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| "The Gravity Room" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Title: Let's try this again....
Reviewed By: Rachel the Demon On: November 18, 2003 12:31 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 3 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
Forgive my idiocy with HTML code....reposting ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *currently attempting not to gouge eyeballs out with a grapefruit spoon* I read this just out of curiosity to find out what the hype over DBZ incest yaoi was about (not that I really care about DBZ anymore personally). Um...to put it nicely, I'm not impressed. I'll give you points for semi-originality. DBZ yaoi seems to be a fairly new thing to me. I'd run across it before, but in the vast crop of DBZ fic-dom, it's really a very small corner. I'll give you points for spelling and grammar. I couldn't really find any major mistakes. And lastly, I'll give you points for having a somewhat decent writing style. There's some nice imagery and descriptions in there, and a couple of interesting lines. But now, the sort-of-ugly-stuff begins. Characterization -- It's...well...largely nonexistent. I understand it's a PWP, but even plotless porn is perfectly capable of being in-character. Were you to change the names of the characters and omit the word "Saiya-Jin," you could easily mask the participants as any other seme, uke, and a surprised but willing third party. I suppose what I'm saying is that it doesn't really feel like Vegeta, Trunks, and Gokou here. They're just cardboard cutout wearing those characters' names. Exposition -- When dealing with a non-canon pairing such as this, exposition is VERY important. Especially in a PWP because you don't have a plot to explain things. Why are Gokou abd Vegeta having sex? Why is Trunks willing to join in? Other than a case of raging Saiyajin hormones, you don't give a suitable explanation. Being believable is a big part of making a lemon enjoyable. And at least to me, you haven't done enough to suspend my disbelief that these characters would actually do this. Writing Style (minor quip) -- Something that tends to be a problem with many yaoi (and yuri) lemons is that participating parties are of the same gender. Thus, pronouns are tricky business. What I noticed with this one was too much "him-ing," too much naming, and too few differentiating labels. To the point where it got semi-confusing as to who was doing what to whom. I suggest giving each participant at least four or five distinctive and effective labels (but nothing too outlandish). Mechanics of Sex -- If there's one thing you certainly forgot to have them do (and I see it a LOT in yaoi fics), it's use some kind of lubricant. Without proper lubrication, anal sex (even between men and women) tends to be very uncomfortable, a lot of times painful, for both parties. Even if they've been doing it for a while, tearing stil occurs. Some of the better choices for lubricant are massage oil, baby oil (yes, I know some gay friends who actually use this), and of course K-Y Liquid (or make up an alternative brand yourself for story purposes). One thing I can definitely say separates this from a lot of yaoi lemons I've had the misfortune of reading is that you spent a substantial about of time on foreplay. Points for that. I'm certainly not squicked by incest if it can be made believable, nor am I really squicked by yaoi as a whole (even though it really isn't my cup of coffee). This story just didn't really impress me all that much.
| Title: Well....it's original....
Reviewed By: Rachel the Demon On: November 18, 2003 12:27 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 3 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
*currently attempting not to gouge eyeballs out with a grapefruit spoon* I read this just out of curiosity to find out what the hype over DBZ incest yaoi was about (not that I really care about DBZ anymore personally). Um...to put it nicely, I'm not impressed. I'll give you points for semi-originality. DBZ yaoi seems to be a fairly new thing to me. I'd run across it before, but in the vast crop of DBZ fic-dom, it's really a very small corner. I'll give you points for spelling and grammar. I couldn't really find any major mistakes. And lastly, I'll give you points for having a somewhat decent writing style. There's some nice imagery and descriptions in there, and a couple of interesting lines. But now, the sort-of-ugly-stuff begins. Characterization -- It's...well...largely nonexistent. I understand it's a PWP, but even plotless porn is perfectly capable of being in-character. Were you to change the names of the characters and omit the word "Saiya-Jin," you could easily mask the participants as any other seme, uke, and a surprised but willing third party. I suppose what I'm saying is that it doesn't really feel like Vegeta, Trunks, and Gokou here. They're just cardboard cutout wearing those characters' names. Exposition -- When dealing with a non-canon pairing such as this, exposition is VERY important. Especially in a PWP because you don't have a plot to explain things. Why are Gokou abd Vegeta having sex? Why is Trunks willing to join in? Other than a case of raging Saiyajin hormones, you don't give a suitable explanation. Being believable is a big part of making a lemon enjoyable. And at least to me, you haven't done enough to suspend my disbelief that these characters would actually do this. Writing Style (minor quip) -- Something that tends to be a problem with many yaoi (and yuri) lemons is that participating parties are of the same gender. Thus, pronouns are tricky business. What I noticed with this one was too much "him-ing," too much naming, and too few differentiating labels. To the point where it got semi-confusing as to who was doing what to whom. I suggest giving each participant at least four or five distinctive and effective labels (but nothing too outlandish). Mechanics of Sex -- If there's one thing you certainly forgot to have them do (and I see it a LOT in yaoi fics), it's use some kind of lubricant. Without proper lubrication, anal sex (even between men and women) tends to be very uncomfortable, a lot of times painful, for both parties. Even if they've been doing it for a while, tearing stil occurs. Some of the better choices for lubricant are massage oil, baby oil (yes, I know some gay friends who actually use this), and of course K-Y Liquid (or make up an alternative brand yourself for story purposes). One thing I can definitely say separates this from a lot of yaoi lemons I've had the misfortune of reading is that you spent a substantial about of time on foreplay. Points for that. I'm certainly not squicked by incest if it can be made believable, nor am I really squicked by yaoi as a whole (even though it really isn't my cup of coffee). This story just didn't really impress me all that much.
| Reviewed By: SaintMe [MediaMiner Member] On: March 04, 2003 22:28 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
ok.... i NEVER read incest fics... BUT THIS WAS PHENOMINAL!! I really enjoyed that ^_^
*runs off the read your sequals* | Reviewed By: veggiesprincess [MediaMiner Member] On: November 27, 2002 03:34 CST
Comment/Review:
hey u got on to mm.org hope u get twice as many reviews on ur stories like u did at ff.net ur a great author and good yaoi writer laterz ^_^
~Veggie-P~(or VEGETASPRINCESS at ff.net ^_^) |
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