Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Perpetual ❯ Guilt ( Chapter 8 )

Guilt

 

She didn't know why she was crying. After Gin left, almost rejecting her with the haste he departed the room, she felt sad. Their conversation had reminded her of everything she had lost since she accepted the demand from Ulquiorra to follow him. While there had been good reasons to obey, if she had known what would happen would she have been so obedient? Was there a possibility that her friends would not have been killed? In her heart she believed that there had been no choice, but her head did not always follow her heart. Tatsuki had told her many times that she was too ready to believe anything she was told, even when she knew better. Many times her friend has pointed out Ichigo's flaws, but Orihime continued to love him and believe that he would one day return her feelings.

 

“Ichigo's never even looked at a girl! Except Rukia. And boys hate girls who fall in love with them. They're contrary like that. If you ignored him or even better pretended you liked someone else, he'd probably notice you,” she'd explained.

 

“But to pretend something like that is the same as lying and lying is wrong,” Orihime said as forcefully as she could.

 

“Look. When Rukia hits Ichigo he kept going back for more. When she insults him, he follows her around. The guy obviously has a masochistic side to him, which is another reason you two are wrong together. You're both masochists!” Tatsuki had grabbed Orihime's shoulders by this time as her hands were pressing heavily on them.

 

Orihime had to hide the shiver of revulsion she felt at Tatsuki's touch. She didn't enjoy being touched. It scared her how it seemed to rouse some deeper yearning, for what she wasn't sure, but it was wrong. First her skin burned then froze and it was better not to allow any contact with another human. She denied she had felt this when her skin came into contact with Ichigo's. Those very rare occasions when she allowed her arm to brush against his, her face press against his back when she `accidentally' tripped into him. Even those times when she sought his touch, her skin revolted at the contact.

 

Opening her eyes she put her memories aside. Thinking this way didn't help. There was nothing she could do to change the reality of her situation. She had lost contact with her friends, betrayed their loyalty, and betrayed her love for Ichigo many times over. After she'd lost her virginity in the rape by Aizen she knew she had no chance of a relationship with Ichigo, or any of the people she knew, except possibly Keigo. She was spoilt and despite the fact she could restore her physical virginity, she would never be able to remove the effect that the rapes and consensual sex had made to her mind. All her friends would despise her when they found out she'd agreed to have sex with three of the enemy and if Aizen had any control of the situation, they would all find out in the most humiliating way possible. The slight grasp she had of the character of the man indicated that placing people into intolerable situations amused and pleased him. For a moment she wondered why he hadn't returned and raped her again. That seemed odd, but it provided some comfort. She didn't know how she would react to the man when she saw him again. It was probable she would curl in a ball in a vain attempt to protect herself, even while she knew there could be no escape from that man.

 

Worse than that was her continual longing for sex when she wasn't sleeping. And why was she sleeping so much? Her exhaustion didn't seem normal.

 

In this place nothing seemed normal. It didn't seem natural to her that she had gone from fearing the touch of a man, to longing for a man, any man, to touch her, except Aizen. She had done some things that would have shocked her if she was thinking normally. She had allowed these men to do things to her that disgusted her when she'd heard about them in the human world. During some lunch breaks her friends had discussed sex at school and she had hidden her face. She didn't want her friends to see how shocked and sickened she was with some of the perversions they'd described. Late at night, she had considered doing some of those things with Ichigo and because she loved him so much it didn't seem so shocking, but to willingly do those things with strangers who weren't even human was inexcusable. And she had. She didn't deserve to return to the human world now she was corrupted and had easily embraced immortality.

 

Catching her breath, her body shuddered as one of the worst examples was eagerly presented to her by her subconscious. She had permitted Gin, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra to touch her and please her while they were all there. She was shameless! Maybe she had always been like this, but now without anything else to occupy her time the lust within her personality had asserted itself and made her prepared to take more than one lover. Orihime was gradually transforming into everything she reviled. Next she'd gladly accept more than one of them into her body at once, not under force from Aizen, but because she enjoyed having sex with them. She wanted to shake her head in denial that this could happen, but the doubt was too strong. Reflecting on what she had done so far there seemed no depths to which she wouldn't be prepared to sink. How ashamed her brother would be if he knew what she was like.

 

Standing, she went and looked in the small mirror that was placed above the sink and after a quick glance she turned away. There was no truth to be found in the reflection and no revelation. It was just an image of how she looked; no deeper truth than that. She, of all people, should know how the outward appearance could fool the senses and make you believe something that wasn't there. While she could see the tears on her face, she also saw the satisfaction in her eyes.

 

Picking up a glass she gulped some water and then looked at the glass. She could break the glass and then use the shards to cut her wrists over and over again. That would be one way to leave this place and not have to think about the monster she was morphing into. The air was possibly making her change into this licentious, amoral woman who was prepared to have sex with three different men without even the semblance of love.

 

Her mouth opened wide and she noticed with little curiosity that she was yawning. She slowly drank another glass of water, feeling increasingly tired but welcoming the dulling of her senses. If she slept she would not have to think and her dreams while she had been here had only been of sex. The only horrible images she'd experienced were when she remembered the rapes and those occurred when she was awake.

 

All the same she couldn't acknowledge that as the images flowed through her mind she was sometimes confused about which partner she was welcoming into the bed. Her mind randomly selected new partners for sex, including some of the male and female Shinigami she'd encountered. If she hadn't felt so tired she might be shocked by how her imagination was summoning these images. She yawned again.

 

“Put the glass down. Go to bed. Sleep,” a voice whispered, seemingly near her ear.

 

“Is that you, Lily?” she asked muzzily, tiredness creeping over her with a speed she hadn't expected. The voice sounded deeper than Lily's, but familiar.

 

There was a moment's hesitation and the voice whispered, even quieter than before, “Yes. Sleep now.”

 

Nodding, Orihime went to her bed, lay down and was asleep before she had even remembered to place the glass back on the sink.

 

 

Aizen permitted a smile to cross his face as the girl followed his whispered suggestion. “It's as I predicted. Gin will not be the hero. Did you see the moment when his lust was overcome by his need for self preservation? He will continue to toy with the girl, of course he will, but he won't work against me.”

 

Tosen shook his head in admiration. “I cannot believe it worked so quickly Sosuke. After her explanation, I was certain he would wish to confront you and perhaps warn you off.”

 

There was a silence and then Aizen said with little inflexion in his voice, “He tried that once before, and failed. Even after so many years he hasn't forgotten how retribution swiftly followed his actions.”

 

“What? Who?” Tosen seemed slightly bewildered.

 

“That was in another place and beside the wench is dead,” Aizen paraphrased, knowing that Tosen would not understand the reference. “Don't worry about Gin. He is not a threat. If he makes the wrong decision, I will simply remind him that he is in error.”

 

They watched as Orihime shuddered in her sleep, her limbs twitching as she began to cry, mewling little cries as she mumbled half heard words about guilt, evil, dirt and wicked behaviour.

 

“I wondered if that might happen,” Aizen said as he stood and stretched. Staring at the monitors, for hours on end, though absorbing made even his muscles cramp eventually. He rubbed his eyes, feeling grittiness behind the lids that bordered on the edge of pleasure and discomfort.

 

“The guilt? Why did it take so long?” Tosen posed the question and then turned to look at Aizen. “I thought she would have felt guilty after you raped her, full of self loathing with a need for justice. But then, she is female and they are unpredictable in their reactions, especially while still young.”

 

Aizen passed a hand over his mouth to hide the smile that always seemed to appear whenever Tosen mentioned justice. Obsessions and their effects were interesting to observe. “The food provided that little bit of energy to allow for a short period of introspection and she was awake for a few hours on this occasion,” was his explanation. “It was necessary to let her see how she was changing.”

 

Tosen again checked the perimeters to see if the expected force had arrived. The barren area still showed blank and boring. It gave Aizen a chance to consider how much more he would disclose. Why hold back too much? Who was Tosen going to tell? Gin? Grimmjow?

 

“Trying to reduce the girl back to acting on her basic urges is not as easy as I thought. I speculated that if she didn't eat it would help, which it did, but then she began to show the side effects of the drug. I had to feed her which means I may have to start again. Fortunately it also made her understand that she was no longer the straightforward innocent who simply loved one of her class mates. That part is essential for the next phase, removing one of the basic facts of her life, but is it enough?”

 

He frowned. The beginning of the self hatred was well formed and was a good basis for what should follow, but it wasn't fast enough. He wanted to break her and if the rescue mission came when he expected them to, she wouldn't be ready. As much as he felt it was a mistake, he would have to use the contingency scheme.

 

He turned to Tosen. “Get Grimmjow here. I think he needs some firm direction,” was his instruction and he paused before adding. “He still hasn't been punished for ignoring my orders regarding the girl. It is time for him to learn who resides on the throne of Las Noches.” The look that replaced the frown was chilling for all that it resembled a smile. There was no mirth or humour. Only an implacable malice skewed the ex-captain's face.

 

He didn't miss how the tip of Tosen's tongue moistened his lips at the sound of Grimmjow's name. Perhaps there was another experiment he might undertake once the first was completed.