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| "The Stuff of Dreams" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: jessy8a10 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 20, 2005 18:40 CDT
Comment/Review:
i love the ficc update soon please
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 2)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 01:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. Very solid chapter this time! I'm usually not a fan of AU, but I'm finding myself very interested in your premise. Nice work! ^^ As for the nitty-gritty stuff, your grammar needs polishing. I noticed a ton of misused punctuation marks, mostly in regards to speech. You need to end all quotations with a comma (unless you use an exclamation or question mark) if you're adding a dialogue tag with it ("said X" or "she exclaimed", etc.). The first letter of the first word of the dialogue tag should be in lower case as well. There were a number of incorrectly used semi-colons, commas, and other markings as well, but those could be fixed with the help of a beta who has a strong grammar background. I also don't mean to nit-pick, but I found a few misused words as well. "Effect" (a noun) should be "affect" (a verb), and "choose" should be "chose" (referring to Miroku's choice of Kagome over Kikyou). ^^; There were several awkward sentences, and a few fragments that don't quite work stylistically. Again, all of these issues can be fixed with a second pair of eyes. ^^ Very nice work otherwise, and I'm interested to see where you take this story line! Thanks again for submitting your work to the FFRG.
| Title: FFRG Review Ch. 1
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: July 13, 2005 12:02 CDT
Comment/Review:
First let me start by saying thanks for submitting to FFRG. I just gave your first chapter a read-through and wanted to note a few things. While interesting premise to your fic, there were a few grammatical issues that would clean up the chapter and give it a far more cohesive feel. (For example, you really do need to put a comma between a line and the person the speaker is addressing: "I know Miroku." for example. You know Miroku? That's really not what you were after with this line, I'm sure.) The other big issue I noticed was the frequency with which you change POV's. While it is tempting to change POV's with the mindset that being omniscient is better, flip-flopping POV's also prevent the reader from truly being able to get into your characters. You also might want to add a standard disclaimer at the ends of your chapters (or beginnings, if you prefer). It's sort of par for course when dealing with Fanfiction, so that you've at least acknowledged the copyright owner(s) and thus credited the brilliant mind who created the characters you're borrowing. Other than those things, the chapter was strong. The set up was nice. Interesting to see where you go from here, I wish you all the best and thank you again for submitting to FFRG.
| Title: ffrg-Chapter 1
Reviewed By: misslady [MediaMiner Member] On: July 01, 2005 03:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
WOW!! I cant wait to read more!!! This is a great start. Nice idea putting the characters in the roles you have them in. You might want to reread this or have a second pair of eyes read this to catch the missing words and letters that are flipped (example: teh) I switch letters too when I type really fast as a story just flows out. This is really a good story and you gave great character descriptions. I CANT WAIT TO READ MORE!! Misslady
| Title: ffrg review
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: June 29, 2005 15:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting your story to the ffrg! It was a pleasure to read for you. Kagome's situation here is the story of my life, heheh, but I've not gotten that phone call yet. I think you're doing a wonderful job so far setting up your characterizations and establishing your backstory. The personalities you create are distinct and realistic--in keeping with the canon characters and the characters you are creating to be particular to the world they're in. I especially love the way you chose to end your chapter. I don't see anything that needs major work... though I would suggest that you consistantly write out numbers instead of using the arabic forms (i.e. two instead of 2). Sometimes you do this, but once in a while, you throw in a number instead of a word. Other than that... well, you're doing a wonderful job. Thanks again for sharing!
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