Title: FFRG Review - Prologue
Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: August 06, 2005 22:16 CDT
Comment/Review:
The concept behind this story is extremely hilarious. However, there are a number of things that could be done to improve the overall reading experience. Your grammar and tenses could use some work. I suggest looking for a beta on the Media Miner Forums. Also, you shouldn't use faces like '>.>' in the middle of the work, as it draws away attention from the image. Which brings me to descriptions. You might want to work on your descriptions, adding meat to the facial expressions and the thoughts that are going through their heads. Your paragraphs are very short, and while that isn't always a bad thing, it can detract from the piece. I think adding more description will fatten up the paragraphs to a suitable length. The Kyuubi seems quite out of character. The likelihood of him speaking to Naruto casually about mundane things such as Jiraiya's pervertedness is very low. Writing in all caps is another one of those rules that can be broken, but shouldn't be if it isn't necessary. To avoid over-using caps, add a description to the sound of the voice, possibly paired with a description of the facial expression or behavior of the character. This can often be easily done by adding some sort of habit a character does when they feel a certain way. For example, a nervous person would fidget and tug on their sleeve, or excessively push their hair out of their face. When writing, try to imagine what the character looks like. Then try to put it into words. Thank you for submitting to |
