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| "Breaking Bonds" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFRG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 19, 2005 00:21 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting your work to the FFRG. This isn't bad for a first fanfiction; however, I do have a few issues I'd like to point out. My first comment deals with grammar - I noticed a number of errors, mostly concerning punctuation (nothing major, though). A decent beta reader will be an excellent help to cleaning those mistakes up. Secondly, the plot itself is a bit obscure. Instead of just telling your readers in the Author's Notes the basic circumstances for the setting (i.e. Kagome bringing everyone to the future), you may want to elaborate and make it part of your plot to explain how and why they ended up in Kagome's time. Otherwise, your story borderlines on the cliche AU-strip-club fare - just be careful with how you develop your plot if you want to avoid this. ^^; If you were aiming for the canon characteristics, I must say that all the IY characters are rather OOC in your portrayal. If you could offer development into how they became the way they are, I would have a little easier time understanding it. However, since you did jump right into the story, it's a little hard to see Kagome as a club owner, Miroku (as lecherous as he is, bless him) as irresponsible, and Sesshoumaru as feeling and romantic... Of course, I'm quite a stickler when it comes to canon, so don't take it to heart if I'm a little harsh in that regard. ^^; Otherwise, you do have a nice voice (as angelica noted), and it reads well. Keep writing! You definitely have a solid base to start from. ^^
| Title: ffrg review
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 01:11 CDT
Comment/Review:
May I start by thanking you for submitting your fic to FFRG and applauding your bravery for not only posting something as personal as your writing, but looking for ways to better it from the beginning. I don't know how much writing you do in your life, but you already have a pretty good voice established in your piece. Some things you might want to think about as you continue working: you might want to go back and flesh this out a bit. Some of the transitions, especially near the end where Kagome jumps from 'you messed up my club' to 'what happened with Sango'... are a little choppy. Watch your point of view changes. Be careful to give the reasons behind your characterizations. You did do that a little bit for Sesshoumaru, but again, I'd flesh that out. If not in this chapter, down the road, maybe some flashbacks of significant moments as the relationship between InuYasha's group and Sesshoumaru changed. If this is a prologue, you're plot work is fine, if you want this to be a first chapter (which I'm guessing you do by the way the piece opens) then you might want to add more of the plot in outline form or if it's already in there, make it more apparent. Readers usually decide in the first chapter or two whether to continue reading, so you want them to have a very basic idea of your plot. Keeps them involved. You have a decent start here. Thanks for sharing it and good luck to you in your writing.
| Reviewed By: Lyndsey On: June 16, 2005 19:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
I like it! Its really interesting, keep updating.
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