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[ P - Pre-Teen ]

ROOM SERVICE - ANIME STYLE
Act 3

By Robster80



(Backstage, everybody is gearing up for the final act. Vash and Silencer are checking the machinery to make sure nothing goes wrong, while Arch is finishing getting into his costume.)

Arch: (To R80) How do I look?

R80: Like a bank agent.

Arch: Perfect!

(Exedore comes running up to the two.)

Exedore: It seems we have one more problem.

Arch: Let me guess... Ryoga's back?

Exedore: Nothing so trivial. It's Miss Sakura. She's... come down with laryngitis. Her voice is gone.

R80: (Smiles) No worries. (To Goku) Hey, porcupine! C'mere!

(Goku comes up to R80, who whispers in his ear. Goku then nods, and leaves.)

Arch: Who you got to be Sakura's understudy?

R80: Now you oughta know better than that!

Spike's voice: We're about ready for the last act!

R80: Okay, then! We need a few more minutes for Sakura's understudy to get dressed, and then we go on!

Arch: ...I wonder where Ryoga is right now?

R80: So do I, 'cause now I owe money to Digifan316 since he beat Ryoga would get lost before he had to come on. I'll murder him when and if he shows up here again! TK, Spike, Vash, Duo, come over here...


Minutes later...


(The curtain goes up to reveal the bridal suite, where Roger sits in a chair while Spike stands in front of a mirror. Spike is in a tuxedo, minus the jacket, and is tying his bowtie.)

Spike: Well, Joe, in about 30 minutes, our fortunes will be made. Your 10 percent of the show will make you a rich man. Maybe you and Flossy can get a bridal suite, too.

Roger: I certainly hope so. That waiter looks great in his part. How'd you think of casting him?

Spike: *Finishes with his tie* Sasha? The minute I laid eyes on hi, I figured he was a great actor. I can spot 'em a mile away, especially if I'm hungry.

(A knock is heard from the door.)

Spike: Come in!

(Enter Arch, holding a receipt.)

Arch: There you are, Mr. Wagner. They told me you was up here.

Roger: *Looks at Roger suspiciously* "Mr. Wagner?"

Arch: *Holds receipt out to Spike* Would you mind signing this receipt again?

Spike: Er, not right now. Come back later.

Arch: But the bank clerk rejected your signature.

Roger: *Stands up* This man is NOT Mr. Wagner! Let me see that receipt, I'm the hotel manager. *Takes the receipt*

Arch: Not Mr. Wagner? No wonder that signature's no good.

Roger: *Reads the receipt, and pales* Good heavens!

Spike: It's just as big a blow to me, Joe-.

Roger: The check. It bounced!

Arch: I walks into your office this morning, and this uy claims to be Mr. Wagner and signs the receipt.

Spike: *Ushers Arch towards the door* Look, you go back to the bank and tell them Mr. Wagner can't be reached!

Arch: But his signature-!

Spike: Come back in the morning! *Slams the door shut after throwing Arch out*

Roger: *Slowly sits back down, hiding the receipt* 1.5 million dollars...

Spike: Now don't get panicky, Joe! Pull yourself together. And, for Pete's sake, don't tell Wagner!!

(As if on cue, Gendo enters with a smile on his face, carrying a bottle of champagne in one hand and a wreath with the label "success" in the other.)

Gendo: I was saving my little surprise for now. *Sets the wreath down on the nearby sofa.*

Spike: Why Wagner. I'm overwhelmed.

Gendo: Well, you're a guest in good standards now. Of course, you still owe us a little bill. *Starts laughing.* Well, shall we begin the celebration?

Spike: Not just yet. I need to freshen up a little. *Exits to the bathroom.*

Gendo: *Opens the champagne* Well, Gribble, despite how I really feel about that chiseler, I think this was a good gesture. Say, you're looking pale tonight.

Roger: I... I just don't feel very well.

Gendo: Must've been that fish we had for dinner. The food in this hotel isn't worth the price of a sandwich. Say, imagine a shrewd business manager like Fisk putting his stock in a piece of cheese. *Starts laughing.*

Roger: *Looks paler, nearly bursts into tears.*

Gendo: *Is about to ask Roger what's wrong when the phone rings. Goes over and answers it.* Hello, Wagner speaking. Who is it? Sure, put him on. *To Roger.* It's a clerk from my bank. *Back to phone.* Hello. Yes, this is Mr. Wagner. ...Verify what signature? Hold on... *To Roger.* Did you sign my name to a receipt earlier today?

Roger: Why, uh, no.

Gendo: Seems some check came back. Probably some mistake.

Roger: *Gets up quickly.* I have to get a headache powder. *Exits quickly.*

Gendo: *Goes back to the phone.* I'll take this up with my bookkeeper, I assure you-! What's that? Zachery Fiske?! Did you investigate? HE STOPPED IT?!?! *Puts a hand over the mouthpiece of the phone as he starts to whine.* NO! Nononononononononono! *Back to phone.* In the morning, in the morning... *Hangs up.* In the mor-hor-horning!

(At that, Spike can be heard singing from the bathroom. Gendo starts charging for the bathroom door, but then stops himself, getting a idea. He sneaks back to the phone and quietly calls for someone. As he hangs up, Duo walks in, wearing a light-colored suit and hat.)

Duo: You know what, Wagner? You're-a lucky man. You're in-a the hotel business. No worries at all. You just sit back, and let the dough roll in.

Spike: *Exits form the bathroom, fully dressed in a tuxedo.* Well, Brother Wagner, let's start the champagne flow! *Pours a glass for himself and then for Duo.* I hope you don't mind if Benelli joins us?

Gendo: *With a devilish smile.* Ohh no! In fact I insist. But I intend t make it a REAL party. I just need to step out for a little bit, though. *Heads for the door.* Now don't go away. *Exits.*

Duo: I'd lie to get-a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great alongside-a my moose.

TK: *Enters wearing a tuxedo and a fedora.* So what's the big surprise? I just saw Mr. Wagner out in the hallway, and he insisted I come in and have a drink. He's gone down to get Faker, too. He said he had a big surprise for the four of us. I always thought they celebrated after the premiere, not before.

Spike: *Hands a glass to TK.* In this case, you celebrate before. It's awfully hard to celebrate when you're running from an audience who wants their money back.

(The phone suddenly rings, and Duo answers it.)

Duo: Hello? *Looks at Spike.* It's Gribble.

Spike: *Takes the phone.* Yes, Joe? ...What's the matter? Who told him?! Joe? Joe!! *Slowly hangs up, then sits down with his head resting in his hand.*

Duo: Wagner found out?

Spike: They called him from the bank.

TK: What's he gonna do?

Spike: Joe couldn't talk.

TK: I don't see why you're so upset about this. Mr. wagner was bound to find out sooner or later. There's nothing he can do about it now. I'm going down and face him! *Heads for the door.*

Spike: Maybe the kid's right. Come on!

(Spike and Duo make for the door, which TK has already gone out, but they stop when they hear voices.)

Ginyu's voice: Hey, you! You're not allowed to leave that room!

TK's voice: You can't keep me in there!

Ginyu's voice: Oh, can't we?

Duo: The house detectives!

(Ginyu and Burter shove TK back into the room.)

Ginyu: And you guys stay in there!

TK: You can't do this to me! I'm the author!

Burter: *Tosses TK his hat.* Here's your hat! *Exits with Ginyu, closing the door.*

Spike: Oh, what's the use? I give up. *Goes over to the sofa and sits next to the wreath.* I've got actors in their dressing rooms, scenery on the stage, and I gotta sit up in a hotel room, waiting to be arrested.

TK: *Sits in an easychair.* Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested for writing a play.

Duo: *Check his watch.* Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.

Spike: *Tears off the "success" banner from the wreath before checking his watch.* 19 minutes.

TK: Hilda and I were gonna be married right after the show.

Duo: Congratulations.

TK: I suppose they'll take our fingerprints.

Duo: They got mine.

TK: You've been in prison before?

Duo: Sure, it's not so bad. You behave yourself, they make you a trustee. You know, if we had some money, we could bribe those house detectives.

Spike: *Smiling weakly.* Maybe the hotel will advance us some.

(The door opens and Vash is pushed into the room. He's wearing an old miner's costume, with a cap that has a mini-torch, lit, and a cape.

Burter: And stay in there! *Exits.*

(Vash motions his arm like he's about to strike at Burter, though he's gone.)

Spike: Well, the quartet's complete. What do we do now, sing "Sweet Adeline?"

Vash: *Nods eager before going over to start drinking the champagne out of the bottle.*

Duo: Hey, I know what we can do! We'll turn in the fire alarm. We start a riot and slip out in the confusion.

Vash: *Gets an idea, then goes over to the nearby wastebasket and turns it over, emptying the many papers in it.

Spike: We can't have an alarm without a fire.

Duo: Okay, then we'll start a fire.

Vash: *One step ahead, he gathers the paper together before using his cap's torch to light a fire. He then sits on the upside-down basket in front of his growing fire, smiling at his work.*

TK: FAKER, NO!

(TK and Duo rush over and start stomping out the fire. Vash starts to whistle a tune while clapping his hands in rhythm. Spike turns from his seat to watch as the two finish putting out the fire.)

Spike: Well, even with the fire, we still have 15 minutes before the opening. Anymore bright ideas, Benelli?

Duo: ...How about the window?

(Vash rushes to the window and look out of it.)

Duo: How high up are we?

Vash: *Lets out a whistle that sounds like "wow" before putting his hand up over his head, which puts his hand over the flame on his cap, burning it.*

Duo: No, that's too high. *Goes back over to the sofa while TK leans over the fireplace.* There must be an easier way of killing yourself.

TK: I once killed myself. *Gets a look from Spike.* I mean that was my initiation into the fraternity. They made me do a phony suicide. I scared my chemistry professor stiff.

Spike: Really? This chemistry professor really thought you'd committed suicide?

TK: Yeah. He was gonna send for an ambulance.

(A few seconds later, TK and Spike both begin to smile before looking at each other. They get the same idea. TK starts to point at Spike s if he's about to speak, but Spike points back at him.)

Spike: That's just what I was thinking!

Duo: You mean-?

Spike: Sure! He drinks a bottle of poison, we have to rush him to the hospital. The house detectives have to let us through.

Duo: Yeah, but we ain't got-a three chemistry professors standing out there.

Spike: We'll make it look authentic! Faker, you help Davis! He starts screaming, we rush in, and there you are.

Duo: Dead as a herring!

TK: No, not dead. Just dying.

Spike: Exactly. You're still alive, you're in great danger.

TK: And then we get past the guards, sneak into the theater, and see the show!

Spike: Yes!

TK: You wouldn't think I came from Oswego five days ago.

Spike: Okay, you and Faker get into that bathroom while we go out and start yelling. And remember, count up to fifty before you start dying.

TK: I know what to do! *Exits into the bathroom with Vash.*

(Suddenly, Gendo walks on followed by Roger.)

Gendo: Well, how do you like my surprise? In about 20 minutes when the show is in full swing, the sheriff will come and take every bit of scenery off the stage! Right in view of the audience!

Spike: Wagner-!

Gendo: And now you'll have the pleasure of hearing me call my lawyer who'll contact the police! *Goes for the phone.*

Spike: Mr. Wagner, please-!

(Groans start coming from the bathroom, along with whistling for help.)

Gendo: What's that? *Points at the bathroom door.* Who's in there? *Opens the door.* Good heavens! *Rushes in, followed by Roger. They pull out a groaning TK who's clutching a bottle of poison and has a black liquid trailing down his chin. Vash comes out and stands next to Spike and Duo.*

Roger: It's a suicide!

Gendo: He drank a whole bottle of poison!

TK: Ooooh... *Looks at Gendo.* You, you drove me to it! Oooooh!

(Spike, Duo, and Vash exchange looks of amazement at TK's performance. Then they follow as Gendo and Roger carry TK over to and lay him on the bed.)

Gendo: It'll be all right, Davis! *Faces Spike.* Why didn't you stop him?!

Spike: I didn't take him seriously when he said you were driving him to suicide. I suppose I'll have to testify that at the inquest.

Gendo: *Pales before turning to face Roger.* Well, don't just stand there, get that house doctor up here!

Roger: He resigned, should I call for an ambulance?

Gendo: No, you blockhead; that means publicity!

Duo: *Stands beside the bed while Vash is on the other side, moving TK's arm like a pump.* He's going fast.

Gendo: *Now really worried.* No, wait! No, wait, wait, wait-! *Gets an idea.* An antidote! Gribble, run down to the drug store for an antidote! And send those detectives away! *Turns back as Roger exits.*

Duo: He's turning blue!

Gendo: Oh, we must do something! Miller, you work on him. Don't let him die! JUMPING BUTTERBALLS! *Rushes out the door.*

TK: *Stops groaning and sits up before jumping off the bed and onto his feet.* Now we can sneak out and see the show.

Duo: But the minute he finds out you're not dying, he'll send for the sheriff and stop the show!

Spike: Davis, there's only one thing left to do: You'll have to stay up here and keep on dying for 2 1/2 hours.

TK: What?!

Spike: Till the show's over.

TK: But I wanna see the show!

Spike: There won't be one if Wagner finds out you're not dying!

TK: I dunno if I can keep it up for 2 1/2 hours, I've never done it before.

Spike: We'll help you.

(Kari suddenly rushes in, wearing a white dress similar to Hitomi's from "Escaflowne the TV series.")

Kari: LEO! *Hugs TK.* Oh, Leo! Mr. Gribble said you were dying.

TK: It's only a plot, darling. I'm all right.

Spike: Hilda, we're in a jam. We have to pretend that Davis is dying or else Wagner'll close the show.

Kari: Oh, I'm beginning to understand.

Spike: You go downstairs and watch the show, and come back up if there's any trouble.

Kari: It's just like a play, isn't it? *To TK.* Alright, darling, and if I don't come back up, then you'll know it's good news. *Exits.*

Spike: And if you do come back, bring four bottles of poison.

Duo: *Leads TK back to the bed.* Just act sick! Groan, grunt, stagger about! Move a little, but not too much. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock!

TK: Don't you worry; I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!

Spike: That's the spirit!

(Gendo and Roger's voices are heard from offstage.)

Spike: *Shakes TK's hand.* Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!

(TK immediately falls onto the bed, eyes closed. Gendo and Roger burst in, carrying cartons of eggs, bottles of milk and antidote, and empty glasses.)

Gendo: Nobody's ever committed suicide in this hotel before, and nobody ever will as long as I have my say! *Pours a glass of antidote.* Miller, give Davis this antidote, and give him plenty!

(The lights dim as Roger and Gendo mix eggs with milk in glasses while Vash, Spike, and Duo force TK to drink the antidote. Minutes later, the lights come up to show a quiet scene. Gendo and Roger are sitting near a small table that's loaded with empty milk bottles, egg cartons, and used glasses. Duo, Vash, and Spike are standing near the bed TK is lying on.)

Spike: *Whispers to TK.* Can't you groan anymore?

TK: *Whispers.* If I groan once more, that antidote you gave me will come up and spoil the whole show.

Spike: In that case, consider yourself dead.

(TK nods before giving a "last breath.")

Duo: *To Gendo.* He's dying.

Spike: It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.

Gendo: What a horrible end!

Roger: So young.

Duo: All he said was "mother."

Gendo: *Pales.*

Spike: Downstairs, they've barely begun your immortal second act, Davis. While up here, you've finished your last act. Too soon. Too soon! He died too soon.

Duo: *Nods.* An hour too soon. *Gets a look from Spike that says "watch it!"*

Roger: I'll never forgive myself for this!

Gendo: *Stands up.* Now don't take it so hard.

Roger: We should have sent for an outside doctor!

Gendo: But he kept recovering! And dying! And recovering again! It all happened so suddenly!

Spike: Yes, too darn suddenly.

Gendo: Every time we gave him the antidote, he seemed to get better. Maybe we should have given him more of it?

Spike: I think we gave him too much.

Roger: *Stands.* If we could only bring him back...

Gendo: An hour ago, we were at each other's throats, and now... *Just shakes his head.* You know, this sort of thing makes you realize.

Roger: Yes it does.

Gendo: You struggle for money! But what good is it? ...It's too bad he didn't die at the Plaza.

Spike: You mean it's bad for the hotel?

Gendo: Well, it isn't good! There's bound to be a scandal.

Duo: Goodbye, Leo. *Starts to pull up the bed cover over TK, with help from Spike and Vash.*

Spike: Good night, sweet prince.

Gendo: Well, we all gotta go sometime. ...I guess I should notify the police.

Spike: It that really necessary?!

Gendo: It's the law. *Goes for the phone, but is stopped by Spike.*

Spike: But what if the body wasn't found in the hotel proper?

Gendo: Naturally, that would help us.

Duo: We could dump him in the alley.

Gendo: NO, NO, NO!

Roger: How can you be so sacrilegious?!

Spike: I got it! We take him down the service elevator.

Duo: And lug him in the back way.

Spike: We dump him in a back seat.

Duo: And there we have it!

Spike: The author saw his own play and took poison!

Duo: And instead of a suicide, you'd have a mystery.

Gendo: No, I... I won't do anything against the law. I've got to notify the police.

Spike: Wait one moment, Wagner! Before you call to have him taken away, we'd like to say a few last words to him.

Duo: That's the least we could do.

Gendo: ...Oh, all right.

(The group gathers around the bed.)

Spike: My friends, my heart is too full to say what I really think. Davis is no longer with us. He was a great playwright who died too soon.

Gendo: Yes. Well-.

(Gendo goes for the phone again, but Vash whistles suddenly before dashing off stage to the next room to get the wreath and place it over the bed.)

Duo: E pluribus unum.

Spike: Amen.

(Gendo goes for the phone once more, only to be stopped by Spike's singing.)

Spike: "Swing low, sweet char-iot"

Spike & Duo: "Comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."

Vash: *Pulls out a harmonica and joins along in the song.*

Spike & Duo: "Swing low, sweet char-iot, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome." *Are joined by Gendo and Roger.* "If you get there before I do-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."

Tenchi: *Rushes in and stands by the door.* He's not in the county hospital!

(Spike, Duo, and Vash hold up their right arms in salute as they begin the last verse, causing Tenchi to return the salute and then rush off stage.)

Spike, Duo, Gendo and Roger: "Hello, my friends, I'm coming, too-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."

(Vash, beginning to cry silently, walks out the doors and offstage.)

Roger: Shall I phone for the police now, Wagner?

Gendo: No. I'll do it. This whole thing is my responsibility. You go down stairs, I'll meet you later.

Roger: All right, Wagner. *Exits.*

Gendo: *Goes once more to the phone, and is stopped once more by Spike.*

Spike: Please! That's the same phone he used to call up his mother in Oswego. Only an hour ago.

Gendo: Very well. *Heads for the door to the hall.* Now remember, I don't feel responsible for his death. I never knowingly hurt anybody in my life! *Opens the door only to see Vash standing there, with a fake knife in his chest, pinning a note to him as he turns and falls over onto his back, pretending to be dead.* AAHH!!!

Spike: *Comes over and reads the note.* "Wagner drove me to my death, just as he drove Leo Davis." Wagner, we've got to dispose of this body!

Duo: Maybe we could sell it to some medical students?

Gendo: *Pales again while groaning.*

Spike: *Glaring at Duo.* Not with conditions the way they are! Wagner, let's get him out of here!

Gendo: I can't! That note, that dagger! *Turns away.*

Spike: I'll dispose of the dagger! *Reaches down, but Vash quickly takes the fake dagger and note and stuffs them in his pocket while Gendo isn't looking.* Okay, it's gone.

Gendo: *Reaches down to grab Vash's arm, but then recoils.* Aaah! The body's not cold yet!

Duo: I'll fix that. *Goes to the phone.* Room service? Send up enough ice to cool a warm body.

(Gendo and Spike carry out Vash through the door offstage. The scene quickly changes to an alleyway behind the hotel and theatre. Spike and Gendo carry out Vash and sit him on one of the trashcans. Jet, wearing a police uniform, sees them and heads over to them.)

Jet: Well, your show's going great, Mr. Miller.

Spike: Thank you.

Jet: *Points at Vash.* What have you got there?

Spike: One of my actors. I need him for the next act, and he's passed out from all the excitement.

Jet: You'd think he was dead. *Notices Gendo looking very pale.* Your friends seems like he's had a snootful, too.

Spike: Yes, but he'll get over it. Come on, Wagner!

(Again, Gendo and Spike exit as the scene changes. They reappear in the theatre, where Goku, Gennoa, Faye, and several other men in costume are on the stage. Kari and TK are seated in one balcony near the entrance, where Gendo and Spike enter and where Jinnai is standing, holding programs.)

Jinnai: Evening, Mr. Miller. *Hands Spike a program.*

Spike: How's the show?

Jinnai: It's a terrific hit, sir.

Goku: ...For this, Washington and Lincoln lived! And though I speak to you with a foreign accent, still I speak, for a newer, and freer America!

Gennoa: *Holds out his hand to Goku.* You win!

(Taped applause begins to play as Gennoa and Goku shake hands. Kari and Tk also applaud.)

Spike: *Smiling.* They're eating it up.

Gendo: What about the other dead man?

Spike: With a hit like this, we'll give him the biggest funeral this town has ever had.

TK: Author! Author!

Kari: *Stops TK.* Wait! It isn't finished yet.

Goku: But, we could not have won, if not for our late comrade, who gave his life so that we could win. Bring the body, and let us pay a last moment of rememberance.

(Burter and Ginyu, in miner's costumes, carry out Vash on a stretcher, again having the fake knife in his chest. Everyone begins singing "Swing Low, Swet Chariot" again while Gendo pales at the sight of Vash on stage, still thinking he's dead. Roger, Duo, and TK join Spike and Gendo.)

TK: *To Wagner.* It's going great guns, isn't it, Mr. Wagner?

Gendo: *Pulls a doubletake on TK and then faints. He is then held up at a sitting position by Duo and Spike as they, Roger and TK join in the song.*

All (But Gendo): "If you get there before I do-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."

Spike: Yeah, man!

All (But Gendo): "Hello, my friends, I'm coming, too-o,"

Spike: Sure 'nough!

All (But Gendo): *As the curtain closes.* "Comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."

(The audience begins to clap as the curtain reopens for the curtain call. Ginyu, Gennoa, Burter, Recoome, Arch and Jinnai come out and bow first, together. Char, Exedore and Tenchi come out and bow together. Gendo, Goku and Roger come out and bow next, followed by Faye, Sakura and Kari. Sakura gives Kari a hug before TK walks out and bows, getting loud cheers from his family and the Digi-Destined as well as Vegeta. Vash comes out next and gets louder cheers as he bows and blows kisses out to the crowd.)

Wolfwood: *Backstage.* Looks like I lost the bet.

Silencer: There's a first time for everything.

(Duo comes out and bows as the GW boys and Hilde cheer for him. Finally, Spike comes out and get cheered on as he takes a bow, smoking a cigarette. Everyone then bows before Gendo goes backstage and pulls out R80 onto the stage to receive louder cheers, from both the audience and the cast.)

R80: *Blushes.* I won't talk until I see my lawyer!

(The crowd laughs, until a small section of the stage blows up and Ryoga appears, lost as usual.)

Ryoga: Quick, which way to R80's theater? I'm late for a performance!

R80: Too late, hamhead! You missed it, so I had to have Arch fill in for you. And once again, you wrecked my property!

Ryoga: Um, sorry?

R80: Too late for that. Boys, get him!

(Burter, Ginyu, Recoome, Goku and Spike jump Ryoga and start to pummel him. Suddenly, Aeyka and Ryoko come out of the hole. Tenchi, unnoticed by them, takes one look and dashes backstage for the exit.)

Aeyka & Ryoko: (Lord) Tenchi!!

Happyman: I think we'd better get going.

Nancy: Good idea.

(The audience starts to quickly head for the exits as Arch and R80 start fighting Ryoko and Aeyka.)

Silencer: *Looks at the reader.* Well, looks like my hand in this is over. And since R80's busy at the moment, it's up to me to say goodbye to you all. So... "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"