Reviewed By: Fanilia [MediaMiner Member] On: October 04, 2006 01:06 CDT
Comment/Review:
Nice start. I did notice some switching from past to present tense and some of the double wording I've mentioned before. The chapter carries well giving quite a bit of background information. It is also that information which gives me the basis of my suggestion. Your main characters background in both the militray and in Jedi training would lend to a stronger personality. He asks for permission to use the long range communications equipment, offering to show ID. To me he should command the attention of the solider no matter how stressed the guy is. He would state what he needs not ask for it and as any military personal would do when entering a base, he would have the ID out already. Overall your start is good, you give the reader a compelling question to keep them reading was the main characters hero true to the force or was he taken over by the dark side.~Fanilia
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