Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Ones They Take For Granted ❯ Wake Up ( Chapter 7 )

A/N: Wow... I noticed a lot of you that reviewed last time were afraid that I was just gonna leave Goku and Videl hanging and they were gonna go back to normal... ha! Not a chance, I've still got four or five more chapters of love and angst to put you guys through at the very least. No worries... their situations are gonna be anything but normal *grins* Also, this chapter title is also the name of the Alanis Morissette song that backdrops Videl's conversation with Gohan and is, in my opinion, perfect for the entire fic... Enjoy.

It's like I'm watching everything without actually being part of it. Maybe it's because the moment Goku let go of my hand, I knew the time had come to face Gohan, or maybe it's the fact that what I feel right now can't be reconciled with my conscience. I feel guilt, anger, remorse, loss... though I doubt it's the appropriate amount, and I know it's for all the wrong reasons. I regret that my husband found out the way he did, but do I regret doing it? Do I regret the relationship I've had with Goku? Do I regret falling in love with another man even though I'm married and have a child?

No. And it doesn't help that as I walk slowly away from Goku and towards my house - back to Gohan - my heart is telling me that I'm moving in the wrong direction.

I may not be sure of anything else, but as I walk numbly into my house, I realize that I have to get Pan out of here. Kami help me if she were to be near when her father wakes up. I ignore all of the curious onlookers in my living room that I'm guessing arrived while Goku and I were talking and make my way to the staircase that leads to her room. Before I can get there, Piccolo stops me.

"If you're worried about your daughter, don't be," he states gruffly, looking straight ahead rather than at me. "Vegeta already sent her to Capsule Corps." I must have looked mortified at the possibility of what she might have been told, but Piccolo shakes his head. "He told her Gohan was hurt in a fight. He didn't say by whom or why." Then he finally does turn his narrowed eyes to me. "That will be up to you, Videl."

Maybe so, but I can't tell her anything until I've talked to Gohan, and I really need to speak with Goku, as well. Our last, very brief conversation is just now beginning to really register in my head, and I have a feeling I won't be able to do what's best for all of us until I've cleared the air with both of them.

"What about Chichi?" I spin around to see Goku standing behind me, though his eyes are focused upstairs. "Is she with Gohan now?"

Piccolo grimaces before nodding once. "Yeah. Needless to say, she wants to know what happened to him."

"I think we all do," Krillin adds as he closes the front door. "Hell, I wanna know what happened to both of you! Were you guys fighting something or what?"

I immediately glance at Goku and find that his eyes have simultaneously moved to greet mine, and I hear Piccolo growl softly as well. Well, I'm sorry if you don't like the fact that we are looking to one another, Piccolo, but we are the ones that have to deal with the crowd that's been attracted to my house this morning.

Oh Kami... what do we tell these people?

Then Goku leans forward. "I'll handle it," he whispers. "You just worry about Gohan."

Ha, that's a lot easier said than done. Still, Goku knows these people a lot better than I do, and I trust him, so I give him a subtle nod in reply and swallow tightly. I guess I should go upstairs and wait for Gohan to wake up.

He watches me intently for another second before placing his hand gently on my shoulder, though his expression is strained. "Everything's gonna be okay, Videl. You'll see."

Yeah, tell me that when you believe it yourself, Goku.

I'm not surprised that she's eyeing me skeptically. Hell, nothing is all right, we both know that. Still, Gohan deserves another chance to do things right, and Videl needs the opportunity to love and be loved by the man she's married to. And I have my own wife to worry about. I just wish the little voice in the back of my head that's telling me, 'Just because walking away is the lesser of two evils doesn't necessarily make it right,' would shut up and let my heart break in peace. Besides, I have other things to deal with at the moment. Like the group behind me that I know for a fact is watching my every move.

Well, better not leave these guys hanging. I want them all gone before Gohan regains consciousness, just in case he feels the need for round two before Videl can talk to him.

When I let go of Videl and make my way back into the living room, everyone straightens up, looking at me expectantly. Thankfully, they'll all probably assume my behavior is stemming more from Gohan's condition than anything else. I automatically put my hand behind my head and laugh nervously before I say anything. "Gomen, I didn't mean for us to bring you guys out here for nothing," I offer lamely.

Goten stands up from his place on the couch between Trunks and Yamcha. "What happened, 'tousan?"

"Yeah, who were you two fighting?" Krillin asks from his place behind me as he walks in and stops beside me. "I sensed Vegeta and Piccolo with you guys, but you're the only one that looks like they got beat up."

Kuso! I glance down and notice that my pants are torn to hell and smeared with dirt and blood, and my bare back and chest look like someone put me through a meat grinder. "Ano... we... uh," I stutter stupidly - just more reason for everyone to think I'm an idiot, but this time I really have no clue what to say. Damn it... "Listen you guys, Gohan and I weren't fighting anyone else. I really can't explain -"

"You mean you were fighting each other?" Trunks asks in disbelief. I nod stiffly, and his eyes get wide. "But why? You two weren't sparring, were you?"

"Niichan doesn't use his full power to spar," Goten supplies quickly, "and I could sense his anger. Did you two have a fight?" he questions blindly.

It may be the understatement of the year, but it's good enough for me. "Yeah, something like that," I reply softly.

"But Gohan's one of the calmest guys in the world," Yamcha interjects. "I can't imagine anything that would set him off enough to attack you, Goku. It doesn't make any sense!"

"No kidding," Krillin adds. "I didn't think anything short of planetary destruction could piss Gohan off and make him want to fight."

You know, if I was anyone else, I'm pretty sure they would have already begun suspecting what happened, especially since Videl and I walked in together after Piccolo and Vegeta had brought Gohan home. "Look, what happened is... well... it's between me and Gohan. I don't like leaving you guys in the dark, but I don't feel right getting into all of it until he and I have a chance to sort things out."

Of course, even if we do figure everything out, I'm still not gonna tell them about this. If Gohan wants to, so be it, but it won't be me.

I can feel the uncertainty and tension in the room. They all want to know what's going on; I just have to hope they're willing to do as I ask and let it go.

"Well, as long as you think everything's okay," Krillin finally says with a shrug, "then I guess that's good enough for me."

Thank you, Krillin. You're always one I can count on. "It will be," I respond, clapping him on the back, "and I appreciate your concern."

"Yeah... well... what're best friends for, right?"

Trust me, if there's anyone in the world I'll spill my guts to when this is over with, it'll be you. "Right."

"Alrighty then, I better get back. Eighteen's gonna be wondering where I flew off to in such a hurry," Krillin offers with a half-hearted grin before turning his attention to the rest of the group. "C'mon guys, let's leave Goku and Gohan to work things out."

Yamcha's the first to follow Krillin's lead, but he stops in front of me for a moment. "If you need us, we'll be here. You know that."

I offer him a lopsided grin in honest gratitude. It's times like these that remind me why I love these guys so much. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, Yamcha."

Those two are out the door before Goten and Trunks approach. "You sure we should leave?" Goten asks hopefully. "Maybe I can talk to him?"

"Hai, I'm sure that if Goten and I -"

"Kakarotto made it clear that he has no need of your assistance," Vegeta cuts in from his post outside Gohan's room on the second floor. "Take Goten and leave."

"But 'tousan," Trunks begins nervously before Vegeta stops him in mid-sentence again.

"If I am forced to repeat myself, it will not be with words, boy."

That seems to do the trick. Both Trunks and Goten take a step back and gulp anxiously, and both of their young faces drain of color at the prospect. The fact that they did it all at exactly the same time makes it almost comical.

"H-hai, Otousan," Trunks manages, his voice several notes higher than normal as he jerks my youngest's arm. They glance at one another for a moment before Goten gives Trunks a nod.

"I'll come by tomorrow," Goten says as he walks up. "And promise me you'll take a senzu bean," he adds hesitantly. "You look like you're in pretty bad shape."

Unfortunately, there's no magic bean in the universe that can fix what's wrong with me, but I concede with my trademark grin and watch the pair leave before dropping the baka routine altogether.

Gods, I'm tired. And I still have to deal with Chichi. Kuso... I don't think I can right now, not without saying or doing something I may regret later. "Guys," I announce numbly, "If Chi asks, I'm gonna go clear some of the damage we did."

It may be a weak excuse for some time alone, but Chichi will consider it business as usual, Vegeta won't care either way, and I don't give a damn what Piccolo thinks of it. As for Videl, I make sure to turn and leave without looking at her and try to ignore the feeling that wells up within me that says I'm abandoning her to deal with Gohan alone. Again.

No one tries to stop Goku from leaving, though it takes all of my will not to follow him. I know exactly where he's going and why, and I suppress a shudder at the memory of the secluded corner of woods that became our place destroyed in blind rage. How could anyone be so angry that they couldn't see the beauty of it and want to protect it at all costs? I grew up in the concrete jungles of the big city, and even after getting married and moving in among the forest and its wildlife, I never had the chance to explore much of the scenery around my new home. I still remember seeing that cove the first time. It was virtually untouched by the hands of man, yet everything within it - the crystal-clear water of the brook, the smoothed, multi-colored boulders and pebbles scattered along the bottom and at the water's edge, the lush emerald grass that felt like the most exquisite silk-fibered carpet Mother Nature could weave with her own hands, the ancient trees whose branches reached one to another, creating a canopy over almost the entire area as if shielding it from anyone who may wish to do it harm - was so seamlessly perfect that the gods themselves must have designed it over countless millennia as their greatest masterpiece. And Goku had been its guardian angel.

But now... now it's gone. Broken. Irreparable. Stolen. Shattered. Defiled. The pieces that had combined to create a perfect whole have been viciously torn apart by someone who just couldn't understand how rare and precious it was. Oh Goku, it can't ever be what it was before, can it? It was an enigma, a miracle that only happens once, wasn't it? All that can be done now is to clear away the debris and make due with what's left, right?

From my place at the foot of the stairs, the soft pit-pat sound of raindrops colliding against the window glass reaches my ears, and I turn quickly to look out my patio door. Sure enough, the clouds that had been billowy in the early morning have become dark and ominous, and I see that the wind is picking up as well, causing the shrubs and flowers in the backyard to quiver and bend.

I don't even realize that I've moved until the door swings wide and the rain greets my face, but I keep going until I'm off of the patio and on the grass. I look up as the first boom of thunder crashes in the distance, wanting to do nothing now but grieve with the heavens for the passing of something so special, so amazing.

As the light shower that's falling from the sky slowly builds into a downpour, so do my tears, and after a few minutes, I sink to my knees and let everything that's happened finally find release.

It's over. It's really over.

No more leisurely walks through the woods. No more playful spars. No more midday lunches by the lake. No more genuine, brilliant smiles beneath fiery eyes. No more uninhibited passion. No more shameless acts of love.

Shimatta, how can I go back to the way things were with Gohan? Especially now that I know there can be so much more? I don't even know if Gohan is capable of so many of those things, and even if he is, I don't think it would matter, because he's not Goku. And I know it's wrong, and I know it's selfish, and I know it's... it's impossible - he has a wife and family, too, and Gohan's his son, for Kami's sake! - but I'll be damned if my heart will listen to any of that. I felt so lost just after not being able to be with him for a few days, but now... this time, it really is never.

Even now, I just wish Goku would appear out of nowhere and wrap me in his arms and hold me, telling me it's okay. I don't care if it's not necessarily true - of course it would be hard, and, Kami help me, I can only imagine what it would do to my daughter - because he'd be here and holding me right now instead of suffering alone.

Hell, at least I'm going to get a chance to get it all out with Gohan. Even if it hurts him, and even if it means the end of my marriage, at least I'll be able to tell him how I felt for so long. But Goku can't do that. Instead, he's going to have to go back to Chichi and that infuriating idiot persona. He risked... everything to save me from this kind of pain, and now he's expecting me to desert him to suffer through the same hell all by himself once again.

I can't do this. I can't! I know I promised him I would try, but... is it really possible to go back? Is it feasible to return to a man who can't see the difference between love and logic? Even if my husband does try to be more of what I need him to be, how can I be satisfied with an act when I know that's not how he truly is? I don't want empty, sugarcoated affection! I don't want an eggshell marriage where we can't be who we are! I've done that for too long with Gohan as it is.

And how the hell can I possibly talk to him about working things out when every ounce of my soul is praying that he won't take me back, because then - even if Goku couldn't live with being with me knowing it would hurt Gohan or he couldn't bring himself to leave Chichi - at least I wouldn't be living a lie, pretending not to love Goku when I do and acting as though I'm still in love with my husband when I'm not.

Oh... oh gods...

But it's true. I'm not in love with Gohan, and now that I realize that, I really can't remember the last time I felt sure that I still was. Even in the beginning when marrying him made so much sense - his mother adored me and my family's stature, and once my father realized who and what Gohan was, he embraced him whole-heartedly as the only man suitable for me because of his inhuman strength and amazing skill as a fighter - there was always that gap there. I saw the passion he displayed in a fight when he had no choice and it drew me like a moth to a flame. I knew of course that he wasn't always like that, that he was usually quiet and reserved and perfectly content to sit back and watch the world go by as long as it wasn't in peril.

He wasn't always indifferent towards me, though. In the beginning, there was something very special between us, but was it enough to sustain a marriage? Is it enough to get us through something like this? I would have said yes way back then when I was young and naive, when he still made an effort to show me how he felt, before I knew just how much more there could be. But looking back on it now?

I honestly don't know anymore.

The rain continues to fall in steady streams that pelt my body, the skimpy outfit I'm wearing providing no real protection from the storm raging in the skies above me. I barely notice as I continue to shake uncontrollably, both from the gusting wind hitting my heated skin and the anguished sobbing I can't seem to stop even though my chest feels like there's a vise crushing me and the muscles in my jaw begin to cramp from flexing so much.

There's still that part of me that knows I can't just walk out on Gohan without giving our marriage another chance, but that little voice in my head makes me cry even harder. Whether this increasing feeling of sorrow is because going back to Gohan will mean completely cutting myself from Goku - even casual contact won't be a possibility for a long time, I'm sure - or it's the uncertainty of putting myself back into a situation where I could just be prolonging the inevitable and we will both be hurt even more in the end, I'm not sure.

I know I can never go back to the way my life was before Goku. Anything beyond that is a foreboding mystery that I'm scared to death to reveal. Then again, I can still see the look on Goku's face when he asked me to promise him that I would go back. If I don't give Gohan a second chance, I'll be breaking my promise as well as hurting my family and his. Could I live with myself and truly be happy knowing how much it would hurt Goku to lose Gohan completely? I still believe that if Gohan and I can find a way to stay together, then Gohan could eventually forgive his father for what's happened. I mean, they have such a strong bond that I would hope it could overcome the mistakes we made.

But if that's really true, why doesn't loving Goku feel like a mistake as well? It should, shouldn't it? If our relationship was nothing more than bad judgment born out of desperation and loneliness, then why in Kami's name did we fall in love? Why do I feel as though a part of me has died when I think about never being with Goku again? Why does it seem like the best parts of me that have been reawakened in the last few months will wilt away without him? Growing up, I was taught that there was no such thing as the 'perfect' man because it's not possible for anyone to be perfect, but now I realize that the people who said that were only half right.

Goku may not be perfect, but there's no doubt in my mind that he's perfect for me, and that makes the knowledge that we can't be together hurt that much more as I bow my head until it's resting on my muddy knees and continue to mourn the loss of love as we've known it.

Once I capsulized what was left of the house and disintegrated the worst of the debris, it was easy enough to begin clearing the uprooted trees and shattered rocks from the area despite the sudden onslaught of wind and rain that started up a little while ago. It's actually been a hell of a lot harder not to rush back to Videl and take back the promise I asked for.

I regret that the animals that called this peaceful area of the woods their home will be forced to relocate now, but in a way that I know is selfish, I'm glad this place is gone. If it were still intact, I'd probably be out here every day from now on drowning in the memory of feelings I'll never be able to share again. Sure, if Gohan chooses not to tell Chichi about any of this, I'll be able to go back home and return to my old routine of playing the fool all the time, training and fishing and hiding out away from the house during the day, coming back at night only to eat and sleep in a room down the hall from the woman I've been married to for thirty years just so I don't accidentally touch her and get thrown out for 'trying something.'

I know it's not all my wife's fault. Kami knows I haven't been the easiest man to be married to, and she's had to do a lot on her own. I really believe that we loved each other the best way we knew how considering how young we were when we got married and that neither of us had any idea what it actually meant to be in love. It's not her fault that we never seemed to be able to get to that level in our relationship. Hell, now that I've experienced it, I know that we never had a chance at it at all. We're too different in every way that matters to be able to connect like that, like oil and water. Chi didn't know what she was getting herself into all those years ago when she cornered me at the tournament. How could she? I didn't even know the half of what there was to know about me until years later. Even if I don't count the whole alien aspect of it, she hadn't seen me since we were both children when we tied the knot.

As for me... gods, I was so naive back then, and look where it's gotten me now.

Sadness and gratitude divide my heart, though there's a lot more of the bad than the good. Still, I'm thankful for the short time I had with Videl. Sure, it wasn't nearly long enough, but she's taught me a lot over these last few months that, for better or worse, have changed me a great deal. I can recognize different kinds of love now, and I actually understand myself better because of that.

Then again, as I sit on the riverbank and stare at turbulent water being battered by a storm that came out of nowhere, I can't help but think that whatever dumbass came up with the saying 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' had never actually been in love and therefore didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

I'm jerked away from my sullen reverie by the distinct feel of Gohan's ki going up. He must finally be coming to. Once again, the feeling of guilt assaults me as I think of Videl trying to handle him all by herself. I know that my presence wouldn't help things, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to be there just in case she needs my support.

Or in case she just needs me instead of him...

No, I can't think like that! I have to quit thinking about her like she's still my lover and go back to her being nothing more than my daughter-in-law. Yeah... right. I won't ever be able to do that. Even if I could manage to push my feelings for her back far enough that they weren't tearing me apart, I could never see her like I did before all this happened. Never.

Shimatta! I just realized that if I don't go back, not only will Videl be dealing with Gohan, but with Chichi, too. I groan miserably at the image in my head of my wife cornering her, asking all types of questions that Videl shouldn't have to answer. Chi's not her responsibility, and Kami knows she's got enough to deal with without her adding to it all.

Guess it's time to head for home, after all; I was going to have to do it eventually.

I pick myself up and blink against the sheets of rain that are blowing into my eyes before finally using my ki to shield me from the onslaught as I lift off the ground and make my way back. I stay low so that I'm below the clouds while keeping my senses on alert just in case the large bolts of lightning that are streaking the sky decide to take a shot at me. While I'm doing that, I double-check on Gohan and feel his energy fluctuating slightly, though his levels show that there's no immediate danger. At least I can take a little comfort in that. I unconsciously look for Videl's immediately after, though I'm made very aware of it when I realize that she's not with Gohan yet. As a matter of fact, the closer I get to our houses, the more sure I become that's she's not inside at all, though she's definitely close by.

What the hell is she doing out in this weather? I increase my speed, intent on finding out, and to hell with what anyone thinks of it.

Everyone's still at Videl's house when I land, so I go ahead and make my way to the door, but before I make it there, it flies open.

"Alright, you're going to tell me what the hell's going on here right now!"

Well, hello to you too, dear. "What d'ya mean?" I reply innocently as I take the last few steps to the door.

Her eyes go wide before narrowing angrily in the annoyed expression I've come to know all too well over the years. "Oh no, you don't! You're soaking wet and you look like you've been rolling around in the mud. You're not tracking that onto Gohan and Videl's nice carpet!"

I sigh tiredly and turn around, take a few steps away from the house and scrub myself down while the rain washes over me like a cold shower. After a few minutes, I'm pretty sure I'll pass inspection, so I walk back and use my ki to dry off and stay that way before standing before my wife again. "Is this better?"

She shakes her head and closes her eyes. "Just take your shoes off," she instructs sternly, "and I suppose -"

I blink a few times when her mouth falls open and eyes become saucers. "Uh... you okay, Chi?"

"Kami, Goku-san... what happened to you?" she shrieks loud enough to make me wince before every bit of anger is gone from her face, replaced by pure anxiety. "Get in here so I can take a look at you!"

It's times like these that I wonder if she doesn't suffer from some type of multiple personality disorder. Of course, it's better than her being mad at me, and I do appreciate that she's worried about me, so I don't protest as she grabs me by my sore arm and drags me to the couch in the living room.

"Sit."

I give her a reassuring grin. "Really, Chi, I'm fine -"

"Sit!"

In that case, I guess I'll sit, though I just barely refrain from barking like a dog when I do it.

As Chichi checks me over, I glance out the corner of my eye and see Piccolo and Vegeta both standing against the far wall with their eyes locked onto something behind us, and though I can't see Gohan, I know he's just out of my line of sight unless I turn my head. "Hey, Chichi," I begin carefully, "where's Videl?"

She stops and stares at me for a second before blanching. "Oh no! I forgot about her!"

"What do you mean?" I ask, leaning forward and almost knocking her over in the process.

She doesn't seem to notice as she straightens herself and huffs. "I'll have you know that poor girl is in the backyard crying, and I want to know what you two did to upset her so much!" Her sharp gaze leaves me and moves to the side, and I turn around and see that she's now glaring at Gohan's back as he peers out the back door. And when I look past him and outside, I see her folded like a paper fan - toe to knee on the ground, knee to waist over that and finally her chest over that with her head against her legs. Both of her fists are balled tight and are clutching the soaked grass on either side of her, and I can see the erratic shaking of her body that could be crying or cold or both.

"Well?" Chichi fumes as her anxious eyes go back and forth between me and Gohan. "One of you, go out there and get her before she catches pneumonia!"

I give Gohan a second to react, but he seems to be in a daze so I get up and sprint to the door, throwing it wide before I run the rest of the way to her side. "Videl?" When she doesn't move, I crouch down and put my hand on her back and shake her gently. "Videl... Videl!" I finally shout when she doesn't respond to the second call.

This time, her whole body jerks before she lifts herself up and her sallow, red-rimmed blue eyes meet mine. "G-G-Goku?"

Oh gods, she's freezing! "Come on," I urge softly as I wrap an arm around her and gently lift her onto her feet. She doesn't protest, but she doesn't hold her own weight, either, and as soon as I loosen my grip, she slumps weakly against me. I catch her before she falls and, without another thought, scoop her up so that she's curled against my chest. I frown worriedly as I notice the dark circles under her closed eyes that contrast sharply against the paler-than-normal complexion. Kami, she must have been out here for a while...

"Damn it, Videl, what are you trying to do to yourself?" I whisper before turning and taking her inside, though I'm not surprised when a sniffle is the only answer I get.

As soon as we get in, Chichi closes the door hard enough to rattle the glass and rushes to us. "Oh no, she's shaking like a leaf! I'll call Bulma and get her to -"

"No, p-p-please d-don't do that," Videl croaks raggedly, followed by a rough fit of coughing. "I-I'm okay," she continues painfully.

"Ugh! I swear, you sound just like Goku!" Chichi observes impatiently, causing Gohan to growl softly while I raise an eyebrow.

She doesn't know the half of it. "She's alright, I think. Just tired and cold. She just needs to lay down and get warmed up," I offer knowingly.

Chichi stares at me for a minute before rolling her eyes in defeat. "Fine, then take her to her room so we can get her out of those wet clothes and under a few blankets," she states after a moment.

I glance at Gohan for a second and see that he's got his fingers wound into tight fists and the muscle in his jaw is twitching, but he appears to keep himself from saying anything. Of course he won't, I realize, because if he did, then he'd have to explain why he's unwilling to let me carry Videl. I can't help the 'you had your chance' look I give him before I turn my attention back to Chichi and Videl. "Here," I offer, raising my ki once again, "I'll dry her off and get her body temperature back to normal."

It only takes a minute to do both, though Videl is still shaking slightly as I drop my power once again and levitate off the floor a few inches so I can float the two of us to her room without jarring her too much while Gohan and Chichi follow closely behind. Once I get there, I walk her over to the large four-poster bed and pull back the blanket, laying her down carefully before drawing the thick comforter back up until it's under her chin. She whimpers softly when I let her go, but almost as soon as she's situated comfortably, she's fast asleep.

"Alright, I'm going to go downstairs and fix her some hot tea," Chichi announces. "Goku, you get out of there and let her rest!" I nod without turning around, but it seems to be enough to satisfy my wife, and I hear her footsteps move out of the doorway and into the hall before trudging down the stairs.

"You can leave now," Gohan states tightly, his features pinched. "I'll take care of her."

He's right. It's not my place to stay, after all, but still... "Hai," I respond hesitantly, and I turn around and make my way back to the door. When I get there, I stop. "Make sure you do, son. Make damned sure you do."

He growls at me again, louder this time. "I will."

Deep down, I hope and pray that's true, because this is his last chance. If he fucks it up this time and she comes to me again, I don't think I'd be able to give her up a second time. But instead of saying that, I nod negligibly and leave the two of them alone.

I hear a soft, relaxed moan muffled by a pillow and realize as the comforting blanket of sleep begins to slip away that it was me that made the noise, and even more surprisingly, that I'm snuggled cozily in a large bed - a far cry from being huddled in the rain-battered backyard, which is the last thing I remember clearly. The rest is just a blur, except for being held. I distinctly remember being held protectively against a strong body that I intuitively know was Goku, and then the most amazing... warmth.

For only a moment, I allow myself to become hopeful by the vague images in my head. Maybe it was all just a horrible dream? Maybe when I open my eyes, I'll be greeted with the sight of Goku beside me like I have so many times before when I've dozed off, propped up on his elbow casually like a blue-collar Adonis with a warm smile on his lips and a glow within the depths of those endless midnight eyes. I turn to the other side of the bed, saying a silent prayer that he'll be there, that it was all just a nightmare born out of guilt from my recent self-admission of love for him...

The movement makes it feel like someone just shoved an ice pick through the side of my head.

My eyes shoot open, and I groan involuntarily at both the intense pain and the fact that this is incontrovertible proof that the last several hours actually did happen, after all. Then, as the throbbing subsides, my eyes begin to focus on the man standing like a statue against the wall across from me, his arms crossed defensively over his chest and his normally passive onyx gaze level and unreadable. I squeeze my eyes shut and hiss through my teeth as I sit up slowly, gingerly stretching my sore muscles while trying my best not to aggravate my pounding headache.

It feels like it takes forever, but I finally manage to get myself on my feet - which must have taken quite a bit of damage as well because they hurt like hell now - and even though my legs feel weak and rubbery, I force myself to take a few tentative steps along the side of the bed. I try to keep my face straight as I walk, but I end up wincing with every damned step anyway. Kuso! I don't know why it bothers me so much that I'm not able to hide my discomfort from Gohan, but when I realize that he's moved and is beside me now, reaching as if to help me, my mild irritation skyrockets into something infinitely more fierce.

It's now that I realize that I've used up every other possible emotion. Goku healed the original heartbreak, cleansing me of all the pain and sorrow and self-loathing I suffered from in my shell of a marriage, and right now, though I still feel the sting of grief at the thought of never being with Goku again, there is an emptiness that comes when you've cried all the tears you can at one time. Still, through everything that's happened, I've never just been mad as hell.

Well, right or wrong, I am now.

I jerk away from him and continue walking, the rage giving me the self-control I couldn't find before to stand straight and ignore the stabbing pain as I make my way to my closet and grab my robe. I hear him shuffle uncertainly, but I'll be damned if I'm going to acknowledge it. Instead, I take my robe over my shoulder and turn about-face and head purposefully towards the bedroom door.

That seems to be enough to finally make him speak. "Videl... where are you going?" he asks in a strangled voice.

I don't bother turning around. "I'm going to take a shower and clean this cut," I reply evenly, though deceptively soft for the hard edge in my tone.

A tense pause. "Then I'll help you -"

"I can manage just fine." I take the final steps needed and open the door before I feel his hand on my arm, firmly keeping me back.

"Your energy is low," he states tightly, his voice marred by indecision. "I don't want you to get hurt."

I take a deep breath and turn my head so I can look him straight in the eye and he can see everything that I'm feeling now. "It's a little late for that, Gohan," I whisper meaningfully. We both know I'm not talking about the bump on my head, and he releases me without another word so I can clean myself up. The knowledge that we will talk afterwards is understood, even if it is unspoken.

I didn't feel exponentially better emotionally, but I was a lot less sore and sticky once I stepped out of the shower, though the hot water apparently caused the gash on my temple to start bleeding again, forcing me to work on it immediately after drying myself off. After cleaning and bandaging that, I spent several more minutes removing small pieces of glass and splintered wood out of my feet before finally going back to my bedroom where I know Gohan is waiting for me.

So this is it. This is the moment I've dreaded for months, imagining the mortified guilt and sadness I would feel facing my husband after my affair with Goku was exposed.

Strange, but I don't feel any of that. Not yet, at least. Right now I just feel... displaced. Now that the anger has diminished somewhat, it's as if I'm a stranger within this whole situation. I have a series of facts regarding the events that led up to this, but no subjective opinions about it all. Simple, cool, and rational... just like my husband has been towards me for years.

But unlike him, I don't like feeling this way at all.

I take several cleansing breaths before finally re-entering my bedroom to find Gohan and Piccolo talking quietly in the corner. Piccolo's face is stern as usual, but his eyes betray his concern for his former student. As for Gohan, he looks like he's lost quite of bit of his earlier tough-guy steam, but that doesn't surprise me. No matter how angry Gohan gets, he just can't be that way very long. He may have been negligent when it came to being an attentive, loving husband, but his kind and gentle nature is the same as the first day he walked into my class at Orange Star High School. He's always been a good man with a big heart, and calling that fact to mind helps me push back the remaining spite I've been feeling towards him. I know he doesn't really deserve it. Hell, he's the one who was cheated on, so I have to remember that he's hurt now just as much as I was before, if not more so. Now the question is, what am I willing to do to about it?

I have no way of knowing until we actually get everything out in the open.

Piccolo glances at me out of the corner of his eye for a second before placing a clawed hand on Gohan's shoulder, murmuring a few last words. Then he turns and leaves, giving me a curt nod on the way out, and I'm surprised to see that the majority of disapproval I saw before has been replaced by something I don't readily recognize. He's gone before I have a chance to consider what the look he gave me means, and I'm alone with my husband once again.

Gohan sits on the bed with his hands woven tightly together and watches me as I limp gingerly to my dresser and pull out a loose-fitting pair of sweats, socks - any cushion for my abused feet would be great - and underwear to change into, though I freeze once everything's laid out. We've been married over ten years and we have a child together, so why am I suddenly edgy about him seeing me naked? I know a part of it is because I realized while I was showering that the cuts on my head and feet aren't the only injuries I have, though the rest of the miscellaneous bumps and bruises are minor in comparison. Still, that's not the main reason why I'm hesitant. I bite my lip anxiously and take a quick peek over my shoulder, blushing slightly when I see his eyes are still firmly planted on me.

Then he clears his throat. "Do you want me to wait outside?" he asks timidly.

"No." It's ridiculous to be this self-conscious around him, and it annoys me to no end when I begin to feel that old doubt creep back in from the days when he wouldn't give me a second look and I was beginning to think I had become an old, undesirable hag. Amazing how quickly being alone with my husband makes all those feelings come back to haunt me.

I push that thought aside and drop my robe in a heap on the floor, wincing when I hear Gohan gasp softly. "It's not as bad as it looks," I offer quietly. I put on my underwear as quickly as possible, but as I move to get my pants, my eyes catch sight of him in the mirror walking to me.

"Take this," he instructs numbly, placing the senzu bean in the palm of my shaky hand before walking stiffly back to the bed.

I can guess who gave it to him to give to me, so rather than asking questions that will upset him even more, I put the bitter bean in my mouth and swallow quickly, thankful when I feel the pain recede entirely and the strength return to normal in my limbs. I remove the bandage from my forehead, finish dressing, and with a final look in the mirror, turn and face my husband, knowing this conversation can't be put off any longer.

And I have no idea what to say. "Gohan," I begin tentatively, trying to organize thoughts that were so clear hours ago that have become muddled now that I'm in front of him, "I -"

"I don't want to hear the details of what has been going on between you and... him," Gohan interjects hoarsely while his eyes move to his lap. "Right now, I just want to know for how long and... and why."

The first is the easier to answer of the two. "Almost four months," I admit reluctantly, and, as I expected, his head jerks up and he makes a harsh, choking sound, disbelief flooding his face that looks so much younger without the coke bottle glasses.

"You've been... seeing him... for that long?" I swallow hard against the tightness in my throat and nod, and Gohan blinks several times as he turns his face away. "Do you" - he clenches his eyes shut and I see his shoulders rise as he takes a deep breath - "do you mean off and on, or..." Rather than finishing, he lets the sentence hang as his gaze moves back to me, something deep within them begging for some kind of mercy, or maybe it's just asking me to take it all back.

Unfortunately, if I'm going to be honest, neither is possible. "It was sporadic at first," I relate vaguely, honoring his request for as few specifics as possible, "but it's been more... frequent... for some time."

He tenses as the muscles in his jaw twitch erratically, and I know what he's going to ask, even though I was hoping he wouldn't. "How frequent?" he manages between clenched teeth.

"Almost every day for the last three months," I answer softly.

Those words seem to bring him to his feet as his head shakes emphatically. "That's... that's not possible," he whispers harshly, taking a step towards me with wild eyes. "I'm half Saiyajin... I would have noticed -"

And then he stops in mid stride and his face drains of its remaining color as the combination of his own observation and the pained expression on my face begin hitting the answer to 'why' home in his mind.

He should have noticed, but he didn't.

The long silence that follows is thick with tension as Gohan slowly backs away again, landing heavily onto the bed when the backs of his knees hit it, making it creak as it protests the sudden weight. I shuffle nervously from one foot to another, torn between genuine regret that everything has come to this and relief that I'm finally able to tell him what his lack of attention meant to me, knowing he'll actually listen this time. I just wish it wasn't too late.

"I really am sorry, Gohan," I say once the extended pause becomes too much to bear.

I hear him take a ragged lungful of air. "Why?" he asks, his voice strangled with emotion.

I consider my words carefully before speaking. "Neither of us meant for any of this to happen," I begin, though I scowl at how cliched that sounds. I breathe deeply and try again. "We... we just -"

I stop when I see his head move from side to side, and I frown slightly in confusion. No? But what does he mean then?

"Why him?"

Oh gods... I chew on my bottom lip for a minute trying to figure out how to explain that to Gohan in such a way that he won't misunderstand and end up taking another shot at killing Goku, but at the same time, I would be a liar if I trivialize my relationship and make it sound like it was only about opportunistic lust just to save my own skin. Besides, Gohan and I don't have a prayer's chance in hell of working anything out if I'm not honest.

He watches me intently as I sit myself cross-legged on the floor where I was standing and fold my hands in my lap. When in doubt, just say it, I tell myself as I push my growing indecision out of my mind. "I think it was because he was going through the same thing I was," I explain slowly, timidly, though my voice gains strength as I continue. "I wouldn't have even considered confiding in someone about what was going on, let alone" - I clear my throat uneasily - "anything else, otherwise. But after seeing what it's like between Goku and Chichi, I realized that he understood what was happening between us and how badly I was hurting because of it."

"This doesn't have anything to do with my mother," Gohan growls defensively.

You've got to be kidding! I admire the fact that he loves his mother unconditionally, and I realize that Gohan is closer to his 'kaasan than most because of all they've been through as a family, but can he really be that blind? Or worse, does he truly believe that his parents' relationship is an example to go by?

Kami help us, because nothing short of direct divine intervention will save this marriage if that's the case, and I don't even know if that would be enough.

"You wanted to know why I turned to Goku," I state with renewed determination. "Do you honestly think that I would have gone to him if he had no idea what it was like to be tossed aside by the person you're married to? And what about him? How can you think he would have gotten involved with me," I stress solemnly, "if he hadn't been as desperate as I was to feel some kind of connection with someone, as well."

Gods, finally saying all of this to him is lifting the fog from my thoughts, and with the reorganization of the facts comes the sting of emotion connected with them. The out of place feeling is gone now, and I'm painfully thrust back into the middle of this whole damned mess. Memories flood my mind: crying myself to sleep night after night, watching Gohan peck away at his laptop and giving me only a fleeting glance when I said goodnight with hopes of at least getting a chaste kiss, mornings when I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind as he poured his coffee only to have him give me a patient smile over his shoulder before pulling away to sit at the table and read the paper - all without saying a single word, evenings when he's come home from work only to walk right past me on his way to give Pan a bear hug, being pushed aside for anything 'more important' that came up - which seemed like anything that wasn't about me. But what I remember most are the times that I've actually tried to tell him that I felt lonely and separated from him, only to have him either shrug it off as being emotional or apologizing with a promise to do better only to go exactly back to the way it was before immediately afterwards.

Gohan never got it, but Goku did, because his wife is the same damned way and then some, and it's time Gohan realized that.

Gohan's visage is drawn tightly with incomprehension throughout my short silence. "Videl, I -"

"No," I cut him off angrily. "How was I supposed to handle being the last item on your priority list, Gohan? What was I supposed to do when I would tell you how I felt, and you acted like it meant nothing?" My voice rises in volume as the words pour forth unchecked from my heart to my lips. "Do you know what I used to do while you were at work?" I only give him enough time to blink before marching on. "I read. I was looking for anything to show me what I was doing wrong and how I could fix it. I tore through books on how to be a better wife, how to be the ideal lover, the best way to express your feelings to your spouse, how to entice even the most disinterested man and you know what? Nothing worked! I was doing research just so I could seduce my own husband and make him pay attention to me!"

He opens his mouth once again, but I'm not finished yet. "And as for Goku and Chichi-san," I continue boldly, ignoring his eyes as they narrow slightly, "they are a personified definition of a bad marriage."

Apparently he doesn't plan on letting that one go without a word as he did when I was talking about him and me. "That's not true," Gohan argues heatedly.

"It's not? Do you really believe that?" I ask seriously. "So you believe there's nothing wrong with the fact that Goku has to pretend to be someone he's not just to keep her happy? It's okay that he had to stay with us almost as often as he was allowed in his own house with his own wife? It's normal that he's not even permitted to sleep in the same room with woman he's married to?"

I can tell by the surprised look on Gohan's face that he didn't know that small detail, but he shakes his head after a moment. "Perhaps that's true," he concedes, "but that has nothing to do with this."

"You still don't see," I reply wearily. "It has everything to do with it, Gohan. What we've done is wrong, but both of us felt as though we had nothing else left. He's married to a woman who can't see past the fact that he's a fighter that has little interest in material things rather than working nine-to-five and bringing home a steady paycheck like a 'normal' man, and I'm married to someone who makes plenty of money we don't even need when I would have given every Kami damned cent of it just for him to spend ten minutes with me instead of his computer."

I take a shaky breath and wipe away a tear that slipped down my cheek at some point, and I see Gohan's mouth is clamped tightly and that his eyes are dangerously wet as well. "I didn't realize... that it meant that much to you," he whispers tightly. "I just wanted to do the right thing, what I was taught was the best way to take care of my family." He sniffs loudly and rubs his hands over his face and through his hair.

We both know what his mother thinks makes the perfect husband, and I can still remember her lectures, even after all these years on her views of proper marriage behavior. "The biggest reason your mother wanted us together so badly was because I already had enough money to support us for the rest of our lives," I answer matter-of-factly. He looks for a moment like he might protest, but thinks better of it. "I know your mother told you what she wanted, but I'm not her. I didn't need someone to work, come home, and pay a portion of the bills while living an entirely separate life from me. If I had, I would have moved in with one of my girlfriends. I was looking for someone to share everything with. I wanted someone who would talk to me, listen to me, and sometimes just hold me without saying anything at all. Being safe and logical is fine, but I have to have more than that. I wanted to be part of you and help you in whatever you decided to do, even if I couldn't physically be there. I mean, I was the second half of Saiyaman and even wore a copy of your ridiculous costume, for Kami's sake."

Despite his sorrowful demeanor, Gohan cracks a small, brief smile at that comment.

"I know you've done your best," I go on gently, "and you're a wonderful father to Pan, but I needed a husband, too. I wanted passion and love and affection... I needed to feel again. I needed -"

"Someone like my father?" Gohan cuts in hoarsely, as if his voice was being pulled by too many conflicting emotions to come out normally.

I don't think being that specific will help anything, even if my first thought is a resounding 'Yes!' Instead I sigh resignedly. "After ten years, I felt like I was married to my roommate, when I what I desperately longed for was a soul mate."

He stares at me for several minutes, but slowly his head moves up and down in understanding, however painful it may be. I chew on the inside of my cheek and drop my gaze as I hear his breath hitch again with barely checked tears. "I really am sorry, Gohan. I can only imagine how much this is hurting you," I add regretfully. "I never wanted to do that."

I hear him swallow hard. "Neither did I."

I can tell by the ominous silence that follows that Gohan's heard all he cares to for right now, which is good, because I really don't know what else to say that wouldn't sound like pitiful excuses. And the most important goal has been accomplished - we talked, though I'll be damned if I know where we go from here.

I know that beneath the calm exterior Gohan's wrestling with mixed emotions just like I am. Mine may have been building for some time while his have been viciously thrown upon him without warning, but a broken heart is still broken and will take time and effort to fix. Now, if only I was sure whether or not I can be part of his healing, but it's too soon right now. If I know him -

"I love you, Videl," he whispers anxiously as one of his legs fidgets against the side of the bed. "I always have."

I let a sad smile curve my lips. "I know," I reply quietly.

He flinches slightly, his glistening black orbs revealing that he's not unaware of the lack of return of that sentiment. Still, they also betray a growing amount of hope that makes my throat constrict tightly at the thought of possibly taking it from him and hurting him even more. "We can be happy again," he pushes on hesitantly. "I know we can get past what's happened. I... I understand what I was doing wrong, and I want to make it right. I want..." He pauses for a moment, dropping his head against his chest.

Before he can go on, I push myself off the floor and back onto my feet, letting out a soft stream of air as his face snaps up at my movement. "I don't know if either of us are in a state of mind capable of making any decisions tonight," I state honestly, allowing my logical mind to guide me, knowing it's the language he understands best. "I think we both need a little time to sort out our feelings before we can try discussing the future."

"Does that mean" - he stands quickly and shoves his hands in his pockets as he looks down at the floor - "that you want me to leave?"

"No. Since Pan's with Bulma-san, I'll go stay with my father tonight," I reply. I hear him take in a sharp breath, and I hold up a hand before he can argue. "I'll come back tomorrow, and we can talk more then."

I can tell he's trying to decide whether or not to put up a fight about my decision, but one more look at my set jaw and determined eyes, and he finally gives me a reluctant nod of assent, which leaves me nothing left to do except pack a small overnight bag and decide the best path for the rest of my life.

I've spent the entire afternoon laying across the small twin size bed, keeping my senses tuned to its previous owner to make sure his ki didn't hit red again and pretending to be asleep any time Chichi's peeked in hoping to question me about what's going on. Of course, I really can't blame her for biting at the bit to know what's happened; it's not like Gohan to refuse divulging the nature of a problem to his mother. Matter of fact, she's usually one of the first people he'll confide in. Well, besides me.

He used to, anyway, though I doubt he'll be so eager after all this.

"Kuso," I mutter under my breath as I run both hands over my face roughly. The senzu I took earlier healed my body up just fine and restored my strength so that I can feel an increase, even if it is slight, and the talk I had with Piccolo while Videl was asleep and Gohan was pacing the floor helped a little, but I'm still so damned tired. Now, if only it was the kind of fatigue that makes it easy to sleep rather than impossible, I might be able to shut everything out for a little while.

Yeah, right.

I can't even blink without seeing either Videl curled into a human ball in her backyard during a rainstorm as she sobbed into her knees, or Gohan's anguished eyes begging me to deny what was happening as he walked in on us this morning. Both of those scenes play over and over in my head and reinforce that this is the only option either of us have. I love my son too much to hurt him like that.

And I love Videl too much, period.

Now the battle rages between my head and my heart, a mutated form of survival instinct telling me I need to throw myself into whatever I can find and force myself to forget about how it felt to love and be loved by a woman that was never mine, while every ounce of my soul wants to hang on to those memories for as long as possible so I can draw upon them as I try to settle back into my old routine of playing the naive fool that can carry the world on his shoulders with a goofy grin because he doesn't know any better.

Kami help me, cause I don't know if I can go back to that again.

It's as if someone suddenly came up and told me Vegeta-sei had been resurrected somehow and that it was time to go back. Sure, I'm Saiyajin and I can acknowledge that, even have pride in my heritage now, but it doesn't change the fact that Chikyuu is my home. It doesn't matter where I was born because this planet that I've given my life for is too much a part of me to just toss aside as though it's nothing. I belong in this place.

It's the same with Videl. How can I continue on like nothing's changed? I care about my wife, I always have, but in all the years we've known each other, I've never felt like she was a part of me. Unfortunately, I wasn't overly aware of it until the first time Videl placed her gentle hand on my cheek and ended up fitting into an empty place within me I didn't even know I had so seamlessly, it was as if she was meant to be there all along. Who knows? Maybe she could have been... if she wasn't already committed to my oldest son.

It's useless to think about it. The best thing I can do now - the only way I can possibly make up for this - is to lend as much support as possible to them under these... unique circumstances so that they'll find a way to overcome what's happened. And maybe, if I'm especially lucky and the gods decide to start smiling on me again, Gohan will even be able to forgive me someday.

That's a really big maybe.

I unconsciously stretch my awareness out to find her, making a silent plea she'll never hear to at least try... to just make a wholehearted, genuine effort to make things work. If Gohan can't get past it or won't do his part, that's one thing, and I couldn't fault her if she's done all she can, but -

As soon as I realize that the other person with Gohan is Piccolo and not Videl, that she's not even in the area, I'm on my feet faster than any human eye could have followed and frantically searching for her unmistakable energy signal. Oh Kami... where the hell is she? Damn it, if anything's happened to her, I'll never forgive myself... or Gohan, for that matter. Why the hell isn't she at home?

Capsule Corps. Pan's there, so maybe... Okay, there's Vegeta - can't miss that one - and Bulma, and there's Bra and Pan together... No Videl. Damn it! Where else would she be? The only other place she might go is...

"Baka," I curse my premature panic softly once the obvious finally hits me.

Thank Kami, there she is, and if her elevated ki is any indication, she's training hard at the moment. But why is she at her father's house? Why isn't she next door with her husband? Did Gohan make her leave? My oldest is one of the most compassionate and forgiving people you could hope to find. Is it possible that what we've done is beyond even that?

Okay, I already knew it was possible, but I still can't believe he wouldn't be willing to give her another chance once she'd explained the circumstances. Maybe he didn't give her an opportunity, or maybe he was so hurt and angry that he wasn't able to handle it right now. Maybe it's just temporary... but then again, maybe it's not... Maybe...

"Maybe I need to quit freaking out over maybes," I mutter under my breath. The problem is I know that won't be possible until I find out what's going on, and since zipping over to have a friendly father-son chat with Gohan is out of the question, that leaves me one option: Videl.

No, bad idea. Very bad idea. That would rate right up there on the ever-increasing Dumbest Shit That Baka Goku's Ever Done list with getting involved with my son's wife to begin with. First of all, it hurts like hell just to think about her, so I can imagine what seeing her would be like right now. I honestly have no idea what might happen if Videl and I were alone together after everything that's gone down over the past twenty-four hours. It's too risky, and being face to face with her may do a whole lot more harm than good for her and me at this point. Also there's the fact that Gohan may very well be keeping his mind's eye on me, and if I suddenly show up at Videl's, he'd probably assume the worst, not that I'd blame him under the circumstances. Kami knows I've done enough damage to his marriage as it is. The last thing Gohan needs now is more suspicion, anger, and hurt.

And then my mind goes back to my last, very brief conversation with Videl before we came home, particularly what she said when I pleaded with her to promise me she'd work things out with my son. It was unfair to ask, I know, because she has no control over whether Gohan chooses to forgive her or not, and she gave me a very honest answer - that she would try. But there are two things that are bothering me. The look on her face is one, and the fact that she tacked on 'for the sake of my family' at the end of her agreement to try and reconcile with Gohan is the other. I didn't have a chance to really ask her about it since we were pressed for time, so I had let it go. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so quick to take us back. Perhaps we needed more time to talk, after all.

And now I know that no matter how stupid it may be, my mind was already made up.

The beauty of the Instantaneous Movement technique is that it gives you a second of complete invisibility to anyone who can sense ki so that, in the heat of battle, the warrior can disappear completely until they relocate, power up and begin an attack in hopes that an opponent's ability to react won't be able to keep up. It hasn't always worked out that way when I've used it in a fight, but it has saved my neck on more than one occasion. And I never intended to increase my power once I get where I'm going this time anyway.

As soon as I exit the circular, multi-colored tunnel and my feet hit the grassy landscape just inside the gaudy gates of the Satan mansion, I drop my ki to as low and undetectable as it'll get these days and glance around once, using my heightened Saiyajin senses to discern if there's anyone around that I'll need to sneak past - I'd rather not announce my presence to anyone if I can help it. Satan isn't here, though that doesn't surprise me. Actually, I don't sense anyone except Videl. My eyes tilt heavenward, and I send a silent word of thanks to Dende for giving me a break this time as I make my way towards the large brick building on the right.

As I walk along the length of the only structure on the property that doesn't look overly expensive, I see a fluorescent glow escaping through windows where the blinds are drawn so that it creates a striped pattern of light and dark against the shadowed ground, but as I turn the corner, I notice that the entire area in front is illuminated by the open double doors leading inside. With a quick check to make sure Gohan's energy hasn't changed, I close the rest of the distance with silent, measured steps until I'm standing in the doorway, my eyes immediately resting on an image that seems to come straight out of the past. The only difference in the woman that's mercilessly brutalizing a beige punching bag from the teenager I met for the first time when I was still technically dead is the thin braid that's tucked into the collar of her white t-shirt. That alone gives away the fact that enough time has passed for Videl's hair to go from cropped short to halfway down her back. Other than that, especially in the oversized shirt and black bike shorts with fingerless gloves the same color, she looks almost exactly as she did fifteen years ago.

I shake my head roughly as I begin to seriously reconsider the already shaky wisdom of coming here, and as she finally stops attacking and steadies the bag, I almost turn back and go home. Almost. The only thing that stopped me was the sound of her voice.

"Goku," she states breathlessly as she grabs a towel and turns to look at me wearily.

I blink a few times before I can speak. "You don't seem surprised that I'm here," I observe, not bothering to hide the confusion I felt at her instant recognition of my presence.

"I'm not, to tell you the truth," she replies as she wipes the thin sheen of sweat from her face and arms. I give her a curious look, wordlessly prompting her to explain. "Part of it was that once I got here, I was sure it was only a matter of time before you noticed I wasn't at home. I figured you'd want to know why."

Okay, I'll buy that. "And the other part?" I question as I grab a wooden chair from the corner and move it to face the first row of benches that litter one side of the room, spin it around, and sit down, folding my arms over the back so I can prop my chin on my forearm, all in an effort to appear as cool and casual as possible despite the butterflies that have suddenly taken residence in my gut.

Her brow creases critically for a long moment before her face smoothes again and she shrugs helplessly as she makes her way to the seat directly across from me. "Just a feeling, I guess." She plops down with closed eyes and a tired sigh.

I fidget and lick my lips nervously before finally asking the question that brought me here in the first place against my better judgment. "So what happened? Why are you here instead of with Gohan?"

Despite my best effort not to appear overly anxious, Videl's piercing gaze levels on me somberly, making me feel completely transparent. "We talked, though he understandably isn't ready to know the specifics of what we did," she begins softly after a significant pause. "He mainly wanted to know why I got involved with you, so I explained the basics of what led up to" - her eyes dart away for an instant - "this. He really had no idea that there was anything wrong between you and Chichi, Goku. As far as he was concerned, everything was just fine, like it was normal for people to -"

"You can't hold that against him," I interrupt. "It's my fault he believed that." She gives me an incredulous look, but I hold a hand up so she'll let me finish. "I've never said anything to his mom about the way she treats me, you know that. And during his years when he was becoming a man, I wasn't even there," I continue regretfully. "He had no reason to think there was a problem. As far as he knew, that's just the way it is, but now that he knows how much more his time means to you than his work, he'll be better. I know he will."

"Do you really?" she asks, her wide blue eyes pleading me to be completely honest with her. "Because I'm not so sure, Goku. Do you really believe it's just something he does or doesn't do rather than being a part of who he is?"

Of course I don't know for sure. "Does it make a difference?" I question dumbly.

"Hai," she responds, "because if he simply didn't know any better, then that's one thing, but if it's a part of his personality, then me demanding and expecting him to change would be no different than what Chichi has tried to do to you for years. In the end, we'll all be miserable, and I won't do that to him, Goku. I can't."

"But you can't give up just because you're not sure," I advise firmly. "If that's why you left, then -"

She shakes her head. "That's not why I came here tonight. After we talked, I thought it would be best if we had a night apart to think things through. Gohan needed a chance to consider what I told him and get his own feelings about it straight. If I had stayed, it would be impossible for him to do that."

"So you plan to go back?" I inquire hopefully.

Videl bites her bottom lip. "I told him we would talk again tomorrow. I think he'll be in a better state of mind to get his own feelings out then. He seemed... I don't know... almost like he was in shock when we spoke earlier. He didn't say anything about how he felt. He just wanted to know basic facts."

I consider that for a minute before nodding negligibly. "Hai, that was probably best," I agree, though I still wish privately that it wasn't that way, but it does make sense. Then I remember our fight and what I blurted out in the heat of it, and I suck in a startled breath. Kuso! "Did he mention anything about..." I close my eyes for a moment as I try to collect my thoughts and find the best way to proceed. "Did he say anything about our fight?"

Videl studies me for a moment. "You mean what you said to him up there?" I nod stiffly, and she lets out a long breath. "No, he didn't, so either it was more than he wanted me to know, or just more than he could deal with right now."

Or both, a condescending voice in the back of my mind pipes up. I allow a soft moan to escape my throat at the thought, earning me a strange look from the woman before me.

"Are you going to tell me what you said that's worse than Gohan finding out about us in the first place?"

Damn it, she knows me way too well. "No."

I don't think she was expecting that answer, and she leans forward, her sapphire eyes boring into mine frantically. "Why not? Goku, please... I -"

"No," I repeat more firmly. "What's been said and done is in the past now." Gods, it would be a whole lot easier if I truly believed all this. "We have to focus on our families and making them whole again," I go on as steadily as possible, forcing myself to ignore the immediate grief that tightens my throat painfully.

Just as I feared, she sees right through me, giving me the same look she's given me since the beginning when she senses something's amiss. "It's not that simple, Goku, and you know it. I wish things hadn't turned out like this, but there's nothing that will change what's happened between Gohan and me... or what has developed between us," she stresses meaningfully. "We can't just walk away and pretend that everything is like it was before."

Why does it not surprise me that even though I'm many years her senior, she's been the one that's offering all of the wisdom? "Videl," I begin hesitantly, "I know that things can't be as they once were, or we'd both be just as unhappy as we were before. What I mean is... you can't throw it all away. Not until you've given Gohan a chance to be what you need." I see her mouth open to respond, but I continue before she has a chance. "Gohan loves you, Videl. He just didn't know how to show you. And think about Pan," I add, noting the immediate flash of fear over her pale visage. "Think about what it would do to her if you left Gohan. She has no idea anything's wrong. It would kill her to lose him like this, with no warning whatsoever, and in the end, she would blame you."

"And she'd be right," Videl concurs morosely as her voice cracks and a single tear slips down her left cheek. "But it doesn't make losing you hurt any less."

It's second nature now to tip my chair forward so that I can reach her face and wipe the small trail away, and I don't even really realize that I've done it until another thin line slips from the other shimmering eye. "I know," I admit softly as my other hand raises to dry the new set of tears, "but it has to be this way. We both know that."

I see so many things go through her eyes within a fraction of a second before I realize just how close I've edged my chair up to her, and that's the last thing I have time to focus on before she grabs my face and closes the distance, her lips sealing over my partially open ones. The kiss is passionate, demanding, desperate, hungry, soulful, mournful, full of both love and loss, though as I find myself responding with equal fervor, one word manages to find its way into the red haze of my mind when everything I want to convey to her is put together.

Goodbye.

It takes a moment, but I finally make myself back out of her embrace, squeezing my eyes shut and drawing a deep breath as I hear her begin to weep into both hands.

"I have to go."

She inhales sharply as her hands fall away, leaving her tortured blue eyes completely unveiled to me, making my own burn dangerously. I turn away and take my chair back to its place in the corner. By the time I finish, she's standing up, and though her body is still shaking slightly, she appears to have regained a great measure of poise as she regards me, her gaze hauntingly empty all of a sudden. "I can't do this, Goku," she whispers dreadfully.

I shift my weight from one foot to another uncomfortably. "Yes you can," I reply sincerely. Now it's my turn to pass along some wisdom, and I take a deep, calming breath. "And you will. I know it, because I know how much you love Pan, and I know you care about Gohan, even if you're not sure you love him anymore. You were hurt so badly before, and I was willing to help you through that. I'll never regret that, Videl. I never have. I helped you regain a true sense of who you are, and you taught me a great deal about life... and about love. And now it's time to take what we've been through - all that we've gained from each other - and use it to make things right again." Kami, I want to hold her so badly right now, but I choose instead to simply offer her a small, comforting smile. "I know it's scary to go back into a situation when you've been burned once, but it'll get easier with time."

"And if it doesn't? If things become like they were before?" she challenges half-heartedly.

I sigh thankfully knowing that this battle's already won. "If Gohan can't change, or if you and he simply can't reconcile what's happened, then you cross that bridge when it comes. But you'll never know if you don't give it another chance."

Her lip quivers and her jaw clenches as fresh tears begin making their way down her face, but she nods after a brief pause. "I'll try," she concedes softly. "I'll try for Gohan, and for Pan... and for you." Then her features harden slightly. "But I want you to promise me something, as well."

I swallow and raise an eyebrow. "Nani?"

"Stop pretending," she answers stubbornly. "You can't be someone you're not, or you'll go mad. I should know," she adds ruefully, though it's distorted by the sadness in her tone. "Please... it's all I'll ever ask of you. Just be who you are from now on, and to hell with what anyone thinks about it."

You don't ask for much, do you? Still, considering everything she will be facing in the future, I guess it's the least I can do. Especially since I'm damned tired of acting the fool anyway. "You have my word," I agree finally.

I can almost see it in her eyes - that look that says if it's good enough to make you marry a stranger, it's good enough for me, and I grin marginally for a second before she drops her head. "And you have mine, so you better go before I can't keep it," she manages roughly.

Which was exactly what flashed through my mind as I put my fingers to my forehead and retreated to the lonely familiarity of my bedroom where I could grieve in relative peace and try to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do now.

Lyrics: Heart of Stone by Cher, Wake Up by Alanis Morissette, and Keep It Precious by Melissa Etheridge

A/N: And I thought the last chapter was draining... good Kami-sama! Until next time, if you wanna know when I update, send a blank email to pareathe-subscribe@topica.com to get on the mailing list. Ja!