Ayashi No Ceres Fan Fiction ❯ Rebirth ❯ Chapter 7
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Lina Inverse 
Anime/Manga: Ayashi No Ceres Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Mystery / Psychological / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 11.17.2003 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.2K | Visits: 230 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Ayashi No Ceres Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Mystery / Psychological / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 11.17.2003 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.2K | Visits: 230 | Status: Completed
A/N: Thank you so much for the constructive criticism, Rai Dorian! I've updated this chapter as well, and it's looking a lot better ^_^
When that happened, I didn't know what was going on--- just that it was BAD. After it happened, I stayed awake through the entire night, crying, trying to make sense of what had just happened. My knowledge of rape was so slim that I wouldn't be able to recognize it... and all I thought "whore" meant was a derogatory name for any woman.
At about four in the morning, when both my parents were sound asleep, I got out of bed to find a way to release my anger. I walked to the bathroom, so distressed that I slammed my fist into the concrete walls. My skin tore, and blood streamed from my hand. I spent the rest of the night dabbing my hand with toilet paper to stop the bleeding. Only now do I realize that after punching the wall, I didn't think at all of what my father did to my mother, only of the blood across my knuckles and of the searing pain through my entire hand.
I break out of the trance because I've arrived at Dr. Kagami's office and he is now telling me he's ready for my appointment. I follow him back to his now-familiar office and take a seat.
"I've been through a lot this week," I say slowly.
"Tell me about it."
"So many memories have come back to me. Awful ones. First, I remembered a day in elementary school. This lady came to my class to talk about careers, and then I went home and asked my mom what she did, and she... she slapped me."
Kagami wrote it all down, then responded, "I'm so sorry. No matter how difficult a parent's life is, she should never have the right to hit her child. Was this a pattern?"
I pause to recollect my thoughts. "I don't think so. Even though she hit me once and she was a prostitute, I think she was a fairly good mother." I take a deep breath. "I think the real problem is my dad."
"Oh? And what do you know of him?"
"Too much."
We remain silent for a minute as I struggle for a way to tell him what I know.
"Is it difficult to talk about?"
I nod.
"If you don't want to talk about it, it can wait. But I am here to listen and to be supportive of you."
I swallow, in hopes of calming the butterflies in my stomach. It works well enough for me to begin speaking. "He..." Tears flow from my eyes. "He murdered... my mother..."
"Tooya! That's just... awful!"
"That's not even the worst of it. I... I remembered in detail... This one time that my dad..." Another gulp. "...raped my mom."
Tears well up in Dr. Kagami's eyes as well. "Tooya... Thank you for sharing that with me. It takes a lot of courage to speak of something like that."
"Thank you," I mutter.
"I'm very glad you're in therapy, getting the help you need to get over your past. If there's anything you want of me, don't hesitate to ask. I'm only here to make your life more manageable." He pauses, then changes the subject, "A lot of people with histories like yours go on to be sexual predators. I'm happy that you came into therapy instead of acting on your anger."
Ugh. I DID act on my anger. I raped her. I fucking raped Aya! ...I'm no better than my dad. I'm just a pathetic little creep. Look at the pain I'm in from just hearing my mother getting raped--- imagine what Aya must be going through, actually having BEEN raped. I can't believe what I've done... God, I'm so sorry. I ask for one favor, and one favor only. It's not forgiveness... All I wish is that the hurt I've done to Aya is undone... somehow...
Right. I'm in a therapy session now. I've got to talk to him. "I had always assumed that I was just the product of my mother's... er... business... Yet the memory I've uncovered of my father makes it seem like he lived with me. That that bastard had the... audacity to marry my mother." I flew into a rage, and my tone of voice did nothing to hide it. "She was my fucking mother! You had no right to ruin her life... then take it from her! I barely know who the hell she was, and thanks to you, I never will..." I began to sob. "She had a child to raise and was doing the damn best she could at raising him, then you just fucking ruin it all! If you want to ruin your own life, go ahead. But don't ruin mine... my mother's... Aya's..." Suddenly, I become aware of Dr. Kagami's presence. "I'm sorry..."
"Don't be. This is a very healthy way to vent your feelings, Tooya."
"I'm done, anyway. At least for now."
"Yelling seems to work very well for you."
I crack a smile. "Yeah, I guess." I sigh. "I've learned this all only in the past few days. My best friend, Alec, knows some of my past, since he knew me since elementary school. But I never let him tell me because I was afraid what might have happened in my past. I... I never imagined it could be like this."
"But it is, and you have to face it because it's the truth. Know that people will always be there for you. Like me and this friend of yours... Alec, you said?"
"Yes. Alec." After a long pause, I continue, "I wish I hadn't asked about my past. I've uncovered so many painful memories."
"In time, you will uncover joyful ones as well."
"Yeah... I guess there was some joy in my memories... I got to know how long I've been friends with Alec... I got to know what kind of a person my mother was. After all, if I hadn't had these memories, I would never know who my own mother was. It's just... painful... to know how it all ended. It hurts so much inside knowing that I had the kind of dad who would murder his own wife... I don't even know why he did it. Was he just some sort of sadistic bastard?" My voice was slow, pained, and wistful. "Wait a minute," the words burst out. "I'm remembering something new."
When that happened, I didn't know what was going on--- just that it was BAD. After it happened, I stayed awake through the entire night, crying, trying to make sense of what had just happened. My knowledge of rape was so slim that I wouldn't be able to recognize it... and all I thought "whore" meant was a derogatory name for any woman.
At about four in the morning, when both my parents were sound asleep, I got out of bed to find a way to release my anger. I walked to the bathroom, so distressed that I slammed my fist into the concrete walls. My skin tore, and blood streamed from my hand. I spent the rest of the night dabbing my hand with toilet paper to stop the bleeding. Only now do I realize that after punching the wall, I didn't think at all of what my father did to my mother, only of the blood across my knuckles and of the searing pain through my entire hand.
I break out of the trance because I've arrived at Dr. Kagami's office and he is now telling me he's ready for my appointment. I follow him back to his now-familiar office and take a seat.
"I've been through a lot this week," I say slowly.
"Tell me about it."
"So many memories have come back to me. Awful ones. First, I remembered a day in elementary school. This lady came to my class to talk about careers, and then I went home and asked my mom what she did, and she... she slapped me."
Kagami wrote it all down, then responded, "I'm so sorry. No matter how difficult a parent's life is, she should never have the right to hit her child. Was this a pattern?"
I pause to recollect my thoughts. "I don't think so. Even though she hit me once and she was a prostitute, I think she was a fairly good mother." I take a deep breath. "I think the real problem is my dad."
"Oh? And what do you know of him?"
"Too much."
We remain silent for a minute as I struggle for a way to tell him what I know.
"Is it difficult to talk about?"
I nod.
"If you don't want to talk about it, it can wait. But I am here to listen and to be supportive of you."
I swallow, in hopes of calming the butterflies in my stomach. It works well enough for me to begin speaking. "He..." Tears flow from my eyes. "He murdered... my mother..."
"Tooya! That's just... awful!"
"That's not even the worst of it. I... I remembered in detail... This one time that my dad..." Another gulp. "...raped my mom."
Tears well up in Dr. Kagami's eyes as well. "Tooya... Thank you for sharing that with me. It takes a lot of courage to speak of something like that."
"Thank you," I mutter.
"I'm very glad you're in therapy, getting the help you need to get over your past. If there's anything you want of me, don't hesitate to ask. I'm only here to make your life more manageable." He pauses, then changes the subject, "A lot of people with histories like yours go on to be sexual predators. I'm happy that you came into therapy instead of acting on your anger."
Ugh. I DID act on my anger. I raped her. I fucking raped Aya! ...I'm no better than my dad. I'm just a pathetic little creep. Look at the pain I'm in from just hearing my mother getting raped--- imagine what Aya must be going through, actually having BEEN raped. I can't believe what I've done... God, I'm so sorry. I ask for one favor, and one favor only. It's not forgiveness... All I wish is that the hurt I've done to Aya is undone... somehow...
Right. I'm in a therapy session now. I've got to talk to him. "I had always assumed that I was just the product of my mother's... er... business... Yet the memory I've uncovered of my father makes it seem like he lived with me. That that bastard had the... audacity to marry my mother." I flew into a rage, and my tone of voice did nothing to hide it. "She was my fucking mother! You had no right to ruin her life... then take it from her! I barely know who the hell she was, and thanks to you, I never will..." I began to sob. "She had a child to raise and was doing the damn best she could at raising him, then you just fucking ruin it all! If you want to ruin your own life, go ahead. But don't ruin mine... my mother's... Aya's..." Suddenly, I become aware of Dr. Kagami's presence. "I'm sorry..."
"Don't be. This is a very healthy way to vent your feelings, Tooya."
"I'm done, anyway. At least for now."
"Yelling seems to work very well for you."
I crack a smile. "Yeah, I guess." I sigh. "I've learned this all only in the past few days. My best friend, Alec, knows some of my past, since he knew me since elementary school. But I never let him tell me because I was afraid what might have happened in my past. I... I never imagined it could be like this."
"But it is, and you have to face it because it's the truth. Know that people will always be there for you. Like me and this friend of yours... Alec, you said?"
"Yes. Alec." After a long pause, I continue, "I wish I hadn't asked about my past. I've uncovered so many painful memories."
"In time, you will uncover joyful ones as well."
"Yeah... I guess there was some joy in my memories... I got to know how long I've been friends with Alec... I got to know what kind of a person my mother was. After all, if I hadn't had these memories, I would never know who my own mother was. It's just... painful... to know how it all ended. It hurts so much inside knowing that I had the kind of dad who would murder his own wife... I don't even know why he did it. Was he just some sort of sadistic bastard?" My voice was slow, pained, and wistful. "Wait a minute," the words burst out. "I'm remembering something new."