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| "Kyoudai no Meiyo (The Honor of Brothers)" Reviews/Comments [ 18 ] | Reviewed By: Caitriona [MediaMiner Member] On: January 28, 2008 21:22 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
I believe that this work has a lot of potential. The basic storyline is a good one and all by itself has the ability to draw in the reader. The emotions that you draw from the characters is very good. You draw forth their feelings towards themselves and one another with a fair bit of eloquence. The interaction is good as well. You show the interpersonal relationships through actual interaction, not just through storytelling or storytelling dialogue. But there are some things that would make it a better piece over all. First, you need to work a little on your dialog. Most dialog has a tag attached to it so that the reader can tell who is saying what, and what they are doing while they are saying it. You cut the dialog off from the rest of the character's actions like chopping down a tree. You can make the dialog flow just as much as you have the emotions behind it. Second, you switch between English and Japanese at the drop of a hat. Allow the peoples, personas, places and things you describe be what leads your reader to believe that the characters are really in feudal Japan. not the language. All the switching does is put off the reader who doesn't speak or read Japanese. They skip over what they don't understand. My suggestion is to drop 90% of the Japanese and let your story stand on its own. I hope that you take this constructive critisism in the spirit that it is intended - helpful. I think that you have a good beginning that just needs to be tweaked. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 22:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
This (9) was my favorite chapter of all so far. Trust Inuyasha to screw everything up with his thoughtless remarks. He definitely made it sound like he regretted them being together. His thoughts about her never wanting to be his friend after this were strange. Did he not want to continue on as lovers or more? I loved it that Sesshoumaru picked up on what had happened. I hope he sets his little brother straight on some things. Inu could certainly use a good talking-to by an older, wiser male. I also liked Sango picked the leaves and twigs from their hair. So, SHE knows. Poor Kagome. You know, after waiting for him for seven years, and finally hearing him say he loves her, and consumating their relationship only to have him seem to back out of it, well, -- maybe Sess should start courting her to wake Inu up. LOL! Of course, Kag was so selfless in her desire to help Inu, -- risking her own life and health. Can't wait until Sess or Kaede tells him that. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 22:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
Nice lemon. I like the way you keep sprinkling in Japanese phrases, but a translation at the end would be nice. I think Kagome accepted his "I love you" awfully easily, considering she has thought for SEVEN YEARS that he loved Kikyou. I would have liked to have seen him say more about his feelings for both women, and what makes his love for Kagome so much MORE than his love for Kikyou was. But, that was a nice way/place/time for the two of them to come together. This changes things, but how much and how? What do they both think the future holds for them now? Nice chapter.
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 22:15 CDT
Comment/Review:
Another question just hit me: if Kikyou was killed, why didn't Kagome notice that piece of her soul returning to her?
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 22:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
Aha! The quest has gone on for 7 years. Wow, that's a heck of a long time. So, Kag's 22? Shippou must be at least 14. I like your answer to why Miroku's kazaana still exists. It makes sense that since Hakudoushi is a part of Naraku, they have to destroy him, too. I'm looking forward to seeing some of Inu's thoughts about the deceased-again Kikyou, and what he's going to do now that he's NOT going to hell with her. I didn't mention before how much I liked Sess' thoughts about Kagome and that she didn't stink like most humans. And, of course, I loved Inu's possessive outburst. I shall continue!
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 22:02 CDT
Comment/Review:
Chapter six was just full of shocks and lots of answers to my earlier questions. So, Kikyou, Kouga, and Kagura fought Naraku with Sesshoumaru. And Kikyou was killed. Again. (Yay! I'd feel sorry for Inuyasha if I could, but I can't. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Kikyou-hater. LOL!) I guess that takes care of Inu's so-called promise to her. But, he will never get to choose Kagome over her, so how can Kagome ever believe him, if and when he confesses his feelings? I feel sorry for Kagome and Kouga, though. Had his legs ripped off, huh? Gruesome. And Sess feels indebted to Kagura, huh? This is certainly a softer version of the daiyoukai. And Miroku's wind tunnel is still there. I am still very, very intrigued by that!! I will continue on to find out more!
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 21:40 CDT
Comment/Review:
Just finished chapter four. Wow! So, Sesshoumaru went off and defeated Naraku by himself and retrieved the huge chunk of the jewel Narak had in his possession. Hmmm. Seems the story is over. LOL!! And considering how badly injured he was when he and Rin met, when he couldn't really move after having been hit with the Wind Scar, he must be in REALLY bad shape. Poor Rin! The repercussions of him slaying Naraku present some very interesting possibilities. On the one hand, with Naraku dead, Kikyou miaght want Inu to come with her to hell now. On the other hand, Inu did NOT avenge her. So, now what the heck does he do? And didn't Miroku notice the wind tunnel disappearing? This is very, very intriguing, and of course, I'm sure you have another adventure/storyline in mind for our heroes, since this action all took place off-screen, so to speak. I can't wait to see what your plan is!
| Reviewed By: madmiko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 21:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
Just started reading this one, and I'm only through chapter 2 so far. I liked the first chapter, with Inu's thoughts about Kagome always being so late returning. Interesting that he couldn't understand why Kagome gets so upset when he goes to see Kikyou, tyet he admitted he didn't have to the last time. And he's planning to die with her? then his thought that it was HIS past and had nothing to do with Kagome was an interesting one, too. Stupid, but typical Inuyasha. ^_^ I am very curious about this second chapter, though. If Rin is around 16, that would make Kagome about 23 now. Why is she studying for tests? She would even be through college by now. I will have to read on to find out, ne? LOL! I like the idea that they're going to have to go find Sesshoumaru. Nice beginning.
| Reviewed By: ElegantPaws [MediaMiner Member] On: September 25, 2007 22:25 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Oh dear...Sesshoumaru...could it be you love your ward...OF COURSE NOT, perish the thought...tsk tsk. As to Kagome, and selflessness...BANG ON!...I expect no less....well done, and to think, you have to be up early and yet you grace us with another brilliant chapter. I love Sesshoumaru's query as to Kagome's motivations, in many ways, he is quite the innocent soul. Wonderful, simply marvellous...a pleasure to read. Magnifica! EP
| Reviewed By: ElegantPaws [MediaMiner Member] On: August 18, 2007 11:24 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
You never disappoint, with each chapter you embue the characters with more depth and intrigue as the story grows wings. We are pulled in and root for our favourite duo, while being drawn to the plight of the secondary characters. All this and firmly in canon too. Well done....as always, please more. Ever so proud of you. ElegantPaws
| Reviewed By: kokoronagomu [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2007 13:43 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
one can see sesshoumaru may feel reluctantly indebted to yash's party for helping him at his weakest. a fragile accord to be made between brothers? . . . i enjoy your writing style. ~ thank you, ginny
| Reviewed By: kokoronagomu [MediaMiner Member] On: August 15, 2007 22:50 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
interesting and well written. i shall eagerly anticipate more. ~ thank you, ginny
| Reviewed By: crissy-cris [MediaMiner Member] On: August 07, 2007 16:35 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
I like the concept and it is very original, at least to me and at least for now. Keep up the good work though, I can't wait to find out what happened to Sesshoumaru.
| Title: How Aptly Titled
Reviewed By: ElegantPaws [MediaMiner Member] On: August 04, 2007 16:26 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Absolutely, positively wonderful! I particularly enjoyed this chapter, as we were allowed to go within to visit the internal musings of each character wonderfully well. It was a feast of words and poignant feelings. I particularly enjoyed Inuyasha as his kind heart did win out, warming both the daiyoukai and the miko in turn, for entirely different reasons. Rin's internal eloquence also was telling, as well as the not oft quoted and minded Sango. Truly, the story gets better and better with each chapter. I look forward to more. ElegantPaws
| Title: Loved Chapter 4
Reviewed By: ElegantPaws [MediaMiner Member] On: July 30, 2007 12:49 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Again, completely canon in characterizations with just a decidely entertaining twist. Well done, looking foward to more soon. Oooooooh I am sooooooooo freakin updset! Sesshy is injured....poor Rin, she has never seen the almighty one in this predicament. It is most disconcerting. More, more, need to know more! ElegantPaws
| Title: An Excellent Beginning
Reviewed By: ElegantPaws [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2007 21:55 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
***Big Smile*** I have loved this story from your first words. Already I love your portrayal of Inuyasha as he awaits the miko's return. He is downright adorable and humourous too. I look forward to his story's unfolding. You have kept the characters sacred and this is not always easy to do. It is canon thus far. Thoroughly enjoyable and looking forward to more. ElegantPaws
| Reviewed By: IfICouldMarryInuyashaIwould [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2007 20:58 CDT
Comment/Review:
Wow, that's all I can say. Great start to what seems to be shaping up to be a very compelling story! I'm working on my own bit of something to post on here, and I know that something of this quality is the fruit of a lot of careful thought and skill. In between working on my own first fiction (or at least the first one I'll keep on the site for longer than a month) I'm always looking for something good to read, and you've piqued my interest. Keep it up! Ja ne!
| Reviewed By: Asaka_Sama [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2007 07:22 CDT
Comment/Review:
Wow, cliff hanger! I'm really interested in seeing you update this fic! You're really giving it plenty of effort, and that shows through your writing. Good job!
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