Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ Friend's Need ( Chapter 17 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

Friend's Need

 

Waking was unpleasant. Nothingness was always preferable to reality, especially when day to day life became more complicated and irritating with each passing person. Sleep at least provided a respite from awareness and was one method to avoid facing the truth. What was so good about knowing the facts, or being up to date with the fictions that people liked to create about their lives? Fact and fiction intertwined continually as each person recreated their history and explained their motivations for actions that could not be sanctioned by any rational being. People did not make sense, their reasons were spurious and their justifications questionable.

 

The desire to remain in bed, to abrogate all responsibility and steal time and a quiet place from the ongoing demands was alluring. Close and fasten the doors, make the bedroom a fortress against the invading needs of others and forget that there was anything more than the need to fight and protect. Leading people, making decision, advising, being strong and intelligent was losing its appeal. No, it had lost its appeal. No matter which way the matter was approached, it no longer seemed worth the effort. Fighting battles that could not be won against enemies who were meant to be allies, was pointless. It was becoming harder to discern who was a friend and who was a foe. The main fear was that some were both. How was it possible to interact with a person who was working with you and against you at the same time? It was never meant to be this way, or was this a normal part of life that had escaped notice until now?

 

Burying her face in the pillow, feeling the cool cotton embrace her hot cheeks, experiencing the caress of the cloth against the shut eyes, darkening the light that permeated the room was the best choice foisted on any person in this position. Why accept what was unacceptable? How long was it possible to hide from duty? Would feigning death release the strictures? But being already dead, the next death was still an awfully big adventure and was it time to embrace the final solution? What about the child?

 

Turning over, opening unwilling eyes and gazing at the distant ceiling didn't help. Answers were not written there, the cracks in the paintwork did not magically form into words that spelled out the answer. Regular painting obscured the cracks; the white paint was unmarred by the writing from the hand of God and no answers were found. Her concentration was distracted by the continual compounding of guilt, fear and responsibility bubbling within her stomach and creating an acidic taste in the mouth.

 

What did any of it matter anyway? Today she had promised to talk to Toshiro; promised Kiyone because she felt sorry for her! That wasn't true; she felt no pity for the silly creature. It was her pity and fear for Lieutenant Matsumoto that motivated her.

 

Covering her face with her hands she wondered why she was lying to herself. It wasn't because she felt compassion for Kiyone or Ran or anyone. She had been cleverly manoeuvred into a position where she had little choice. Stubbornly she deliberately overlooked the main reason she had agreed.

 

Rising from her bed, she prepared for the day, ignoring the slight frisson of excitement she felt at seeing Toshiro again. As she washed and dressed it became more pronounced. The sickening sensation in her stomach grew more intense and she tried to ignore it. Admitting she was excited at the thought of seeing Toshiro was a weakness she could not condone. Even as she denied the feeling, it grew, every second that passed increased her discomfort.

 

“That's not excitement,” she realised as she quickly ran to the bath room. “It's that damned awful morning sickness.”

 

Later, after bathing her face with cold water, she slowly ate a rice ball while sipping occasionally from a cup of weak tea. Allowing her mind to drift, it followed the familiar path of wondering about Toshiro. It was difficult for her to spend time with him as she became confused about her reactions to him. Thinking about him from a distance allowed her some space and detachment and it seemed easy. When he wasn't there, it was possible to keep tight control over her unstable feelings and consider matters with an objectivity that made sense of matters. Well, as much sense as was possible to make from the mess she was in. When he was there she wanted to fight him, stab him, kiss him, fuck him, slap him and other things that seemed even more disquieting. In other words she lost all objectivity and was overpowered by instinctive reactions which were ruled by her emotions. Occasionally she had felt this way when involved with Yoruichi, especially as time had passed and she became more elusive.

 

Again she missed Retsu. The times they had met and talked had made the future seem less threatening. Listening to the 4th Division Captain helped her see things stripped back to the fundamentals and her calm and comforting presence was reassuring. Talking to Retsu had assisted in looking at her pregnancy objectively, and she had considered having her child, without worrying about the father. Looking down she noticed her hand was resting protectively on her stomach and seeing that made her sigh. At least with Retsu away she didn't have to make a decision about whether to continue the pregnancy. In one of the last conversations they'd had, Retsu had impressed on her the need to make a decision quickly. Wavering, as she was, indicated her lack of resolution.

 

“If I went to Yoruichi, would she take care of the child, once it was born? But how could I hide my increasing size until it was born. Toshiro would see. He'd notice and guess that it was his and then what would happen? Especially if he was married to Momo? Maybe I could retire to the Shihoin estates for a while, hide there until the thing is born. Or maybe I could ask to be posted to the human world until the baby is born,” her churning thoughts rattled through her head.

 

“I don't want anyone else to know.” The words rang through the room and Soi knew she had spoken aloud. Furiously biting her lip she considered the facts. Retsu knew she was pregnant and to whom, but she wouldn't tell anyone. Kiyone knew that she'd had sex with Toshiro. She fervently hoped no one else knew. It would make it difficult if any other people were aware of the failed relationship. She might lose the respect that she had fought so hard to gain if it became known that she'd bumped uglies with a man. After being abandoned by Yoruichi it had taken time to establish her authority within her division. The people left behind felt lost and confused by the sudden disappearance of their Captain and the allegations made about her. From having a stable leadership headed by a respected noble house, always committed to upholding the law, their leader had deserted them for no reason, or at least no reason that had been given to the Shinigami in 2nd Division. Soi had tried hard to hold the Division together, having to put aside her own grief and feeling of loss while ignoring her feelings of inadequacy. Often harsh measures had been necessary to remind her subordinates that she was their Captain, not just a woman who had been forsaken by her captain and her lover. The training provided by Yoruichi in being a leader had been invaluable, but having to use the techniques reminded her constantly of all that had gone from Soul Society. The loss of so many captains and strong lieutenants had harmed the Seireitei, leaving them weaker and less united. The most recent desertion had only increased the weakness that had never been healed.

 

The Old Man had failed them by not trying to repair the breaches, the myriad ill feeling left in the wake of both these losses. That was one of the reasons she had become so angered with the man. While they were trying to ask him to choose new captains to replace the traitors, she saw that appointing strong leaders would assist in restoring some sense of pride to those divisions most affected by the events. He had hardly hesitated the last time when they had lost so many. Why was he hesitating now? Was he losing it, or was there some hope that the traitors would return? She would not welcome their presence and nor would anyone else, she was certain of that. Who could trust them? Admittedly they were lacking a large pool of possible candidates to choose from, but why confine the selection to the people in the Seireitei. Why not approach the vizards, or even Yoruichi and Urahara? The whole situation was now in crisis and it was time to make the difficult decisions.

 

Thinking about the traitors reminded her of Ran. Until now she had not wanted to think about the ill-fated party and the expression on the lieutenant's face as she was taken. Anyone who had witnessed her fear and despair could believe that she had left willingly.

 

Compassion for Ran swept over her. She'd been publicly repudiated and had people whispering about her, making crude jokes within her hearing, but she had borne it well. Admittedly she had the support of her friends and captain and after that she'd had the worst experience that Soi could imagine. Now she was probably experiencing ruthless treatment and there was nothing Soi could do to help her. Feeling a slight tinge of guilt for her earlier condemnation of the woman she made a resolution:

 

“If she does return alive, I'll follow Retsu's advice and try to befriend her. Not because she's Toshiro's lieutenant, but of all the women in the Seireitei, aside from Retsu, she seemed to possess some sense, aside from her choice in partners.” Thinking about bedding Ichimaru upset her tender stomach. How could anyone want to kiss that perpetually smiling mouth and never see the eyes of their sexual partner? The man had always made her grit her teeth. During the Captain's meetings she had avoided looking at the man and was often grateful that she didn't need to stand next to him. Standing next to Retsu was comforting, not threatening and she looked forward to when things returned to normal and she could spend time with her friend.

 

“But it will never return to normal unless I make a decision. If I decide to keep this child, life can never return to the way it was. Why doesn't Retsu care? She had as much to lose as I if she has a child and Hisagi will know the child is his. How does she plan to overcome that obstacle? What are her feelings toward the lieutenant? Is she driven only by lust and convenience? Or does she actually harbour some feelings for the father of her child? Doesn't she worry about going into enemy territory while she's pregnant or is her sense of duty and friendship stronger than anything else?”

 

Thinking about it logically, Soi acknowledged that she would not allow her condition to change her life that much. While she was still able to, she would fight to defend what was important to her. Retsu had said that her child was important, and it was plain that she wanted the baby, but she did not let it prevent her from doing what she saw as important. Accompanying Zaraki on the mission to rescue his wife proved her commitment to her role as a healer and friend.

 

“I will make my choice today. Once I have dealt with the mess created by Kiyone and can judge my reaction to Toshiro, I will have a better understanding of whether I will keep this child. I'm sick of wavering and once I make my decision I will not change my mind.” Her heart lightened buy felt tight in her chest as she made the promise. There was no reason to delay any further and today, after seeing Toshiro she might understand her feelings a little more clearly.

 

The sound of knocking at her door encouraged her to rise to her feet. Answering the door she was not surprised to see Kiyone waiting, a look of wary expectation on her face. The woman looked better today without the continual snivelling and red eyes. Her eyes and face were still puffy from the days of crying, and the dark circles around her eyes signified that she had not slept well. Aside from that she was clean; her gloves were fresh and her hair not the tangled bush it had been last night.

 

“Can we go now, Captain, please?” The word please was extended until it was almost a sentence in itself. “I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep because I'm so worried.”

 

The flicker of excitement returned and this time Soi was sure that it wasn't morning sickness. She had an excuse to see Toshiro. Looking at the time she pressed her lips together. It was too early, they really should delay the visit, but that wasn't what she wanted.

 

“It's before the time most captains are in their offices. He'll be worrying about his lieutenant, that I am sure, so he may already be awake. I think we will visit him at his quarters. That will afford more privacy.” Soi sounded more confident than she felt.

 

If they visited together, it might be noticed, but there was less chance of anyone overhearing the conversation. She didn't wish to be associated with this particular set of circumstances, but due to Ukitake's being ineffective in this instance, she felt that she had to find some resolution. If she managed to persuade Toshiro to take no further action against Kiyone then there was the problem of talking to Kuchiki.

 

What was she thinking? That wasn't her responsibility. “Kiyone. If I am prepared to do this for you, there is something you must do for me,” she demanded, knowing that the girl would feel compelled to comply.

 

Large, worried eyes met hers. “What is it, Captain Fong?” The voice was hesitant and she saw the girls shoulder's tense as she made the enquiry.

 

“You have to tell your Captain.”

 

As expected, the girl looked terrified and began to stammer, stopped, swallowed hard and wrung her hands. “Tell my Captain?”

 

“You have to tell him why you've been crying; that you're pregnant,” Soi elucidated.

 

Kiyone seemed not to hear, her expression didn't change, but then her head started to move from side to side, slowly at first and then faster. “I can't tell him. He'll know and then Isane might find out and then everyone will know. They'll all know I'm pregnant and will think I'm an idiot.”

 

It was hard for Soi to prevent her natural response to the comment. She fastened her sharp front teeth in her tongue as it seemed compelled to tell the girl in front of her that her actions didn't indicate a noticeable intelligence at work.

 

Seemingly aware of the reaction, Kiyone stared at Soi, a sad frown on her face. “I did something stupid, I know that. I made a mistake, but it doesn't mean that I'm brainless.”

 

Soi could not prevent her eyebrow rising automatically at the third seat's assertion. Her hand moved in front of her mouth, but it wasn't enough to prevent the laugh that she was trying to suppress. Her experience with this woman did not indicate a great intelligence, quite the opposite, but to hear her assertion was ludicrous. All her actions had been driven by emotions or alcohol, not careful thought.

 

“You're not being fair, Captain,' was Kiyone's sulky reaction.

 

Perhaps she was right, she was not being particularly fair to the woman, but was that important? Why did she expect fairness when she had not been very fair to either Soi or Toshiro? “Do you deserve it?”

 

Kiyone dropped her eyes and appeared to be considering the question and then, reluctantly shook her head. “No. I have done some awful things and I'm sorry.”

 

Soi felt her heart lighten at the admission. The thought of helping someone who didn't accept responsibility had grated on her nerves.

 

“I will tell my Captain that I'm pregnant, but I won't tell him who the father is. He's such a nice person I'm sure he won't insist that I tell him,” Kiyone said after a few moments further thought.

 

Soi nodded. “Your Captain does need to know. As you are determined to have the child, your condition will become obvious. I am sure that if you tell your sister she will help you. While she may be your sister, she is also skilled in the healing arts and will probably be able to advise you.”

 

“Not Isane. She's always doing the right thing. I can't see her making the same mistake,” Kiyone burst out impatiently.

 

“Was it a mistake?” the admission surprised Soi. Until now Kiyone had indicated that the only thing she regretted was becoming pregnant.

 

“Not really. I didn't intend to get pregnant, but I did want to get close to Captain Kuchiki.”

 

Soi walked to the door and gestured for Kiyone to follow her. She didn't want to hear about that man again. Without speaking they walked in the direction of 10th Division, not bothering to keep to the streets, but taking the faster route over the rooftops. The morning was bright and clear, the wheeling birds in the sky attracted her notice and she watched them as they sped toward their destination. It felt good to be moving so freely after the inactivity that had been the last two days. She needed some exercise and would like to practice her fighting skills, but she did not wish to challenge the person she was with.

 

Arriving at Toshiro's quarters, Soi recalled very clearly the last time she had visited that place. A cloud formed on her face, remembering the anticipation, the pleasure and then the anger. None of that mattered. The arrangement was at an end and she was only here to assist this misguided female. Once this matter had been concluded she did not need to interact with the man again.

 

Indicating to Kiyone that she should knock on the door, they waited for Toshiro to answer. After waiting for some minutes without a response, Soi knocked on the door, much harder.

 

Shuffling footsteps could be heard approaching the door and it slid open. A lightly bearded face, with sunken eyes and an expression of pain appeared in the opening and the Captain groaned. “Come back later,” he croaked. “Why are you visiting me this early?”

 

“We're not here to see you, Captain Kyoraku,” Soi rapped out, displeased to see this man here. At least he was fully clothed, but very dishevelled and the wafts of alcohol that she could smell made her feel nauseous.

 

“Huh? But aren't I? Oh, that's right. I came to talk to Toshiro and stayed the night,” the Captain said and blinked at them blearily. It was then he noticed Kiyone. He started guiltily as his eyes slid back to Soi and he tried to grin weakly. The grin was not very convincing and his reaction indicated to Soi that he was somehow involved in the mess. He wouldn't have reacted like that if he was blameless.

 

“Are you going to stand in the doorway all morning, or may we enter?” Soi demanded, now even more determined to resolve this matter. If this man was involved he would bear the brunt of her anger and make restitution.

 

“Ur. Look, I'll just go and check with Toshiro. He was annoyed last night and worried about Ran,” the man equivocated.

 

“Yes, please do wake Captain Hitsugaya,” Soi said and pushed past the door blocker. “We need to speak to him before matters get further out of hand,' was her reply as she glared at the person she believed to be partially responsible for this mess.

 

“I'm awake, Captain Fong. I could not sleep through the row of your conversation,” Toshiro strode into the room, his coat flowing behind him. He did not look well, his eyes were puffy and his hair, while he'd obviously tried to make it appear as normal, was wilder than normal. He looked deeply tired and upset and for a brief time Soi wished she could just hold him close, soothing him, assuring him that his lieutenant would be safe.

 

When he saw Kiyone was in the room his expression underwent a number of changes. She could almost swear that he cringed when he first saw her and instinctively raised his hands as if to fend her off. Then he straightened and composed his features into a bland composed expression, though his brow remained furrowed. He glanced between Soi, Captain Kyoraku and Kiyone, nodded and then cast a questioning look at Soi.

 

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Kiyone's reaction to Toshiro. It was evident that she had noticed the cringe and her shoulders slumped as she hung her head in embarrassment

 

“We need to talk to you privately, Captain Hitsugaya,” was the next thing Soi said, staring pointedly at Captain Kyoraku. The man should take the hint and leave without delay.

 

“Stay, Shunsui. As you're partly responsible for this, I think you should find out the result,' Toshiro ordered abruptly before the man could leave.

 

It struck Soi that while he had not expected to see Kiyone, Toshiro appeared to have anticipated her visit.

 

“I'll make some tea,” Captain Kyoraku offered moving slowly toward the kitchen.

 

“No; you will sit down and say nothing. I will make tea and we will discuss this in a civilised manner,” Toshiro dismissed the offer without thought.

 

Caught up as she had been by her thoughts she had not even questioned why the Captain was in Toshiro's quarters so early in the morning. Her throat tightened at the obvious camaraderie between the two and her mind presented one possible suggestion as to why these two men had spent the night together. It would explain why they both appeared so tired and Toshiro's hair was in such disorder.

 

All the anticipation and happiness that she had denied, drained away and her heart hardened within her chest. She had again been fooled into thinking something else when all the time a man was taking her place in the bed of her lover. That was the reason Toshiro had rejected Kiyone, the reason he hadn't persisted with her yesterday after he kissed her.

 

As Toshiro made the tea she watched them both closely to find any indication that her idea was correct. Toshiro seemed to glance in her direction more often, but he was probably tyring to work out if she had guessed. The one or two glances he shot at Kiyone were more laden with fear than any other emotion.

 

Captain Kyoraku was shooting glances at both Toshiro and Kiyone, a guilty look on his face. He hardly spared a look at Soi which made her wonder if Toshiro had explained about their brief arrangement to his new love. It was difficult to see if the signs of involvement between these two men, but she could think of no other explanation. What other reason would they spend the night together? She would not have guessed that Toshiro preferred men, the way he had reacted to her body and the enjoyment he had seemed to find when fucking her, but what did she know? He might have just been using her to confirm that he preferred men to women. He fucked, he came; it was as simple as that. But she didn't know the man and if he had only been experimenting that would explain this sudden change. It would explain so much, except for his decision to marry Momo. Unless, and here she felt even worse, the marriage was to disguise his real interest.

 

After serving the tea, which the 8th Division Captain drank thirstily, Toshiro began the discussion.

 

“I can guess why you're here, Captain Fong. Captain Ukitake sent his third seat to you as she has been behaving out of character for the last few days. I do not know the reason for this behaviour, but apparently it became worse yesterday.”

 

Nodding in agreement, Soi waited for Toshiro to continue, not trusting herself to speak with her new knowledge burning like a fire within her breast.

 

“Third seat Koutestu approached you to ask for your assistance. She wishes for you to persuade me not to tell her Captain what occurred between us yesterday. Am I correct?” His voice was even as he spoke and then he stopped to sip the tea.

 

“Yes. I did ask Captain Fong to help me. She agreed,” Kiyone said as if she could sense that Soi would say nothing.

 

“I believe we all know what passed between the third seat and me; so we will not discuss that. I will however provide a partial explanation of why these events took place,” Toshiro continued, glancing at Captain Kyoraku.

 

“I am interested in your explanation,” Soi managed to say, controlling her desire to utter all the other things that were running through her mind. She ignored the need to yell at him, “You said you wanted me. That changed quickly, didn't it?”

 

“Third seat Koutestu was acting, foolishly though it might be argued that she was acting on the contents of a note that had been placed in her pocket. The information in the note was false and an attempt to get the 3rd seat to acknowledge that she should seek assistance for what was troubling her. I don't know why it was expected to work. It was a thoughtless action.”

 

“Who put the note in my pocket?” Kiyone sounded slightly hesitant as she asked the question.

 

There was a lengthy pause. Soi didn't know the answer and saw no point in guessing. Toshiro shut his mouth and kept his stony expression fixed to the floor while Kiyone searched all their faces for an answer. The silence grew more palpable as it lengthened and even Soi shifted a little, trying to ease the tension that was settling between her shoulder blades. It was obvious Toshiro knew who had written the note, and possibly the reason, but he was not making it easy.

 

Once it had been easy, he had been easy to understand and she thought she knew what he wanted but obviously she didn't know anything. Once again she had been duped by the person she had been involved with, believing one thing when all the time there was so much she didn't know about.

 

“I put the note in your pocket, Kiyone,” Captain Kyoraku admitted finally, breaking the silence.

 

Kiyone's mouth gaped open as she stared at the Captain, incredulity obvious on her face. “You…” she stuttered.

 

Captain Kyoraku nodded. “You upset Jushiro as you were crying for days. He didn't know what to do. Every time he asked, you cried even harder,” he said. “We decided to try to make you admit your problems to Toshiro because you find him the least threatening Captain.”

 

“But I didn't tell him. I tried to…” and she faltered once again.

 

“You tried to seduce him,” Soi said callously. Kiyone had not admitted it to her, not entirely, but it was obvious what had happened.

 

“Yes,” the tears were falling down Kiyone's cheeks as she admitted her shame.

 

“And I threatened to tell your Captain,” Toshiro said.

 

“I'm here to ask that you don't speak to her Captain about her misguided actions,” Soi said distantly. As her mind ran along the new lines she wondered if Toshiro was involved with both male Captains. Men had no morals and it wouldn't surprise her to find that he was involved with both men.

 

“I won't tell him on one condition. I want to talk to you privately, Captain Fong. There is something we need to discuss.” Toshiro was looking at Soi very closely.

 

She did not wish to spend any time with him, not now, but she had agreed to help Kiyone. “I will speak to you, now,” was her offer. Why delay the inevitable admission? As much as she didn't wish to hear what he had to say, she was no coward. She could face the truth.

 

“Well, I think that means they want us to leave, right Kiyone? Now why don't you go and speak to your sister. She's worried about you,” Captain Kyoraku smiled kindly at Kiyone.

 

“Are you sure? You won't tell my Captain?” There 3rd seat was reluctant to leave without this assurance and her pleading eyes begged Toshiro for reassurance.

 

“I won't. Now, please allow me to talk to Captain Fong,” Toshiro said, his eyes fixed on Soi, not wavering at all while he answered the question.

 

“I'll speak to Isane,” Kiyone agreed, unhappily as she left the room and Captain Kyoraku closed the door firmly behind them.

 

Now they were alone, Soi wished she could leave. It was impossible to look at Toshiro now that she guessed his true temperament.

 

“Soi, look at me,” Toshiro said. He had moved closer and was standing only inches from her,

 

“No, Captain Hitsugaya. I know what you are about to tell me and I do not care to hear it,” her voice sounded as cold as her heart was becoming. Why he had to tell her she didn't know unless he thought he was being fair in explaining everything.

 

“You know?”

 

Glancing at him she saw incredulous delight on his face.

 

“Yes, of course I know. It was obvious when that Captain answered the door this morning,” she spat at him. He was determined to make her admit what she had guessed and she began to hate him, fiercely.

 

“What? What's Shunsui got to do with it?” He sounded confused.

 

“You didn't wait very long. Yesterday you kissed me, rejected Kiyone and then accepted your new lover,” Soi said bitterly. If he was going to make her admit it, she was going to be honest and let him not torture her any further, for that was how this felt.

 

Toshiro recoiled from her. She could see that he had been reaching out, to what, embrace her one last time? Why would he want to do that? She didn't need his comfort. She didn't need him at all. Why was she indulging this man?

 

“I don't believe we have anything to discuss, now or ever, Captain Hitsugaya. Don't worry. I only came here today because I promised to help Kiyone. I won't disclose your `secret' affair with Captain Kyoraku to anyone,” and with these words she strode toward the door and left, ignoring the words he was uttering, his pleas for her to stay and listen.

 

She waited until she was back in her quarters and then surrendered to the weakness that she had denied until now. As sobs wrenched her body, her hands instinctively covered her stomach, cradling the child within. Instead of convincing her to rid her body of the baby, the events of this morning had swayed her to keep the child as a reminder of her foolishness and a symbol of the stupidity of love.

 

A.N.

 

`The Dream' Supreme Beings of Leisure

`Street Spirit (fade out)' Radiohead.

`Not Afraid of Romance' Machine Gun Fellatio

`To Have and Not to Hold' Madonna

 

Heheheh. That was fun. Misunderstandings always amuse.

 

Thanks to Jehunty Zero for the heads up on categories. I've added more. And thanks, as always, to Bastion.

 

 

Review. I like reviews.