Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: staindgrey [MediaMiner Member] On: July 06, 2006 15:32 CDT
Comment/Review:
Alright, I like the idea of the story and the way you write as if inside Bulma's head is well executed. Also, you seem to be able to utilize the idea of a songfic well; it's not many times I see this, as the lyrics are usually just sort of thrown in and don't add much to the story. But, there's one huge problem you need to take care of: spelling and grammer. Sorry if I sound like an English teacher, but it really annoys a reader when simple, careless errors are found over and over again; things like sentences fragments ("Making my way up towards our bedroom."), forgetting punctuation ("I don't turn on the light*,* I just get changed into my sleeping attire..."), and somehow you completely forgot the first word of the sentence multiple times, like the last two sentences for example. And you never want to open up your story on a bad grammatical note, saying "He He..." Just do a quick read through before you submit it and correct those simple things, and it will definitely make your writing stand out more. (Also, I'm guessing you just copy and pasted the song lyrics, 'cause they aren't even capitalized when they should be.) But, again, it was a good idea and your writing style was great, but you need to rid your stories of so many careless mistakes if you're going to get readers to stick with them.
|
