Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ Friends' Love ( Chapter 12 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

Friend's Love

 

She could not find the solitude she sought. Her moments of introspection were broken by constant interruption and she was disgruntled. Snapping out an order to her lieutenant that she was not to be disturbed, for any reason whatsoever, unless he wanted to experience life minus those certain parts of his anatomy that proved his masculinity, she sat behind her desk and shut her eyes. The meeting had shaken her, her experience with Toshiro had shocked her and Kenpachi's actions had scared her.

 

Two men had made her feel weak and helpless within hours of each other. It was time to accept that she'd felt scared when she thought Toshiro was preparing to take her by force. At the time she had been shocked and unsure, but tried to keep strong in face of the threat. It had never crossed her mind that he would act in that manner. He had been so tractable most times they had been together. Of course, she would never admit the fear to him or anyone else because she did not ever wish to admit to that weakness. Fear was felt by cowards, but fear was part of life. On joining the 2nd Division she feared that she was not good enough, that her commander would despise her and instead she found love. Having seen the effects of losing those you loved, when the members of her family had died, she had feared love and never wished to experience it for another person.

 

Instead her descent into love had been instantaneous and complete. When she had been with Yoruichi she had constantly been scared that one day she would leave her, and she had. Always, she had known that their love could not last and her desperation to keep her lover had only driven her further away.

 

“Kisuke gives me space,” Yoruichi had said the day she originally rejected her love. “You stifle me, clinging too tight. If being with you means I lose my freedom, I would prefer to be free.”

 

“But I love you,” Soi interrupted reaching out, trying to hold Yoruichi, the tears in her eyes blurring the image of the loved face.

 

Ignoring Soi, Yoruichi continued. “We've had fun, the sex was grand and, for a time, I thought I loved you. It was flattering to be worshipped, but I want an equal relationship and we can never have that. It's not a choice between men and women. It's what I want and Kisuke doesn't mind if I stray. You don't cope, constantly hounding me about whether I like whoever it was better than you. I don't want to be answerable to anyone and I don't like to feel someone is trying to possess me.”

 

“I can change,” Soi protested desperately, prepared to promise anything but Yoruichi had touched Soi's cheek gently, shaking her head in denial of the protest.

 

“We can be distant friends. You'll get over it sometime. Don't think badly of me. If you love me you may understand and you'll fall in love again. I'd tell you to forget me, but I know you won't.”

 

Stunned, Soi had watched her leave, no words coming into her mind to try to persuade her to stay. Since then she had been sealed off in her world, existing only to work. Her futile attempts to find a replacement had not been sincere and now, now she was in a position she found intolerable. When Yoruichi had left, she had sworn never to love again, cutting the insides of her arms over and over again until the blood flowed down to her hands, making the handle of the blade slippery as she again sliced her flesh, to remind her that this pain was nothing to the pain of being discarded by the person she loved, while still loving her. The pain on her skin was no distraction from the pain in her heart. Her action had been stupid, and she now acknowledged she had been trying to summon enough courage to use the blade on the inside of her wrists, thus ending any pain and fear.

 

But against all reason, she commenced her pact with Toshiro. Part of her rationale was her anger at being abandoned so easily. She had lied to herself, knowing all the time that Yoruichi was lost to her, but hoped she would return. Toshiro was nothing to her, once.

 

Now, fury at Toshiro for his actions was constant. Originally she had believed he would not threaten her because he had been made a captain even more recently than she. The boy was young, innocent, sometimes seemingly out of his depth, but always strictly controlling his emotions, or so it had seemed. He should be no threat to her. He owed allegiance to no other captain; his main alliances were with women which made him appear to have a side that was masked by his cold and sarcastic persona. The 10th Division Captain was not some hulking brute who would loom over her making her feel small; a feeling she hated as much as she detested comments about her size. His hair, his eyes, his mouth attracted her as they were nothing like Yoruichi. If she could select anyone who was the opposite of her first love, Toshiro was very close to being that opposite. She had taken a calculated risk in entering into the pact. It was a pity her sums did not add up.

 

After the first week he had made her want him and they'd had sex. That had stunned her; she had not expected to want him so badly; but then after he returned from the human world, the first time they were together, he asked her the question about Momo. She knew he was young and inexperienced, but did he have to be so stupid also? After he'd talked to her Division, when they were arguing over sex, he had threatened to take her against her will. For that she could not forgive him. That momentary flash of understanding of the feeling of powerlessness had scared her and reminded her why the other males in the Seireitei had frightened her. She now looked at them all with a wary eye. While she knew she could fight and probably defeat any male, she recalled how she had been shocked into immobility by Toshiro and for that she could never absolve him.

 

Her life was inverted and she did not know what she sought after anymore. Her sleep was disturbed by dreams of Toshiro and strange visions that she did not understand. Not every night, but regularly, she dreamt of floating in the water of a warm swimming pool, which suddenly froze, trapping her within a layer of ice, immobilising her. Finally her struggles would shatter the ice only, freeing her to find she was surrounded by fire. The dreams must mean something, but she was scared of finding out. She still dreamt of swimming in warm water in an open sea, but now she feared sleep. Dreaming of Toshiro was even more upsetting, for different reasons.

 

She needed time, and distance, from the recent events. She shuddered again remembering the hatred she had seen in Kenpachi's eyes when he had grabbed her. The words he'd said hadn't registered until she had time to think and she was suddenly grateful that the couple had been permitted to marry. If they hadn't she had the suspicion that the man would have blamed her and sought retribution. Give the man his plaything. Let him be content with her.

 

The door opened, without anyone knocking or asking permission. She glared, expecting to see her lieutenant, but instead saw the pink coat of the Captain of the 8th Division, and the words died in her mouth. He was a friend of Rangiku's and might be coming to challenge her. Normally she would welcome the chance to fight, but today she felt unwilling, her recent experiences with Toshiro and Kenpachi too recent. “Stay right there, Captain,” she ordered hoping her voice did not quaver in fear. “Lieutenant, my strongest fighters, outside the room, now! I need to be prepared in case my unwelcome visitor becomes violent,” she called loudly, her voice strident.

 

Seconds later her trusted guard were outside the office. Captain Kyoraku smiled at her, obviously amused by her reaction to his presence and closed the door. “I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to talk to you,' his calm voice said, his unruffled face with twinkling eyes looked around the office. “May I sit?”

 

Soi nodded jerkily and watched the man settle opposite her, his movements relaxed and unhurried. It was her office, she should be relaxed, not the man. His presence made her feel very tense. “What do you want?” she demanded, her voice deliberately harsh.

 

“I'm here to help you, Captain. Aren't all Captain's meant to help each other?” His grin unnerved her even more and she did not trust his words.

 

“You've never visited me before. My lieutenant was told not to allow anyone to enter,” she accused. “What is so important?”

 

“Ah, your lieutenant. Yes; he wasn't really given a choice. If a Captain wishes to go somewhere, can a subordinate stop them?” He was gazing over her shoulder at a scroll painting Yoruichi had given her. A few lines depicting a river in flood, sweeping all before it. To Soi it seemed to represent her former lover; the woman who swept everyone before her in order to gain her will. “Nice picture. I'd say the hand of a master drew that. May I examine it more closely?”

 

“No!” She stopped and moderated her tone. “I would like to keep this brief as I have other matters which require my attention. Perhaps in the future,” was the sop she offered.

 

Captain Kyoraku quirked an eyebrow at her, “Busy? Aren't we all? I have come to speak with you concerning the meeting today, when you slighted my friend. In the past Ran has been a very good and loyal friend to me and I know her captain trusts her. There has been much gossip about her because of her, um, assets and the way she dresses, and because she drinks, and she is pretty lazy.”

 

“Exactly. You defend her because she is your friend, but I think her flaws are greater than you suggest. She is dishonest and untrustworthy. Her motives for marrying Captain Zaraki are questionable.” She heard the anger in her voice, but didn't care.

 

“Easy now. You don't need to get so worked up, Captain Fong.” He paused and cleared his throat. “Let me try to say this another way. Ran has her flaws, I can't deny that, but I have never doubted her integrity. She will keep a secret, has kept many secrets and is too damned faithful for her own good. When Ichimaru dumped her, lots of Shinigami vied to take his place, but she would smile at them and turn them down. Yes, she drank too much to try to forget, but only with the people she knew would not take advantage of her, or her weakness. I remember, after some time, she began to recover and I was relieved. Then, I think, but I'm not sure because I never asked, she was raped. It's the only thing I can think of that could cause her sudden slide into depression and her reaction to anyone trying to get close to her. I have my theories about who the rapist was, but I won't say. For a time I thought she was going to kill herself, by alcoholic poisoning or any other means she could.”

 

Soi felt her mouth gape open in astonishment.

 

“I am telling you about Ran's past in strictest confidence because you have misjudged her. It's not my story to share and I'm pretty sure from what she said, Captain Unohana knows. Ran could not behave in the manner you suggested. To be frank, I wanted to warn her against marrying Captain Zaraki because of his reputation, but you've seen what he's like when he's with her. God, he's almost calm. If she had been in the room when you insulted her, he would never have picked you up like that. They're good for each other and if he ever hurts her, I will fucking kill him. So would her Captain. Once you get to know her, you'll realise that Ran has depth. She can be ruthless, but we all can, in order to survive.”

 

Soi shook her head. “I do not wish to get to know her, or anyone else. Forming friendships is a waste of time and energy. If you have finished…?”

 

Her visitor smiled and rose slowly to his feet. “Friends are precious. You have to treasure them because you don't know how long you will have the pleasure of their companionship. Then when they go, you regret that the chance is past.” He seemed to realise what he said and gave a dismissive wave. “I was speaking generally, of course.”

 

Soi dipped her head in acknowledgement as she felt the fury build in her breast. “Of course,” was all she could permit herself to say.

 

“Thanks for listening, Captain Fong. If you ever want to talk, I'll listen,” was the surprising offer he made as he left.

 

Soi sat dumbfounded for a few minutes and then got up to close the door. His offer had deflected her anger, making her suddenly sad. The information he had given her made her mind spin. His comments on friendship had made her throat close as she remembered what she had lost. Yoruichi had been more than a lover; she had been her only friend in the Seireitei and since she had left Soi felt lonely. Allowing another person to get close to her, forming another friendship would only lead to pain, that was why she had spurned any overtures. For a short period she allowed her mind to question if she had made the right choice, but she broke that line of thought. The past had occurred and she could do nothing about her past choices. Then, for a short time she had allowed Toshiro to get close to her. Regret.

 

Her mind turned to the topic of the recent conversation: Lieutenant Rangiku Matsumoto. The person Captain Kyoraku portrayed was a vulnerable woman who had been hurt, not the brash, loose woman she knew. The lieutenant had been subject to the brutal attack of a man, while she had felt so terrified by the potential. Why did the woman want to marry Zaraki? Surely he…. But her visitor had been correct about Captain Zaraki's attitude around the woman. He treated the woman like she was infinitely precious and he was not prepared to accept any insults to her. Soi had seen the way the Lieutenant had looked at him. If she stripped away her prejudice she could see that the lieutenant loved the man.

 

It didn't matter to Soi. They were married. If only she could work out her problems then none of this would matter. There was also the possibility that every word the Captain had uttered was a lie. What possible reason did she have to trust him?

 

Lost in her reverie, she started as the door was again opened and the tall, lean figure of Captain Ukitake was outlined in the door frame. “Excuse me, Captain Fong. I apologise for not making an appointment, but I believe that we should have a talk.” The white haired man's brow creased into a slight frown as he tried to smile at her gently.

 

He entered the room as she nodded at him and closed the door neatly. He walked to her desk and stood there, quietly waiting for her to say something.

 

“Sit down.” The words came out of her mouth in a rush as she wanted the impasse to be over and with elegance the Captain seated himself and looked at her with curiosity.

 

“Captain Fong, I felt compelled to come here because of my long friendship with your previous Captain and my present friendship with Lieutenant Rangiku Matsumoto. I am aware how you dislike being incorrect, on any matter, but I fear that you misjudge the lieutenant. Ran is a warm and loving woman. A good and faithful friend, a kind person,” he paused and Soi waited, not wishing to respond. “She found Captain Hitsugaya and brought him into the Seireitei for his protection and to also shield the woman who was caring for him. Another Shinigami might have ignored the impassive boy who was slowly dying inside as the ice of his powers consumed him. Without her I am sure he would be dead, or mad, not the present valued member of the Gotei 13. In spite of his attitude she loved him, she still loves him as fondly as a sister. Her love has supported him and he is now a much more compassionate person than he would have been. As you know, the role of a Captain, and even that of Lieutenant, is difficult and lonely. I cherish the friendships I have formed with Captain Kyoraku, Ran, and Kaien Shiba to name a few. Kaien might be dead, but while he was alive I felt the Seireitei was a better place for his presence. We have to live in the present and now having lost friends, I cherish even more fondly the friends I currently enjoy.”

 

Not understanding what she was doing, Soi poured the Captain a glass of water and passed it to him. He hadn't coughed but she was aware of his illness. If he spoke without interruption he would go, and then she could ignore him and his words. She didn't want to think of what he was saying and how her heart twisted at the mention of Toshiro and his past and more importantly his present.

 

“Thank you Captain Fong,” Captain Ukitake said before sipping the water. “My throat was becoming quite dry.”

 

She simply nodded in response, waiting for him to continue.

 

“Ran is not perfect. However I do know the following: she loves her Captain and she loves her husband,” he held up a hand as if anticipating a question she did not want to ask. “No, she did not tell me, but I know her. She has waited so long to find someone who would love her in return and I believe she has found that. I know Captain Hitsugaya did not wish her to wed because he is jealous of her attention, though he will never admit it. For many years he has been her main focus and he has come to depend on her unswerving devotion and attention. He will not be happy about having to share her with anyone. Not that he has a choice in the matter and he will learn to adjust.” He smiled at her in a conspirital fashion and she found she was automatically smiling in response.

 

He was right. Now the woman was married to Captain Zaraki she would be less available to her Captain and her friends.

 

“I will not see Ran as often either, but as a friend I am pleased for her and I will enjoy any time she cares to spend with me. There can be true friendships between men and women without sex being involved. Once I would have approached Ran myself.”

 

Again Soi found herself shocked by an admission made in her office. She was right; he had had sex with the lieutenant!

 

“It was not to be. I've always pretended I was in love with someone else so no one would notice how I felt about her. For a short time I even pretended I was in love with Rukia. The girl is perfectly nice, but she is not my type. I was summoning my resolve to approach Ran after Ichimaru made it plain that their affair was over. The day I planned to tell her how I felt, was the day she changed. She had been sad, but her grief became an agony of spirit that I could not fathom. I know her Captain tried everything he could to help her, but it wasn't much. He is unused to handling strong emotion in others. She sealed herself off from all of us. We would talk to her but she wouldn't listen. I once came upon her mumbling about committing suicide. I visited her often just to listen to her talk, to provide any type of company, we all did. One day I found her in tears. For the first time in weeks she touched me. To be honest she grabbed me, holding onto me desperately as she cried. I let her and did not move, just uttered some soothing words. For one instant I hoped she was going to tell me she loved me, but it was not to be. I think I know what happened to cause her grief, but that is not my business. I will tell you this, Captain Fong. I will protect Ran even if it means my death, not just out of love, but out of friendship. I am pleased it is the present and that Ran has been able to find love and happiness. Hearing your accusations today offended me because I wished, in part, it was true: that Ran loved me. She does, but only as a friend, not the way I love her. I don't know why I am telling you this but, it's a relief to finally tell someone. I know I can rely on your discretion.”

 

The Captain tried to keep his voice even as he spoke, but the strength of his emotion flowed into his words and Soi felt a slight tingle of sorrow for the man. He too knew what it was like to love hopelessly as she had loved Yoruichi and now loved….Again she ripped her mind away from those thoughts.

 

“I have said what I came to say. Thank you for listening Captain Fong.”

 

“Thank you, Captain Ukitake. I appreciate your candour,” Soi said as she watched the Captain bow and leave, closing the door as he left.

 

“Why did he tell me that? I know something about him that I could use,” Soi thought and then shook her head. “I couldn't do that. I admire his honour and he has never done anything to harm me, or anyone. To betray his confidence would be as despicable as I have accused that woman of being. I had not thought her friends would defend her so soundly. I wonder if Toshiro will arrive and also tell me how wrong I am.”

 

She poured and drank a glass of water as she came to feel the dryness in her throat. Her eyes were slightly damp as she realised how closely she had identified with the man's situation. Yoruichi was lost to her forever, and so was Toshiro. She had not known the details that Captain Ukitake had given her and as she thought through what he had said she began to see some of her interchanges with Toshiro in a different light. He was honest, he was fair, and he cared deeply for people who helped him. He had stuck to his side of their bargain, even when she pressed him, so she would take care of his friend. She could not forgive him the moment he seemed about to force her, but then guiltily recalled the times she had initiated the sex rather forcefully. If he had treated her in that manner, how would she have reacted? Shaking her head she rejected the thought. He was a man, she was a woman; it was different.

 

The alarms began to sound and a Hell butterfly summoned her to the 1st Division office. The Arrancar were attacking.

 

Soi quickly complied with the demand and was there, advising, providing information collected by her division. There were many inconsistencies in the information that was being provided. Different Divisions seemed to have different ideas about how to handle the attack, but only the 10th and 11th Divisions had been deployed to fight against the invaders. Soi wondered why only two Divisions had been sent. Surely a larger force would have been a better idea.

 

As quickly as it had commenced, the attack finished and the Captains were dismissed. They were instructed to return when summoned to have a debriefing and to find out the number of deaths and casualties. Soi began to walk back to her Division, not knowing what else to do; glad she had not seen Toshiro. Her thoughts were more confused than before after her `conversations' with the two captains.

 

Abruptly her stomach lurched and then seemed to revolt against everything it contained, the water she had drunk before the alert seeming to cause the violent reaction. Looking around she noticed some empty quarters and opened the door. Rushing to the nearest sink she vomited, retching strongly, consumed by the need to rid her stomach of whatever was upsetting it. As she vomited again she felt a hand swiftly touch her forehead as if assessing if she had a temperature.

 

“Please, drink this Captain Fong. It might help to control the impulse,” a firm but sweet voice told her, pressing a bottle into her hands.

 

Soi raised the bottle to her lips and swallowed the contents, disgusted at her weakness. After rinsing her mouth, she washed her face, trying to remove any traces of her body's betrayal. Her knees were wobbly and she felt dizzy, but an arm around her waist held her up and guided her to a chair in the mostly empty and silent room.

 

“Sit down, Captain. I was going to visit you in your office, but this is more convenient. The nausea will pass shortly and then I think we may need to talk seriously about the future,” Captain Unohana said and once Soi had collapsed into the chair, sat opposite her.

 

Blinking at her third visitor, Soi rubbed her eyes, slightly. It was humiliating that someone had seen her when she was at her most vulnerable, especially this person, the other senior officer who had been in her position since the inception of the Gotei 13. Why did these people insist on talking to her?

 

“How long have you been experiencing the nausea?” Captain Unohana asked. “As your medical advisor I need to know so I can treat the cause, though I believe I already know the reason.”

 

Soi thought back and answered. “Only one or two days, or maybe more. I haven't been sick before this and I've ignored it.”

 

“Any other symptoms?” was the next question she asked as Captain Unohana observed her with bright eyed interest.

 

“Symptoms of what?” Soi did not want to know what the Captain was talking about. “I'm not sick. It's just something I ate. You want to tell me that I'm wrong about the Lieutenant.”

 

“Yes, I do. In the near future I think you may wish to approach her and allow her to befriend you. If matters develop, as I believe they will, her friendship will be essential and it is about time you broke out of those chains with which you've bound your emotions. You are afraid of feeling anything and the Lieutenant feels everything too much. Perhaps you could learn from each other. When it seemed Momo had been deserted by all her friends, the Lieutenant still continued to visit and help her. She protected her from Ichimaru's attack, even though that must have been hard for her. I only mention the past because it affects the future.”

 

Soi felt her face twist into a mask of distaste. “Momo! Am I never to be free of that idiot? I wish she'd died when Aizen stabbed her.”

 

“So does she,” the three words were quiet but the noise of their import was large.

 

Soi could not believe what she heard. “What?” Momo couldn't think like that. She was surface only, totally absorbed in her little pleasures and desires.

 

“Lieutenant Hinamori believes that she has no reason to exist because her captain left her behind and did not tell her his plans. She denies that Aizen stabbed her because if she accepts that truth, then the whole basis of her will to live has gone. I am uncertain if she will ever regain any stability in her mind and I pity her that her sense of identity is so fragile. There is something strange about her tale of her night with Aizen, but she refuses to change her story. I fear for her.”

 

“What about when she finds out she's pregnant with the traitor's child?” The words were uttered with scorn.

 

“How do you feel knowing you are pregnant with Captain Hitsugaya's child?” was the studied response.

 

Soi shut her eyes and refused to think. She had not heard the question. The question had not been asked and it was a lie anyway.

 

“I asked, Captain Fong, how do you feel about being pregnant with Captain Hitsugaya's child?” The repeated question was unwelcome.

 

“I'm not,” she squeaked in response, disgusted that her voice betrayed her.

 

“Then whose child is it? I know you have been having an affair with Captain Hitsugaya. You were in the linen room the night before he went to the human world. I could feel your reiatsu, and his, and I think that was the night you conceived, if my theory is correct. It was the night I conceived also. Strange isn't it that two intelligent woman lost their reason on the same night and accidentally fell pregnant to their lovers,” admitted Captain Unohana.

 

Soi swallowed hard. “You're pregnant with Lieutenant Shuuhei's child? That night?”

 

Captain Unohana smiled sadly. “Stupid, I know. I let lust overcome wisdom and did not take precautions. I want the child, at least I think I do, but it makes life a little more complicated.”

 

“Have you told the father?” Soi was curious.

 

Shaking her head Captain Unohana said, “Hisagi and I. It was a mutual agreement for pleasure, nothing more. We were both lonely. He came to talk to me the day after the traitors left. The man was confused and we talked for hours. He had never understood his Captain, or felt close to the man, and was rebuking himself for not noticing the indications. I don't know why he feels responsible for the actions of another. We talked and I tried to help him understand that his guilt was shared by all of the Shinigami. Then he smiled at me and rashly, I kissed him. It was an impulse, but he had been gazing at my mouth for the previous half hour. That was when it began and now I will end it.”

 

“End it?” Soi was confused.

 

“I am not here to talk about what I plan or my future. I am her to advise you about your options. If you have Lieutenant Matsumoto on your side it will help as you settle into your permanent relationship with her Captain,” was the reasoned assertion.

 

“Permanent relationship? No! He wants to ask Momo to marry him. I do not want him; I do not need him.” Soi felt her temper build. She could not be pregnant. It could not be allowed to continue. “Are you sure I'm pregnant?”

 

Captain Unohana looked at her steadily. “Come to my office tomorrow. While I am sure that my diagnosis is correct, I will do a few tests. From your words I gather that you may not wish to have this child. Think about it carefully. There are options available, but once a procedure has taken place you cannot change your mind. You may wish to talk to Captain Hitsugaya about this and consider his opinion.”

 

“I will not talk to him. It is not his business. The decision is mine alone.” Soi was adamant feeling the flutter of fright touch her chest.

 

“Very well, Captain Fong. I suggest you go somewhere quiet to think about this matter. I will schedule an appointment for you; ostensively a check-up, but I will confirm your condition for you. The details of the appointment will be given to your lieutenant.” Captain Unohana rose with poise from her seat and left.

 

Soi gazed after her. After a few minutes thought she stood, preparing to leave but received a summons to attend another Captain's meeting. One thing had changed since the meeting in the morning. She now felt sympathy for Kenpachi's wife and understood that she was not the person she had believed her to be.

 

Even so, she was tired. Would this day never end?

 

A.N.

 

Many of you were correct. Soi is pregnant, as is Retsu.

 

Pregnancy and Shinigami's? The very weak possibility is suggested by the fact that Isshin was/is a Shinigami and managed to have three children with a human woman. That would argue that pregnancy is a possibility.

 

Soundtrack

`Why does my heart feel so bad' Moby

“Don't rush me' Altered Ego

`Funny Break (One is Enough)' Orbital