Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: January 22, 2007 01:31 CST
Comment/Review:
I like the setting in this story. It feels serene, with a hint of melancholy that makes for a nice tone in the fiction. It has a few smaller mistakes, but nothing that couldn't be caught by a good beta. However, some of your sentances have a bit of an awkward feel to them. There's definately a stilted feel to the fiction because of it. For example: "At first she thought that the old structure was about to collapse as she sat with her legs hanging over the edge but she quickly found the source of the sound." feels like a run-on sentance, and I had to read it twice to get the full effect of what the sentance is trying to say. As far as the storyline goes, it's decent, but it doesn't have the flair it could have. When the girl talked about the Star Festival, it felt very rushed. Much of the fic feels rushed, really. There is some playfulness in it, but it just grazes over it instead of exploring it as an enhancement. I think this story could be much better if you fleshed out the scene. I like that in the end, things didn't just magickally work out, and how the Star Festival tied in at the end. With just a little work, this could be an excellant story, showing that love doesn't always go the way we want it to. Thank you for dubmitting to the FFRG, and sorry for the wait!
|
