Reviewed By: Zarm [MediaMiner Member] On: January 05, 2007 02:09 CST
Comment/Review:
Few things you can work on here. Firstly, learn to break your story into easily readable paragraphs. One big chunk of story is a huge put-off for readers. They see that and go, "Ugh! Do I want to attempt to read this?" (Happened to me.) Secondly, your sentences are very stilted and choppy. Add to sentences so you don't end up with a ton of little short declarative statements. Your descriptions of agencies, people and events also seem rather dry. Try beefing it up and explaining what letter agencies stand for, just as an example. Thirdly, grammar and punctuation. Proper use of homonyms and commas are important to the drama you're trying to set. I suggest reading a bit more stories to see how things are spaced out, where you could add sentences together to make things seem a bit less boring.
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