Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets Of An Unworthy Heart ❯ Reconciliation ( Chapter 7 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Langus

Several Years Later…

The cold rain pelted hard against her fair skin. Its heavy, wet burden soaked into her robes and left her bouncy curls hanging in limp tendrils across her shoulders. Despite the way her thin frame shivered and her hands rubbed idly at the goose bumps covering her arms, the brash wind continued to whip at her body.

Her feet remained stubbornly rooted to the earth, refusing to make even the barest movement forward or back. Eyes that always glinted as if secretly laughing at some hidden joke were now wide and unusually sad as they gazed up at the source of her sombre mood.

When did I lose him?

It was the question she'd been asking herself all day. What day? At what time? And for what reason? She didn't have the answer to any of her questions. She'd never had cause to doubt the unique bond they shared, but now she wondered if she'd allowed herself to be played a fool.

He hadn't come. On the most important day of her life he was noticeably absent and she couldn't decide how to feel about it. Hurt? Angry? Relieved? Standing drenched in the rain while staring up at his darkened window, she found herself wondering if perhaps she'd been mistaken all along. Perhaps she'd seen what she wanted to see in him, took from their relationship what she needed to feel content and ignored the rest. So much time wasted…

When had she allowed herself to become so blind to the truth?

She'd always managed to brush off the crude comments aimed at him by the other shinigami. They whispered about him, some more openly than others, but everyone had their own skewed opinion of Captain Ichimaru Gin. She'd always managed to brush off their persistent inquiries and outright accusations with a casual, light-hearted laugh, but she couldn't do it any longer.

Rangiku shook her head slowly, refusing to believe the words of the others. They were wrong, they had to be. He was still her friend…wasn't he? Had he ever given her cause to doubt his intentions before now?

No…but he hasn't exactly been around either, she reminded herself bitterly.

She swallowed hard and briefly tore her gaze from the window, fixing it instead on the small pool of rainwater at her feet. The raindrops torpedoed into it like tiny missiles, upsetting the delicate calm. The rain felt cool against her skin and reminded her of that night so many decades ago…the night when he'd become a Captain. Thinking back, she realized that it was on that dark, rainy night, a night so much like this one, that he'd changed.

She hadn't wanted to admit it before. Admitting things had changed between them wasn't a reality she'd been ready to accept before now. Accepting it would've forced her to admit that she'd been naïve enough to think that they would last within Seireitei's white washed walls.

She hadn't been ready before but today's events forced her to this place. She couldn't deny it any longer - things had changed and she'd done nothing to stop it.

After that night when he'd successfully completed his epic battle in the ring, he'd become colder and more withdrawn than ever before. She couldn't understand why he was pushing her away. When she asked about it he'd smile and brush off her questions with a joke or a wave of his hand. Over time she'd seen him less and less. She'd put it off to busy schedules and Captain work at first, but it was hard not to notice that he was like a ghost in Sereitei these days. She hardly saw him at all and when she did he always gave her the same long look, like he wanted to say something but couldn't.

But it wasn't until today that she'd know for sure... Earlier in the afternoon she'd officially become an officer of the Tenth Division. What should've been the happiest day of her career was overshadowed by the knowledge that he hadn't come.

Exhausted, hurt and tired of fighting back angry tears, all she wanted to know now was why? This man, whoever he was, was not someone she recognized. Though Gin had always been a bit aloof, his impassioned attitude had never been directed towards her. There'd always been a certain warmth in his smile or a lilt in his voice when they spoke. She missed their casual familiarity and the way she used to discover his secrets with hardly any effort at all.

It felt like they were little more than strangers now, passing by one another like ghosts unseen in the night. She was unaccustomed to being brushed aside like an old childhood toy that'd been outgrown and discarded.

Reality stung far more harshly than the rain against her skin, which was why she remained where she stood. She'd been there perhaps a quarter of an hour trying to decide whether to confront him or not. Should she even bother? Would he be able to provide her with the answers she so desperately needed?

A part of her said yes. Even if her only reward was a little closure and peace of mind it seemed right to go to him. The other side of her conscience vehemently refused to notion. It reminded her of just how painful it would be to hear the words of rejection she'd conjured up in her head spew from his ever-smiling mouth.

When the rain suddenly ceased its incessant rhythm upon her damp head, Rangiku hazarded a glance up at the sky. With her arms still hugging her body to drive out the cold, she noticed the dark shadow of an umbrella extended above her head and her eyebrows lifted curiously. Glancing back over her shoulder she saw a comforting sight, the smiling face of Captain Ukitake.

"It's a bit wet out to be going for a walk Matsumoto. Don't you agree?" he questioned genially.

A warm smile lit his lips but the flash of understanding behind his dark eyes told her that he'd pieced together far more about her current predicament than she would've liked. She swallowed down her bitterness and pain and made her best effort to return his smile.

"I just needed some fresh air to clear my head. The offices get stuffy on nights like these," she lied easily.

For posterity's sake she kept up the small talk charade, wondering all the while what he really wanted to say. In the end he said nothing. He stood by her side in the rain with his arm extended to hold the umbrella over her head, and stared up at the sky in contemplative silence.

"You shouldn't be outside in this weather," she cautioned, her eyes glancing nervously up at Gin's darkened window.

Ukitake chuckled light-heartedly, his eyes following hers. "I could say the same to you Matsumoto! If this disease hasn't killed me yet I hardly think a little rain will do me in."

Sparing him a wary glance, Rangiku nodded and sucked in a slow, steady breath. The moist air tickled her lungs and made her feel just as damp inside as she was out. She had just about convinced herself to leave when Ukitake piped up once more.

"Matsumoto…," he began cautiously, "I don't pretend to know what's happened between you and Captain Gin, but I'd like to offer a word of advice if I may?"

He paused politely and waited for her to accept. When she nodded her head distractedly he let his gaze settle on the window belonging to the Captain of the Third Division, Ichimaru Gin.

"Shunsui and I have been friends for a long time, long before we met you and Gin at the market in Rukongai. I'd be lying to you if I said it's been easy to remain friends in this place, but it's not impossible. It takes work. It's a challenge, but one I think you can surpass if you so desire."

He let out a laboured cough, an effect of his ever-present wasting sickness, and shot her an apologetic grimace.

"I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't give up on him just yet. Everyone can use a friend here and while you have many to choose from he can't stand to lose even one. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Rangiku nodded her head slowly. Turning to Captain Ukitake she offered him a small smile and bowed her head in thanks. Squaring her shoulder she sucked in a quick breath to gather her nerve and abandoned the shelter of his umbrella for the Third Division quarters.

His room was dark. It reminded her of the impenetrable pitch black of the cave on the nights when the moon was hidden.

The silence hung thick on the air like a heavy blanket, muffling all life within the rice paper walls. Putting one foot over the threshold Rangiku paused and held her breath. Her heart hammered inside her chest and her palms felt clammy against the doorframe.

Why am I being like this? she wondered in frustration and irritably wiped the sweat from her palms onto the damp fabric of her robes. They felt heavy against her body, weighted down as if they were trying to drag her into Hell itself.

Letting out an uneasy sigh, she took one more step forward and let her eyes adjust to the dim light within the room. Her sapphire orbs panned from one dark corner to the next in search of the silver mop of hair that had the ability to stand out in any crowd, yet it was nowhere to be seen.

Again he was absent, just as he'd been before and she felt her heart drop. Letting go of her disappointment, she took the opportunity to explore the room of a man she no longer knew who disguised himself as her friend.

His bed was neatly made, the edges of the blanket tucked beneath the futon mattress. The single desk against the far wall was clear except for a pot of ink and a meticulously neat stack of papers in the top left hand corner. Everything seemed to have its proper place and home and as she stared around the immaculately clean room, so unlike her own, Rangiku began to wonder where she fit into his neat and orderly life. It was then that her eye caught sight of a glimmer on the windowsill.

Stepping over to it, she picked the trinket up in her hands and examined it in the dim light. It was a small crystal, no bigger than her thumb and dusty pink in colour. Its surface was contoured by various peaks and rippling waves that made its appearance wholly unique.

As she stared at it the wheels in her head turned and churned out memory after memory until at last she gasped with surprise and recognition. On its own it seemed inconsequential, simply a pretty rock for decoration, but for her it was so much more than that.

This rock, simple yet beautiful in design, was one of the trinkets he'd given her when they were children, long before they'd ever entered Seireitei's walls. He always collected little gifts for her and as she turned the stone over in her palm she remembered it vividly.

It'd always been her favourite because the stone's dusty pink hue was her favourite colour. He'd found it in the belly of a shallow cave, dug it out, and given it to her. On the day they'd left their home forever she'd looked for it for hours with eyes blinded by desperate tears. She'd never found the keepsake and was admittedly surprised to discover that the elusive gem had been in Gin's possession all along.

Turning the rock between her fingers she reflected on how it felt as though a lifetime had passed since those long, hot days they'd spent together in their youth. In truth, a lifetime had gone by. She couldn't accept that the person she was now was the same timid child who'd met a kind, if badly beaten, boy on the outskirts of Rukongai. It was so many years ago and yet here sat a piece from her past, rather their past, as vibrant and new as if it'd been only yesterday.

The rock's presence and wild shape seemed out of place in the neat and tidy room, but she gently set it back in place without a second though. The rock, no matter how inconsequential it appeared to be, answered her questions without a single word being uttered. As long as he held onto this piece of their past, she knew there was still a place for her in his heart.

For whatever reason Gin had pulled away, it wasn't because he didn't want anything to do with her. That was apparent to her now. So the only question left to ask was why? Why push her away if that wasn't what he wanted?

"Ran-chan! You shoulda told me you were comin' over!"

Rangiku jumped at the sound of his voice behind her and spun on her heel to face him. He stood grinning at her from the doorway, wearing the same fox smile he wore around the others.

For a moment Rangiku found herself at a loss for words and stared mutely at him as he stepped inside the room. Her body was frozen but her eyes followed him as he moved slowly from lamp to lamp. Soon the room was basked in the dull yellow glow of candle light. When he turned to her again, smile still in place, she looked away. She couldn't bear to see the smile he wore for the others grinning at her.

"You didn't come…," she whispered softly. It wasn't a question, more a statement of fact - one he couldn't deny. She stared hard out the window, refusing to look at him.

"Come where Ran-chan?"

"No!" She cut in sharply, turning on him. Despite her best efforts to be strong, her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. Narrowing her eyes at the way his brow rose with confusion she shook her head.

"No! Don't play these games with me Gin! You didn't come and I want to know why. I deserve at least that don't I?"

The fox smile slipped from Gin's face as he read the blatant anger and pain shining in her eyes. Did she really think so little of him? Unable to give her the answers she wanted, or the explanation she rightfully deserved, he regarded her in silence. In the long, drawn out pause that followed the sound of the rain on the roof could be heard, pounding in its steady rhythm - it hadn't let up even for a moment.

"Gomen nasai…." he muttered, his voice so soft it was nearly drowned out by the rain.

Rangiku's eyes narrowed and she folded her arms across her chest. It wasn't enough. She wanted an explanation, not an apology. She wanted to know what'd happened to the boy she used to know. Who was the man standing before her now that she hardly recognized at all?

There were snippets of the old Gin there, in the squint of his eyes and the tousled shag hair he tossed out of his eyes. There were bits of him there, but they barely made up a tangible part of the whole. There were so many secrets hanging between them now, so much more silence, and she needed it to be filled with answers.

"I want you to tell me what you've been up to. This isn't like last time. I can't just turn my head and ignore it anymore. What's happened to you Gin? Tell me!"

Realizing that she was getting dangerously close to forbidden territory, Gin laughed a hearty, mirthless laugh and gave her a broad false smile.

"Gin is Gin! That's all ya gotta know," he joked elusively. "Does Ran-chan still like pink?"

Rangiku nodded reluctantly but remained wary of the fact that he was obviously trying to divert her attention away from some hidden truth. The walls were still up and the secrets blocked him in on all sides like a prison designed to shut her out. She felt hopeless and utterly defeated. The knowledge that he didn't trust her stung more than the fact that he hadn't attended the officiating ceremony. It never occurred to her that he was protecting her from herself and the truth that would mean certain death if she unearthed it.

"Thought so," Gin interjected cheerily though the smile on his lips didn't quite reach his eyes. He slipped his hand inside his robe and withdrew a neatly folded pile of pink satin. With a nod he held it out to her and Rangiku eyed it warily.

"A gift…for becomin' an officer…"

Rangiku stared breathless at the smooth pile of satin sheen and gingerly reached her hand out to take it from him. Her fingers brushed against his for the briefest of moments, sending a shock of surprise up her arm. It was the first time they'd touched in months and her eyes peered curiously at his face in search of something. His features betrayed no surprise at the contact and a moment later his hand was pulled from her reach.

The heavy pool of pink satin in her hand was warm from where it'd been nestled close to his body. She unfolded it appreciatively and held it up to the lamplight. An unstoppable smile found its way to her lips as she brought the sash to rest across her shoulders.

It was pink, soft, beautiful and girlish - it was exactly something she would've wanted, a perfect gift. She may not know who Gin was anymore, but he understood her perfectly and that reassured her somewhat.

Anger forgotten, Rangiku squealed in delight and leapt at the dour faced Captain, wrapping him in a sopping wet, but enthusiastic, hug.

"Ah, so you like it?" Gin observed with a genuine smile as he pushed her away. He glanced down at his now damp robes and shrugged, his nose wrinkling as he realized that he now smelled like a wet dog.

Shrugging out of the white outer robe that marked his Captain status, he tossed it onto a nearby hook and made his way towards a small cupboard in the corner.

"Sake?" he asked politely over his shoulder, though he already knew what her answer would be. No one could hold their liquor quite like Rangiku. As expected she let out another delighted squeal and settled herself at the cheaply crafted table near the window, her fingers unconsciously stroking the smooth silk of her new scarf in appreciation.

The sky was turning grey with the morning's light by the time the pair finished their last bottle of sake. Rangiku let out a very un-ladylike belch and tossed the empty bottle to the side to join the others in the slowly accumulating pile.

"You sure you don't have any more?" She demanded suspiciously and pointed an accusing finger at him.

Despite having drunk nearly as much as his guest, Gin appeared remarkably composed. With only a slight swagger to his movements he tore his gaze from the window and fixed Rangiku with a curious stare. He chose not to answer her question and instead posed one of his own.

"Why Ten?"

"What?" Rangiku's eyes blinked wide and stared at him, bleary and unfocused.

"You coulda joined Three…," he suggested, letting his words die off.

He hadn't wanted to mention it but the sake loosened his tongue and he was too far gone now to take it back. He waited through the uncomfortable silence for her response, hoping that whatever she said would ease his curiosity or at least the gnawing anxious worry that nagged at the back of his mind. His gut told him what her answer would be but he sincerely hoped it was wrong.

"Psshh… Your squad was full of course!"

"What?" Gin couldn't hide the look of shock that washed over his features.

"Yeah!" Rangiku continued on, oblivious to his distress. "Captain Aizen told me Squad Three was all full up," she offered with a light hearted shrug. "But Ten had room so in I went!"

Gin's eyes narrowed and he turned his face away to hide the scowl that darkened his features. Aizen…the bastard…again he was interfering! He quickly gained control of his emotions and smiled at Rangiku when she shot him a watery grin.

"Oops… Musta forgot," he lied sheepishly and she giggled at him.

With a heavy sigh she glanced at the light grey sky outside and let out a frustrated groan.

"I should go…time to start work. Can't be late on my first day!"

With a swagger Rangiku pushed herself to her feet and gave Gin an exaggerated salute. He nodded at her and watched her stumble to the door.

"Bye bye Captain!" she called over her shoulder with a flippant wave and then her golden locks and vibrant pink scarf were swallowed by the darkened hallway.

Gin's took a long hard look at the empty doorway as if he half expected her to return. When she didn't he looked outside instead, his hands folded in front of him on the table. As dark thoughts clouded his sake muddled mind the sky outside began to lighten. The morning sun showed its face for the first time in days, sending a bright ray of yellow gold to burn off the mist hiding Seireitei from the world.

Like the clouds that slowly dissipated, Gin's dreams of what his life with Rangiku should've been faded. Gone were his dreams, his peace of mind and his hope for salvaging the future along with it. All that was left now was the bitter and unavoidable knowledge of what was to come and what he still had left to lose.

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Author's Note: Thank you everyone for your patience and your wonderful reviews. I apologize for taking so long to get this chapter out but it's a nice long one so hopefully it was worth the wait. Please take a moment to leave a review and let me know what you think. Until next time…