Reviewed By: MiraiSonGokou [MediaMiner Member] On: January 22, 2004 18:01 CST
Comment/Review:
I think it needs some work. There is little explanation of anything, but rather, stating facts. The best way to build a story is to 'show' the reader, not 'tell'. That is, don't state 'he is such-and-such tall with blue eyes' for example, try and put it into something...eg: 'his blue eyes watched as the shorter boy ran past'. Also, you may want to try and think about your plot a little more. Is it at any length believable? No doubt you weren't trying to write a sci-fi realistic story, but still, there has to be a little grip of truth in the story to hold your reader's attention. For example...you might want to try putting it in Japan rather than China, since most manga characters - save the Fushigi Yuugi ones - live in Japan. Characters from Tekken and DBZ for example, live in Japan. Doing that will just help a little to hold your reader's attention. China is a rather cliche and random place to throw the story... Altogether, if you try, you can make a story with a goofy sense of humour and not a scrap of seriousness...but in a more sensible way that other authors will admire. Even writing in novel style can have people rolling about laughing. Give it a shot, see what you can do...put as much thought into the next chapter as you can.
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