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[ P - Pre-Teen ]

ROOM SERVICE - ANIME STYLE
ACT I



R80: We about ready?

Cast: Almost, boss!

Cell: Who's gonna do the disclaimer?

Silencer: Gotsumon's got it covered. How's the crowd looking?

Wolfwood: So far, pretty good. We got Archangel Bloodraven, raine, Happyman, Kei-chan, Trio, BGCrisis, Kari and the rest of the DDs with their Digimon, Goku's family, TK's folks and Patamon, the GW boys and the Gundam crew... a good size crowd.

Gohan: I hope dad will be okay. He's been working hard on his part.

Chi-chi: I'm sure he'll do just fine, Gohan.

Sayla: I can't believe my brother's wearing his helmet for this!

Kai: Actors, go figure.

Gotsumon: *Emerges from behind the curtains* Greetings and salutations, everyone! How are you all doing?

Patamon & Gatomon: Hiya, Rocky!

Gotsumon: I'll be narrating somewhat and dishing out the disclaimers and whatnot before we get this shindig on its way... First off, Robster80 does not own any of the characters used here in this fic. They each belong to their respective owners. This story is not his, either. It's based on the old Marx Bros. movie produced by RKO Pictures, which was also based on the play of the same name.

Happyman: If this is Robster's interpretation of that movie, then this should be fun even if you haven't seen the original movie.

Gotsumon: This play will be presented in script format to make things a bit easier to read. One more thing, it would be greatly appreciated if everyone in the audience please keep quiet during the performance.

Arch: Our lips are sealed!

Gotsumon: Okay then, without further ado... R80 proudly presents... Room Service - Anime Style! We begin in the dining room of the White Way Hotel, where our story takes place... *Exits*

(Curtains open to a dining area. Spike is sitting at a table, reading a newspaper. Goku, dressed as a waiter, is standing beside him)

Spike: (Looks up from paper at Goku) Well, what do you want? Can't a man have any privacy?

Goku: (Hands Spike a paper, speaking in a Russian accent) The check, Mr. Miller.

Spike: Oh, the check! Is it any good?

Goku: Yes, sir.

Spike: (Takes check) We'll soon find out. (Takes out a pen and signs the check before returning it to Goku) There you are.

Goku: Thank you. Mr. Miller, many times I've seen your company rehearsing on the 19th floor. I would like to play the part of the Polish Miner.

Spike: (Puts his paper away) My advice is to stay where you are. Many actors would be tickled to death to get as close to a lamb chop as you. And I do mean you.

R80: (Offstage) Paging Mr. Gordon Miller! You have a phone call!

Spike: Excuse me. (Gets up and goes to the phone at the desk. He picks it up) Hello?

Faye: (Offstage) Gordon? It's me.

Spike: Oh, Christine! Hello, babe! What can I do for you?

Faye: I'll be a little late. I can't leave until Mr. Fremont goes to lunch.

Spike: Well get over to the rehearsal as fast as you can. Don't forget I'm making a star outta you, and you only invested over $1000 in this play.

Faye: Alright. Goodbye!

Spike: (Hangs up the phone as Goku approaches him) What is it now, Sasha?

Goku: Please, Mr. Miller, I want you to look at this review I received from a critic for my performance for my last play in Russia. (Show's Spike the review.)

Spike: Interesting, and just when did he say that? (Bites into a pretzel)

Goku: Just before he was shot by a robber. (Puts review away) It's just like in America, three and a half stars! And, in the second at... (Starts doing a Russian dance)

Spike: (Joins in, dancing his own way)

(Roger Smith enters from the side. One look at him, and Goku stops dancing and rushes off stage. Roger heads over to Spike, who also stops dancing.)

Happyman: (Thinking) This is great! The meeting of two characters voiced by the same actor.

Roger: Gordon, I wanna talk to you!

Spike: Sorry, Joe, but I never like talking to a hotel manager on a full stomach.

Roger: This whole thing is a terrible mess.

Spike: (Walks to the elevator, followed by Roger) If you're referring to that meal I just had, you're dead right. And don't worry, Joe. Once I get a backer for my play, I'll have that bill paid off quickly. Things like these take time. You can't shake suckers out of your sleeves, after all. At least I can't. (Exits in elevator with Roger)

Silencer: (Backstage, whispering) Hit it, Jetstorm!

Jetstorm: (Whispering) Scene change, yo! (Throws a switch)

(Curtain closes for a moment, then opens halfway to a hotel room. Spike and Roger enter.)

Roger: Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot. Mr. Wagner, the supervising director, is downstairs in the office now, inspecting the books.

Spike: Wagner?! I thought you said he wasn't coming for another two months?

Roger: He walked in on me this morning unexpectedly. He'll discover your bill any second. $12,000 worth of credit to a shoestring producer... How will I explain it? If he finds out you're my brother-in-law, it could cost me my job!

Happyman: (Thinking) Oh-ho, this is sweet!

BGCrisis: (Whispers) Hate to be with them at a family picnic.

Amuro: Same here.

Spike: (Sits down on the edge of the bed and pulls out a cigarette) It was a business proposition, Joe. In exchange for rooms for my cast of 20 and myself, I give you a ten percent interest in the show. Don't forget, you begged to get in on the ground floor.

Roger: (Sits on couch, facing Spike) You mean I was railroaded into it. By you and Flossie.

Spike: (Gets up after lighting his cigarette) Do me a favor and keep your wife's name out of this! Do you realize that you're talking about the woman you love? Besides, she also happens to be my sister. On my mother's side.

Duo: (Enters and speaks in an Italian accent) Hullo, boss! The rehearsal, she's a wonderful!

Trowa: (Whispering) He doesn't do a bad Chico impersonation.

Spike: Hello, Benelli!

Duo: Yessiree, it'sa wonderful! I still think it'sa terrible play, but it makesa wonderful rehearsal. (Goes over and picks up the phone) Get me room service, please?

Roger: (Takes phone and hangs it up) Just a minute, Benelli! You can't eat here anymore.

Spike: Well, Joe, there's only one thing for me to do... I'll have to scram. (Heads for the closet and opens it)

Roger: (Goes over to Spike) Gordon, I can't let you skip! You'll have to leave your luggage.

Spike: (Pulls out several coats) Okay, I'll leave my luggage. But that doesn't mean we can't wear a lot of clothes. Hey, Benelli! Put on three of my suits!

Duo: Just a sec, boss! I'm making a call. (Picks up the phone and dials a number) Get me room 1922, please. ...Faker? Here we go again. Come on down and give us a hand. (Hangs up)

Roger: What are you planning now, Gordon?

Spike: (Continues to bring out clothes from the closet) The cast is registered under my name, and aren't responsible for their own bills. What I'll do is skip out and have the cast re-register under their own names. This way, instead of one big bill, you have 21 little ones. (Lays out clothes on the bed)

(The Phone rings. Duo answers it.)

Duo: Hello? (Puts receiver down on the couch) Joe, it's for you. (Walks away to the bed)

Roger: (Picks up the receiver) Hello? ...Oh, yes, Mr. Wagner. I'll be right down. (Hangs up) He hasn't found it, yet, but I think he's close to it.

Spike: (Moves the last of his clothes to the bed) I'll be outta here in 15 minutes.

Roger: (Heads for the door) Seventeen years in the hotel business, and I have to pull a stunt like this! (Exits)

(Duo and Spike start putting on extra shirts and pants.)

Duo: Well, it's like I always said, the hotel isa no good.

Spike: I'm afraid you're right, Benelli. You mind putting me up for the night?

Duo: Sure, but you'll have to sleep on the shelf.

Spike: What about the floor?

Duo: I'M on the floor.

Spike: What happened to the bed?

Duo: I can't get it out of the wall.

(Vash enters the room.)

Duo: C'mon, Faker! Give us a hand.

(Vash nods and takes his coat off, revealing his pants but no shirt but a checkered tie. Most of the girls in the audience cover their eyes at this until Vash starts putting on the extra clothing.)

Spike: I see he came prepared.

Duo: No, he just don't believe in shirts.

Spike: Oh, an atheist, eh? ...Say, maybe he can put me up for the night?

Duo: At the Metropol? You wouldn't wanna stay there, boss. That's the worst flophouse on 5th Avenue.

Spike: Well, then I guess I'll have to curl up on the shelf with you.

Duo: Sure, you're much better off. Besides, you'd have to sleep sideways at his place.

Spike: ...I thought he had a large bed.

Duo: Yeah, but he'sa got five other guys living with 'em. They're packed in like a bunch of sardines.

(All three men finish overdressing when Faye enters.)

Faye: What, Gordon, running out again?

Spike: Hello, beautiful.

Faye: You can't leave! I found a backer for you. A man named Jenkins walked right into the office, asking to see Mr. Fremont. He said he had money he wants to invest in a play.

Duo: What kind of a straight jacket did he wear?

Faye: I talked him out of seeing Fremont. I told him all about you, Gordon, and he's reading a copy of "Hail and Farewell" right now.

Spike: Too bad you made the appointment here. I dunno what to do. If I stay, I'll be thrown out of the hotel.

Duo: If you don't stay, you'll lose the backer.

Faye: But you must be here when he comes.

(There's a knock on the door.)

Faye: That might be him now.

Spike: Man the pumps, boys! (Puts on his coat and hat, as do Duo and Vash, before going to the door and opening it, revealing TK.)

TK: (Holding a travel bag in one hand and a typewriter case in the other) Mr. Gordon Miller?

Spike: That's me.

TK: I'm Leo Davis.

Spike: Davis?

Davis: (Dashes in the exit door) Somebody call for me? (Gets thrown out by the older DD quickly and quietly)

Kari: (Thinking and sighing with relief) That was a close one!

(Burter, Ginyu, and Recoome quickly seal off every door and passageway into the theater and backstage before the play goes on.)

Spike: Davis?

TK: Yeah, the author of "Hail and Farewell."

Spike: Oh! Now I remember! Come on in.

TK: (Enters the room with Duo closing the door behind him) I guess I should have wired you that I was coming.

Spike: Oh no, that's quite all right. Don't mind the place, we were just cleaning up a bit. (Points at Faye) This is Miss Marlo, who's starring in your play. (Points at Duo) That's Mr. Benelli, my treasurer... (Points at Vash) and this is Mr. England, the brains of the organization.

Vash: (Smiles proudly)

Spike: That should give you an idea of the organization.

Vash: (Frowns)

Wolfwood: (Snickers from backstage)

Silencer: Ssh!

TK: (Takes off his hat) If you don't mind, I'll go down and register.

Spike: You intend on staying here?

TK: Well... there's something I think you ought to know. You see, I haven't any money to speak of. Not after I bought my train ticket back home in Oswego. I was counting on the advance.

Spike: Davis, I'd be happy to lend you the money now, it's really no trouble... but my advice is for you to go home and wait till I send for you when we open, say... five or six weeks?

TK: But I've left home for good. I've burned my bridges behind me.

Vash: (Lifts up the back of TK's coat, looks, then lets go and shakes his head in disagreement)

Spike: But think of those you left behind.

TK: My mother seemed very happy when I left.

Spike: Only a mother's mask.

Ms. Takaishi: (Thinking) How true.

Spike: At this moment, she may be seated by the fireside, wringing her handkerchief.

TK: We have no fireside.

Spike: You have no fireside?! How do you listen to the President's speeches?

Faye: (Picks up the phone and dials information) ...What time's the next bus leaving for Oswego?

TK: (Walks over to Faye) Excuse me, Miss Marlo-!

Spike: (Grabs TK gently) You'll thank me for this someday.

Faye: (Hangs up) The next bus leaves in 15 minutes. If you hurry, you can make it.

TK: Wait a minute-! (Is being pushed to the now open door)

Duo: It'sa air-cooled bus!

TK: (Breaks himself free) Now just a minute! I don't want to appear rude, but if you people have lost interest in my play, I wish you'd just say so.

Spike: We haven't-!

TK: I'm sure Mr. Fremont would like to have my play. I got a letter of introduction from him before I left home.

Spike: (Quickly) Davis, I'm beginning to see your point. You just don't want to go home.

TK: Yes, that's it. (Comes back in)

Spike: And besides, all you need is room and board right now, correct? That problem's solved: you'll move in with us!

TK: No, I couldn't impose-.

Spike: No trouble at all! You're my guest. This is liberty hall. (Lifts his hat off only to have it switched with another hat by Vash) By the way, if you do have any money, I'll gladly put it downstairs in my vault for safekeeping.


Trio: (Whispers) Why is he volunteering to do that?

Happyman: (Whispers) Groucho's characters were always notorious for swindling money from everybody, or trying to, anyway.

TK: I have $67.

Duo: You got $67, and you're asking us for an advance?!


Spike: Heh! He's always clowning. (Glares at Duo slightly)

TK: Well, if you don't mind then, I think I'll go wash up. (Takes off his coat)

Duo: Why not? The rest of us are already washed up. (Leads TK over to the bathroom)

Faye: Well, I'll have to ask Mr. Fremont for an advance on my salary. (Exits)

Vash: (Takes TK's coat and bag and puts them on the table before giving him a towel)

TK: Thank you. I still have some cinders in my ear from that train ride. (Enters the bathroom and closes the door)

Spike: Save 'em for fuel, Davis. It looks like a hard winter.

(Vash begins to rummage through TK's bag, tossing clothes out.)

Spike: (Begins to undress the extra clothing, same as Duo) Faker, I'm surprised at you!

Duo: Yeah, you shoulda be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger!

(Vash ignores the others, taking out a pair of roller skates. He then pulls out a picture with a silver frame. He smiles, kisses the picture, and then tears off the frame before running out the door.)

Duo: You know, I think he's reforming. He didn't steal the picture.

Spike: Yes, that's the first encouraging sign I've ever seen.

Duo: (Takes off the last of the extra pants he has on) Now I know how it feels to be Gypsy Rose Lee.

Most of Audience: (Whispering) Who?

Mr. Ishida: (Whispers) She was an entertainer.

Ms. Takaishi: (Thinking) That's putting it mildly.

(The phone rings. Spike, who has also finished undressing his extra clothes, answers.)

Spike: Hello? Who wants Benelli? (Faces Benelli) Do you know any policeman?

Duo: Policeman? What's his number? (Takes the receiver) Hello? ...What's that?! But officer, this is the first I hear of this-! (Nods his head a few times) Okie-doke, I'll be right over. (Hangs up) Well, whaddaya know about that? I've just been dispossessed.

Spike: Dispossessed?! From that rattrap?

Duo: (Eyes the typewriter case) I know what I'll do... I'll hock the typewriter!

Spike: (Grabs the typewriter case at the same time as Duo does) Oh no, you don't!

(The two fight over the case and the contents within.)

Duo: You explain it to Davis!

Spike: Never mind Davis, I'm gonna hock it myself!

Matt: (Thinking) Heh, typical Groucho.

Duo: I need it more than you do. The cop wants to give me a ticket because my moose head's blocking the fire pump.

Spike: Wait a minute-!

Duo: (Tears the case free from Spike's grasp) I can't wait! I gotta have it! (Opens the door) If I don't hurry, the cop is gonna dispossess me from the sidewalk! (Exits)

TK: (Exits from the bathroom) That's a nice bathroom. (Sees his clothes scattered on the bed)

Spike: Oh, I had a valet come up and lay out your things.

TK: Thanks. (Goes over to the phone and sits on the couch)

Spike: I'll go down and register for you. If anyone comes looking for me, I'll be back in a few minutes. (Exits)

R80: (Backstage, whispering) Dim most of the lights on the room, then open the curtain the rest of the way and bring up the lights on that side!

(Lights go out in the hotel room as the curtain opens fully to reveal the hotel office. Roger is sitting behind a desk while Gendo Ikari is standing beside him, holding a piece of paper.)

Gendo: $12,000. Gribble, you said this Miller skipped out on you?

Roger: Yes...

Gendo: When did he?

Roger: I... I'm not sure, Mr. Wagner.

Happyman: (Whispering) This feels weird. I'm seeing one of the toughest anime characters intimidated, by Gendo Ikari even.

Wufei: (Whispering) Who wouldn't be intimidated? That guy's the devil incarnate.


Gendo: Gribble, there's just one thing I have to ask you... What in blazes goes on in that head of yours!? The credit limit of this hotel is $4,000.

Roger: But Miller kept stringing me along, day to day... Showing me backers, telegrams. I never expected him to skip. Why, he's nothing but a crook, a deadbeat! If I find him, I'll have him arrested!

Gendo: I'm sorry Gribble. That's not good enough. I'm afraid I'll have to charge you the difference between the limit and the loss, which is exactly $8,000.

Roger: (Stands up) Mr. Wagner, I protest-!

Gendo: Gribble, I was sent here to get this hotel out of the red. If I do, there's a vice-presidency waiting for me... and I won't let anything stop me! We're going up to Room 920 and investigating!

Silencer: (Backstage, thinking) Now to change that office into the hallway of that floor while the curtain's drawn and the scene focuses on the room!

(Lights dim on the office section, and the curtain closes on it. The lights go back up in the hotel room. TK is at the couch, on the telephone.)

TK: Hello, is this the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency? This is Leo Davis of Oswego. ...Yes, I fell behind on my payments for the typewriter, and they turned it over to you for collection. ...Well, if you would send someone over, I'd be only happy to pay off the balance or return the typewriter... I'm staying at the White Way Hotel, room 920. (Hears a knock on the door and turns to it briefly) Come in! (Goes back to the phone as Sakura comes in) ...Yes, thank you. Bye! (Hangs up and turns to see Sakura.)

Sakura: Oh! I'm sorry, I must have the wrong room. I thought this was Mr. Miller's room.

TK: (Stands up) It is. He'll be back in a few minutes. He went to register for me. Uh, whom may I ask was calling?

Sakura: I'm the manager's secretary, Hilda Manney.

TK: I'm Leo Davis, the author.

Sakura: Oh. Well, I'll just drop by later. Nice to have met you. (Turns to leave)

TK: Wait! (Walks over to Sakura) What did you say your name was?

Sakura: Hilda. Hilda Manney.

TK: I know of a Manney up in Oswego, my hometown. Is he a relation?

Sakura: Oscar Manney?

TK: That's him! He used to give me piano lessons.

Sakura: Why, he's my uncle!

TK: Well, whattaya know? Would you mind if we sat and talked for a while?

(They sit down.)

Sakura: Say, since you're the author of the play, maybe you can help me. The reason I came up here was about the play, anyway. You see, it's about an actor. One of the waiters here, actually.

TK: Someone you like?


Sakura: Oh, I think he's wonderful. You see, he was an actor in the Moscow Arts Theater, and I was wondering if he could audition for "Hail and Farewell" as the Polish Miner for Mr. Miller, or maybe even you. He's a middle-aged man, and he's getting very discouraged lately...

TK: I understand. But, I just can't see you with a middle-aged man.

Sakura: (Bursts into laughter) No, no, no! It's nothing like that. He's just a friend, and we both respect that. I'm trying to do him a favor, is all.

TK: (Gives off a goofy grin) My apologies. Say, would it be okay if I see him now? Who knows? I may be discovering a terrific actor.

Sakura: That would be wonderful! I'll take you to him and we'll watch him together.

(As they get up to leave, the curtain reopens again and the lights come up to reveal the floor's hallway. TK and Sakura exit the room and go over to the elevator through the hallway. As they vanish, Gendo and Roger emerge from another elevator door and go into the now empty room as the curtain draws again.

Gendo: No one's here. You say this Davis checked in here without the room being cleaned up?

Roger: It appears so.

Gendo: Gribble, the more I look into this, the more I don't understand. But I do know one thing: there's a screw loose in this hotel, and I'll find it even if I have to lock out everyone in the hotel! You allow this chiseler to check in. And allow him to check in 21 other people. 21 People I can't even find-!

Duo: (Enters, carrying a small suitcase and a large mounted moose head. He sets them down on the couch and Gendo and Roger walk over to him)

Gendo: Are you Davis?

Duo: Huh?

Gendo: Mr. Miller, then?

Duo: Nope, wrong again.

Gendo: (Turns to Roger) Jumping butterballs, they've checked in another one! That makes 22! What kind of people have we in here anyway?! (Is interrupted by the ringing of the phone) I'll get it. I left a message to call me up here if anything else comes up. (Heads for the phone)

Roger: (Looks at the moose head, then at Duo) Say, how did you ever get that through the revolving door?

Audience: (Thinking) I'd be wondering that myself.

Heero: (Thinking) Typical of Duo.

Duo: That was the fun part.

Gendo: (Picks up the receiver) Hello? Wagner speaking. What's that? I'll be right down! (Hangs up and turns for the door) Gribble, you stay here! There are 19 people downstairs in the dining room, and charging it all to Miller! (Opens the door, then faces the other two) Jumping butterballs! (Exits, slamming the door)

Duo: He's mad.

Roger: I don't think we've seen anything just yet. Where's Gordon?! I thought he was skipping!

Duo: He's not the skipper he used to be. We found out we may have a backer, so we changed our plans.

Roger: Yes, and Wagner's charging me $8,000 of Gordon's bill! Me, personally!

Spike: (Rushes in with a smile) Kiss me, Joe! Christine found me a backer!

Roger: (Sits on the bed, dejectedly) Backer, backer, I'm so sick of hearing that word! And who is this Davis that checked in with you?

TK: (Enters on cue) Someone call for me?

Roger: (Stands up) Are you Davis? (Walks over, but is being blocked by Spike)

Spike: Calm down, Joe!

Roger: Have you any money?

TK: Just $67. Are you from the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency-?

Roger: I'm the hotel manager! Davis, Miller owes me $12,000 for staying in this room, and if you move in with him, I'll charge you for half of it!

TK: What kind of a hotel is this?! You move in and you owe $6,000 right away!

Spike: He's just excited-.

Roger: I am not! Gordon, you haven't got a dime, and you never will have! All you ever did was take advantage of me!

(The phone rings. Spike rushes over to answer it.)

Spike: (Picks the receiver up) Hello? This is he. (Smiles) ...Oh, yes, Mr. Jenkins! Come on right up! (Hangs up and turns) Joe, ! We're outta the woods! (Walks over to throw the clothes back into the closet) Now, you go down and tell Wagner that if he doesn't behave himself, I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop. (Quickly) No, that's too good for him! I'll make him a guest!

Roger: You're serious, this time? There's really a backer on his way up now?

Spike: Yes, now gimme fifteen minutes so I can work out the deal and get the dough.

Roger: (Heads for the door) Wagner told me not to leave this room, but I guess this is more important.

Spike: You bet it is!

(Roger exits. TK sits on the bed, unhappy.)

Spike: (Sees TK's expression) Well, what's the matter with you, Oswego?

TK: Just a little disappointed, I guess. You wrote me and said that you were a great manager!

Spike: I am a great manager! A manager never puts his own money into a play.

TK: And you all seemed so nice... I thought I was joining some kind of club.

Duo: Look, this is how it'sa done. Every honest producer has a backer behind him. A manager puts his own money in the play... (Snaps his fingers) right away, you know he's a crook.

(There's a knock on the door.)

Spike: Sssh! (Straightens his tie and adjusts his coat) Money. (Goes to the door and opens it to reveal Char, still wearing his mask and helmet) Mr. Jenkins, I presume?

Char: And you must be Mr. Miller.

Sayla: (Shakes her head and closes her eyes) Big brother...

Char: (Enters) A pleasure to meet you. Miss Marlo has spoken very highly of you.

Spike: Yes, I'm sure. (Points at Duo) This is my treasurer, Mr. Benelli. And that is Mr. Davis, my author.

Char: How do you do, gentlemen? (Shakes hands with Duo and TK)

TK: It's a pleasure, sir! I've never met a real backer before.

Duo: (Clears off the couch to make room) Won't you sit down?

Char: Oh, thank you. (Sits down on the couch and removes his helmet, but not his mask) Now, gentlemen, I represent a man who is interested in investing $1,500,000 into this play of yours.

Duo: Who is he? Do I know him?

Char: You see, there's a young lady involved...

Spike: And she would like a small part?

Char: How did you know?

Spike: (Brushes his hair back with his hand) It came to me in a dream, Mr. Jenkins. Seriously, though, I'm sure we can find a part for her. Of course, it may involve changing a line or two...

TK: I won't change a line of it! Shakespeare didn't change any lines in his play!

Spike: (Low voice) Shakespeare didn't owe $12,000! (Louder voice) Anyway, we could have her play as one of the miners.

TK: But the miners are all men.

Spike: Do me a favor, Davis, and kindly keep sex out of this conversation! I've never produced anything but clean plays!

Tai: (Thinking) Too bad we can't say the same for Robster...

Char: Well, I'll let you make out the necessary papers and we'll meet again at, say, ten thirty tomorrow morning.

Spike: Ten thirty tomorrow at your office?

Char: Why not here?

Spike: You mean, up here?

Char: I'd prefer it, if you don't mind. There's always the risk of publicity.

Spike: ...Very well, we'll be expecting you. You couldn't make it tonight, could you?

Char: No, I'm afraid not. (Stands up and puts his helmet back on) Good day, gentlemen. It's a pleasure to see such energy... (Looks at Duo) and youth. (Exits through the door)

Duo: (Gets up and starts chanting while dancing) We got a backer!

Spike, Duo, TK: (All dancing and chanting with glee) We got a backer! We got a backer...

(Roger enters the room. Spike, Duo, and TK stop and face him.)

Spike: Joe, we're saved!

Duo: We got $1,500,000!

Roger: (Breaks into a smile) That's great!

Spike: I'll have the check by 10:30 tomorrow morning.

Roger: (Smile fades) Couldn't you get a couple thousand on account?

Spike: It would have spoiled everything if I had.

Roger: But we got to have money now! Wagner's furious!

Faye: (Bursts into the room through the door) Gordon, the entire cast is down in the lobby! They've been locked out of their rooms!

Spike: (Faces Roger) He can't do this to me! If I lose my cast, I'll sue him. If I lose my backer, I'll kill him! (Turns to leave, but is stopped by Roger)

Roger: Gordon, don't make this any worse!

Duo: What about the cast? They have to stay someplace.

Spike: What about the ballroom? That should hold them.

Roger: And if Mr. Wagner goes in there?

Duo: They'll start dancing if he does.

Roger: Okay then... (Pulls out a key) Here's the ballroom key.

Faye: I've got it! (Takes the key)

Spike: Tell the cast to do soft shoe dancing.

(Faye exits. TK starts throwing his clothes into his bag.)

TK: I'm getting outta here!

Duo: (Goes over to TK) But you can't leave!

TK: I don't want to lose my clothes, they're all I got! (Sees Gendo enter the room and freezes) Uh-oh!

(Everyone looks at Gendo, who looks at Spike.)

Gendo: Who is this? They check somebody else in?

Roger: No... This is Mr. Miller.

Gendo: So, you didn't skip after all...

Spike: Mr. Wagner, I demand you reopen the rooms on the 19th floor! The occupants are my guests, and I'm responsible for their bill!

Gendo: And who is responsible for yours? Davis?

Duo: I'm responsible for Davis.

Gendo: (Walks over to TK and Duo) And who are you? (Points at TK)

TK: I'm Davis.

Gendo: (Eyes TK's bag filled with clothes, then faces Roger) Gribble, he's skipping right under your very nose!

TK: I am not skipping!

Duo: Sure! We're just bringing some things in.

(Duo and TK start unloading the bag and placing the clothes on the bed. When Gendo turns away to Roger and Spike, however, they start putting the clothes back into the bag.)

Gendo: Miller, your bill is $12,000. Are you going to pay or not? If you give me some money now, you can stay for one more night.

Spike: You'll get your 12,000 tomorrow morning, scout's honor.

Gendo: Tomorrow won't do. I need something today.

Spike: Mr. Wagner, you have an empty theater that you haven't used in over 3 years. This is your chance-.

Gendo: Not interested! I'll give you twenty minutes to pay up or else-.

Spike: I'll be locked out of the hotel?

Gendo: I see you're familiar with hotel procedure. And don't try the old gag of staying in the room. I'll force you out! I'll send up painters, fumigators!

Spike: You should have sent in fumigators weeks ago.

Gendo: Come on, Gribble! (Goes over to the door as Roger exits) I'll pull this hotel out of the red if I have to check into every room myself, by godfrey! (Exits)

TK: ...Now I am gonna lose my clothes.

(Vash soon enters, carrying a folding canopy bed with several pots and pans. He sets them down in front of Spike.)

Duo: What happened?

(Vash looks at Duo and starts to whistle while making several hand gestures)

Duo: (Understanding Vash) No!

(Vash nods and whistles)

Spike: What did he say?

Duo: Howdoya like that? Just because he owes six months rent, they threw him outta his place!

Spike: (Shrugs) Well, sixty dollars is sixty dollars. ...I take it he intends to stay here?

TK: You mean four of us in one room?!

Spike: Ah, that's not counting the painters and fumigators. But let's fight it out, men! We have to keep this room until ten thirty tomorrow or we're doomed!

TK: We'll have to sleep in shifts!

Duo: I'll take the night shift.

Spike: That's fine. You take the night shift, I'll take the day shift, (finishes in a somewhat Scottish accent) and Ay'll be in Scotlan' befor' ye.

TK: (slightly miffed) Is there a tourist camp in the neighborhood? (Heads for the bathroom to get his things)

Spike: Wait a minute! Suppose one of us got sick?

Duo: That's an idea! They can't throw a sick man out! It's against the law!

Spike: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Waldorf, and gall stones at the Plaza.

Duo: Those were the days!

Kei-chan: (Thinking) Spike looks like he could do the same thing...

Spike: You bet. ...But I can't do it. Wagner'll see right through me... Get in that bed, Benelli-!

Duo: That'sa no good! I'm not registered!

Spike: (Looks at Vash) Faker, you get in that bed-!

Duo: That'sa no good, too! He's not registered!

(TK comes out of the bathroom and starts to pack. Spike, Duo, and Vash look at him, then at each other, getting an idea.)

Kei-chan: (Thinking) Why are they looking at TK like that... uh-oh!

(Kari is giggling at what she knows will happen, having read the script. Spike, Vash, and Duo surround TK.)

Spike: Davis, what's wrong with you?

Duo: Yeah, you look terrible.

TK: (Clueless) I feel fine.

Spike: No, you don't!

(The three grab TK and start to tear his coat and shirt off. The DD are all laughing at this the loudest.)

TK: (Struggling to free himself) What's the idea-?!

Spike: You gotta play sick!

TK: But I'm in perfect health! (Is tossed onto the second bed, shirtless)

Spike: No, you have a contagious disease!

Duo: Yeah, the measles! (Goes for TK's pants.)

*First one to make a hentai crack about this gets a knuckle sandwich!*

TK: I've had the measles!

Spike: It's a relapse! Faker, get the iodine!

(Vash dashes into the bathroom as Duo removes TK's pants, revealing his boxers. Some of the girls in the audience are either laughing, like Kari, or covering their eyes until TK is tossed under the bed covers.)

TK: Can't I at least have a disease with my clothes on?!

(Vash comes back with a small bottle of iodine and a pasta strainer. Duo holds TK down and puts a hot water bottle on his head while Spike makes a quick sign that says "Measles." Vash pours the iodine into his mouth, then puts the strainer to his face and starts to spit the iodine onto TK's face and upper body. When he's finished, TK looks like he has the measles.)

Duo: That'sa beautiful! (To Vash) You're a second Michelangelo!

(Spike goes out into the hall to hang up the sign on the room's door. He sees Gendo, Ginyu, Burter, and Recoome exiting the elevator, and he dashes back inside the room to the bed.)

Spike: Here comes trouble! (Hold's TK's right wrist and looks at his watch, pretending to take his pulse)

Gendo: (In the hall) They're in room 920, and I want them out right now!

Ginyu: Leave it to us!

(They got to the door, and all but Gendo see the measles sign. They begin to back away slowly)

Recoome: Not me, boss!



Burter: Me, neither!

Ginyu: Same here! (Follows his friends' lead and makes for the elevator)

Gendo: (Confused) What the-? (Sees the sign, then turns to the audience, frustrated) Jumping butterballs!

(Curtains close to the laughs and applause. Gotsumon steps out from the curtains.)

Gotsumon: This ends Act I. We'll break for about 20 minutes before resuming. Feel free to stand up, stretch, and go get refreshments, but remember no food or drinks in the theater, no smoking, and no going backstage, please!

Trio: This is getting interesting!

Happyman: Remind me to ask Robster to borrow the film.

Tai: It's on VHS, Happyman. He'll let you know when the DVD comes out, if ever.

Happyman: Oh drat!


Backstage...

Vash: (Scrubbing his mouth clean) That iodine tastes terrible!

Wolfwood: It added humor, though.

TK: (Is dressed again save for the top, and is scrubbing his face) What are you complaining about? I nearly got some in my eyes! (Faces R80) Did they have to see me in my boxers?

R80: Would you rather the audience see you without them, or with the boxers with Kari's name and pictures on them?

TK: I'll shut up.



To Be Continued...


Author's notes: R&R please! Lemme know how I'm doing so far! PS, thanks to BGCrisis for the boxers gag.