Batman Fan Fiction ❯ Catwoman: The Tamer ❯ Jokes ( Chapter 7 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Jokes

We tracked the criminal clowns to a run-down laugh factory located in one of Gotham's seedy pockets. Being outside the shady-looking shack brought back a handful of unwanted, purrverse memories that would stay tied to my tail until I retired.

I told the kids to remain outside, and to listen closely just in case I needed them. Neither being a stranger to such an order, they used their training to disappear. That left me alone to have a quick chat with the psychos about the location of one of their ilk, and more importantly, my thick-headed partner in need of rescue.

Sneaking was an innate talent for me. I was silent; a light-shaded shadow sliding through the halls as a ghost. A whisper the night summoned forth for justice. I was beginning to see why Bruce enjoyed being the dark knight. Sleuthing had its moments.

I'd made it to the room they resided in, still unnoticed, crouching behind a stack of crates to stay concealed. One hand gripped the handle of my whip, the other stretching the claws of a predator preparing to pounce on unsuspecting purrey. I was all geared towards an execution.

That is, until I heard, "I can't believe you humiliated me like that!" something that my subconscious had been screaming to say to a certain someone. "You're dead, buster! You hear me? K-I-L-L-E-D! DEAD! Just wait until I find those knives you gave me for my birthday. Then you'll be sorry!" Harley was seething. And when I looked up, I saw the Joker actually retreating from the death-glaring girl, now thankfully fully dressed in her trademark harlequin getup.

"Calm down, Harley," he pleaded, paralleling a scene I'd recently gone through myself. She tossed a heavy looking crate at his head, which he nearly didn't avoid.

"Calm down? Is that really all you can say? You really are a laugh, Mistah J. Why should I calm down?" He halted for a moment, no doubt to think up an excuse. It was a common sign of a liar. Something I'd never seen Bruce do, not even when I caught him red-handed. Purrhaps he was just a more talented liar than this unfunny clown.

"Because... everything I did was to ensure your safety, snookums." I couldn't believe my ears; it was as if he wasn't even trying.

"Ha! That's a good one, boss," she mocked, and I didn't blame her. "You always deliver a good punchline. Next you're gonna tell me you and the Cat were just patty cake partners before you met me." She huffed, and again the cat caught her tongue in her teeth so as not to give her position away.

"You have to believe me, Harley! You're my little sucker punch, my secret joke in the hole I rely on when I can't seem to stir up my own fun. And sure, you make mistakes; mistakes that make me want to pummel you with a sack of really heavy boots, but it doesn't mean I want to seriously hurt you! I put you in that machine to protect you."

I could see it in her eyes as well as he could. The poor girl was beginning to falter on her stance, and the sociopath would find it easy to capitalize on her doubts. She spun away from him, arms folded, pout prominent but not promising. He walked up behind her and slowly wrapped himself around her.

"Keeping you hidden away was the only way I knew you were safe. With your safety not on my mind, I was free to get captured and learn about our new friend, The Tamer. If I had you with me, things would have been far worse off for you. I was abused as it was; you don't wanna know what he would've done to you, but I'll tell you anyway if it gets me off the hook."

The next few moments were too quiet to hear. Go figure, the loud mouth was exceptionally skilled at whispering. Still, whatever he murmured into her ear got results, as the next sounds were of the girl begging him to zip his lip.

"A-alright Mistah J. I forgive you, I promise! See, you're Harley's beaming like the sunshine. Everything's right as rain." She stretched her lips up with her fingers to give a dopey grin to convince him. He may have been amused by it, but I had definitely seen enough.

"Well, isn't this the touchiest scene in the loony bin soap opera." I sprung up from my hiding place, and they might have made a mess in their colorful trousers the way they jumped in surprise. "I hope there's a magic show for the second act, where someone gets sawed in half. I love that suspenseful stuff."

"You've got some nerve butting your whiskers into our business. Can't you eavesdroppers ever leave a tender moment alone? You should be ashamed of yourself!" The blonde went on trying to tell me off, until I shot her a look that had her cowering in the clown's arms.

"Don't worry. I didn't trail you just to pick another fight. That's not going to get me what I want any faster. Just tell me where I can find The Tamer and no one gets their face clawed up like a scratching-post."

"Can it, tuna breath! I'm not doing one solitary thing to help you or your fashion disaster, cape-wearing companion… unless you can make me laugh." As the clown unveiled his condition, the grin he wore worked to unnerve me.

"Are you serious!" I shouted. "This isn't a game, freak-show. You do realize the Batman is going to die unless I can save him, right? Even for someone as twisted as you, that still holds consequences. The only man you feel understands you is going to perish at the hands of someone else, and you're okay with this?"

"Yup!" he snickered. "I don't believe an upstart is going to get that kind of beginner's luck. I've thrown far worse at the Bat and he always manages to turn it around. And even if this newbie does the impossible, I'll have a hell of a time sinking him, and the rest of Gotham into a cesspool of insanity. It may not be the best outcome, but I still come out on top. So, if you want me to scratch your back, Cat, you don't have any choice but to joke the Joker."

I wanted to punch his smug face in, but that would give me nothing but momentary satisfaction. Instead, I exhaled a breath of contempt for my situation, and submitted to his demand. "Knock knock," I started, trying my best to lift my voice above the flat monotone.

"Who's there?" he sung with enthusiasm.

"Ha he ha ho ho."

"...Ha he ha ho ho... who?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"There, I made you laugh."

His expression was pure, priceless purrplexity until he finally caught on to what I meant. "Hey! That wasn't funny at all! You cheated! Doesn't count!"

"Don't be a sore loser! We didn't agree on any rules. You laughed, I win, gimme my prize!"

"At least tell a joke, otherwise what's the point?"

"Why'd the black cat cross the road? To cause an eight car pileup with her bad luck charm."

"Heh, that was cute, but you'll have to do better than that to get me to bust a gut."

"Fine, you sick sadistic asshole! You wanna know something I find hilarious?" I stalked over to him, pushing the bimbo out the way and gripping the psycho by his collar. "Before you tried to drop that piano on my head, I actually thought I could straighten you out and make you a better person. I don't know why I was so delusional, but I really had feelings for you. Even now, when my common sense and instinct forbid it, some part of me still holds on to the good times, and hopes that you'll change your ways."

"Ha ha ha ha ha! And why wouldn't you be? After all, I am the Joker with the most, baby!" He made some proud gestures meant to make him look worth worshiping. I nearly gagged when he winked at me. The blonde behind me growled. "Alright, kitty. A deal's a deal." He outstretched a hand to shake. I looked at the lunatic with disdain.

With all the deadly purranks he pulled in the past with this same maneuver as the setup, electric buzzers and explosive fake arms just being a few examples, I figured just letting go of his collar was an acceptable sign of agreeing to the deal. "So, where are we head—"

Almost automatically, I threw myself at the clown, while simultaneously kicking his freaky stalker backwards. We crashed harshly into a pile of solid wooden boxes, barely avoiding the shards of glass raining down, or the body flailing as it fell through the building's skylight.

Before I was even oriented, I could hear Robin's panicked voice shouting, "They took her! We have to go, now!" I was upright and at the ready in an instant. He, on the other hand, looked like he might be out of commission for a while.

The boy's face was already bruising, and it looked as if the glass had sliced his cheek up. He spit a wad of blood out of his mouth, which was still pouring out the corner of his lips as he yelled, "We have to go! I have to get her back!" before clutching his side and making a tear-jerking expression of agony.

"Hold on, cowboy. We'll get her back, but first thing's first. We need to get you some medical attention." I knelt down beside him, hoping some sort of motherly instinct would take over as I lightly caressed his cut up cheek. He grabbed my wrist, and I couldn't stomach looking into his eyes for more than a brief glance.

"It was my fault they took her," he whispered. "I should have protected her, but they ambushed us. I couldn't defend her." He sounded defeated, and when I looked up into his eyes again, I could see he was slowly starting to fade.

"Wait! Stay with me, kid. You said they, right? Who is The Tamer working with?" It's not like I needed to ask. "Who do you think?" is what my mind kept asking, but I couldn't risk jumping to conclusions. Still, my heart sunk when I heard those two shallow breaths before the boy lost consciousness.

"Bat... man..." he heaved with a punctured lung, before leaving me on the floor alone, with two criminal clowns, an unconscious body, and a heart full of fear.