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| "And all else will fade" Reviews/Comments [ 18 ] | | Pages (2): [ « < 1 2 ] | Title: FFARG review Chapter 8
Reviewed By: devildice708 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 26, 2005 20:04 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting this to FFRG. I have to admit that the originality of Kikyo being "inside" of Kagome surprised me in a good way. And Kagome's POV seemed to be in character in my opinion. A minor gripe I had, however, was Kikyo speaking in bold text. Though this isn't truly necessary, perhaps you could try putting her words in italic quotation marks and put "Kikyo echoed in her soul" afterwards. But then again this is just me. And aside from a few easy mistakes that can be spotted by a beta-reader, this was a great chapter! You have a really nice writing style. Thanks again for submitting to FFRG!
| Reviewed By: Jesachi [MediaMiner Member] On: August 08, 2005 19:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
EXCELLENT!!! I'll send you and email as soon as I can!! I've been busy and sick and nothing seems to be happening for me lately... meh... so, I will get to emailing ASAP! PROMISE!! great chapter! Cheers! ~Jesachi
| Reviewed By: Jesachi (not signed in... what is with that?) On: August 05, 2005 12:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
FABULOUS! i just sent you a HUGE EMAIL about this! I love romance... *wistful sigh* It's so... romantic! LOL!! Excellent... off to try to drive... eep!
| Title: betaing... again...
Reviewed By: Jesachi [MediaMiner Member] On: August 04, 2005 08:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
Splendid... your capture of the characters is still amazing... you definitely grasp the characters... once again though... you neglect to set a time frame... and your develpoment of character emotions... your indepth perspective of them... i think it's prohibiting your plot... hmmm... I'll email you in detail later... chao!! ~Jesachi
| Title: This is your beta!!!
Reviewed By: Jesachi [MediaMiner Member] On: August 03, 2005 16:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
WOW!!! I sent you an email in regards to what I thought of this in better detail. This is amazing, the way you grasp the perspective so easily! Keep it up, this is an excellant piece of writing I'm looking forward to helping you with!
| Title: ffarg review (chapter 8)
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2005 18:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well hello again, I'm glad you've found us helpful enough to continue seeking our help! You specifically requested that the characterization be looked at and, considering how everything has been presented in the piece thus far, I'd say you've remained within the guidelines you set for yourself. Your chapter transition was markedly improved from the previous one and the number of run-on sentences has dropped. I was confused during Kagome's second 'conversation' with Kikyou... when she remarks that if she [Kikyou] can read Kagome's thoughts then she [Kagome] can in return read Kikyou's. In the previous conversation, Kagome was speaking out loud when she responded. Was this the case in the second conversation? If it was, then Sango, Shippou, and InuYasha wouldn't need Kagome to nod/shake her head at the end of the conversation to know the results, they would have heard her half of the conversation and know nothing came of it. My suggestion would be, after Kagome knows it's Kikyou, to have all the conversations be internal. Maybe you could indicate that by having 'Kagome's lines be italicized and in single quote marks' while you keep Kikyou's thoughts in bold italics with no quotes… any indicating marks to help clear up possible confusion. The piece is coming along well and I thank you for sharing it. Good luck with this and any other projects!
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 4)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 18, 2005 02:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting your work to the FFRG. ^^ I think part of what makes this chapter seem off is that Shippo's characterization is slightly off. He seems almost too eloquent at the beginning of the chapter (you have wonderful descriptions, but since this is supposed to be from Shippo's POV, it just didn't seem fitting). I think you have him well-characterized otherwise, but at times he did seem almost too flowery of speech (well, at least in his thoughts) for him. I noticed a few grammatical errors as well (overuse of commas and ellipses, a few misused punctuation marks, but nothing glaringly major), which can all easily be fixed with the help of a beta reader. Otherwise, I think you did an overall good job on the chapter. It's very solidly written, and your other characterizations are very nicely played out. ^^ You have a great descriptive style. Awesome job - keep writing! Good luck with all future projects (and this one), and thanks again for submitting your work to the FFRG.
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 7)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: June 29, 2005 17:04 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. My first comment springs from the POV changes - sometimes it's a bit difficult to switch POVs without the story sounding stilted and choppy. However, you did a very nice job with the idea, as you remain consistent with the switches every chapter. As far as I've read, most of the chapters are (for the most part) in character. Well done! However, your grammar, although quite solid, needs polishing. I noted multiple punctuation errors and a few run-on sentences, all of which could be fixed with a decent beta reader. A few of the thoughts and descriptions were awkward and too wordy as well; again, a good beta reader will also be very helpful when it comes to polishing these sections. I'm not so sure InuYasha would be that easily defeated by a low-level demon, but that could be my personal take on his character and stamina. Otherwise, you have a very solid base to work from. Nice job so far, and keep writing! Thanks again for submitting to the FFRG.
| Title: ffarg review (chapter 6)
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: June 29, 2005 14:40 CDT
Comment/Review:
Ah an beautifully done chapter added to an already compelling piece. Your first person Sesshoumaru POV was excellent; his reasoning and efficiency were wonderfully portrayed as was his pride. Maybe it's just because I didn't go back and read chapter 5 again, but the transition between chapters seems like it was awkward. That's all that really jumped out at me this time around. Thanks for sharing!
| Reviewed By: black girl 06 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 30, 2005 16:40 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
I like this story because the first line caught my attention. I just read the first chapter but I enjoyed what I read. I liked the fact that you had Miroku do the talking. That was great. Anyways, Later Days!
| Title: ffrg review--chapter 5
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: May 30, 2005 11:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
Alright, first off I'd like to thank you for submitting your story to ffrg. I will only review chapter 5, but I went back and read all of it, just to get a better idea of what was going on. You have made a very interesting choice in your construction of your narrative--eliminating all the typical problems inherent in extraneous point of view shifts. Each chapter, even without the character being named at the top, shows the reader very clearly whose thoughts and feelings they are experiencing. Good job with that. I just didn't notice much needing improvement in this chapter. You have very few noticeable grammatical, punctuation, or spelling errors. I question a few places where you have commas, but I do believe they are all places where there is an optional comma...you chose to place one and I would not have done so. There really is very little wrong with this chapter, though I would suggest you go back and read through some of your earlier chapters; there were some noticeable typos and it's always good to go back and make sure the story retains continuity, especially if it's going to be a long one. Thanks again for sharing and feel free to PM me with questions.
| Reviewed By: Gyousei [MediaMiner Member] On: May 29, 2005 06:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
Wow, I'm very impressed by your writing, it has a certain poetic flow to it. Your narratives for Miroku and Sango are very much in keeping with the feudal japanese mindset of honour over everything. Well done. Even your quietly observant shippo was extremely believable. your story as well has a creepy feel to it, the taunting voice and bloody rain adding to that even more. Looking forward to a new chapter
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 5
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: May 28, 2005 18:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hellish, indeed. This chapter was quite creepy and depressing, which I think was the desired effect, so, well done! ^_^ Your descriptions are excellent. I could visualize everything that was happening - hear Sango's voice taunting him - taste the coppery blood raining from the sky - all that good stuff. I wonder, like Miroku, what on earth is going on, and how he got there, but I assume you'll get to that later in the story. I thought Miroku was pretty much in character, for the most part, but I wonder if he's really the type of person to yell, "My friends are going to get you!" Then again, maybe that's the point... he's realizing he hasn't trusted his friends enough. All in all, this was a very emotional chapter and I think you wrote it well. ~ Aquamarine
| Title: pretty words
Reviewed By: surfacer [MediaMiner Member] On: May 16, 2005 05:16 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Hiya, I rarely write reviews and thought it was high time that I did. (This place lacks reviewers like nobody's business, huh?) Anyway, I saw your story listed on the featured thing in the forums and thought to give it a shot. I enjoyed it. If there's criticism to give it's that it's a bit hard to find the plot beneath your writing style. At the finish, I'm thinking you have a good sense in choice of words, but maybe a little more substance was needed to move the story along. Maybe. It's still a great fic though. Please write more!
| Reviewed By: tasha_chan28 [MediaMiner Member] On: April 26, 2005 16:26 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I must say this was a good story.
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