.hack//SIGN Fan Fiction ❯ .hack/RaNdOmNeSs ❯ Little Boy Wanda on Jerry Springer ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with .hack stuff.

A/N: Well I got bored again...hehe...

.hack/RaNdOmNeSs

Tsukasa: [Walking back and forth]

Mimiru: Stop that, it's making me dizzy.

Tsukasa: WELL I'M BORED!

Mimiru: Why?

Tsukasa: There is nothing to do after you show is finished...[Sigh]

Mimiru: Your show?

Tsukasa: Mine! My own...my preciousssssss...

Kite: We have always had a gental understanding of the creautres that lie beyond our boarders. [Changes his voice to a woman whispering] There are marks...on the door! [Returns to normal] July 20, prepare yourself for...THE VILLAGE! BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Crim: TV Is going to rot your brain...

Kite: It already has. [Goes back to a woman and stares at Crim] This color is not aloud here. It attracts them. We must burry it. [Grabs Crim and throws him in a giant hole]

Crim: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!

Kite: [Starts burring Crim] Heed the warning bell, for it means they are coming.

Crim: [Jumps up and starts beating Kite up]

Mimiru: This isn't good enough for you?

Tsukasa: Nope...we need something...like it had just flew out of a soap!

Subaru: [Brusts through the door] I'm three months pregnant!

6 Months Later...

Docter: Okay Subaru, Push, PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!

Waiting room...

Ginkan: [Walking back and forth smoking]

Elk: [In a ball in the the corner] Can I have some of that?

Mimiru: Why are you so scared Ginkan?

Ginkan: It's my damn baby! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SCARED!

Tsukasa, Bear, Kite & Crim: Your baby?

Ginkan: Yes! My baby!

Tsukasa, Bear, Kite & Crim: Umm...No, it's mine. Wait, yours!? ITS MINE!!! [Start fighting eachother]

BT: I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, takes pity on the male who baby this belongs too.

Elk: I hope it's not my baby...

Mimiru: YOU'VE SLEPT WITH SUBARU?!

Elk: No...but she asked me for a sperm donation once...so I gave it to her. AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF WITHOUT MAI! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

BT: I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, must say, Damn, Subaru does get around...

Subaru: [Comes out in a wheel chair holding a baby] Hey guys! Look what came out of me! It's a boy!

Girls & Elk: He's so beautiful!

Boys: [Still fighting]

Subaru: And I've named him Wanda.

Bear: [Stops fighting] WANDA?! WANDA?!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [Runs out the window]

Ginkan: [Stops fighting] Lady Subaru, don't you think that a boys name should be the name for a...boy...

Subaru: My brothers name is Wanda.

Mimiru: Honey, you don't have a brother.

Subaru: In my mind...[Cries]

Elk: Why not name him Ma-...Ma-...Maaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiire! Yes Marie.

Subaru: Thats a girls name!

Elk: How about Ma-...Ma-...Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary! Mary!

Subaru: Nah. I don't like M words.

Kite, Crim & Tsukasa: [Stop fighting and rush over] Whos the father?! It's me right?! You?! ITS ME! [Start fighting again]

BT: I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, says there is only one way to settle this...

Jerry Springer...

Jerry Springer: Okay Subaru so why are you here?

Subaru: I'm here to tell all those men who want to be the father of my baby that I only want Tsukasa as his daddy!

Jerry Springer: Okay, so let's bring out our first guest. Ginkan!

Ginkan: [Runs out at Subaru] You [Bleep!] How could you do this to me, [Bleep]ing [Bleep] [Bleep].

Steve: [Holds Ginkan back]

Subaru: I don't want you!

Ginkan: [Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!]

Jerry Springer: This is gonna be a fun show.

Veiwers: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Mimiru: [Watching at home] Um, BT? I don't think that Jerry Springer was the best show to put them on...

BT: I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, agrees. But It does give us some entertainment.

Jerry Springer...

Ginkan: [Chained down in his chair] I have done nothing but serve you! Then you go and give MY baby away to some angst ridden wavemaster?!?!

Subaru: It was his anyway!

Ginkan: HE'S A GIRL!

Veiwers: Ooooooooooh! WE LOVE LESBIANS! WE LOVE LESBAINS!

Subaru: HE IS NOT!

Ginkan: Please!

Jerry Springer: We're gonna bring him out in just a second, but here is Bear!

Bear: [Walks out in his pimp gear] I'm glad you don't want me! Remember the pimp bible! [Holds up the Pimp Bible] Rule 1: Green for the money, THEN go for the honey.

Subaru: YOU USED ME?! [Bleep] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYA! [Jumps at Bear]

Veiwers: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Steve: [Picks Subaru off Bear]

Bear: x.X [Dead]

Subaru: [Foaming at the mouth] LET ME AT HIM! HE USED ME!

Ginkan: Everyone uses you [Bleep]ing hore!

Veiwers: HORE! HORE! HORE! HORE!

Subaru: And its damn good they do! I've got these mango cans that all men will want, so of course people will be using me!

Veiwers: TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

Subaru: [Flashes the Veiwers]

Veiwers: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Jerry Springer: And our ratings go up!

.hacks peoples home...

Mimiru & BT: [Watching in horror]

Mimiru: Maybe we should go save them.

BT: LET OUR POWERS COMBINE!

Murray Show...

Murray: Okay, Subaru, so we are here to find out who the father to your little baby boy, Wanda is. All of these people have slept with you at the time of your test?

Screen: [Shows pictures of Tsukasa, Ginkan, Bear, Crim, Kite, Elk, Sora, Balmung and Helba]

Subaru: Yep thats all! Just Elk gave me a sperm donation. He's too young for me.

Murray: We gave all of them a blood test and we have the results. But first, lets build up tension by showing you a clip of what they have to say about you.

Subaru: Screw the clip, BRING THEM OUT HERE!

The people in the pictures walk out and sit down.

Murray: Are you ready? This might be a shock for all of you. Let's start with Elk since he never slept with her.

Elk: Glup...

Murray: Elk...You are NOT the father.

Elk: YES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Mai: [Waves a little Elk flag] Yey!

Murray: Crim...You are NOT the father.

Crim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Murray: Tsukasa...You are NOT the father.

Tsukasa: Damn it!

Subaru: I still want Tsukasa to be the father anyway.

Murray: Helba...You are NOT the father.

Helba: Well yeah, I'm a woman!

Murray: Bear, You are NOT the father.

Bear: x.X [Still Dead]

Murray: Kite, You ARE the father.

Kite: YES!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!

Ginkan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE!

Balmung: [Slips away]

Sora: Well...I'm not sad...but I'm not happy either! [Leaves]

Subaru: Well, even though he is yours, WE DON'T WANT YOU IN OUR LIFE!

Tsukasa: YEAH!

Kite: Meh, like I want to be in your life anymore then I already am. I just wanna change his name to Wanda to Lou!

Tsukasa: I like Lou.

Subaru: Hmm...me too...Too bad we're keeping Wanda.

Kite: Damn...

Back at the .hacks house...

Mimiru: Was that good enough for you?

Tsukasa: [Holding little Wanda] Yeah...

Wanda: [Bites Tsukasa, runs out the door, steals their mini-van and rides away]

Tsukasa: Ow!

Subaru: [Sniff] They grow up so fast. I feel like just yesterday I was giving brith to her.

Crim: It was today!

Subaru: Not in, 5...4....3...2...1! [Throws up magic sparkles] HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Everyone: [Has a party]

Bear: [Magically alive] Now what?

Elk: Let's get high!

Tsukasa: We did that already...I know! No...wait...I lost it...

BT: I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, says that we should Learn Spanish!

Crim: Spanish is fun!

Kite: While you do that, I'll watch TV! [Sits and watchs TV ingore everyone]

So everyone goes off and learns spanish!

ThE eNd TiLl We MeEt AgAiN!