Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ Love's Excuse ( Chapter 20 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

Love's Excuse

 

Maybe she had overreacted. There was a (very) slim possibility that she hadn't thought it through before she made the accusation, but he hadn't denied it. She'd given him the chance to deny it. Well, no she hadn't, but she'd seen….What had she seen? Or thought she'd seen?

 

After she had shed the tears that had come unsummoned and felt the grief rip through her, Soi resolutely did not think about the events of the morning. Deciding that she had cried enough she washed her face, carefully checking that her eyes were not swollen or red, that no sign of her weakness was visible. Unfortunately the tears had coloured her eyes and she bathed them until it faded. It took time but she believed it was vital that she appear as normal for her sense of honour. Not wishing to remain alone where it might be possible that she would again begin to think about Toshiro, she began to walk to her office, thinking that work might provide the necessary distraction from her thoughts.

 

A number of ideas rose in her mind, ones that would answer some of the questions that confronted her. Making a quick detour she visited three of her most trusted aides and provided instructions for them to follow. Facts were always much more useful than speculation.

 

Satisfied that her orders would be obeyed she continued to her office to be met by the frightening sight of her lieutenant smiling at her. Why he had decided to stretch his mouth into that alarming grin did not interest her and she merely nodded in response and quickly settled in her office. Immersed in her work she had snapped regularly at him as he again seemed to be experiencing an inability to remember anything she told him. Some days he was slow but today he was slow, dim witted, needy, greedy and forgetful. In an attempt to make it simple, and to make it possible that she didn't have to repeat her instructions for a third (or was it a fourth?) time, she wrote down a list of tasks, with plain guidelines, and handed them to him. She made sure that the words were clearly written with no hint of ambiguity and the orders were simple. Much of it was busy work, filling in requisition orders and tasks of that nature, but it might keep him occupied.

 

Then she dealt with a number of matters outstanding, some from days previous to the whole Ichimaru and abduction incident and the problems that resulted from his actions. Due to her high level of frustration with her second in command she almost sent her lieutenant to inform the families of the death of their relatives, but she didn't do that even under normal circumstances. She was not naturally cruel and to entrust him with that mission would be unpleasant for the relatives who would have enough to cope with in handling their grief. It was one of the more unpleasant tasks and had to be handled correctly for everyone's sake. Oomaeda could not even appear slightly contrite and if he tried to feign sympathy she was pretty certain that it would not be convincing. He lacked the delicacy and empathy that was required. If he hadn't been of noble birth he would never have been permitted to be ranked so high. At least the Kuchiki clan did not use nepotism the way some of the less influential noble clans did nor had Yoruichi's. Byakuya had not insisted his sister be given a seat. Thinking of the man reminded her of his possible impending fatherhood and winced.

 

“I hope I can remain distant from that particular disaster. Captain Ukitake will handle the situation with firm gentleness and will not insist on knowing the identity of the father of the child. Perhaps a marriage can be arranged for the girl,” she thought idly and then dragged her attention back to what she thought she should be doing.

 

A few minutes later she was thinking about her second in command once more. Every time her mind strayed to Toshiro or the events of the morning she dragged it back to more familiar patterns. One day soon she was going to check out his skills personally. If he did not meet the requirements for a lieutenant she would replace him, despite any protests from the rest of the Seireitei. The time for ineptitude was over and minor nobles should learn that they should not try to place their incompetent children in positions of power. She wanted to run her Division with a firm hand and a measure of proficiency in the highest ranked officers. Any hint of insubordination, like those so evident in 10th Division, would be dealt with efficiently.

 

Thinking about 10th Division meant she began to think about Toshiro, again. This was the third time she had allowed her mind to drift from the work and was unacceptable. To try to retain focus she set herself a task that was both unpleasant, but necessary. Choosing the most capable officer to inform the families was something that occupied her for an hour. It was not correct to use the same person to convey the bad news, the task needed to be shared. Finally making her decision she wrote the new instructions and walking to the door handed them to her lieutenant.

 

Now that had been decided she struggled with other matters that demanded her concentration and judgement. Reading one submission, she noticed that the 10th Division were mentioned as having attempted a new method of training which seemed interesting. The link was made in her mind again and for minutes she thought of Toshiro, not the man she had accused that morning, or the person she had tried to hurt, but the young eager lover who seemed to take so much pleasure with her. Dragging her mind back to the task she was trying to complete she made an angry face as her lieutenant interrupted again. When he spoke she didn't bother looking up or acknowledging his presence, but she felt her shoulders tense as he moved close.

 

“Excuse me Captain...” he began and his voice faded away as she let her breath out in an angry gust. At least he had the sense to recognise when she was angry, at least this once.

 

“What is it this time? I gave you clear instruction. Have you forgotten how to read or did you have trouble understanding the concept of thinking before you ask?” she snapped at him.

 

“No, I have brought you lunch. I took the liberty of sending for some food as you have been hungry recently and I thought as you were so busy you might need some sustenance.”

 

Until now she had ignored those appetising smells. This morning she had only eaten a rice ball with her tea but now she felt ravenous. “Put it there,” she told him pointing to the only clear patch on the table, “and go away.” She waited until the tray was placed and just before he left the room she added, rather ungraciously, “Thanks.”

 

His thoughtfulness surprised her. Quickly she drank the soup, ate the vegetables mixed with mushrooms and then sipped the tea as she ate the sweet bun. It was exactly the sort of meal she would have chosen, if she'd thought about it. She had asked him to procure this type of meal on many occasions when she was busy.

 

He'd remembered? After this space of time he'd remembered her preferences and acted independently? The shock poured through her as she considered the matter. If he could act this way, if he started showing some sense it would make her life easier. Yet, with the baby would she be able to reply on him to the extent she needed as she had to spend time away? She didn't have to decide immediately, but now she thought about it she would have to start planning.

 

Once she'd eaten she didn't feel like working. Trying to work had been more difficult than normal and she had allowed her mind to be distracted too easily. It wasn't just her mental discipline that was lacking; she had ceased training regularly. To keep her mind keen she had exercised every day, varying her regime, as she believed that doing the same physical exercises made her body become as lazy as a mind that processed the same thoughts in a continual loop. Her physical laziness had led to a mental laziness and her mind kept going over the same facts, the same questions without making any progress. This type of mental trap was one that she had encountered before, when Yoruichi left her, and recriminations vied with grief, anger and scenarios where her lover returned to her. But Toshiro had only been a passing fancy, hadn't he? She shouldn't find her mind constantly repeating all the disasters that had over taken their arrangement. Those thoughts she'd had about him, the kinder thoughts, had been brought on by the hormones that were released into her body because of the pregnancy. That was the only sound explanation, or at least the one that she could accept.

 

It seemed like too long since she'd had some exercise and worked her tight muscles. Since the mission had arrived back in the Seireitei she had been taken up with matters which should have been inconsequential, but for some reason, some stupid irrational mental malfunction, she had lost her focal point. Her attention should be centred on her Division and the problems presented by recent events but it had all become intensely personal. That was wrong. Her decision was made. She would work on her body and then work on her mind.

 

Leaving her office she gave brisk instructions to her lieutenant. Most of the important matters were addressed and the others could wait. They might be significant to someone else but that was their problem. She was going to find someone who knew one end of a katana from the other and who could actually make her break into a sweat. Not only that, she didn't want to fight someone in her Division because too often her subordinates seemed in awe of her. It wasn't that they fought badly, but their concentration seemed split. The other issue was her two preferred sparring partners in her Division were dead, killed by Ichimaru or his aides. Even though she hadn't mentioned it to anyone it was becoming clear to her that it was impossible for Ichimaru to have acted without any assistance. The information he'd provided Kenpachi and Rangiku was too pat, and far from comprehensive. He would have needed someone to speak on his behalf for him to be given any job in assisting in the Seireitei. The story was full of holes and the only amazing thing was that no one else had mentioned it or noticed it. Possibly the other distractions had hidden the flaws from other people or they were too occupied by their own personal issues.

 

Once again she had to force her attention from the circular thoughts. Today she wanted to fight a wild card, an experienced fighter who would force her to concentrate and not give her a chance to think of anything. The main problem was it was difficult to select anyone who would be able to provide what she needed without question, or a possible price that might be required. Many of the possibilities didn't even seem like a major challenge. She didn't want to have anything to do with 6th, 8th, 10th, 11th, 12th or 13th Divisions which made the choice extremely limited. Reviewing other possibilities, the choices seemed to narrow even further.

 

“I don't want to try fighting Izuru. He seems so distant since Ichimaru left, almost like a ghost. There are those rumours about him and Ichimaru, which he's never denied, and he spends so much time with that fool Momo. Maybe Ichimaru started the rumours. Is Kira secretly in love with her? That's possible and they have known each other a very long time. I still fail to see the idiot's attraction. The guy always seems to be brooding about something. Maybe he thinks it makes him more interesting. That leaves Shuhei.”

 

He wasn't the best choice, but he did seem to display some competence. Maybe he could provide a challenge as long as she didn't release her blade or try any of her special attacks. Annoyed at her inability to make a fast decision she went to 9th Division. It was a hive of activity. Finding Shuhei proved to be a bigger problem than she had originally thought. Each time someone directed her to where they thought he might be she arrived to find he had already left. Frustration began to set in as she went from place to place and kept missing him.

 

“Is he deliberately avoiding me? If so, why?” she wondered as she was redirected to another place. She tried sensing his spiritual pressure but couldn't locate it and eventually gave up.

 

Walking to a quiet place over looking the trees she tried to put her irritation aside. The walking would provide some exercise and when she was alone she could imagine an opponent. She only wanted to fight to get rid of her anger but the anger would renew itself. Fighting Shuhei wouldn't help, he wasn't the object of her anger and she had not thought if she had negative feelings about him. She couldn't find him, whether because he didn't want her to find him, or there were other factors at play. All the same, she felt she needed to exercise her body and work off some of the frustration and aside from sex, which wasn't going to happen, fighting was one of the sure methods of regaining her equilibrium.

 

As she couldn't find a real person to fight she could go through the exercises, but they bored her. Patterns and forms without response would not serve her now. Once she had over heard one of her subordinates talking about a similar situation. He'd stated that he'd wanted to fight a Captain, but none of them would meet his challenge, nor would any of the lieutenants. He had decided to imagine an opponent, one he had seen fight and then try to defend against the attack. At the time she had dismissed the idea as one that would only be entertained by an untalented buffoon, but now it might work for her. If she imagined she was fighting a person who had annoyed her, that might help but she would know it to be her imagination. Would the effort be worth it? But all she would lose was time and if she didn't do this she might return to her office and that was not something she wished to do.

 

To do this she would need privacy and she recalled a glade where she had trained alone with Yoruichi. Without further consideration she made her way there. Arriving, she silenced her mind, or tried to do so. Many thoughts struggled to distract her, but they were unimportant. Pushing them aside she wondered how this could work. The main problem she faced was which opponent would she imagine? Yamamoto; Momo; Ichimaru; Aizen or Kyoraku? Without further consideration Momo was dismissed immediately. That girl would provide no challenge, possibly not even to her lieutenant. Concentrating hard on what she wanted, a good fight her mind again went through the prospects. Someone who loved to fight, strong and a little unpredictable would be the best choice. As soon as she'd thought that an opponent seemed to appear in her mind, smiling at her with complete understanding. Now she knew who, she wondered how, but was not left to wonder for long. He raised his zanpakuto in salute and they fought.

 

She'd seen him fight, who had not? His moves were not structured and his ability to take advantage of any opening made him a good choice when trying to develop a defensive strategy. It was hard to strategise a method to fight against a person who rarely blocked. Any normal person, Shinigami, human or Hollow would always defend, it was a natural response, but this opponent debunked what was considered normal. Attack and then maybe draw back, or press his advantage.

 

Her plaits flying behind her, she tried to counter his speed and strength with her shun-po, but he watched her closely and adjusted for the subtle hints her body gave as she tried each attack. Every so often she had to remind herself that her opponent was in her imagination and she wasn't really facing a corporeal figure, just a shade, an image.

 

Even so, her mind freed of the constant treadmill of painful thoughts and tortured suppositions, seemed prepared to reward her by creating a near reality and as she continued, her challenger took on more of the real persons attributes. Sometimes she thought she heard a slight tinkle when he moved, felt the impact of his blade on hers and then the fight seemed to gain more reality and the blows began to register. What impressed her most was his strength. Each time she managed to avoid a strike, she felt the energy of the force as the wind from the action pushed past her. The few times their blades met she quickly had to make a sudden move to disengage them so that her arms would not be seen to shake or bend.

 

The imagined fight was hard but short, and sweating from her efforts in imagination and swordplay she dismissed the image of her opponent from her mind and the glade she had chosen in which to fight.

 

If Kenpachi Zaraki was this good at fighting in her imagination, she hoped the reality would be even better. When he returned he might provide a decent challenge and a proper workout for her mind and body. She needed a regular chance to perform to this level, not just settle for the easy way.

 

What would be sensible is if the Captains regularly fought each other to assess their abilities and find ways to help each other improve instead of guarding the secrets of their bankai and strategies. If only she could get that immovable old man to actually see the advantages of her suggestions instead of dismissing them so easily. His resistance to change made them all weaker.

 

Tiredness swept over her from the restless night, the emotion of the morning and the workout she had created. Bowing to the weakness of her body she returned to her quarters and slept.

 

A knocking at the door awoke her. Blearily she noticed that the sun had set. She had slept through the afternoon and couldn't remember any dreams that she'd had. Reluctantly she answered the door, hoping it wouldn't be another person who needed her advice or who had been sent to her as a result of another Captain's lack of courage. She found one of her aides kneeling at the door.

 

“Commander, the man you set me to follow seemed to spend all his time when not in his Division within the confines of 4th Division. He and the lieutenant of that Division seemed to be counting linen and were not to be disturbed. I do not understand the importance of counting linen,” the soldier's eyes were fixed firmly in front of him and he didn't see Soi flush.

 

That linen closet! She remembered the encounters with Toshiro in that place and knew that Retsu had spent time with her lover there. But that meant if Captain Kyoraku was there with Isane he wasn't with Toshiro. Did this mean that the Captain was screwing the 4th Division lieutenant?

 

“What else would they be doing in the linen closet unless they were counting linen?” she mocked herself. “Of course they're lovers. Toshiro and that man aren't lovers, unless…they want both types of partners but it doesn't seem likely. I think I made a mistake.” The words ran through her mind as she thanked her aide and sent him home to rest.

 

Sitting on a chair she sipped the tea she had made earlier as she ruminated over the new facts. If she wanted to be honest she knew why she had made that assumption. It was easier to try to dislike the man if she felt he was immoral and could not remain faithful. And she wanted to find a way to dislike the man. That might provide the key to overcoming those stupid thoughts and dangerous impulses that had begun to provoke her recently. A Toshiro who was faithless, thoughtless, cold and selfish would be less attractive than an honourable man. But how honourable was he? He was screwing her while he considered marrying Momo. The day they'd first fucked she knew he'd been thinking of Momo at the beginning, when he was kissing her. He'd even told her he loved Momo and the only reason he'd met with her was so she would protect his friend.

 

The whole situation was a mess. She hadn't acted with honour, but out of pride. His behaviour was aberrant, hers was inexplicable. Trying to justify her actions was quickly dismissed; she didn't want to accept that she had made many of the mistakes. Denying all the thoughts she hit on the one thing she could acknowledge openly. She missed the sex.

 

Another knock at the door brought her to her feet and she moved quickly to open the door, hoping to listen to the second, more important report. Her heart wavered as she noted her subordinate kneeling, ready to report.

 

“Speak,” she demanded, her voice smaller and higher than she'd expected.

 

“Commander, the target slept most of the day and then visited 13th Division and 4th Division. As he was returning to 10th Division he encountered Lieutenant Nemu Kurotsuchi who embraced him and escorted him into his quarters,”

 

The facts were relayed quickly and Soi felt a surge of anger. Easily overlooking the details that had been conveyed to her earlier she felt jealous of Nemu. Soi had never felt comfortable enough to embrace Toshiro in public, or even show him any sign of affection. Then she checked her thoughts. Why would she do that? It would have implied she wanted more than the arrangement allowed and neither of them had ever stated that they wanted more.

 

No, it had to be because Toshiro was out of control, first her, then Kiyone, Captain Kyoraku and now Nemu. Was he that insatiable or was he keen to try anyone? She only hoped that his child would display a little more control that the father. It seemed wrong that she felt so bad because of the actions of a man, her former lover. A man in whom she now had no interest. Of course she had no concern for him. He had broken their agreement and was planning to marry. But if he was planning on marrying Momo, why was he experimenting with so many sexual partners? Would he remain faithful to the girl once he was married or was he trying to work out his sexual preference?

 

Apparently not noticing the reaction her words aroused the aide continued, “He left his quarters a few minutes afterward, alone and is now in the non-tenanted quarters near…,” she continued.

 

“I know where he is,” Soi said abruptly cutting off her words her anger replaced by relief and strange joy. Toshiro had not stayed with Nemu. He had returned to the place they used to meet. Why? Why had he gone there and why had Nemu met with him? Maybe she was wrong. There was a way she could find out, one she would enjoy, but was it wise?

 

“You are dismissed for tonight,” Soi said making a sudden decision. “You may rest now and I will take up the observation.” That sounded like a solution, maybe not the best solution, or even a sensible one, but it didn't matter.

 

“As you wish, Commander,” her aide said and then vanished.

 

Dressing carefully, Soi considered her plan. This was foolish, but she'd done so many foolish things recently that she decided that one more didn't really matter.

 

Leaving her quarters she glanced around to make certain no one was watching and made her way swiftly to the place she knew that Toshiro was sleeping. Waiting outside the door she made certain she could only feel the reiatsu of one person before opening the door. Reassured she entered the room quietly and saw him lying on the bed, deeply asleep. The coverings were pulled up to his waist and his clothes were scattered carelessly on the floor. Her clothes shortly joined them and she drew back the sheet and looked at his naked body. This was the first time she had allowed herself to really look at him and she found she was admiring his chest, his thighs. It was so different to the body of a female, but still desirable. Her desire which had been lying just below the surface urged her to act and she easily permitted the urge to overtake her. His cock was limp, but she knew how to change that. Gently getting onto the bed she moved close to him and whispered in his ear, “You're asleep. This is all a dream. Just a dream.”

 

Toshiro hardly moved until her hand touched his penis. Then he shifted as if he was moving away until she began to stroke him, uncertain if this was the best way to excite him. The time she had touched him previously he had responded quickly and that seemed to be the case again. Almost as soon as her hand touched him his penis started to thicken as the blood filled it. He stirred under her touch and she became very still, scared she had woken him and he would challenge her assertion that it was only a dream.

 

“Soi,” he murmured sleepily, his eyes still shut. “Oh, Soi. That's good.”

 

He said her name. Not Nemu's, Kiyone's or Captain Kyoruka's name or even Momo's. He'd said her name. The delight she felt she quickly suppressed, assuring herself that he might have recognised her voice. But she didn't want him to think this was really happening.

 

“This is a dream,” she repeated, keeping her voice quiet and flat.

 

“A dream? I like this dream. I want you but you've been acting like a bitch,” he murmured his eyes still shut. His voice was soft and still fogged by the influence of sleep.

 

“It's not me. I'm not really here. You're dreaming this,” she said and then got astride him, sliding down his cock, sighing with relief as she felt him fill her and massage that ache that had been between her thighs since that morning. She wanted to move on him fast to reach the stage of pleasure but knew that it would be better if she moved slowly, like a dream lover. It was difficult to reign in her impulse to fuck him hard but that would make it obvious that this was really happening.

 

“This is a dream,” he said and thrust upwards. “As this is a dream you'll kiss me.” He sounded almost awake but his voice remained soft, and his eyes closed while his face was expressionless.

 

A kiss meant nothing. If she was trying to convince him it was a dream she'd have to kiss him and make it appear that she enjoyed it. Either that or she could leave now, but even when she began to try to act on that her body played traitor and bent her head close to his.

 

Giving into her craving she answered, “Yes,” placing her lips on his. His arms reached to embrace her and he kissed her fervently and she allowed her senses to be overtaken by the feeling and forgot her resolutions. She stopped moving on him and just let the kiss continue. Her anger and resentment drained away during the kiss and those earlier, disturbing emotions began to return. She darted her tongue into his mouth to find his tongue caressing hers in return.

 

Finally pulling his mouth from hers he said, “My dreams aren't normally this good.”

 

Soi began to move on him, feeling his answering thrusts as his hands cupped her buttocks, gripping them tightly. The firm hold was very pleasant and made her movements more controlled as he seemed to be adjusting her speed with his hands.

 

She suddenly realised that instead of the foreplay she had required previously her encounters with Toshiro had increasingly been about the joining of their bodies. And on many occasions it had been her idea, not his. It didn't matter, she assured herself as she bent to kiss him once more before murmuring once more the phrase, “This is a dream.”

 

His body straining against hers as he kept thrusting upwards, his eyes shut, he nodded. “A dream. A wet dream.”

 

She shut her eyes too, giving herself over to the pleasure that was streaming through her body. Her breathing quickened and the first tremors began to shudder through her body.

 

His voice interrupted her passion. Broken words demanded her attention as he pushed into her.

 

“A dream. Tell me you like me, Soi.”

 

Caught off guard, not really caring what she said if it meant she could allow her climax to overwhelm her, and this was meant to be a dream anyway she responded immediately, “I like you, Toshiro.”

 

“I like you too Soi. I wish I could tell you, but this is only a dream.”

 

His words had an unexpected effect and she found that her body responded by rewarding her with an orgasm that seemed to rush through her body for minutes. She heard Toshiro groan as she came, her body obviously causing his to react in a similar manner.

 

Once she managed to open her eyes she quickly pressed her lips to his, assuring herself that this was how a dream lover would act and then quickly rose and dressed, her back to the bed. She would not look at him because she might be tempted by him again. Once could be excused as a dream, but a second time would make it obvious that it was real.

 

“This was a dream,” she whispered in his ear before she left.

 

“Yes, Soi. It was a dream,” he said his eyes still shut with a small smile playing around the corners of him mouth. “I'm pleased I dreamt of you.”

 

Turning over sleepily he settled down his arms lazily stretched in front of him and he sighed gently as if he was drifting back into an interrupted sleep. An impulse to undress and join him fluttered at the edge of her mind but she quickly pulled her wits about her and left, surreptitiously returning to her quarters feeling, if not sated, a little less frustrated. Without bothering to wash she undressed and went to bed, curling on her side, one hand cupping her cheek, the other resting gently on her chest.

 

A.N.

 

I'm Australian which means I use the English spelling for words. An example you might notice is `realise' which is spelt, correctly, with `s' instead of `z'.

 

Finally a little smut between the protagonists. And how convincing was that dream explanation? Heheheheh.

 

Thanks to anhimals, ldymoon, JadeEye and Mors for the reviews. As you can see I gave them a break this chapter…….

 

And special thanks to Bastion for his regular encouragement and thoughts.

 

Soundscape

`Age of Loneliness' Enigma

“Solitude by the Window” from the soundtrack to `Noir' Yuki Kajiura

`Tooth and Nail' Kinobe

`Fore' Machine Gun Fellatio

`Never' Massive Lust

 

Review. I like reviews.