Title: FFRG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2005 04:16 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting your work to the FFRG. My first comment is on your opening paragraph - I found it highly amusing, and you did well setting the tone for the rest of the chapter. Nice work! Your style is very infectious and quite amusing, and the dialogue and plot are beginning to take a very interesting shape. The characters are nicely created - Sideo seems like a rather amusing fellow. I must say that I'm enjoying it so far. ^^ However, I do have a few things I'd like to point out. Your grammar and spelling really need polishing; as much as your style and dialogue flow nicely, your writing is littered with mistakes (some smaller, some larger). I'd suggest that you find a beta reader to help you fix these errors and polish your work. As much as your descriptions worked well, a few of them were a bit repetitive, while others could use just a tad more fleshing out. A second pair of eyes (i.e. beta reader) would really help pick up on those repetitions. Overall, I think you have a very decent start; work on your grammar and spelling, polish a few of your descriptions, and you'll definitely improve upon your work. Keep writing, and best of luck with future endeavors. Thanks again for submitting your story to the FFRG.
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