Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets Of An Unworthy Heart ❯ Bitter Farewell ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Langus

SÅkyoku Hill stood out from the rest of Soul Society. Its peak jutted out from the hillside like a barren tomb, a hallmark of Death, to stand as a constant reminder to those below that they were never completely out of its reach. The wind-swept plains echoed with the voices of those souls it had destroyed in the name of justice. Life could not survive here; even the air itself was arid and suffocating. It was a place where hope came to die. No one went willingly to SÅkyoku Hill and yet there they were, dutifully gathered around that pillar of destruction.

Rangiku remembered what it was like to exist in a place like this. At the time it'd nearly killed her, but she'd survived because of a boy. A boy who'd been lost and alone, much like herself. Together they'd survived and eked out a meagre existence. Together they'd formed a family and together they'd ventured to Sereitei to make a better life for themselves. Together… They'd always been together, but today they stood apart.

For the second time in her life, Rangiku felt torn over her loyalty to Ichimaru Gin. When they were children she'd chosen him over a life lived within Seritei's pristine walls. She'd never regretted her decision. He'd saved her, protected her and given her a home. In him she'd found the part of herself that'd always been missing. She'd never let someone so close to her heart. For her entire youth he was all she knew. Their happy, humble existence in a cave in the barren wastelands outside of Rukongai had been idyllic and satisfying.

Now older and wiser, she realized how naÃ¯ve she'd been to think that that sort of life could've made her happy forever, but she couldn't bear to part with the memories. She missed the Gin she'd known then. His spirit had been so vibrant. It'd shone like a beacon of light in that place that was so devoid of it. Back then she wouldn't have hesitated. She would've done anything for him, no matter how ridiculous or foolish, because he was all she had and all she knew.

Not much had changed over the years. All they'd ever had was each other and despite the years that'd past, it still felt like it was just the two of them. He was the only one who knew her, the only one she trusted, and after today he would be gone.

Rangiku closed her eyes in resignation and blew out the stale air choking her lungs. Today she had to make a choice. For months he'd been a ghost, slipping in and out of her life as it pleased him, just as he'd always done, but now she finally understood why.

The secrets he'd shielded himself with were crumbling down and for the first time she saw the horrific truth of what he'd been hiding from her. She hadn't wanted to believe it at first. In her mind she'd vehemently defended him, made up excuses for why and how this could've happened, but the blood of the Inner Council staining the walls of the Central 46 Chamber washed away the veil of ignorance clouding her eyes and heart.

What has he become?

She begged the question in her mind while asking herself if he was even capable of doing such a thing. The more she thought about it the clearer the answer became. For a long while she tried to deny it, but faced with the evidence she simply couldn't any longer. She found herself admitting the horrifying truth that yes, he was capable of such a thing and what scared her most was that it didn't surprise her.

The Gin she'd known all her life, the boy she'd grown up with, laughed with and leaned on when she cried had long since disappeared. Despite her stubborn persistence to convince herself otherwise, she hadn't seen that Gin for quite some time. He'd gone somewhere she could not follow and left her far behind.

Rangiku stood still, her feet rooted to the parched earth, and tried to ignore the nagging guilt that swirled in her chest. The dust plumed around their bodies in great billowing clouds that burned her eyes and choked her lungs, but she held him fast, her blade at his throat.Â

How did it come to this?Â she begged silently.

What made him choose this path? And why…why had he chosen to walk it without her? She wanted answers but knew they would never come. Whatever happened after this moment, the Gin she knew was dead.

She wanted to weep but the dust dried her tears. He'd lied to her. For so many months and years he'd kept this hidden from her. He'd forced her to choose between her loyalty to him and to Soul Society. It wasn't out of anger or vindictiveness that she acted now, but a sense of duty. She had a duty to her squad and to those that'd trained her and befriended her over the years. As much as she loved him, she couldn't forgive him for what he'd done.

What she wanted to do was save him. She clung to the inane idea, the long-shot hope, that she could still do it if given the chance. Perhaps she could change him, save him as he'd once saved her. There were so many possibilities in her mind, ways to fix what seemed unfixable, but for once her heart didn't rule her actions. Her logical mind told her that he was beyond saving and her body listened. The sharp edge of her blade did not waver and her grip on his wrist never loosened. She'd chosen her side and was prepared to stop him at all costs, regardless of the fact that it would utterly destroy her inside.

This wasn't about her anymore. It wasn't about him either, or the relationship they'd once shared and the trust he'd broken. The only thing that mattered was saving the lives of the innocent ones, the men, women and children living within Soul Society who'd never done any wrong, the people who deserved a chance to make something of themselves, who had the right to be happy and feel loved. She couldn't let him take that away, not when she could stop him.

Having no other recourse and completely unwilling to fight her, Gin offered himself up willingly as her prisoner. He didn't struggle, merely accepted his fate as he saw it and waited patiently along with her for what would come next. She couldn't know that this moment would be the last they shared together. The next time they happened to cross paths, it would be as sworn enemies. She would be bound by duty to kill him and he was fairly sure Aizen expected the same performance from him. When that time came, as it most certainly would, he had no intention of acquiescing. He would rather die by her hand than continue suffering an existence as her enemy.

Knowing the grim future that awaited him, he lingered in her embrace, as rough as it was, and tried to take from it every last vestige of warmth and comfort possible. He would miss her. Where he was going she could not follow and the knowledge of that made his impending departure all the more foreboding. He was nothing without her.

Had he been given the choice, he would've gladly remained where he was, with her arms wrapped around him for all eternity but no one had ever asked him what he wanted. Aizen's pawns weren't allowed voices or opinions of their own and so he was trapped, branded as a traitor along with the rest and forced to make the one friend he had an enemy.

What bothered him most weren't the looks of scorn cast his way by the other Shinigami, but the strained tension he felt in her grip. What must she think of him now? Did she hate him for betraying her? Did she despise him like everyone else? He didn't want to think about the many ways her heart would harden against him.

Had he been stronger, had he killed Aizen sooner, if he'd never bowed to him at all, they wouldn't be in this position now. His weakness had cost them everything and he hated himself for it. Hated himself for knowing that he'd hurt her and remained utterly disgusted by the fact that he was still too weak to do anything about it.

Given their situation, he pitied the position she was in. He never could've done it, held the edge of his blade to her throat, but then her will had always been stronger than his. She would survive because of what he'd agreed to do, but their relationship would not. The damage was done and nothing he did or said could un-do the crimes he'd committed against her. It hardly seemed fair in his eyes, but then life hadn't exactly been fair where he was concerned.

When that final moment came, the one he'd been dreading as they waited amidst the tense atmosphere on the crest of the cliff, he begrudgingly faced his fate. The moment the NegaciÃ³n descended from the skies to envelop him, he felt her let go and a part of him went with her. As the warmth of her touch vanished the cold set in - a deep, penetrating chill that haunted him to his very core. He recognized it instantly as the emptiness that fills you when all hope is lost.

With the loss of her touch went every part of him worth redeeming. He could feel the warmth leaving him, evaporating from his body like a puddle of water on a hot day. It was as this part of him faded that he turned to face her, intent on telling her at least one truth before he left. There had been many times when he'd hidden it from her over these past years, for her own good or his own, but now would not be one of them.

"I wouldn't have minded being your prisoner a little while longer."

The confession was honest, the most honest thing he'd said to her in a long time. It came from his heart, the one part of his body Aizen could not manipulate.

She stared up at him, her mouth agape, but no words came from her lips. He wished she would speak so he could hear her voice one last time, but she remained mute and he figured it was just as well. What right did he have to ask anything of her now?

With his fate sealed and the inevitable weighing upon him, he spoke the only words he had left to say and though they were small they were the most important for her to hear.

"Gomen nasai."

It was a simple apology, yet encompassed within those two words was everything he didn't have time to say:

I'm sorry for lying to you

I'm sorry I betrayed you

I'm sorry I've hurt you

I'm sorry I can't stay

I'm sorry I won't be there to protect you

I'm sorry you can't come with me

I'm sorry life didn't turn out for us the way I'd planned

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to defeat him on my own

I'm sorry I've made you an enemy

I'm sorry for all the times I pushed you away when I should've let you in

I'm sorry for everything and anything I've ever done that made your smile waver, including today.

I'm sorry…

He'd left too many things unsaid. Rangiku understood his heart and true nature better than anyone. Only she would know the meaning behind his words and hear all the others whispered behind them. If not, then he would understand the hatred shining brightly in her eyes whenever they next met. It wasn't her fault. How could she possibly know that it'd all been for her?

As he felt the darkness creeping in and saw Soul Society slowly drift away below him, Gin's eyes remained fixed on her. He'd somehow navigated the minefield of Aizen's web and come out on the other side, ensuring she would remain safe and alive. He'd never resent her for it, being happy without him that is. She deserved at least that much. He didn't even want to think about what kind of man he would've become were it not for her hearty laughter and easy smiles.

A triumphant smile lifted the corners of his mouth. The last thing he saw of that bright world below was a pair of vibrant sapphire eyes staring up at him. He clung to that image, relishing in his one small victory. He may be a condemned man, but for the moment, at least, that memory would be enough to sustain him. Someday he would see those eyes again and when it came, he sincerely hoped it would be his last.

Far below, Rangiku gazed up at Gin's retreating form with unblinking eyes.Â

You foolish man.Â

Her body was numb. The world around her suddenly faded to black and in the darkness the only sound she heard was the faint rattling of the zanpakto at her side.Â

I'm trembling, she realized,Â I'm shaking all over like a scared little kid.Â

But it wasn't fear that had her fists clenched painfully tight at her sides. The bitterness swept through her like a poison, fuelled by the anger and hurt that clenched her heart in a vice.

I'm sorry…

His last words rang clearly in her mind and her next ones, whispered harshly into the wind, sounded as raw as she felt inside. They were words she'd never thought she'd utter when it came to him, but they were the only truth she knew and the only feeling left she could trust.

What once was would never be again and that painful admission, spoken so quietly from her lips, let her know that what they once had was forever broken.

"I hate you."

Author's Note:Â Finally a new post! I've been working on this chapter for a while, trying to get it just right. I wasn't even sure if I should write about this scene but in the end I figured it had to be done. I hope you enjoyed it. There's one chapter left to this saga so please stay tuned. Until next time…