|
| "Imperium Galactica Dominaria" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: May 13, 2005 17:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to submit this fic to the FFARG. However, there were several things I saw wrong with this work. First off when you started off the first chapter you make it sound as though this is a sequel to another fic. You need to establish your setting and your plot better. I as the reader was left confused as to where you were heading with this story. Second, you rely too much on scene change headers. This breaks up the pace and flow of your chapter which was already going all over the place. Third, I noticed you rely heavily on a lot of dialouge in some scenes. The reader has no clue where the scene is taking place, who is in the scene, and why the characters are together. Finally, as I said before the pace of your fic needs a lot of work. You force it to move too fast in some parts and have it drag on. As a reader I was left confused as to where you were going with this fic or as to what the plot of the fic is. A good first chapter introduces characters, setting, and plot. Your first chapter does establish your characters but I felt as though I needed a who's who sheet to know who all the characters were. It would be a very good idea to go back and take a look at where you could make improvements with this chapter to establish your setting, characters, and plot better.
| Title: er
Reviewed By: Lord Aaron [MediaMiner Member] On: May 12, 2005 23:11 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hmmm, just noticed your summary (6 years of reseacrh, O.o). So i take back that underlined segment. But still, mega crossovers like this tend to burn horribly even with research done. Tread carefully you two, for fics of this classification have been known to make or break people in RL, not just online.
| Title: The society for saving minds.
Reviewed By: Lord Aaron [MediaMiner Member] On: May 12, 2005 23:00 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 5 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
O.o I've not seen a SM future plot this F*d since I read the "Usagi is dead" series. You have some great ideas and all but, would you mind not using every occidental series you can think of in your plot? Also, after reading this "1000 year continuation" of Sailor Moon, i can proudly say its just as much Sailor Moon as everything else you've crossed this over with that this is more "original" than a "Sailor Moon continuation. You may wish to add the type "non-anime" to your fics classification tag.
| Title: FFARG Review Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 12, 2005 12:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
Starting in media res is an old device and not an ineffective one. However, it does not work very well in this piece. The changes are enourmous and not explained particularly well. I can see that the Dragonians are at least distantly related to the Draconians from the Dragonlance novels; also the...interesting corruptions of Ragnarok, and Necronomicon. Also, I seem to recall that the setting for the Magic: the Gathering card game is called Dominaria. The concept of planes is common to both D&D and M:tG and a number of other sources. The Drifters mentioned in passing towards the end remind me of the Ousters in Simmons' Hyperion and Endymion novels in that they are technologically advanced wanderers who live in giant spaceships. They also call to mind the Eldar of the Warhammer 40K world, though only vaguely. The narrative is a little confusing, particularly with regard to the thousand-year gap between the events of Sailor Moon and the fic's setting, and I can't really get a feel for the characters. The world you have created seems almost cobbled together from a pile of science fiction cliches. There are also a number of minor errors in punctuation and word usage. Here is an example from the second paragraph: He replied with an equal amount of unknowing That is perhaps better written as 'He replied with equal incomprehension' or 'The cleric was equally confused.' Overall, this fic has potential, but I'd have to read more to form an opinion |
|
|
