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| "No Title Yet" Reviews/Comments [ 9 ] | Reviewed By: scaryiest On: March 18, 2007 01:14 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Harry most dominate.
| Reviewed By: Ketsueki-ken [MediaMiner Member] On: October 02, 2006 09:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
uh..hello?...well uh lets see...I found this story nice. I would really like you to update this it's so cute...but it sort of seems like you're rushing through it. Maybe you should try and slow it down or something? DOn't worry I have a problem with the whole rushing thing aswell...so it doesn't really bother me. (^-^)Update please!
| Reviewed By: Bombayoni [MediaMiner Member] On: June 21, 2006 00:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
wow... you still have homework? How old are you, may I ask, and was it Filch?
| Title: ^_^
Reviewed By: XxDarkLightXx (too lzy to log on.. -_-) On: May 05, 2006 00:16 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
can't wait for more! pls countinue!
| Reviewed By: insanechildfanfic [MediaMiner Member] On: April 28, 2006 11:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
this is great. I love it. I can't wait for more...though you might want to expand on some ares.
| Reviewed By: Nobodynow On: April 26, 2006 20:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
That bit about 'Light' was worded badly. I meant to get across that Yugi's all bubbly and happiness so he's the light where Yami is down to earth and less optimistic. I did give you my email incase you wanted to discuss it with me so you don't have to bother with Mediaminer but that's okay. I just focused on the prolouge because it's the most important part of a story. It's what draws the readers in and keeps them there. Despite the shortness your first chapter was dry, some people have a poem or a character's thoughts about something and it's not even a page long either but it draws you in. I'll await chapter eight for further judgement. But redoing it's a good idea and you'll get more readers that become reviewers. Spur of the moment things rarely come out well. Good luck. Thank You. DK ;)
| Reviewed By: Daisuke14 [MediaMiner Member] On: April 25, 2006 19:16 CDT
Comment/Review:
thank you for your concerns, but i'm afraid that the whole thing about Yugi being the light at the end of the tunnel has little to do with the actual outcome of the story. this is a Harry/Yami/Yugi fic, so since Yami is not a hikari sort of kills the idea. not to mention i kind of wrote the prologue on the spot, since i wanted to get to the story, and it was a little short. i will retry later, but for now focus your concerns on the main story. i'm currently writing chapter eight, and i am pretty close to the end, so try for me then
| Reviewed By: Nobodynow On: April 24, 2006 20:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off the first chapter was beyond too short. Prolouges tend to be on the skinny side but this wasn't a even a page long. It was short dry and not enjoyable in the least. That is why you have no reviews you, scared them all off. I cannot say this is a simple matter of changing this or that because truthfully the writing quality was poor, the sentence structure was bad and the plot seems run of the mill and boring. However I'm here to help so read the entire review please. This is truthful constructive critism. There are some WONDERFUL bits in here that you need to polish and this can be an amazing story if you work at it. First before you consiter writing a story you must read, read, read and maybe read a bit. Compare how you write to how other authors write. Everyone has their own style, favorite words, favorite sentence structures ectra. However these must all be used together to make the reader forget about what they are doing and be drawn into the world. Here's your work with my comments: "The train rattled under Harry's feet. He was alone in the compartment; Ron and Hermione were still in the Prefect's car. There was something odd in the air. (These sentences are choppy and have poor sentence variaty. You need for them to flow into one another so the periods aren't so much pauses as the end of a thought as they're supposed to be. You could've written: The train rattled under Harry's worn trainers makeing his head vibrate from where it rested on the window. His years had never been normal but some how this year was even more unique. The feeling twined around his mind and hung in the very air. End See how that flows better? Your writing is like going up a hill and pressing the gas then the brake, gas, brake and once you get there you wonder why you bothered pressing the gas at all and had not taken a different road. You want your readers to be glad they checked out your story, entertain them.)
| Reviewed By: Nobodynow On: April 24, 2006 20:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
Harry felt as though something drastic was going to happen to him, but since the past seemed to loom over him, it seemed like it had to be something good. (Nice idea but you might want to give it straight from his thoughts like Rowlings did. It's choppy yet again, if you break it up and add on it'll sound better. Example: Harry felt as though something drastic was going to happen. It wasn't a bad feeling, in fact with despite everything bad that had happened in the past few years this seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel. End. You play on the fact that most consider Yugi Yami's hikari or 'Light' side and it sounds better. More organized.) Yet the feeling seemed even better than that. (This sentence is completely useless) It felt like something absolutely wonderful were about to happen to Harry, and only Harry. This feeling cheered him up greatly, and stayed with him until he fell asleep. (Another very nice thought. I would like this sentence very much if you expanded on it. The sentence 'Harry and only Harry' has nice wording but it doesn't fit. You might want to put that ending put at the top next to 'something good' and make the sentence longer. And add how that makes him feel. Does he feel special, scared he'll screw up? We need more character thought. Also having it end on him falling asleep is EXCELLENT! It'll give the story a nice leaving off feeling but you need to describe it more. Does the thought make him feel warm and even the crusty old train cushions feel like feather beds? I remember having the BEST dream of nuzzling Ryou (JUST cuddling, we were like best friends) and it made me feel awsome the rest of the day. Try to encorperate that kind of feeling, have you ever fell asleep after a long day of fun and the bed was just SOOOO comfy? Describe it as if you were Harry comparing it to maybe his bed at the Durleys.) Overall you just need to shape up your writing, make it more enjoyable. I normally hate crossovers but this one seemed so lonely I had to read and review. You did ask for opinions and here are mine. If you wish to discuss them email me at Jcmhar @ aol . com without the spaces. I'll be happy to do a little on the side beta reading if your ever in a pickle and you can find a permenant one on a forum here under the fanfiction I believe. I might make sense to rewrite all the chapters and really work at them, rewriting and marking down thoughts with a red pen/pencil may help and picking up a writing book (I like the idiot's guide to writing myself) which are nurmorous and in many variaties, get one for fiction/fantesy/prose though many may have these entermixed with others. A writing class can also help but the best thing to do is to read as much as possible, manga/comics have competely different goals and guidelines from text/prose so those won't help with anything but keeping the characters in character. I highly suggest getting a beta who has been around the block and not someone you know, make sure it's a nonbias opinion and someone who knows writing. Good luck. Thank You. DK ;)
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