Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Bleach Ficlets: Dare To Live ❯ 29 Reflections & Realizations ( Chapter 29 )

Authors Note: I don't own Bleach and make no claims on it. If I did, there'd be a whole hell of a lot of kinky shit going down.

 

29 Reflections & Realizations

 

I still couldn't believe that I'd let that asshole see me like that. I was okay with Zangetsu seeing me as an emotional mess. He wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it. At least, not when it came to my private emotions. Zangetsu was good about keeping things like that to himself. Shirosaki was a whole different story. I still couldn't figure out why Zangetsu insisted that I pull Shirosaki through the mirror that night. Fine, I had felt better after a while of being sandwiched between the two of them but, that wasn't the point.

 

I'd been avoiding Shirosaki as much as possible `cause I didn't want to hear whatever shit he was gonna spout. That'd been bad timing all the way around when Ishida decided to break off our… whatever we had with each other on that particular day. To be fair, Ishida hadn't known how bad his timing was when he decided to break up because I hadn't bothered to say anything to him about that day. Looking back on it, I guess I should've said something to him. I mean, we were sleeping with each other and if I trusted him enough to let him get that close to me, I should've trusted him enough to have told him that it was coming up on the anniversary of my mom's death. It's not like the date was a big secret or anything. I guess I still think that if I don't acknowledge it, the day won't bother me as much even when I know, deep down, that's not true.

 

I couldn't exactly call us boyfriends because that wasn't quite right but, it'd been more than just fuck buddies. I think Ishida thought that's what I thought we had. He should've known that I didn't do fuck buddies. How the hell could I when I'd have to let someone get really close and tell them shit about Zangetsu and Shirosaki so they wouldn't freak out if I suddenly went Hollow in the middle of sex or something? Not many people could hear that kinda thing and not look at me like I'd just escaped from the loony bin.

 

I couldn't really be mad at Ishida though. He was pretty up-front with me when he told me the reason he couldn't sleep with me anymore. He was right when he said that even though we got as close as two people could physically, I wasn't giving him the closeness he needed emotionally. If he'd said it was a closeness he wanted I mighta argued with him to keep having sex `cause the sex was damn good. But no, he had to say he needed emotional closeness. Going by what he'd told me about his dad and the fucked up relationship they had, I could see why he said it was a need. My dad might drive me crazy and be uber dork but I knew he loved me and would always be there for me no matter what. Ishida didn't have that and, right now, I couldn't give him that either. I knew I couldn't give him what he needed but it still made me feel like I'd failed him somehow.

 

I sighed and fell to my back on my bed.

 

At least he still wanted to stay friends. I hadn't had the chance to really talk to him since we'd sorta broken up. I don't think we were avoiding each other. We just hadn't crossed paths aside from school and the odd Hollow fight. Neither place was right for having that first conversation after breaking up when nobody really knew we'd been seeing each other in the first place. I pulled out my cell phone and was about to hit Ishida's number when a loud bang on my mirror sounded and Zangetsu appeared in front of me. Shirosaki scowled at me from the other side of the mirror, wind whipping his coat around his legs.

 

“Bring him here, Ichigo. It's not raining there yet and a dry, wind-blown Shirosaki is much easier to deal with than a wet, sulking one,” Zangetsu said softly, tugging me from my bed and giving me a little push towards the mirror.

 

“If I leave him there, I don't have to deal with him at all. I don't want to hear any of his crap,” I said with a frown.

 

Zangetsu sighed softly and I hunched my shoulders. I hated it when he did that. He didn't say anything but I always felt like I'd somehow disappointed him when he sighed like that. I muttered under my breath about control freak swords and asshole Hollows running my life but moved to the mirror anyway. My hand slapped the glass and Shirosaki threaded his fingers with mine, stepping through the mirror quickly.

 

“`Bout fucking time. That wind is bitchin' cold. Another couple of minutes and I'd gotten soaked when it started to rain. What the hell is your problem now?”

 

“I can shove you back through that mirror, you know. You're only here `cause Zangetsu said to bring you over not `cause I want to deal with you,” I snapped at Shirosaki.

 

“Keep your panties on. I was just saying something was bugging you and I wanted to know what. Shit that bothers you bothers me and Zangetsu, too. That makes it all our problem,” Shirosaki snorted as he flopped down on my bed. “And you call me a dick head.”

 

I blinked in surprise at Shirosaki. That was the last thing I expected him to say. I'd been waiting for him to start ragging on me about acting like a girl and crying the last time he'd seen me. Not that long ago he'd have jumped all over that incident and never let me live it down. This was freaking me out a little. I shot a look at Zangetsu and caught a tiny pleased smile on his face. What the hell? I narrowed my eyes at Zangetsu.

 

“What's up with him? Did you beat some sense into his thick skull or something?” I asked suspiciously.

 

“Hey! Laying right here,” Shirosaki said in an offended tone as he pushed himself up on his elbows.

 

“No, Ichigo. I simply explained to him in a way that he'd understand that you were upset before because you had something very important taken away from you and you could never get it back. Further careful observation told me that your Quincy also broke things off with you on the anniversary of the same day that you lost what you treasured.”

 

I opened my mouth to say… something before closing it without saying a damn word. Zangetsu always seemed to know stuff. I guess it made sense considering the fact that he lived in my head. Although, it did make me wonder a little why Shirosaki didn't seemed clued in on that shit, too. Actually, I kinda liked that fact that he didn't know all the things that Zangetsu did. Shirosaki didn't need any more of an edge than he already had.

 

“I ain't gonna yank your chain over how messed up you were that day, Ichigo. Sure, I can be an asshole and I like to see you go ballistic over the small stuff `cause I think it's funny and sometimes… okay, a lot of the time, it makes me horny to see you blow a fuse. But, I won't mess with you over the big, important shit.”

 

“Why not?” I asked folding my arms across my chest. A reasonable Shirosaki was really freaking me the hell out. I wondered if that was his plan.

 

“Because we're connected, Ichigo. We want what you want and ultimately, what hurts you hurts us,” Zangetsu explained patiently.

 

I thought about it and that did make sense, sorta. So far, Zangetsu hadn't been wrong about anything and I trusted him. Zangetsu also seemed to be tuned into my moods, showing up just when I needed him. Shirosaki did that sometimes, too. Usually when I was half-way to dead but, he still showed up to save my bacon when it counted.

 

“And Zangetsu said that if I was nicer to you and behaved myself, I'd have an easier time getting into your pants and nailing your ass,” Shirosaki leered as he spread his legs and slipped a hand inside his coat to fondle his nipple.

 

My eyebrows shot up in surprise before I snorted with laughter. Zangetsu sighed heavily and shook his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose and I heard him mumble the word idiot. Shirosaki caught my eye, darted his gaze to Zangetsu, licked his lips and nodded his head at me. Whatever he was hinting at didn't have a chance to get put into motion. Zangetsu raised his head and pushed me towards the bed. He nudged Shirosaki over and sat down, leaning his back against the wall. He pulled me to sit between his legs, my back to his chest and dragged Shirosaki between my legs with a strong grip on the back of his coat to lie on his stomach, his head resting on my belly.

 

“Hey, this is a good position to start with,” Shirosaki said with a grin as he pushed my shirt up and began pressing wet, nipping kisses to my belly.

 

Zangetsu threaded his fingers through Shirosaki's hair and tugged his head up. Annoyance flared in Shirosaki's eyes at the same time that desire spiked through them. Shirosaki wriggled against me and whined in pleasure at Zangetsu's rough hold. My cock started to harden and Shirosaki smirked at me, feeling the pressure of my dick against his chest.

 

“Ichigo was feeling a little down and we're here to offer support and make him feel better. We're not here for sex,” Zangetsu said in a firm voice.

 

“But sex would make us all feel better,” Shirosaki said in a low voice, his fingers creeping under my shirt to tease my nipples.

 

As fun as it probably would have been, I didn't want sex right that moment no matter what my cock was telling me. I still felt really bad that I'd failed Ishida. I should have been able to give him what he needed but the idea of being so open with someone who could easily end up dead in the next Hollow attack made my stomach clench. I guess I wasn't ready for that kind of thing yet. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready for something like that. A soft sigh escaped me and I tugged Shirosaki's hands away from my nipples before tangling one of my hands in his hair along with Zangetsu's. Shirosaki first made an annoyed sound in his throat before a pleased hum vibrated from him at the feel of our hands combing through his hair. His arms wrapped around me and Zangetsu and he rested his head back on my belly. Zangetsu's arms came around me and he propped his chin on my shoulder. Zangetsu was right. He was always right. Uncomplicated support was what I needed and what I was getting right now. It felt damn good.

 

“I still say sex would be better but I guess this'll do for now. We can always do the sex later, right? Just don't mess up my do and make me look retarded,” Shirosaki mumbled against the bare skin of my belly.

 

I snorted. As if. I didn't need to do anything to make him look retarded. He could do that all by himself. But, I was starting to feel better and more relaxed surrounded by Zangetsu and Shirosaki's warmth. Even if I was a little fucked up in the head when it came to being open with relationship type stuff, I knew I didn't have to be bothered about that shit with them. Zangetsu and Shirosaki were a part of me and I knew I'd never have to worry about them leaving me. I felt safe with them even if Shirosaki, the asshole, was always trying to take me over.

 

I closed my eyes and let myself drift mentally, a small smile slowly forming on my face. Yeah, we could do the sex later. Maybe after I worked up the nerve to call Ishida and say I was sorry for not being able to give him what he needed but thanks for still wanting to be my friend.