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| "What You Do When You're Desperate" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: roku kyu [MediaMiner Member] On: May 03, 2005 00:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is an amazing piece of writing. Your research has been thorough and comprehensive, and it shows in the incredibly detailed portrait that you've painted of a sufferer of Munchausen's. I feel that you've made a wonderful connection between this syndrome and the character of Akito, who, although truly ill, uses his illness to bludgeon the other members of the Sohma family. I also applaud your unflinching depiction of the ravages of Akito's illness, with brutally realistic descriptions of the humiliations of continuous vomiting, diarrhea, and other infections. One criticism might be the question of whether Akito is in character. I think that you have him very consistent within this fic, but he seems to show more vulnerability here than I've seen before. In the canon series, Akito terrorizes everyone, but here he seems more whiny, even with Kyou. It seems obvious that even Shigure is afraid of him, yet here, Akito feels that Shigure uses him as a plaything. Finally, Akito's phone interchange with Tohru seems like that of a spoiled child. I'd like to see more of the silky, calculated viciousness that makes Akito's character so chilling. On the whole, though, I feel that this was a wonderfully rendered story. The scene where Akito goes wild with rage at being unable to reach Yuki was a vivid and shockingly violent moment, breathtaking in its dramatic intensity. Good work, keep writing, and thanks for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: May 01, 2005 20:06 CDT
Comment/Review:
Present is a rather awkward tense in almost every circumstance, but you passed it off well. The descriptions are rather vivid; you are successful in most cases with showing us rather than just telling us what is happening. Spelling and grammar, for the most part, are excellent. You use contractions outside of dialogue, which is something you should not do. Do not use "doesn't," use "does not." This looks much better and less like you do not care. You need to go through and look back over the formatting because at least one paragraph is split, mid-sentence at that, into two paragraphs. I think the use of caps when Akito is screaming is unnecessary and I would suggest not using it. It looks informal and rather sloppy. The exclamation point and the verb "scream" are more than enough to get the point across. Thank you for submitting to FFARG. :-)
| Reviewed By: Tenshi Shi Rachiru [MediaMiner Member] On: December 18, 2004 06:35 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wow, almost a perfect score. Where to begin? It's nice and lengthy, which leaves good room for gradual plot development. The grammer, spelling and punctuation is acurate. Your attention to detail is good and your reference to Akito being a 'Hated God' was spot on. I also liked the bit where you mentioned how he causes pain to others to make them understand how he feels - I always considered that to be Akito's reasoning. He's not evil; just misunderstood. On the downside, I would say that you didn't really need the cursewords - they threw me a bit because of Akito's character composition, it seemed unrealistic. Also, the reference to Christmas in the beginning, try changing that to New Years. Its a safer bet rather than a typically Western/Christian holiday. Other than that, I really liked it and look forward to reading more of your stuff.
| Reviewed By: AyameLover#? On: November 19, 2004 18:53 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
O.O Wow.......that was reeeeeally gooooood!!! Yay!!! I loved it!!! Very neat/original idea -- I haven't really stumbled across alot of Akito-centered fics, expecially not one w/ his POV, or with a plot like this...which was totally awesome, by the way. I can soooooo see Akito doing that......... Hey, here's an idea: write a sequel!!! Yah, I know that this was probably a random idea, and all, but I think that a sequel would by kewl. And if you want a challenge, you can put it in Hatori's POV...or develop a relationship between the two of them, even!!! Okie dokie, I'm gonna' leave now, before I scare you too much (more). ^__^ Keep up the good work!!!
| Reviewed By: darkestrose [MediaMiner Member] On: October 08, 2004 16:43 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wow.. that was long.. Where to start..? Um, first off, I didn't notice any spelling and grammar errors, which was great, because most stories I read have tons. ^^ Second, I like the plot line. You did a great job of keeping them in character. There's nothing else really to say.. It was great!
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