 17:07 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
There are a few things about this fic that keep it from being a 10. I marked it down the most for originality: I've seen enslavement fics before, usually not in the DBZ/SM fandom, but most of them are very similar to this. However, Goku's behavior is unique as far as I've seen. Usually he has become a monster or never actually left Vegeta-sei: your concept for him is original as far as I've seen. And I guess the fact that this is a Sailor Moon crossover makes it unique, but I've still seen some of these plot points before. As far as Goku is concerned, I can't say I'm entirely pleased with the character shift. I have quite a fondness for Goku as he was in the series: the powerful warrior with a big heart. But I admire that you're able to keep some of his character intact: I see more and more of the man he was on Earth as the story goes along. I think I was initially unhappy because it didn't seem like it was justified, but as I've read I can understand the change better. I recommend that you continue to show justification as you write. All of the other characters are remarkably true to form, so kudos for that. As for style: I think that some of the characters are not well enough described. It took me a long time to figure out who Zarbon was, and I'm still not sure if I'm supposed to recognize the beady-eyed man who assaulted Hotaru. I think that, for clarity's sake, it would be best for you to spend a little more time and energy creating a picture of the captors and other supporting characters. As far as spelling and grammar are concerned, I think I might have spotted a few sentances that were too run-on. I'm not exactly editing this as I go, of course, so I can't point to something specific. Other than that, though, you have fantastic grammar. In spite of all these things, you'll notice that I gave it's enjoyability a 10. I think that you've created a remarkably wonderful fic, and I'll be sure to look for this to come out with new chapters. Please keep up the amazing work!
| Reviewed By: Neominitails On: March 01, 2006 23:45 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well... I'll save the best for last on this review for this chapter; I'll be honest with it just as you asked. I found this chapter to be sort of boring... but it still had its part that surprised me and kept me reading. Your originlaity is still very high and I'm proud to be reading it, but I had a hard time getting into this chapter... You had a little spelling errors that are easily have slipped over. But I was ver surprised by Hotaru's oart... I was confused and may still be confused of who messed with her ( or who was made inot looking like they did!) But nonetheless I found the intruiging (spelling?) I can't wait til the next update!!
| Title: Rei Vegeta
Reviewed By: Neominitails On: February 26, 2006 20:40 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I really enjoyed this chapter... probably because I love Rei and vegeta's part! Rei... aye... I love that character. I liked how you showed Rei and Mina's protective manner of Serena, especially, the way you kept everyone in character, espcially REI! I hope you update soon.. oh yeah, I love your description. Could you read mys troy 'Fiery Rose'
| Title: FF.net writer
Reviewed By: Neominitails On: February 17, 2006 16:06 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Okay, I'm sorry I didn;t review a long time ao but I just finished with what you have so far!!! I enjoyed this story so far.. so so veyr much!! This is way better than that last story that I reviewed of yours and I can't wait til you update!! I liked the way you kept EACH of your characters in character even in situation it may be hard to do. Such as, Goku and Vegeta when it came to owning slaves... it shows Vegeta's cold hearted ness with the description of what he likes in his slaves (the one that he wants to be in bed with) and how he has so many of them while Goku had none (also showing his pure hearted ways). I loved the SM parts and the battle parts... felt so bad for Michiru.. poor little lady. It looks like Frieza has big plans for Hotaru, eh? I am so glad you pointed me to this story!! I would write more but I have homework to do!! So update Soon!!
| Reviewed By: Jay FicLover doesn't remember her password to sign in On: February 03, 2006 15:17 CST
Comment/Review:
I agree with Miroku! Please come back! It won't be the same without you... I don't feel like writing anymore since I heard you weren't coming to the site again.
| Reviewed By: Jay FicLover doesn't remember her password to sign in On: February 03, 2006 15:16 CST
Comment/Review:
I agree with Miroku! Please come back! It won't be the same without you... I don't feel like writing anymore since I heard you weren't coming to the site again.
| Title: come on
Reviewed By: miroku has darkness On: February 03, 2006 14:59 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Please go back to writing on fanfiction it's not the same this is like one of the only good sm/dbz crossover's and your not going to get your wanted reviews from this backwater site you need to get back to the ff.net puerdre we need you
| Reviewed By: Jay FicLover hasn't logged in On: January 30, 2006 13:10 CST
Comment/Review:
I can't believe they took it down in ff(dot)net! What did they say? I don't care about the rating thing, your story was one of the best in the entire section! T_T
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