Reviewed By: MaskedVillain On: May 07, 2006 10:45 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 1 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 3 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story has a lot of potential, but I'm afraid you should look into several things. First, your character seems awfully Mary-Sue-ish. Being indestructible and extremely powerful makes the whole story kind of boring. If Akira can't get hurt, where's the action, or the drama? It's not as enjoyable when the character just laughs of whatever comes her way. Something that kind of ties in with this is the events on the street with the policeman and the thugs. Your officer didn't come off as realistic (in fact, he seemed rather brutish and silly), and the run-in with the thugs just seemed like a means to make the reader see that once again, Akira is invulnerable. Try describing things more clearly, or focus on the character's surroundings more. The setting doesn't just include what Akira's jumping over, it includes the atmosphere, the tension, things like that. Your grammar and spelling aren't that bad, but I'd suggest getting a Beta reader to catch anything that might escape your spellchecker. Also (and this is more of a pet peeve than anything) in regards to Akira's attack, "Kokudo of Kaosu", if you use the Japanese translated words paired with 'of', then there's really no point in going that direction at all. Use a Japanese term to connect the two, so that the phrase makes more sense. Aside from these things, I like the idea of the 'infected eye', and your plot seems to be grounded. I only hope that you take the above into consideration, and read this not as a flame review, but as a constructive critique.
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