|
| "I'm on the hunt" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: May 23, 2005 12:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
First of all, Krystal, you've played on a clichéd theme with a nice, new perspective. I like that. The "hunting" aspect is nice, and a great way to describe Sango's longing for a life where all her loved ones are free and happy. There's a lot of problems, though, with the technical aspect of the story. In short, the grammar is a mess. I know you were probably trying to go for each line having some "punch" to it, especially the "I'm on the hunt" but, and I say this in the most respectful way possibly, paragraphs exist for a reason. (I'm truly sorry for what I'm about to say if this was all a formatting/uploading problem; I know sometimes word documents freak out when uploading.) You cannot have a whole story that is one one-liner after another, especially when some of the "paragraph" breaks are in the middle of sentences. You can never start another "paragraph" after "ending" a line with a comma. It goes against every grammar guideline in the rulebook. I would suggest posting in the "I Need a Beta" thread in the forums to find someone who can help you put the lines together so the story flows right. The story in itself is heartwrenching and a good addition to MM.org's archives, once the grammar is taken care of. I didn't see any spelling errors, and I thought you had a good handle of descriptors. Sometimes, one-liners can add punch I would suggest, when the story is fixed - should you decide to - that "I'm on the hunt" stay a one-liner. Something like that breaks up the | Reviewed By: Hououza On: February 18, 2005 16:54 CST
Comment/Review:
That was both a beautiful and very sad story. Good luck & best wishes, Hououza
| Reviewed By: k'yra On: February 18, 2005 16:14 CST
Comment/Review:
that was nice. i liked it. you really seemed to make it into Sango's mind really well.
| Title: awww....
Reviewed By: InuYashasLoveLorn (nsi sry) On: February 18, 2005 12:52 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
that was so sad you had everybody die at the end i've never really pictured Sango that way thank you for opening my eyes in her view! the was extreamlly amazing! keep up your good work in everything you do i'll be looking out for your work since your one of my fav. authors! ^___^
| Reviewed By: rin_sama1989 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 18, 2005 10:00 CST
Comment/Review:
THAT WAS AWSOME! I cant really say anymore. I hope that is was enough...because this one RULES! Your one of the best!!
|
|
|
