Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Daydreams Come True ❯ Kira Izuru ( Chapter 30 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach. I just borrowed the characters.

 

 

Kira Izuru

 

The rhythmic pounding was soothing to his nerves. It blocked out all other sound and thought aside from the noise and the stretch and strain it took from his muscles. The weight of the chair in his hand seemed negligible as he pounded the wall once again, hearing the splintering of the wood, feeling shards cut into his uninjured arm and hand. It would have been easier if one arm wasn't bound, but that didn't matter. The chair dented and scratched the walls as he fought against the despair that threatened to overtake him once again, until finally he flung the chair into the middle of the floor and huddled in the corner, panting. It had only put off the inevitable for a short time.

 

Being dead sucked. Each and every way he'd looked at it, it still sucked.

 

From what he remembered of being alive, that had pretty much sucked too, but being dead sucked much worse. At least when he was alive, he knew it would end and that there might be something better afterward. Now he was here, he felt he'd been conned and that made him feel foolish. Soul Society had been a struggle, trying to keep apart from the desperate savagery that dominated the place. Why no one had stepped in and tried to regulate it was not his problem, but occasionally he thought it might be a good idea. If he was in a position to make suggestions, he might.

 

Hina….

 

When he'd been offered the position at the Academy for Soul Reapers he'd been excited, thinking that at last there was an opportunity to do something that might be interesting and it would drag him out of his slough of despair, but he'd been wrong. The difference between being a Shinigami and an ordinary soul meant that he had to work, accept orders, serve under Captains who were often peculiar and had perverted ideas of what was amusing instead of being an ordinary soul only had to survive the other souls. A Shinigami had to protect himself against other souls, other Divisions, Hollows and worst of all, Captains.

 

Being a Shinigami sucked.

 

He'd never show how he felt or say it. For a long time he managed to appear enthusiastic, even when he'd been in 4th Division, which he still felt was a period of shame, but the effort became harder with each passing year. He tried, sometimes he really tried but the fact was that when he was in company, he was unfailingly polite, but downcast. It took much to make him smile, because there was nothing to enjoy. Occasionally, very occasionally when he was with Renji or, or Hinamori, he felt his spirits lift. Renji would act the fool and he'd find he was laughing without knowing he was doing so. It was one of the few times he felt he could relax and unwind because Renji knew how it was to be under close observation by a superior officer intent on moulding and changing their assistant captain into being the person they felt they needed rather than the person they had. While he admired his Captain, Renji often railed against his unbending attitude and his constant criticisms and insistence that the work be done by the prescribed means; in other words, no short-cuts. As for the put downs, the cutting words, the oft raised eyebrow and pursed mouth, Kira admired the way Renji ignored them. He wished he could ignore his Captain so effectively and so often.

 

What had he done?

 

Aside from his friends, there were other compensations in being a Shinigami, even though it sucked. The females. Two in particular. One appeared as a self confident experience woman who would smile and drink with friends readily. Prepared to laugh and take chances she obsessed him. Her frank and earthy nature was as enthralling as her strength and purpose.

 

The other was a girl, not really a woman who appeared unaware but completely devoted to her Captain. Knowing Hinamori as long as he had, he could appreciate her flaws, which were few, but also know her personal strengths and the underlying sweetness and kind nature. For a life time companion Hinamori was an obvious choice. The painfully lovable smile and self doubt made him feel protective of her, prepared to defend her against any monsters.

 

He was the monster.

 

It sucked.

 

After what he'd done he shouldn't even think of Hinamori other than with the respect due to another assistant captain. He brooded for a few minutes, considering the many and multiple sins he had committed as a friend and a Shinigami. Once more he questioned whether he'd done the correct thing; if this was the responsibility of an assistant captain, protecting his captain from a smaller and weaker female Shinigami. Was that what duty demanded of him? Was Captain Ichimaru actually under any threat from Hinamori? What would Renji do? What would Ran do? Thinking about Ran made his thoughts swerve into a completely different direction.

 

When Ran walked past and his eyes caught a glimpse of the gently moving globes, he would be transfixed by the pale soft flesh, so much so that his hands and mouth itched to possess them, but he did nothing. Before recent events she had been happy to spend time in his company, sharing a jug of sake, joking about other people. The more she relaxed in his company, the more he sought her out, hoping to advance the relationship to more than just the occasional touch of the hand. Now he knew she'd reject him. His Captain had played with her mind for an extended period and she seemed unable to look at another man. At the moment she had reason to hate him, thanks again to his superior officer. On the recent occasions they'd met she'd been polite, but distant. He knew why.

 

Because Captain Ichimaru had chosen him and Ran knew it. Everyone knew.

 

Kira was still unsure if this was part of some elaborate torture his Captain had designed to drive a wedge through their friendship, or because he was aware of Kira's feelings, or just for some new and strange amusement he derived from watching his assistant captain become even more withdrawn. He didn't know. Why would he know? The longer he served under Captain Ichimaru, the more difficult he found it to identify with what motivated the man. Often he would brush off any accusations of cruelty by replying that he was only teasing, but the teasing covered a hidden intent that could hurt the person. Even though he knew it was his duty, Kira had difficulty in liking, or even respecting his captain on occasions. Instead he transferred his allegiance to the position, not the man, but he still betrayed his friends for the man.

 

Hinamo…

 

The look on Ran's face when her captain reluctantly admitted that Gin Ichimaru had expressed no wish to change assistant captains haunted him. She had tried to hide the pain, but anyone who had studied her face and emotions, as he had, knew that it had hurt her badly and by default, she partially blamed him. Either that or she saw him as a painful reminder of the rejection. Since that night he had missed Ran in his life. Missed the easy gossipy conversations they'd shared and the way her perfume scented his clothes and then coloured his dreams. The way her hair would occasionally brush his shoulder. His natural dour attitude had assisted him in hiding his joy when he'd heard that the relationship between his captain and Ran was over. She'd get over him, it was only a matter of time he'd assumed, not knowing the twisted and cruel reality. Time didn't help. Now he didn't think it would matter how long she had to recover. He would now always be irretrievably linked with her lover's final refusal of her. She would see Kira as a living reminder that Gin had made his preference clear and he did not favour her.

 

The matter of preference confused Kira slightly. For a fleeting moment he considered whether his Captain was going to insist that he service him sexually. He found it hard to read the man. Sure, he'd been involved with a woman like Ran, but he found the signals the man sent were puzzling. He'd occasionally brush closely against Kira, stand without moving for several seconds and then giggle gently before moving away. On other occasions he would be very conscious of his personal space and maintain his distance warning Kira with a glance to stay his distance. On some nights, when they drank together, their hands would occasionally touch and Kira would flush hotly at the contact and draw back. Not that he wasn't slightly curious about whether his Captain intended the touch, or it was accidental, but he preferred women. The way female skin was soft and smooth under his hands was a delight he rarely indulged but always savoured. The shape of the hip and how the thighs would encompass him in a sweet embrace as he lay between a woman's legs, feeling the twin protrusions of nipples brushing against his chest. To bed a woman like Ran would be his ideal.

 

Or Hinamori.

 

Coughing gently he shifted in his corner, crossing his legs. There was no one there, but thinking about women, sex and specifically Ran and Hinamori, were having the inevitable result. If he were free he'd make a brief visit to one of the cheap but discreet `teahouses' which offered female companionship in Soul Society, if he ever was free. Almost instinctively he knew he would meet with no success with any of the Shinigami females, at least not on this day or the next.

 

Being male sucked.

 

He wasn't sure if he should blame Nanao or Hinamori. But how could he blame Momo? His friend for so long? Blame sucked and meant he would need to harbour resentment against a possible future lover, with good fortune to aid him. She was innocent and he was to blame for his actions. But knowing the pain he had caused his friend was too much to accept.

 

In this case he would prefer to blame his Captain who had set the whole disaster in train. It hadn't been Captain Hitsugaya's fault that he had disclosed what had happened. The boy seemed to have a fanatical inability to lie, or even gloss over something that might not be quite true. If he was honest he would have to blame Nanao who had brought it up after talking to Hinamori. Again he wondered why his friend hadn't mentioned the subject to him earlier. They were supposed to be friends, but she had been so busy and now, now it was even worse.

 

In the last few days after the coldness from Ran became more pronounced, Kira had spent more time pursuing Hinamori, spending time with her when her duties permitted. The amount of time she spent working made him feel slightly guilty. The girl devoted so much time to pleasing her captain, trying to predict every want and desire that she seemed to have little time to spare for friends and relaxation. Her conversation was slightly dull and often appeared to return to the topic of her captain. He remembered one time they were discussing tea and comparing the merits of rosehip tea as opposed to rose petal tea and he was suggesting that the flavour of rosehips was stronger and suited to the afternoon while rose petals were more subtle and better for the morning. Suddenly the 5th Division assistant captain had interrupted and stated that her captain liked tea flavoured with nasturtiums. Kira had to bite his tongue as he almost suggested that the man would really prefer narcissus tea but remembered all the kindness he had been shown by Captain Aizen. To say anything like that would be incorrect and make him seem ungrateful.

 

Gratitude sucked.

 

Why he couldn't shake the feeling of not trusting the man, he didn't know. He'd saved his life and was close friends with his own captain at least he thought they were. Lately there had seemed a distance forming between the two, a cooling in the friendship for a reason he hadn't been able to pinpoint. Captain Ichimaru had not been as eager to answer the requests for meeting with his previous superior officer, finding excuses to send a message in reply rather than responding in person. It was odd, but could have been because he'd been busy, or seemed to be busy.

 

Poor Hinamori.

 

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember any scandal that implicated Captain Aizen, who instead was always seen trying to heal rifts between Divisions or improve the skills of his subordinates, at least that was how it seemed. The man led a blameless and highly public life that was used as an example on which most people should model their existence. It still amazed him that Renji who had joined Captain Aizen's Division with such hope had left, despairing, assigned to the grunts in 11th Division. In anyone's book that was a demotion being placed there. He'd heard how the Captain had tried, had spent extra time with Renji, coaching him. It was an exceptional mark of honour, but all the same it didn't work. He'd met with Renji who'd expressed a hope that Captain Fon would select him for covert operations, but everyone aside from Renji knew that was a dream. Renji Abarai managing to control his reiatsu and temper long enough to track and assassinate anyone was a ridiculous idea. Covert was not something Renji could ever be.

 

Once or twice Kira had overheard the tail end of a conversation between Captain Aizen and Renji, which rapidly turned into a confrontation. There could be no doubt that Renji was the one losing his temper, while the Captain remained cool and polite, constantly trying to remind Renji of his duties as a Shinigami and member of 5th Division. Each repetition of reminders had incensed Renji even more and as soon as he was permitted to excuse himself, he'd find the nearest fight and get involved with fists and feet. Anyone could have told the Captain that he was managing Renji the wrong way, but no one dared. It would have been a slight on the kindly Captain who only had the best interests of his Division in mind. Kira had heard him say so, many times, and so had the other members of his Division.

 

He'd done the unthinkable.

 

Then, this morning, once Captain Aizen had been found dead and Hinamori had accused his Captain of engineering the murder, he knew that romance wasn't even nipped in the bud. It was almost as if it had been destroyed before the seed could be planted. They'd been friends and it seemed logical that friendship might develop into something more. Not now, though. Not after he'd been forced to draw his blade to protect his captain from his friend. She'd been crying, his little Momo, crying over the death of the man she'd admired and trusted beyond anyone or anything and he'd been forced to fight her. He would never forget her face, her eyes reddening slightly as the tears cascaded down her cheeks and her chest shuddered with the sobs she was trying to contain. He'd almost faltered and let her through his guard, allowed her to attack his Captain. Despair had gripped him then, as it did now as he saw her carefully constructed mental shield begin to crack. Her world had shifted on its axis because the sun around which it revolved no longer existed. And while he was her friend he couldn't help her, comfort her or even remain inactive. It had happened so recently and the bitterness of the action still stuck in his throat. Each moment was imprinted on his mind. Even with he eyes open he could see the events unfold, playing over and over in his mind. All the time he tried to find some reassurance that he had acted the way he had to act.

 

Being an assistant captain sucked.

 

Ran and Hinamori were lost to him. Until now he hadn't permitted himself to consider that he wanted companionship, permanent companionship with a female who could at least equal him in her position or fighting abilities. He would prefer a woman who didn't belong to his division because working and living with a person could lead to problems for both parties.

 

Not willing to think about Hinamori or recent events and eager for another topic on which to focus, mentally he reviewed the other possible females that he might form a liaison with. Some women were attracted by his anguish, or so he'd been assured and he'd tried to identify them, but hadn't had much luck. Nanao wasn't to his taste and after she'd fallen out with Ran and Momo, it seemed she was unpopular with many other of the female Shinigami and he didn't need more trouble. He still found it hard to believe that the little assistant captain from 11th Division had managed to manoeuvre her out of her position of President of the Women's Shinigami Association. Did that say more about Nanao or Yachiru? Was only more wily, or had the younger female managed to learn more than fighting skills from her superior officer, or was it because girls just wanted to have fun? He didn't imagine fun would be the focus of the Women's Shinigami Society under the presidency of Nanao.

 

He didn't deserve to live.

 

There was also a belief, whether true or not, that her Captain watched over her carefully and while he wasn't prepared to take possession, would not countenance any competition. Captain Kyoraku might appear lazy and uninterested, but he did enjoy his assistant captain's focus. Even going on some occasions out of his way to provoke her displeasure so she would notice him. No, Nanao was not a choice to his taste.

 

Yachiru was too young, but cute. Cute and with Zaraki as her Captain? He didn't want to become a castrato any time soon which would be a possible result. Zaraki wouldn't stand for any interference with his assistant captain and would take drastic measures. And she was far, far too young. The only reason he'd thought of her was because of the strange thoughts he'd had earlier. To think anything else would be sick and dangerous.

 

Kiyone grated on his nerves. Her enthusiasm made his ennui seem even more pronounced and each time they had talked she kept insisting he cheer up, without offering any suggestions of how he could do so. That sort of useless and unspecific cheer was to be discouraged. He was certain that if he asked her what there was to be cheerful about she'd come up with some trite observations about kittens, roses, mittens or kettles. Even worse she might talk about fluffy bunnies or generalise about how everything looked bad before it got better. He already knew that. He also knew that it could often look bad before it became even worse. Or appear that everything was improving and then deteriorate before you could say `Shinigami'.

 

Thinking about it sucked.

 

After he'd dissuaded Renji from trying to maintain his friendship with Rukia, and that had only been for his friends own good, for a time he'd considered whether she might be interested in an idyll, but her glance had passed over him one too many times and he'd decided to pass before he even made an attempt. A princess was too much work. And a princess in love with a married man was trouble. Renji was his friend and wouldn't appreciate it if he had competition from a long time friend. The advice he'd provided about Rukia would be misinterpreted and he needed all the close companions he could get.

 

Then his mind slewed back to two females who intrigued him. The Captain and Assistant Captain of 4th Division. Captain Unohana had a sweet serenity and a gentle face that attracted him. He hesitated about approaching her, because she was a captain, but her easy familiarity with any of her patients dispelled any concerns he might have of her superiority. He knew a number of male captains visited her, but that was to be expected. They were probably finding out about the status of any of their subordinates who were patients. He'd heard that since Rukia's return, Captain Kuchiki had visited 4th Division nearly every day, probably checking on the health of his sister, but not wishing for any one else to guess the depth of his concern. It seemed uncharacteristic, but maybe the man had a softer side that no one had ever seen or guessed existed. If so, he hid it extraordinarily well. Silently he thanked which ever deity had watched over him and prevented from that Captain becoming his immediate superior officer.

 

As for Isane, he'd heard a slight rumour that she might have become involved with Hisagi. He dismissed that rumour without even allowing it a moment to settle in his mind. Isane would never look at Hisagi, nor would he consider her. Hisagi was his friend and he was certain he'd mention any interest he had in females. Wouldn't he? It was a rumour generated by that night his friendship with Ran had taken a downturn. That night he cursed loudly every time he remembered the events. Taking joy from a friend's despair was low, just like he was low. He'd failed Ran.

 

Being chosen over Ran sucked.

 

He hadn't mentioned his feeling about Ran, because what point was there? Even before the most recent events, his chances with her had always been slim. Renji had mentioned her rejection of him in a drunken night and hinted that a few other males had expressed an interest in her, including a story about an idiot who'd tried to fondle the area that drew his eyes every time she walked past. Apparently she'd broken a few of his fingers and Iemura had been trying to hide his left hand for days after he heard the rumour. Was that a coincidence? Renji had, of course, denied everything the next day. Ran was dead to him now. Captain Ichimaru had killed any chance there.

 

He'd drawn his sword on Hinamori. He was the worst.

 

And here he was, in prison, awaiting judgment for raising his zanpaku-to to protect his Captain. He had done his duty and was being punished for it. That would be correct. Every action brought consequences, even actions that were valid and correct like he'd thought his own, until now. He had to stop Hinamori, but what hadn't his Captain spoken on his behalf? He'd accepted the quick judgement of Captain Hitsugaya and permitted his assistant captain to be punished for acting in an honourable manner. Or was it a careful reminder that the rules applied to everyone no matter the circumstances? Why hadn't his captain stepped in? Why had he permitted a junior captain to take charge and direct events? It seemed out of character for Captain Ichimaru to permit anyone to intervene on his behalf, didn't it? Hadn't Kira notice him overtly and covertly try to influence how situations would be handled if he had any possible influence. This time he had just smiled and done nothing.

 

Being in prison sucked.

 

He didn't seem Captain Ichimaru as a man who cared much about the rules. Otherwise, why hadn't he killed that ryoka or taken him into custody? It couldn't be that he didn't have the ability, or didn't know what he was meant to do. Was it part of a game, or had he conspired with the ryoka to kill Captain Aizen! Was Hinamori right? Even while he'd been trying to avoid these thoughts, his mind irrevocably returned to the events he was trying to block out.

 

I'm the most terrible person who ever lived. I suck.

 

He shook his head, a lock of hair falling over his eye as despair welled up in him once more. It shamed him that he had drawn his blade against his friend. Hinamori had been so close to him for so long and he had never imagined a time when they would be at odds with each other. Instinct; he'd followed instinct and now he knew it was wrong. His Captain didn't care and he should have offered Hinamori comfort, not his blade. She'd discovered the body of her adored captain and was understandably outraged and confused.

 

Hindsight sucked.

 

It also exposed something of which he had been unaware: that she didn't trust Captain Ichimaru. Immediately she saw the body of her captain she had focused on his captain as the murderer even though she was aware there were ryoka abroad in Soul Society. Why did she hate the 3rd Division Captain so deeply? At one time she had held him in high esteem, after they had been rescued by Captain Aizen in the human world. Perhaps not in as high esteem as the 5th Division Captain, but close. Well, she'd respected him, a lot. When had that changed?

 

The sweat on his forehead and the bad feeling in his gut returned. He was in a cell awaiting trial and possible execution for breaking the law and he'd implicated Hinamori as well. It was down to his actions that they were now in this position and it chilled his blood. At the same time it was making him sweat due to a mixture of fear and guilt. If he took full responsibility for the incident, would they release his friend? Any reasonable person could empathise with Hinamori and allow her reaction as a justifiable attempt to avenge her captain, but she had mistaken his killer. Instead of placing them in cells, they should be out there, joining in the hunt for the real outlaws: the ryoka.

 

Once more his eyes searched for a method of escape which again raised a conflict of thoughts. There was more than one way to break out of this place, but to do so would make him appear guilty and at the same time he didn't want to sit, immobile while the Seireitei was under threat.

 

Emotions sucked.

 

Damn it. He was going to break out and find the real culprit and then, with any luck, things would return to normal and he might be able to mend the rift between Hinamori and him.

 

Lost in his grief he hadn't heard the quiet footsteps approach, hadn't felt the increasing pressure of reiatsu as the source moved closer. Looking up, his eyes lost focus and he needed to blink to reassure himself that he was not hallucinating. Gin Ichimaru stood outside the cell smiling, chilling Kira once more with his presence. His Captain commanded him to remove the bandage that covered one arm, assuring him that he suffered no wound, no damage, it was an illusion meant to keep him weak. Without consideration of his actions he accepted that he must obey his Captain and follow him and his instructions, no matter the consequences. And he did. The bandage removed, he followed, the requisite number of steps behind, never beside because he was not worthy and he followed, walking over the rooftops, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the figure of Captain Ichimaru as he led him to the place he had to be.

 

Following led him to see Hinamori, eyes streaming with tears, accusing her long time friend and 10th Division Captain of the murder of her beloved Aizen. The dreamlike quality of the day increased. Kira struggled slightly to awaken, but nothing happened and through a fog of disbelief and inability to intervene he watched the fight.

 

His little Hinamori against a Captain again, facing him with such bravery and determination; his heart swelled and he felt a trace of moisture escape his eye as he tried to urge his limbs to move. This time he would protect her from the descending blade, no matter what the cost, but try as he might his body wouldn't obey. As she fell, injured, or dead, he wasn't sure, again he attempted to move, to rush to her side and then take her far away from this place, this new battle.

 

He felt shamed that Captain Hitsugaya was defending the honour of Hinamori when that should be his privilege. Witnessing the bankai of the 10th Division Captain was a thrill but being unable to move and get out of the way sucked. But why didn't his captain deny any of the charges? Why was Captain Ichimaru trying to hurt Hinamori? What was happening? Watching the events didn't explain the emotions and actions that motivated them.

 

And then, his final hopes were dashed. Ran appeared and protected Hinamori from his captain, without a second thought. She didn't even glance in his direction or show any hesitation, but used her blade and body to shield her friend from her former lover. There was no hint of fear, only determination in her gaze. She represented bravery and honour while he stood irresolute and frozen into inactivity and believed that Captain Ichimaru had chosen him because he preferred him.

 

Preferred him as a sucker.

 

In the haze that coloured and clouded his vision, he thought he saw the hesitation and regret as Captain Ichimaru faced Ran, but that was impossible.

 

Turning on his heel his captain withdrew and he blindly followed without prompting. The past always shaped the future. The 3rd Division pledge of despair was his. His choice had been made for him and there was no other path he could follow.

 

Being Kira Izuru sucked.

 

Author's Note:

 

I had to laugh when I was halfway through this chapter and read the Author's Note from the previous one and I hinted at Kira. Anti-depressants! Now, pass another couple of St. John's Wort and I'll be fine. (Kidding, maybe. Got any Serapax?).

 

Writing this chapter amazed me. I hadn't picked Kira as being a sensualist, but the more the character unfolded, it increased. We are all aware that Kira is one of the most disappointed Shinigami, even before the defection of his captain, which he took almost personally. And he also has adopted the `Despair' motto of his Division as a personal justification for wandering around looking anguished. In reading the manga I did become a little confused by the bandage that he was wearing in the cell which disappeared, but too bad.

 

All attention is now becoming focused on the major event that looms throughout this arc. That's right. It's when Iba admits he fell asleep on the toilet, isn't it? The choice of character for the next chapter? Iba? Aramaki (Mustachio)? Soi Fon? Ukitake? As much as I want to I won't do another Zaraki chapter.

 

In another 10 chapters I might even finish this story. No bets will be accepted for the truth of that statement. I'd only lose again. The Ichigo/Rukia encounters are something that will be explained later, much, much later. Just a quick reminder: I am Australian and will spell words differently to the American spelling.

 

Please review.

 

MS